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Advice needed. Stunned and heartbroken

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I was wondering if anyone here could give me advice and help me recover from this. I am new to here and apologise for how long this is.

I am 39 years old. I have 2 children from a previous marriage. I had been in a relationship with a Turkish man since June 2016 until October 2020. 

At the start, he used to always ask me to marry him, but it became a joke between us and at the start I knew he wasń´t serious. We got along so well, talking well into the night about anything and everything. He said I was not like turkish girls who he said were controlling and jealous. I don´t know anything about turkish girls so I don´t know if he is telling the truth or not. We would text every day and talk on the phone as well. I went to meet him in September 2017. We had such a brilliant time together, but I am not naive and I asked him did he want to meet again and if he didn´t to tell me as I wasn´t emotionally involved and it would be ok. He said was I crazy that he loved his time with me and wanted to spend many times with me in the future. We went to Sofia for New Year 2017/18 and again had a great time. Every so often, we would talk about marrying but I wasn´t divorced. I am Irish and you had to be separated 5 years at that time. I was separated 3. I also have 2 children so he would have had to move here.

He said he would, but I knew when we went to look for his job, it was on his mind about leaving his Mam. He always said he was 80 percent certain he wanted to move here, but he was worried about his Mam. His Dad is dead and he has an elder brother, but he seemed to be the man of the family, not the brother. I never ever pushed him to move here and always said that if and when he was ready, we could talk properly about it. He asked could we visit Turkey a couple of times a year and of course I agreed as I love it there. I also said I would move back with him when my kids were grown up. We actually looked at buying a property over there. That´s how serious I thought we were. Everything continued the same and I would visit every 6 weeks or so.

In February 2019, out of the blue, he told me he was going to date his ex again. He said it as if I shouldn´t have a problem with it as he told me. I always thought that was weird. They had been in contact that weekend and she said she wanted to be with him again so he wanted to try again. At this stage we had been together over 2 years and he was dropping me after having talked to her for one night. She lived in Macedonia and apparently she was going to move to be with him. She didn´t during the 5 years they were together and that is apparently the reason why they broke up, but I am starting to doubt that now. I am questioning everything he ever said to me. A week after he said this to me, my Dad died. We stayed in contact and after about a month, he asked me to visit him again. 

I did and we spoke about what he did, he said sorry, he missed me and he had made a huge mistake. He seemed to realise that he had lost me for a while and didn´t like it one bit. He was telling me he loved me and I meant so much to him, how he wanted to find a job here. He told me he was an a**hole sometimes, but I always stuck by him and he was lucky I was his girl. I went over to his town in September 2019 and met some of his friends, brother and sister in law. They all loved me and so many said that he should marry me and move to be with me. 

I went over to see him 3 more times before Covid hit and lockdown happened. I was so worried we would break up due to no flights and I spoke to him about it. He told me I was crazy, he would wait for me and we would definitely see each other again. He said I was his best friend, that I was the best thing in his life, the best thing to ever happen to him and he would be waiting at the airport to see me when I could travel. That put my mind at ease.

In October 2020, he sent me a text saying he was bored and talked about the pandemic. I knew where it was heading so I rang him. I asked had he been with someone else, I asked had he been in touch with any ex again and I asked was he breaking up with me. 3 times he said no. The next day he text me saying that he couldn´t move here, I couldn´t move there, that he didn´t want to lose me but it was reality. He stopped texting me every night and stopped calling me my pet names and sending me kisses. I gave him space and rang him about 2 days later, I asked could he not make a decision about our future while I couldn´t see him and would he wait until I could fly over. He promised me he would.

In December, he told me he had met someone else. Again it was a different ex and she had moved back to his town after her Mam died. They had gotten close again, but he never told her he had a girlfriend. He told her I was a friend. He told me he didn´t want to lose me and wanted to talk every day again. He told me he missed me, he missed how things were with me and we eventually started sexting and having phone sex again. I am not proud of that but I thought it would be like the last time and he would realise that he couldn´t give me up.

During one phone call in March, he told me that he would have to marry her. I said why as he had only been with her 3 months and he said he had been with her 7 months. I pulled him up on that and I said he had met her in December. He said no it was the end of the summer. So he was with me and her at the same time. I don´t know if she ever asked questions about me as he had said I was a friend.

He told me he was under pressure from his friends and family to marry and as they had mutual friends(they worked together 8 years earlier), it seemed easier to marry her. He didn´t flinch at all telling me this. He didn´t care that he had lied to me, he had cheated on me and he didn´t care that he was cheating on her. I went mad, told him I hoped he regretted it, it was a stupid reason to marry someone and I couldn´t wish him happiness. 


That night he sent me a text saying that he had already regretted breaking up with me again, but couldn´t change it, He had to do it.

We continued to talk on and off and do stuff on the phone until May. One Friday night 4 weeks ago, he called me, we talked, he told me he missed me, talked about our sex life and how he loved it with me and I always gave the feeling that I wanted and liked it. I don´t know if maybe he had tried to have sex with her and he didn´t like it but he was reminising about our sex life. We had phone sex again and then he had to g to work. I went mad as I thought he was using me. I sent him an email telling him exactly how he had made me feel over the last few months. 

He wrote back saying that everything I had said was right and he would have to stop contact. I think he was a bit annoyed that I had spoken to him like that cos I never had before. He said that it would be hard not talking to me after over 4 years but he had to do it. 

That was 24th May. I put a quote on twitter on Friday morning and he copied it into a private message with a thumbs up. I don´t know if he was reaching out to me, but I didn´t reply. The next day I found out he got engaged. So within 4 weeks of stopping contact with me, he´s engaged and will marry soon I am sure.

I can´t get my head around it. He didn´t break up with me properly, he didn´t speak to me face to face like he promised and not once in 8 months did he answer a single question I asked about why he did it. 

How can he go from a 4 year relationship, to getting engaged without getting over the previous relationship. I can´t understand that.

I am floored and I can´t begin to even face what happened. I can´t believe that I will never see him again, never talk to him again, never kiss or hug him again. Seeing him in those engagement photos made me feel sick and I don´t know her, but I hated seeing her happy with him. We had plans to live there and all that is gone. 

How do I begin to get over this and why would he leave me for another ex that he went out with for a month 7 years ago. Please help me because at this moment I want to fall asleep and not wake up. 

I can believe he has dumped me twice for two different exes. When I said this to him, again he didn´t think he had done anything wrong as he had told me he was doing it. He is 39 and seems so immature when it comes to relationships. 

I don think I will ever get over that he didn´t tell her about me. He called me a friend. I always thought he was embarrassed by me and this proves it to me. I wasn´t a one night stand that he was ashamed of. I was a serious girlfriend.

Sorry again that it is so long and thank you for reading.

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I'm really sorry you have been through this but it is not uncommon for Turkish men to get to a certain age (anywhere from 24 upwards) and marry due to family pressure. I have a close Turkish girlfriend who dated a Turkish man 10 years younger than her. She had already been married and didn't want children and always knew he would eventually marry someone else. What she, and all of us, her friends, didn't expect, was to find out that the during the summer of the second year they were together he got engaged to a girl from Morocco. At the time he said his sister was in hospital which we all accepted as the reason we didn't see him for a couple of weeks but later realised must have been when the girl came over to Turkey, met him and they decided to get married. About four months later we were on an overseas trip, where my Turkish girlfriend shared a room with this guy, and found out he was marrying someone else. When we told him we didn't want to see him any more because he'd lied to my best friend, and to us, he didn't understand why we were so upset.

I don't know how to help you get over that man but do hope you can, otherwise he'll just keep coming back and expect to pick you up again like a discarded toy, even after he marries.

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Thank you so much for the reply. It has helped me. I do feel it is all pressure but also feel that he has a voice and he could have used to to say that he wanted to be with me. I’m trying to think that I’m not too familiar with the culture though so maybe he couldn’t.

Do you think he would try and come back even after he marries? Do you not think he will be faithful?

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I'm shocked at the way he has treated you, Softhearted, & it does seem to me he doesn't know his own mind but caves in to community pressure, meaning it's easy to make him do what he thinks society wants him to do. 

If his feelings for you were really strong he'd be able to resist that pressure he's under.  But that sort of man seems unable to love any one person fully, which means the girl he is marrying will likely be disappointed in the same way in time.  And yes, it is possible he may try to come back to you at some stage.  if he does, you should know he may disappoint you again, because he is emotionally unstable.

I wish for you to look for someone else... when you are ready. :)


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Thank you Meral so much for your reply. I honestly can’t get my head around what has happened. 

I was hoping even one of his friends would ask him was he doing the right thing, but not to be. 

I feel like he has wasted nearly 5 years of my life, promised me so much and then decided that he can’t go against his family so tough on me. 

He has used me for 4 years but now all of a sudden, he wants the Muslim Turkish girl, the virgin, the one that will look after him. I’m devastated 

I always thought exes were exes for a reason but he has gone back to 2 during his time with me. Why does his think anything will have changed from the reasons he broke up with her in the first place. 

I have so many questions in my head that it will be a while before I feel peace

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Yes, it will take a while to clear it all out of your mind, & then you'll be able to see him in his true colours.  You would almost have to feel sorry for the girl he is marrying; she doesn't know these things about him yet but will realize one day & (having married him) be even more disappointed than you are right now. 

At least you now have the chance to move on from this & give yourself a chance to meet someone who appreciates you. :) 

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Hi Softhearted,

Sorry to hear about your heartbreak. A lot of Turkish men cheat. Probably a lot of men in general cheat, but I think that Turkish men maybe more so because it is more difficult for them to get sex. I have been with my ex (he used to be my husband but I divorced him) on and off for 16 years and he tells me stories of all his friends who have foreign mistresses/girlfriends from all part of the world. Often, their Turkish wives are even aware of the situation but don't say a word because they benefit from it (gifts and money for the kids). I am sure my ex also cheats but I don't really care because we live far apart so what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. For me, his loyalty is more important than who he has flings with. All this to say that yes, your ex will most probably reach out to you again, especially since sex with his new virgin wife will probably be much less exciting for him than it was with you. The male Turkish mentality can be quite stupid frankly. They want a woman who is a motherly type and will look after them in the old-fashioned way, yet at the same time, they want the woman with whom they can have wild sex. And usually, these are not one in the same woman. It will take you time to heal, but time heals all wounds and I am sure you will find another guy to love again.

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