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HiI was wondering if anyone can offer any advice to me, i would appreciate it.

While on holiday in Turkey, much to my surprise i met someone whom i really like. After reading many posts of Turkish men being love rats etc, I'm concerned that maybe the man i met could be one of them, not only that i am a totally different culture to him..

I am black british! he is 2-3 years younger than me, we are both in our 30s, he has is own place and drives, while out there i ended up staying at his place for the duration of my holiday as the friends i went out there with proved they were not real friends, naturally i wanted to come home but decided i needed to make friends while i was there..

I love turkey and wanted to make the best of a not so good situation.

I made friends whom i hope will be friends for a long time, i also have a friendly personality so i did not find it that hard to settle in turkey.

My concern is while out there i did give him my mobile (it cost me nothing in England) he offered to pay me for it, which i refused. He did mention a gift (i gave him a scent that i brought with me), im not someone who considers themselves to be easily done over or stupid so when i gave him the phone i gave it to him in pieces eg the phone with no battery and no charger (i did this because i wanted him to know that if you are trying to be clever, i can be just as clever). We got along well apart from one occasion when i felt he was blowing hot and cold with me and i let rip. I informed him that i do not take crap off men in England and being in Turkey is no different. After that we had better understanding and respect for each other. I did not have to spend money on drinks etc while i stayed with him, the only time i spent money for the enjoyment of both of us was on my last night! however while i would go to the Bistro where he worked, i always paid my bill for my own drinks.

He would ask me if i loved him..i would never answer (my motto is say nothing), i did not let on too much how much i liked him, so most part he was not always sure how i felt. One evening at his home, we had drinks (he was a bit drunk) and he said he was falling in love with me, he also informed that the men that were interested in me in Turkey only talked with me because i was different (black) and that i was not taken seriously and he was the one that cared for me etc , (i made many friends and would like to think they were geniune) not sure if he was saying this to make me feel bad, if he was jelouse because i was popular and he knew i was well liked. He also said he would like us to be together in the future only time will tell.

He does have a typical charmers quality about him, which i like because i can be the same, so at times i know what he is about and he knows i am no fool either.

Cut a long story short, i am back in England now, i've been back 3 weeks, we have been in contact and spoken on the phone (he gives me miss call then i ring him) in the the first couple weeks i felt he was not communicating with me as much as i would of liked, he said he has been busy with work, i sent him a text leting him know if he wants the contact with me he must put the effort in, simple as that. Last week i decided not to sms as much and starting changing the tone of the sms, not kisses no i miss yous. He called me on Monday i choose to ignore the call, we spoke yesterday he he sounded concerned and wanted to know why my tone of texts has changed and why i have not expressed love for him (im stubborn), anyway we cleared the air, but i think i done something stupid..while out in Turkey he had problems with his car (i know this is not a lie because i went with him the the garage) anyway i offered to help with the cost as i would would any of my friends and because i stayed at his house. He always insists he wants nothing from me (i told him in turkey that i am not rich and have no money to give him, so if he was looking for sugar mama, he must look elsewhere)Anyway he has sent me his bank details today, i don't mind helping him because i offered to help, but after reading many posts, i don't want to be made a fool of. He is a nice but cheeky man, he makes me laugh alot and while in Turkey i understood him, im quite traditional at the best of times which i think is one of the reasons we connected, he did'nt take money off me out there, and in return for staying at his house, i did Iron a few of his shirts and kept his home tidy as i would at home.

He had talked about me staying in Turkey in the future. My question is am i silly to think he could possibly be serious about me and would my culture be a problem to him.

He called me today from the garage and said it would cost

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Well Nikola I think you are wise to be wary and if you continue with him just take it VERY slowly but for every genuine man there are 10 who are in it for what they can get out of it. They can make you feel good and can seem very sincere but.........................!

Where in Turkey does he come from, do you know? What do you know of his family, have you met any of them?

It would be unusual for a man, especially from the east, to still be single in his 30s. A lot leave their wives and children to come to the coast to work during the summer.[[in all honesty i did'nt even think Turkish men was attracted to black females, you don't seem to hear of mixed relationships between turkish men and black women (carribean background). ]]I do know of one mixed marriage between a woman of your background and a Turkish man but they received a lot of opposition from the man's family. I believe the man only visits his family on his own.

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I wouldn't give him the money if am being honest i think it sounds like he's just out for what he can get but i may be wrong. Just be careful they can be very charming. I have been to Turkey many times, i have lost count but cos i know their chat up lines & how they charm the women i laugh now when i hear it. I was in Turkey last week when i went to visit friends in the bar they worked with my sister, my friend whom who is a turkish male had been sleeping with a scottish girl (whos it was first time in turkey) so she proberly beieved everything he few her & all them sweet lines, ittle does did she know he's actually engaged to a russian girl who was due to come to Turkey 4 days later but the girl from scotland wasn't leaving for 10 days & god that girl got made a fool of cos she didn't wak back in that bar when all was revealed.

Where did you meet him? Which city is he from & have you met any of his family? Some men have wives back home & come to work in tourism during summer to provide & send money home.

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Thank you to kayl3igh and Sonny for replying.

Well he is originally from Izmir and he has been living in Altinkum for several years, he has a property there (where i stayed). He said his sister lives in Germany, his brother is in Izmir and mum is still alive. he wants to introduce me to his brother if i decide to go at Christmas.he swears he is not married as i have asked many times, he showed me some document which he said shows he is single (i cannot read turkish) so i took his word for it, not for a second have i fooled myself in thinking he is faithfull to me because i know what the men out there i like, he implied today that he is not doing anything, my response to him was..your not in prison so i cannot stop you from doing what you want.

I am trying to keep my emotions in check but is hard, the one thing i do not want to make a fool of myself and have anyone use me, i am so aware that some of these men have wives etc, if i pursure it only time will tell.

If things go wrong at least i have good experience and knowledge not to be fooled next time.

Thanks to both of you replying Nikolanxxx

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Guest Yildirim

he swears he is not married as i have asked many times, he showed me some document which he said shows he is single (i cannot read turkish)

If you're still not sure, ask to see his ID card. On the reverse side it will say 'Medeni hal' (Martial status) if he is single it should read 'bekar'.
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If you're still not sure, ask to see his ID card. On the reverse side it will say 'Medeni hal' (Martial status) if he is single it should read 'bekar'.

Do turkish men take black females seriously? i know the culture is different, but i would like to think they are open-minded to different types of people.

I don't mind honestythanks

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hidont understand what you mean about taking you seriously....as cool and aloof as you act a man can also,race aside.i will be blunt as im tired today and maybe just want to say it direct for oncerelations that start off with money issues normally end with money issues do you really want to start up on a relationship where someone who 'has a house' still needs to ask a yabanci for money.sounds a bad start to me. Love/ money troublesome mix. Turk/Brit/money/romance....even more troublesome mixhave you got the time/enegry/patience and heart for it?if it doesnt end in confusion or at worst tears i would be suprised.let us know how it goes.... :mellow:

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Welcome to our forum Nickolan, I would be very careful even though you were kind enough to offer to help him with car repairs it's not right. It's a shame he couldn't ask his family or friends for the money instead, after all you have only just met and the fact that he is taking you up on your offer means IMHO he is taking you for a soft touch. You come across as a nice caring person and I think you should just treat this as a holiday romance and move on because I can see you getting hurt.

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Hi nokolan,Welcome to the forum, you're in the right place, I think!!!!!

I would echo what Abi has said. A self respecting man who is genuinely interested in you would NOT be asking you for money at this stage of a real relationship.

My husband is Turkish, and he would tell you the same thing. Believe me, take money out of the equation, and see how things progress!

Go with your inner voice/gut/instinct on this. You'll be right.

Any doubts - back out. There would be no doubts if everything was and felt right....right? :mellow: Good luckSue

Welcome to our forum Nickolan, I would be very careful even though you were kind enough to offer to help him with car repairs it's not right. It's a shame he couldn't ask his family or friends for the money instead, after all you have only just met and the fact that he is taking you up on your offer means IMHO he is taking you for a soft touch. You come across as a nice caring person and I think you should just treat this as a holiday romance and move on because I can see you getting hurt.

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Guest Yildirim

Do turkish men take black females seriously? i know the culture is different, but i would like to think they are open-minded to different types of people.

I don't mind honestythanks

I'd say yes, Turks are generally very curious about different races, religions and nationalities. You will be without doubt bombarded with questions. There are even villages of black Turks in the province of Muğla, where Bodrum is, who came to Turkey when it was the Ottoman Empire. In your case however nationality rather than race might be the difference. I've never encountered racism in Turkey at all so if things go serious for you, I doubt you'll have anything to worry about in that regard.
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yes good point Yildirim, in fact our area has a black family with seemingly 3 generations who noone bats an eyelid at, well only to be nice as they are nice im told. In fact now we are on the subject the only time i have ever seen any Turks in awe or stare/comment etc is with chinese people or Japanese, i dont know many Turks who can tell the difference just from appearances or infact often who can tell the two appart at all even geographically. I too have never come accross an out and outright racist Turk. I think many average Turks are more confused/suprised/shocked by ones manners than nationality....

I have also seen an Albino here and kids are fascinated as are the locals but i have never felt they are rude with their fascination...just my experiences. One more thing....the only thing that may have caused more issues here that i can see is sexism.

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I have to agree with Abi and Sue. Treat this as a holiday romance and move on. Once money is mentioned, it should set the alarm bells ringing. I had a holiday romance with a Jamaican woman, who wanted me to go back to live with her in Jamaica. I don't think she was used to being treated like a lady and the attention I gave her overwhelmed her somewhat. What I am trying to say here is that some of these Turks can be real charmers and as you're just a youngster ( I'm in my 60s) you might not have come across someone quite like that.

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...

In fact now we are on the subject the only time i have ever seen any Turks in awe or stare/comment etc is with chinese people or Japanese...

A couple of years ago a busload of Japanese tourists arrived in Kaş, the place just about came to a standstill while all the locals gawped at them as they went round photographing everything. They were having a great time though and didn't seem to notice being stared at.
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi NikolanWelcome to the forum - I would have replied sooner, but have just got back from a couple of weeks in Turkey.

I'm now very happily married to a Turkish man, but I've heard a lot of very unhappy stories that started a lot like yours. I think Lucid really nailed it when she pointed out that money issues have started very early on in your relationship. Some men will groom a woman a very long time to get money out of them, so this guy is probably very surprised to have acquired a new mobile and money so early on.

I really do hate to sound negative, as I remember being in your position (with my Turkish ex, not my husband). I really did not want to believe that as an intelligent woman I could be easily taken in. And although i suspected that things were not right, I was enjoying the romance and the adventure, and to admit that my new boyfriend wasn't all that he should be would have meant having to end it, and I didn't want to at that point.

Having said that, my ex never actually got any money out of me. I gave him a mobile I was not longer using (after we'd been together 18 months), a football shirt, a few gifts worth just a few pounds, but despite his hints, I kept things very much on my terms. In hindsight though, he wasn't too embarrassed for me to pay meals or some drinks. I got the 'missed calls' too, for me to ring him - and as time went on, I realised that if I stayed in this relationship I would always be the main earner and he would be happy to allow that. It wasn't what I wanted.

I think that in Turkey (as in any country), there are men who would not dream of accepting a penny from a woman as it would be against their own self respect, there are men who will actively try to con women out of large amounts ofmoney, and there are some inbetween who will give it a try and don't think they're doing any harm.

Subsidising a relationship for a little while might feel ok if you're viewing it as an experience rather than a serious relationship, but longterm it doesn't make for a very equal relationship.

The fact that you have said to him that you're not rich won't mean anything to him. You've already undermined that by being in a position to be able to give him a mobile and giving him money. Plus, you've had disposable income on your holiday, so he will figure that you have money to spare. Just because you may not have thousands to spare doesn't mean that he won't try for less, now that he knows you have more than him.

It's not too late to try to pull things back and try to make it clear that you're not a soft touch - but as you've already given him money and a mobile, I think it will take a very long time for him to really accept it. And I don't think you should accept being the one who always phones him. If he has to put no effort into the relationship, he's just not likely to feel he has to make much effort.

Personally, I think the only way you'll know how much he actually cares for you is to make it clear that you don't think it's appropriate to give any more money and see how much effort he puts in, and whether he tries to ask for more.

You might also want to check out the link in my signature below - where there are lots of girls in relationships with Turkish men who can offer friendship and swap stories.

Best of luck with things.

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I don't understand why you accept the system of his ringing you when he wants to speak to you, cutting off and having you ring him back? I've lived in Turkey for 13 years and have made it a policy NEVER to do this! That alone is setting the wrong tone for the relationship . If he genuinely cares about you he will pay for the call. Would you accept the same system in the UK with a british man?

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lostinparadise - Most girls starting up a long distance relationship with a Turkish really would not question this (rightly or wrongly!). Before meeting my husband, I had a 2 year relationship with a guy who worked in a resort. It's common practice for the guys to give the girl a 'missed call' as a sign that he was thinking of her - something that you wouldn't expect from someone back home.

The first few times it happened to me, I thought he was trying to ring me and couldn't get through. Or I'd see a missed call and think that he'd let it ring out and I hadn't heard it. So I used to phone back without thinking of it as manipulative in any way. At that point, I hadn't even considered that we might not both be able to pay our way in the relationship.

I used to limit myself to one weekly phonecall to him, and he would also phone me briefly once a week, but explain that he did not have much credit. Over time, it became that my phonecall to him would be longer than his to me, which I didn't query as I was the one on a contract, and he was on pay-as-you-go. As time went on, it became more obvious that we didn't have the same ability to pay for things - and it would have been incredibly easy to step in and pay for things, and to be the one paying for the phonecalls. I could have justified it to myself by thinking that it was my choice - and that by paying for a 20 minute phonecall, I was spending my money to get 20 minutes of happiness for myself.

I probably spent a lot less than most women and girls in my situation. I would get him to stump up for the accommodation (at mates rates no doubt!), while I paid for my flights. But the reality for most foreign girls in a relationship with a resort worker is that the man either can't afford the phonecalls, or says he can't.

Some will hold back and have less contact, but if you're desparate to talk to someone and you have the means, most girls would pay. It's hard for most foreign women to guage exactly how poor (or not) the Turkish guy is.

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I'm confused here. That post supposedly by Lostinparadise is just the first post in this thread copied. LiP just scroll down a bit further until you come to FASTREPLY, it saves having a copy of other posts.

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Ah yes, thanks Sirin. It got lost in the quote.

I've edited it to make it clearer.

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sorry for pushing the wrong button when I replied. I had gone back to the original post and took it from there. I will remember not to do that again.

I probably look at things slightly differently because I myself dont have much money. But, even so, the WAY this is done seems off to me. For example, I have Turkish boyfriends and platonic friends who have said to me ....'any time you want, give me a call and close the phone, and I will ring you back .....my firm pays the bill/ or ...

I have a set rate monthly packet and pay the same however much I use the phone etc etc. But, in spite of the fact that I already knew these people were better off than me, I would not have dreamt of calling them and hanging up before they had invited me to. There are politer ways of showing you are thinking of someone ....sending a text message for example. The original poster said that the man in question had his own home and a car, so I assumed he was reasonably comfortably off.....buying and running a car here costs a lot more than the occasonal phone call.

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Hi, thanks for all your replys...

The situation at the moment is yes i did send the money for him to collect the next day(he collected the money 3 days later), he has not asked me to send any more and i have taken finance off the agenda (no money talk) and since i've got back, we do speak quite alot on the phone..and i am going to turkey next month to stay with him for a couple of weeks.

In fairness to him i did say that is was cheap for me to call him, so he should give me a miss call..

I had also dramatically cut down on texting him (i did not want to appear to keen) he noticed this and complained that he missed recieving texts from me, as a result we have had better communication because he makes the effort to contact me which has led me to book my ticket to stay with him.

Who knows where it could lead to but friendship is most important to me so i am going to take things very slowly,how i look at it is..if anything i have a good friend and adventure in my life (which i need) When i go out there i will be watching to see how things develope and find out his intentions towards me.when im there is there any questions you think i should be asking?please give any advicethanks Nik

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have you ever been married/ still married/ got any children?do you have any huge debts? is your house tapulu or tapusizwill i be meeting your family?if we get married where will you intend to settle?uk /turkeyif you become more than friends...when did you last have testsi could go on will you be wanting a visa to come to the UK to visit me one day soon?im only kidding!!! have a nice time i havent a clue what you should ask a friendasking a lover though..thats a totally different matterlet us know how your 'friendship 'goes and how the holiday isenjoy yourself hope it goes well for you :animatedwink[1]:

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