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Francine

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:) Hello Everyone,

I've been reading and would appreciate your opinions, because I suspect that I am being set up. Met on the internet, after two years we married in Turkiye (I went over there twice), we then worked on his visa application to come here.

Here are the facts in point form:

- we've been married for 4.5 years

- he had no proof of employment, was refused visitor visa to come see me here before we married so I went to visit him and our romance turned into an engagement considering we visited everyday for 2 years before I went there to marry him.

- he went into joint venture with a friend to open cafe while we were engaged, says he left it to his brother to take over for him in order to come here to be with me in our marriage.

- we married in Turkiye and his parents/friends did not attend. His parents will not have anything to do with me and I have never formally met them. After we married he took me to his town on one of the days of our travels, I stayed in a hotel room while he went home to his parents on that day.

- After marriage, I find out he has a son and he tells me that he only found out when the son was 1 and a half years old and never married the mother because it was only a one time thing. He says the son does not carry his name and he is not registered as his father. This was believable for me and I trusted this to be true.

- husband has now lived in my country for 3 years.

- he obtained employment working 16 hours a day, making around 2200.00 Euro dollars each month. Considering my income he didn't have to do that, he could have only worked a normal 8 hour day, but he insisted on working these long hours with only the weekends off.

- he would never share his financial statements with me.

- for 2 years I paid for everything; rent, food, utilities - all bills, so that he could establish credit for our future.

- I got sick, had to go on leave from work and trusted I could then depend on him to pay bills until I could return to work. He would only pay sporadically and with much resentment to do so, leaving me to use all my employment insurance while on sick leave to appease his dismay so that he would not have to pay everything.

- I became very upset, he would instigate frustration in me by pointing out anything and everything that would make him mad and then I too would get angry. He would be cold, coming home only to sleep and then go to work. On weekends he would be gone to meet with new friends he made from Turkiye or to play soccer. I know what mental abuse is and I believe we did it to each other for the past couple months before he left.

- Finally I told him to leave because he made me very sad with the way he treated me, all because I asked him to be responsible and accountable, and he was...like for 3 months only.

- I then became suspicious that he is sending much money home to Turkiye of which he would deny and that this is probably why he was being resentful to have to be responsible to our home. I want to believe him and regret thinking any other way. What is your opinion?

- He then threatened to move out and he did. I asked him not to leave and he refuses to tell me where he lives, like he is treating me as if I am a nut or something and I am not. He is now paying 'room and board' which is only a quarter of our rent in our home. I see him buying presents for family from the mall, to take back with him when he goes to Turkiye and visits his parents/family.

- There are times I must call him to help with the responsibility of our home and he will not answer my calls.

- He says he is going back to Turkiye for a couple months and then he will talk to me when he returns about whether he wants our marriage or not, and I will have to comply with his conditions.

In hindsight, and considering the present situation I find myself in because he has been gone for 3 weeks now:

-I suspect my husband is setting me up to look like I kicked him out of our home, he will not acknowledge that I asked him NOT to leave and insists that it is what I wanted. I've told him that I believe we can work through our unresolved issues, yet he insists on taking care of his own well-being without any concern that I continue to be on sick leave from work and on employment insurance only. He says once I go back to work and I am better then he will consider our marriage again. In the meantime I am having to move because I cannot afford this residence without his help and he doesn't show any concern in this.

-should I consider that he may have another family in Turkiye, considering he insists on returning each year for 5-8 weeks? Is there a way I can find this out and what would it cost me?

- Do you think he is trying to establish that I am the one that has caused him pain in suffering when in fact it was I who endured this from him, due to his instigating frustration in our living situation with him always gone and not accountable to me? Are there any suggestions you would make to me to ensure that I protect what would be in my best interests...foresight.

Considering all that I have shared, I suspect his intentions have not been honest from the start and I would appreciate your opinion on this, and any advice you could suggest for me. He is due to leave for Turkiye within the next few weeks and will return two months after. I understand that you are hearing one side, but I am sharing our problems to gain your advise with both of us in mind. I am always willing to take responsibility where I must and appreciate when that is pointed out to me constructively. By now I'm sure you can understand that I am confused and this is why I am sharing with you as those on the outside, looking in. Would you be suspicious if you were in my shoes? Thank you for listening and I look forward to your response/s. :lol:

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hi francinewelcome to the forum..i cant give constructive advice only a real personal response. does it matter what he is trying to do or make you look like in the long run? i would want a divorce asap and wouldnt want to wait for HIM to decide what he wants or not. im not a lawyer and i dont know the rules but i think you need to get him out your life officially and legally asap. If you dont have children this will (i guess in thoery) be easier to do. i wish you luck and i think the past maybe isnt so key here but the future is. why would you want it to have him in it?! i wouldnt. whatever his plans were or are they dont involve respecting or supporting you and if he is a liar too you may never know but if it feels wrong get as much legal advice as possible to get procedures going to divorce HIM! I hope someone will be along soon to help comment on matters more legal and also anyone else who has been though a possible similar senario or with some more constructive advice.anyway :lol: good luck.

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Hi Francine and welcome to our forum. To me from what you have said about your husbands behaviour is that he only married you for a visa, you are not the first and sadly won't be the last person who has or will be taken in. He has obviously no concerns about your well being by the fact that he has not and is not supporting you through your illness.

People, men or woman who want to get out of a realationship will often play games such as your husband was playing in that they will instigate arguements until you snap and order them out so that they can then say that it wasn't their fault they had to leave.

How do you prove that he is married, well it can be difficult as Turks can have a religious wedding that has no legal standing and therefore cannot be proved. It would be interesting to know where his home town is.

You asked how you can protect yourself. I see that you are in Canada and suggest that you seek the advice of a lawyer there as as soon as possible as I doubt that anyone here will have knowledge of Canadian legal matters.

I was surprised to read that you said to your husband "I've told him that I believe we can work through our unresolved issues" to be honest after reading your post I'm not sure how you can do that as he clearly shown by his actions todate that he has no interest in the marriage.

I have to agree with all of Lucid's comments, your husband has shown his true colours and you now have to make a future without him as painlessly as possible for yourself, as from what I can see is that he is only making you unhappy and the situation will never get any better.

Sorry if this comes across as being harsh as it's not meant to be, unfortunately the written word does not conveythe feeling in which it was written.

I wish you luck in sorting out this very unhappy situation as it's not a nice place to be but you need to sort it out quickly so that you can start living a normal life again.

Please keep in touch we will help you if we can. :lol:

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This looks like the typical scam to get a visa and/or nationality I'm sorry to say.

This website LINK run by our member Sirin will give you advice and you can see how other people have dealt with the problem.

I agree with the other two replies, get a lawyer on to it as soon as possible otherwise it will only get worse in the long run.

 

Çukurbağlı's blog. Warning - takes you off the forum and into the www.wilderness

 

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Hi Francine and welcome to our forum...... I'm really sorry for your situation, and know things must be very difficult for you especialy as you are not well, you have a lot to sort out and deal with.....

I have to totally agree with the others here, your Husband clearly married you for a visa and the opportunities that came with it..... working and being able to send a very very decent wage back home to his family to support them and the family business..... I have no doubt that he is married to this woman who had his son..... in most cases like Abi says they have a religious ceremony (no legal standing) and in some cases they marry a relative (mostly cousin) this is quite acceptable from all parties concerned.... the result of this kind of marriage means the wife usually doesnt take her Husbands surname and neither do the children.....and it leaves the man able to take future wives in the same way or a legal marriage as the first one isnt recognised as legal.... the first wife can quite easily be passed off as a relative (she is ) to unsuspecting foreign woman..... İt seems to make sense that you have never been introduced to the family because he is already married and you have (sorry) just been used as a means to an end... so no need to involve the family.... they probably wouldnt want to know anyway.... in some cases the family and the wife know all about the business transaction and they go along with it with great ease.... some men have been known to marry English woman and move to the Uk work all hours god sends.... keeping the Turkish wife back in Turkey until the I.

L. visa is obtained (usually after 2yrs) then the English wife is Divorced and the Turkish wife brought over..... I've known of some Turkish/Kurdish men who have had a family back in Turkey for more than 6yrs before bringing them over... He has never made any attempt from the sounds of your message to support you financially or otherwise..... I really dont understand why you thought it ok for your Hubby to earn so much money and not make any attempt to pay his way..... he wouldnt be able to live else where for free (as he has now discovered) Your Hubby clearly doesnt want the marriage to continue or he wouldnt have moved out.... hes constantly kept you in the dark about his money and where it goes and everything else about his family etc back in Turkey.... you say....you feel the need to try to work out your problems ...... but I think the best course of action would be to seek advice from a solicitor about a Divorce, you may find that although you married in Turkey your marriage would have been recognised in Canada so you would have to Divorce in both countries.......... this is the case for English woman married to Turkish men... Dont allow this man to give you anymore heartache than he has already.... he has no concern for your well being or that you may have to leave your home because of your finances.... what does it matter about trying to find out if he is married back in Turkey or try to find any other information out... the way he has treated you these past yrs is totally unacceptable and you need to break free from him...... let him say to everyone you asked him to leave, what does it matter.... you know the real truth, your conscience is clear....... Turkish men have a very good way of turning the truth around at every opportunity to suit themselves and to not make them look bad, they can be such good liars .... but you must not allow this man to continue treating you this way... go see a solicitor ASAP.....

Yes the replies here may seem harsh and straight to the point..... but our only intention is for you to see what is really happening here and break free from Man...

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G'day Francine,

Just tell him to have a long walk on a short pier, over shark infested waters.

"- I got sick, had to go on leave from work and trusted I could then depend on him to pay bills until I could return to work. He would only pay sporadically and with much resentment to do so, leaving me to use all my employment insurance while on sick leave to appease his dismay so that he would not have to pay everything."

After that you should not bother with him at all..

:drunk[1]:

Regards,

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Hello again,Thank you all for your replies, they were informative and provoked a stronger sense of knowing in terms of what I already knew yet didn't want to accept in my heart, I have now found a greater sense of acceptance and my heart thanks you for your time to help me sort this out. When in it one second guesses with all the emotions running rampant here and there. At the end of the day so to speak, one is left tired without energy to even care. I won't be nor am I a passive victim and do take responsibility for overlooking dynamics I really could have questioned/examined more thoroughly, I'm a much stronger woman than when I was in the state of confusion with it all, and I will certainly assert what is right by getting out of this sham of a marriage asap. My heart is in check now, no longer in conflict with what my mind has been telling me. Now it's time to plan, if you have any input as to the steps others have taken for separation and divorce I would surely appreciate it. I'm a 'process' kind of person so a step by step approach works for me, helps me to visualize the outcome better, thanks.

With gratitude for your guidance,Francine

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Francine you will get most information we can give by reading the other topics in this section of the forum on Marriage and Divorce. Sirin's website will also give you lots of information, I'm afraid that none or very little is going to be specific to Canada but that's what you need to see a lawyer about I suppose.

I'm really glad for the way you've received the opinions we gave, it means you can move on and start getting some action all the more quickly. Good for you.

 

Çukurbağlı's blog. Warning - takes you off the forum and into the www.wilderness

 

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Hi Francine I'm really glad you have been able to take on board the info and advice we have given, and that you now feel strong enough to deal with what has to happen.....

I dont think that anyone on here can give you legal advice as were not sure what the laws are in Canada..... but I can say that when I married my Turkish Husband (6yrs ago) in Turkey my marriage was automatically recognised in the UK and I didn't have to register the marriage in the UK.....

But if we were to Divorce, because I'm English I would need to Divorce in the UK to be able to re-marry, or just simply to be divorced... I wouldnt have to divorce in Turkey, unless I wanted to re-marry another Turk guy or just simply marry in the country...... but my Turk Hubby wouldnt be able to re-marry again or even just be divorced without getting a divorce in Turkey, so he no doubt would want a divorce in Turkey....so as it lies we more than likely would have to divorce in both countries to leave each other free to move on....

If I was living in the Uk I would seek a divorce there first then I can appoint a Turkish solicitor (give power of attorney) and allow them to seek divorce in Turkey for me... this can be done to save me the time and expense of travling to Turkey to make my divorce..... You may find after speaking to a solicitor at your end that your marriage/Divorce follows a similar pattern.... and may have to divorce in both countries to be free from each other..... Turkish law says that anything acquired previous to marriage (house, car, money) is classed as a personal assett so Hubby would not have any claim to any of it...... anything purchased after the marriage, (car,house money earned) would have to be shared... you need to check if the same applies to you....

I hope you can find the strength to cope with what has to follow now you have accepted what you already knew, but was hoping wasnt true....

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FrancineI'm sorry I didn't see your post sooner, and I'm so sorry to see the situation you find yourself in.

Sadly, I do agree with what's been said. Your original post tells us so much, and there really isn't much room for doubt. This is a calculating and cruel man who's been casual with your feelings.

I agree that you need to get legal advice to safeguard your financial situation. It's possible that he may not pursue you for any of your assets, and just used you for the opportunity to get to Canada and earn that money, but you need to be prepared. You say that you rent rather than own your house - so at least you don't stand to lose your home, but you still need to be wary.

Morally, you should really be entitled to some money from him - but a clean break from him may prove more healthy for you.

The one thing you shouldn't do is blame yourself for this situation. There's a reason why so many people (men and women) get pulled into relationships like this, and it's simply that we all want to be loved. When a skillful person works out how to attract someone and sets out to exploit their vulnerabilities, emotions become stronger than logic. You're not a fool. You were just unlucky enough to meet a ruthless player.

The winning outcome of this for you (though you may feel far from happy) would be to simply get out of this destructive relationship as cleanly and quickly as possible. You've been so badly manipulated, that all your instincts have been to cling on and win him back - but he's far from the man you fell in love with, so why would you fight to hold on to what he is now?

Once you've gathered a bit of strength, I'm sure you'll start to regain your self esteem and get angry. Who does this man think he is? He had so little in Turkey that he was willing to use you to better himself (the cafe story may not even be true). He has then treated you with no respect or compassion, and seems to underestimate your intelligence. Not the sort of man that most women would dream of being with, so why put yourself through the indignity of fighting for such a poor excuse of a man?

Of course you were right to try to salvage your marriage, but sadly I don't think wasting more time on him is going to work out. It just buys him more time to choose his options, and settle his future in Canada.

My advice would be to get some legal advice, and then seek to cut all ties as soon as possible. Maybe it's for the best that you don't know where he's living as it's one less tie to sever.

You sound like an emotionally very self aware person. You already know that you can deal with this. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and you will look back on this from a much better position soon.

As already mentioned, you'd be really welcome on the site link which is below - and there (as well as here) you would find plenty of support. Take care, and rediscover the strong woman you were before you met him.

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Hi All,I've got a new sense about me and I have you to thank. :drunk[1]: I'm a sensible person, regarding your responses I've taken a little of each to put together which has undoubtedly given me much strength. I haven't got my head around what I foresee the outcome to be as of yet, however my first step will be to talk with a lawyer here. When one loses a significant person in their life, grief prevails with all it's stages. I'm definitely in shock, moving into anger. Just a month ago I had hope, today I don't want it. Already accepting what's happened I've validated the fact that I've been used indeed and I see it so very clearly now. I'm going to give myself time to go through the initial cycle of the stages before I make any final decisions regarding the details of divorce. I know this is inevitable in my situation, I haven't cried and I really want to, it will come I am sure. I wonder if anyone has ever written a letter to the mother/family of such a cruel and calculating man even though I'm sure they are in on it. I would really like to do this so that they get even a little sense of the monster they raised to fulfill such a dehumanizing scheme, ignorance or not. Sort of like bursting their bubble regarding the high regard they must have for their offspring that bestows them with opportunity and gifts, off of the back of a hard working, moral and decent human being such as I. Yes is it really worth it considering they wouldn't give a darn I am sure. I think it would be worth it as a stage in my own healing, just to know I did it without any expectation. Would you know of anyone who would translate what I write into Turkish for me? It's an option for sure. Thanks for listening. Francine

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Francine,

I agree with all that has been written here. I've seen it all before--in Tarsus we met a person who was in the middle of a con with a woman in Europe. His pregnant wife knew all about it, so probably their families did too. He tried to pull us into his con by befriending us. He wanted me to teach him English so that he could communicate better with his 'girlfriend'. When we realized what he was up to we were so disgusted with him that we refused to have anything to do with him.

Sirin's very sensitive message is also true: don't blame yourself. I have one thing to add to her comment, "he's far from the man you fell in love with, so why would you fight to hold on to what he is now?" and that is that you fell in love with an idea, not a real man. I think most of us do that in all innocence. We're pretty lucky if the idea turns out to be halfway accurate.

I applaud you for your strength and courage--now go take back your life!

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Hi Francine, I glad the forum was helpful to you and already I can see a more positive you emerging, so good for you.

With regard to writting a letter to his family I can honestly say it won't make any difference to the way they feel about him so really it wouldn't be worth sending. What I would say is that you do write this letter detailing things like how he treated you and what when on in the marriage, when you have finished it read it and then burn it. I did a similar thing a long time ago when I had read everything I had written I was shocked that I had allowed myself to be treated that way and for so long.

I was wondering why your husband was still keeping the marriage going until I read that it can take over 4 years to get Canadian Citizenship and then it all became clear.

I hope you have family and friends to see you through this period whilst it may be long and painful time for you, you will get through it, I'm just sorry that people like this exist.

Take care :drunk[1]:

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