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What Makes A Marriage To A Turk Work?

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Ken Grubb

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I've been happily married to my Turkish Dream Man for 22 years. Posted Image I love him so much; he is my everything. I think our story might be a bit different than many for a variety of reasons, so I don't know if our story will be of much use to others. We met in college and were best friends for 5 years before we even started dating. At some point well after graduation, we couldn't figure out why we had such bad luck at love when we were such nice, normal people. I think it finally occurred to us that maybe we had our ideal mate under our nose the entire time. I think when you know someone as a friend for years, they know the "real you" and have seen you--and you them--in every kind of situation, so there are very few surprises. Although: there were still surprises! (like: he objected to me wearing tank tops after we were married. Like; I would insist on having a dog.) I think it was also a factor in our favor that he had grown up in the west and his family had embraced western culture and prefer it to Turkish culture. Nowadays, this makes me a little sad, actually, but it made it easier for me to assimulate, and having lived in the west for a good 15+ years, they understood me and my ways more than most Turkish families would, I think. I think as I've matured and grown, I would be able to blend in more with a more traditional Turkish family, but it did make it easy for me that they were both secular and west-enthusiastic. I also happen to have the best, nicest, most loving, kindest MIL, and my FIL, may he rest in peace, I adored. So all these things made things easy for me, not to mention the mutual love and respect my husband and I share.

That said, I do think that for certain types of people of both nationalities, inter-marriage will be much more of a challenge. I think if either member is extremely tied to his or her country/nationality/traditions, it will be hard unless they find a mate that is completely enamored and wants to emulate that nationality. So let's say a man is super Turkish and a woman is just completely enamored by all things Turkish; that could work. Vice versa the nationalities and genders. But if you are super into your own nationality and traditions, then it would naturally be a bit harder. I'm thinking of Americans, for instance, who live for (American) football season, play "fantasy football" at work, love the tailgate parties, plan elaborate SuperBowl parties, etc. This is definitely not a "fringe" type but pretty common, actually. I think it would be hard for that person to live in Turkey, because so much of what gives them joy is just not to be found there. There are other things that, while it may seem like a small thing, it really isn't, i.e. I think a dog-lover may very well have a tough go with a Turkish spouse. In all the Turks I've ever met, only one has a dog. A few have cats; most don't have pets. I think it's fair to say that most (of course not all) Turks just don't feel the same way about animals as Europeans and Americans/Canadians do. In my city, there are dog beaches and dog parks--special places just for people and their dogs to interact with eachother. People bring dogs into stores and dogs sit outside with them at cafes. Many cafes and stores offer free doggie treats and bowls of water. So again, if you are used to that kind of thing, I think it would be a rude shock to go to Turkey where most people don't believe dogs should be let indoors.

Likewise, other broad categories I can think of who might have a hard time are people who are really into animal rights, vegetarians, and people of both nationalities who are really into their careers. I was a vegetarian when I lived in Turkey the first time, and it was sort of miserable because they put meat into everything, i.e. soup, often dolma, etc. Gained over 30 pounds because practically the only thing "safe" was pastries and sweets, and even those you had to be careful with (chicken pudding! Yuck!) I think it's super hard if you are ambitious and career-minded in terms of living in another country, because for most jobs other than language teaching in Turkey, one needs a pretty high level of language skill to get any job, much less a very desirable one in one's own field.

Then there are the values others have mentioned, like the Turkish love for community and close family relations and sharing of intimate knowledge. I love my MIL dearly, but I admit that I was shocked the first morning in Turkey when she turned to my husband and asked about his bowel movement--and he actually told her! And then she turned to me and asked about mine! I said, "There's absolutely no way I'm having this conversation." Because my MIL is wonderful, she just laughed. But I know that they still found it puzzling and hurtful that I would prefer sometimes to slip into my room and read a book when I could do so in the living room around everybody else.

I think there are more problems when a European/American/British/Canadian woman has a Turkish husband than when a European/American/British/Canadian man marries a Turkish woman. The reason is perceived notions of gender inequity. The Turkish woman who takes a western spouse is very likely secular and relishes the freedom and values of her spouse. (As I write this, I flinch a little because I'm aware that this may be a sterotype, but it has been my observation that very religious Turkish women--women who cover themselves, for example, do not marry non-Muslim foreigners and move out of the country.) I have observed many happy secular Turkish women living with their American husbands, for instance. The reason why I think it's tough for European/American/British/Canadian women to marry Turkish men is because there is the tendency for a strong, visceral reaction when sees what one perceives as pervasive sexism. I am not saying sexism doesn't exist in Turkey, but I do thing that some things that seem unacceptably sexist are actually not so. Some examples: like many western women, I thought women who cover themselves are "repressed." I thought this for years--that surely they are forced to cover themselves and bear babies they don't want and generally act like slaves in their own homes. Then I began to meet a great many covered women, and was surprised to discover that many are highly educated and pursue interesting, competitive jobs. I think the biggest surprise was to find that they don't feel "repressed" at all, but the opposite--they feel more free to move about and live their lives because they aren't being disrespected and objectified by men checking them out/trying to hit on them etc. In some ways, I really do believe that it is the feminist ideal of taking one's desireability and appearance completely off the table. But I also do know that surely in the köys, especially, there are girls and women who are not given the chance to decide for themselves whether or not they want to cover.

For the most part, for (male) strangers to check you out in Turkey is not a nice, fun, flattering sort of innocent compliment that I do believe it is for the most part in the west; it really is a type of disrespect, a con, a way of seeing how far they can go to take advantage of you, either physically or monetarily. But I wince when I say this, too, because I think things are different among the very young (i.e. college-age) and also there are people who are just big-hearted people-people who are interested in getting to know others. Maybe I should say that the first sentence in this paragraph is the reason why Turkish husbands do not like their wives to wear revealing clothes. For some, it may be jealousy, but i do think others are aware that it just not be appropriate and that they don't want to see their spouse mocked or gossiped about, which, let's face it, is a real possibility. And as much as it may be the westerner's impulse to say "so what! They can climb a tree!" (or some other, less benign expletive) the truth is that one can make oneself a neighborhood pariah, the object of all the gossip, and it's a painful thing, if not for the woman (who may not care) for the husband and the family, who most assuredly probably will, because reputation is important in Turkey in a way it may seem silly and antiquated in the west. I know that when I start teaching, and I will be living alone for a few months, I am going to be very careful to cultivate friendships with women. While I enjoy a lot of male friendships here, I absolutely cannot see myself inviting a male co-worker, alone, out to dinner, or gosh-forbid over to my place for tea or for an evening of backgammon, no way. Now, some women would (will) say "no way" to what I just wrote. There's no way that they are going to pre-determine who they are going to be friends with, depending on gender, and they will have over who they please and do what they please, thank you very much. I totally understand that, and I support their decision. Everyone gets to determine how they each live their life. But what I'm saying here is that those are the people, I think, that are going to have a harder time with a Turkish spouse, and a Turkish spouse is going to have a harder time with them, if the spouse is not extremely secular. Not that it couldn't work; it would just be a tougher road.

So in addition to mutual love and respect, I think it how much cultural flexibility one and one's spouse has, is the biggest determining factor in how things work out. My husband has lived in 5 different countries; I've lived in 4. We are able to see things from a variety of perspectives and understand and accept certain values even if we don't agree with them. This all helps.

Sorry so long, but it is such an interesting topic, and I was so very interested in varied voices here, I wanted to add mine to the mix. Posted Image

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For the most part, for (male) strangers to check you out in Turkey is not a nice, fun, flattering sort of innocent compliment that I do believe it is for the most part in the west; it really is a type of disrespect, a con, a way of seeing how far they can go to take advantage of you, either physically or monetarily.

Perhaps it's because I live in a coastal resort, but I've never experienced this at all. The same with what you wear, here almost anything goes, strapless tops included.

While I enjoy a lot of male friendships here, I absolutely cannot see myself inviting a male co-worker, alone ................

I generally don't think that this would really be acceptable in the UK unless you had ulterior motives.
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I generally don't think that this would really be acceptable in the UK unless you had ulterior motives.

I don't know; I just had dinner with a former co-worker last week. He's helping me with a project and I took him out to dinner to say "thank you" and catch up. It was perfectly normal and both my husband and his girlfriend were aware of it. (Both were invited; my husband didn't want to drive out to the 'burbs; his girlfriend had to pick up her kids, but popped in to say hi.) No big deal at all.

When we first got married, we lived in the same city as a friend from college. He and I like jazz and my husband doesn't. And so we would go to jazz clubs together. It was perfectly friendly.

In the past I've had a male neighbor who liked to cook and bake, as I do. Sometimes I'd go to his place or he to mine and we would cook together, and then have a meal that included our partners, or we'd have a lovely afternoon baking and talking and afterwards would split up the cookies we made between us.

My husband's best friend and I both had jobs where we would sporadically have to work late hours. If we were both working late, I would often pick him up and we would get some fast food somewhere, as the company cafeteria wasn't open for dinner and we worked in an office park in a kind of crappy neighborhood and you couldn't get anything to eat without having a car. He took the train, and often one doesn't know one has to work late until late in the afternoon, so it was just kind and practical to pick him up and go to dinner. If we were going home around the same time, I'd offer to give him a ride as it was on the way and the commuter trains from the 'burbs get fewer and farther between in the evening.

I have never thought twice about any of these things. Neither has my husband. But I don't think it's a good idea in Turkey, although I may be wrong.

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  • 7 months later...

Hey guys, I figured I should post some details to help out for potential couples,

First of all I'm a Turkish citizen that spent most of my time living abroad in USA. I met with my wife during my time in collage and She is from Sweden. We have been together for over 6 years. But we just got married recently. We also moved back to Turkey to my hometown since I got a good job offer and some relatives to support us if needed.

Basically my first advise for long lasting marriage is language. At the moment me and my wife having really difficult time with our marriage due to not pushing enough learning Turkish. There is about 10% of the population speaking acceptable level of English so if you don't learn the language you will be mostly feeling helpless. Which will lead being a bit antisocial which causes strain at home.

Second of all, not all Turkish man/woman is the same as what described here on and off. There are plenty modern, educated and independent people out here. You do have to look closely and spend enough time to make sure this is what you want and what you can handle to take the step for marriage. Do not rush to anything. We waited 5 years for it for a good reason and even that didn't turn out so well.

Turkish families are pretty close so whoever you marry guy/girl, doesn't matter they will have a family member that they are dependent. Could be nosey at certain times.

Finally, my tips are basically is learn the language, don't get married quickly, Live together with person you care about till you learn their personality very well. Make sure their family won't make it too difficult for you two. Find friends, Turkish or same or different nationality people around your community to talk to. Being home sick could lead to depression and brake ups.

I hope this helps to someone ^^

Cheers.

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Thank you for your contribution invulnerable. I think that families can put a great strain on relationships if you are not used to the closeness of Turkish families. Unfortunately, most of them don't seem to take into consideration that you might have different ways of doing things. One of the things that caused a lot of irritation in my marriage was the family turning up with little warning and not knowing how many were coming or how long they were going to stay and never contributing to expenses. I know this is normal for Turkish families but it wasn't normal for me, especially when I was expecting members of my own family who had months ago checked that it was convenient to come at that time.

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  • 3 months later...

Very insightful to read these posts, I now realize that being of Latin Culture (Spanish) is not much different than being Turkish, especially since we are brought up to respect and honor all religions I would have no problem with that.... We are a very mixed culture. I have family that is Arabic and My mother is Jewish , my father was Atheist. My husband to be is very open and we are both non religion affiliated ...... well I see so many similarities from what people described. We also pay for all costs when family comes and pick up all the bills. We are also to respect the families opinions and choices, I was brought up to follow our husband no matter what religion he follows. So I would say just from reading this....it will be a pretty smooth transition. I do not drink or smoke by choice....so seems like not too many differences. The living in the United States gets you used to being very independent and self serving. Great reading. Posted Image

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  • 7 months later...

I met my husband in Fethiye1998, we then married early 2001 and are proud parents of two girls.

 

 

I don't think it matters what nationality they are, the important part is similarity, trust, respect and of course love. If you are from different faiths as we are then you either accept and understand the faith of the other or remain forever in the grey area of life or it will always be a discussion that no one wins.

 

 

The differences of a man and women are the same all over the world but maybe slightly more evident in a cross of cultures. A huge amount of Turkey remains quite strongly a mans world with ladies taking great pride in looking after their husbands. Whereas in Europe its more about we are equal in every part of life and we each deserve to be pampered a complete culture shock for some Turkish men. They love the romance and the chase and appeal of something new and different and woo like the best lovers.

 

 

Reality sets in fast though and they begin to miss the unquestionable position they would have held with a marriage of their own country person. You can see clearly on Turkish TV that Turkey is a true rainbow of culture as some areas are a little more to the Europe feel and others the traditional roles that potentially Europe had in the 1950's and 60's.

 

 

Turkish men prefer to be the bread winner and main decision maker for the whole family, however women rule the roost and menu and children and home in general. In return the man is to be respected and admired for taking such care of his family. This has proved hard for ourselves, as I have a career as well as being a mum and wife and have a stern belief in equality that melt a little with the love I feel for my husband.

 

 

He asks occasionally for advice and guidance and he listens but i will never know if he followed it as it would dent his pride to admit if I was right. Sometimes he nods and gives an indication of perhaps but then dismisses me to talk it through with a male friend. I have never taken this personally as this is his pride and some may say stubborn personality but I respect him as I would my best friend. In return as a gesture i ask his advice and mostly its not too bad but its more to re-enforce his trust and pride as we all know women are always right.

 

 

Levels of education also matter, when we first married he was a skilled trades person but i could see potential to succeed in him and over the years I have encouraged and nurtured his passion to reach for more from life. He has surpassed any of my expectations and still desires more so in that I am extremely proud of him. Our troubles in the early marriage were from my thoughts he knew far more than he did and his intent was malicious on occasion to make me feel inferior. Then understanding his harsh words sometimes came from his pride being dented or his ability to provide in question.

 

 

He has been on too many occasions selfish and single minded and a frying pan could have resolved the frustration i felt. As i chose to work finances have always been a real sticky situation and a bitter pill for him to swallow however he then went too far across the scale to the point of my earning run everything and his goes to savings for rainy days and business opportunities he chose and this created an imbalance. Hmmm it doesn't sit comfortable but we are all ok with it.

 

 

My cautions for anyone considering marriage or in a new marriage are to seriously understand if all you say is clearly understood you may think it is but actually they hardly understood a word.

 

1. Your role in the marriage and his viewpoint of what he expects and desires from you (dinner on the table, slippers and tea by the hour)

 

2. Finance - Turkish don't usually do equal but they take good care.. check and always have your own rainy day fund.

 

3. Children - how many, general care, religion, school systems, birthdays, Festivals in both cultures he may just pass the responsibility onto you completely don't presume you will share talk about beliefs and expectations as when one arrives it could be too late.

 

4. Living arrangements - were and with who, Europe is more isolated private living and Turkey is pretty much a free for all having woken to a house full of people many days it can take its toll

 

5. Friends - the cultural diffences makes them very insecure which becomes controlling it is an area of support you need so be sure to be open, honest and ready to compromise what is good for him, he may not believe or be happy to accept from you.

 

 

We are still married but we class every year a success as it always comes close to "is life meant to be this hard" and always compromising takes it's on toll on enthusiasm and passion. He is superficial and cruel on occasion and sometimes i seriously think this is not a role model I want for the girls. So it isn't easy ... its the opposite of easy and every year i look back and think wow how on earth did we survive that one. I have many friends married to Turkish but I have seen them divorce one by one, lasting 13 years or more is rare indeed.

 

 

PATIENCE and LOVE in abundance!!!

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  • 4 months later...

Hi. I am a Turkish man in his fifties who has lived most of his adult life abroad in English speaking countries.

 

General Turkish education system produces a certain type of person. When that is coupled with a traditional family background, the result is a certain type of person which makes up roughly 90 to 95 percent of the Turkish population. However, there is a small percentage of Turkish population which follow a path outside this system (educated abroad or having a family outside the typical). If your Turkish boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/partner/husband/wife is in this 10%, then things are going to be very different than being with a Turkish person who is in the 90%.

 

So really, rate your Turkish person. Is the person in the 10% or in the 90% ? The differences are huge. If the person is in the 10%, he/she is very much like an American person in the mind. But if the person is in the 90%, then everything will be very much traditional Turkish. If you have found someone who is in the 10%, your chances of being happy with that person is as high as a western partner and maybe even more. But if the person is in the 90%, then you'll face the challanges of the traditional way of Turkish thinking. 

 

Living as a Turkish man for decades in the west, I have had my share of negativity about the Turkish and suffered from it. Things like women declining to date me as soon as they find out my Turkish roots. But their basis is that 90%. What about the 10% that is being burnt out because of the reputation of the 90% ?

 

In the western countries, it is almost like a curse having Turkish roots. Most people and especially the opposite sex would dismiss you based on your background. That is the ugly reality. 

 

If you are on this forum, you obviously are a lover of Turkey and its people. If you have made such an unconventional choice, I firstly would congradulate you because I think you are not in the 90% in your home country either and you can think outside the box. If you have found a Turkish man or a woman who is in the 10%, you may have a jewel in your hands who will make you very happy for the rest of your life.

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  • 1 month later...

I've been married almost 30 years with my Turkish husband and have not regretted a day of it and look forward to hopefully thirty more.

 

I do not think of him as "my Turkish husband," and I am not his "foreign wife."

 

We are very similar people, academics and workaholics, and we also share a huge sense of absurdist humor. Our families are of the same social class. I think that helps a lot. Plus, we met when I came here do do graduate work.

 

Most of all, we are both very polite. We have not had a fight in all the time we have been together. We disagree, but we enjoy talking things through.

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  • 2 months later...

Hi everyone...

I'm new in the forum and, as my nickname says, I'm quite broken right now.

A few months ago my love story with my turkish boyfriend (and husband to be) has come to an end.

We got through all the rough times (Being far, soldier, finishing uni, requiring visas etc) and I thought it was finally time for us to live our happy life, but not: it's over, instead.

I still love him (and I suffer too much), but I had to close our relationship and even if he was crying and saying "no" at the beginning now he's going really fine with it, never contacting me and deleting me from his life.

To make a long story short: the problem, the huge problem, was/is/would always be...

HIS PARENTS.

We met in 2011 while I was working in TR. We lived together, we were very happy and in love. Then I went back to my country (I really missed my family, and dog, and nieces too much for going a year more...also I lived a horrible experience with mobbing at work and so I wasn't ready to live in TR one more time after just 2 months of holidayS, even if my love for him was huge).

After 1 year of visiting each other, he finally stayed 8 months in my city and my home, and we lived super well and happy together.

I couldn't be any more happy...

I thought we could and would be happy forever ... until his parents started to be very oppressive/bossy/bitchy/devilish.

At the beginning of our story they were like ghosts (and I was very happy about it): he wasn't caring too much about them, they were living in different cities and basically not caring about each other...when he was calling to say hi they were "scared" if he could ask any money to them so their phone calls were super fast and - I dare to say - super rude. One time he was very sad about that, he said to me "I just wanted to say hi and ask if everything was fine...but they treated me so awful because they thought I was going to ask them money!!". Shame on them.

Anyway, when he came near me they suddenly became "huge fans" of their son: they were calling him every day on skype for at least 1 hour every night (sometimes 2 hours O.o ) for knowing everything about what we were doing, where we were going, what we were eating, everything.

They never asked anything about his life before, not even "how are you doing" and suddenly they become super loving and caring parents...

His mother was also crying on Skype...and I was becoming super angry!!!

He lived like a prince in my city and my home, he was totally free and trusted, everyone in my family loved him and respected him...and his parents were behaviouring like he was a soldier in a war!

Anyway, we rarely fighted while he was here...and when we did it, it was always due to his horrible parents.

At the beginning of our story they showed themselves very open minded and nice to me, and I used to like them even if they were sometimes intrusive and really obsessed with money; the first two times that I went in their home (and not in his own student apartment) we even managed to have the possibility to decide what to do and where to go.

Anyway, after those 8 dreamy months in my city I decided to go with him, and it was both a mistake and... Destiny (because I had the chance to see the real face of his parents!).

After getting out of my home everything changed, I felt it was over. And it really was over, even if we survived for a year more.

Arrived to his city his parents started to be very annoying and intrusive. We never had any time to be alone. Every day, every second, they were arranging something with relatives and friends (both coming to their home or arranging us to go).

It was a hell for me. I was crying, I was really unhappy and frustrated, also because he was never saying something to them, he was just obeying like a soldier. Also he was going out with his male friends at night and leaving me in home with those two...

I was in that small city and in that home for him and he was going out by himself with his friends. So sweet and caring.

It was a horrible, horrible time for me. A nightmare. I just wanted to go back home, waiting for that f*cking soldier to be over (he was going to go in a few months) and start our life together...even in Turkey (I had some problems while living there, as I said...but for him, I could even live there...maybe not forever but for a while! And for sure going back whenever we could...because, even if I had problems in back in there, I loved and respected his country!) but far from those two.

Probably his parents were thinking their son would have broken up with that yabanci one day soon, not putting wedding on the table.

After he came back home from soldier everything went to hell...and in less than a month it was over. We fighted for a month non stop. Every day, every minute, every second.

I had found a job already, I was sure to go (I even had my plane tickets), I was going to sign the contract and ... he finally said to me His Father was sad because he was going to live in another city! I became a fool... I said to him that they were sad and he was just 2 hours by car far from theM...what my parents should have said theN??? Their only girl was going to another country and they were just happy for me and for us! What a disgusting people.

It happened also that while we were on Skype his gentleman father pretended to not see me while he went near his son and when I said Hi he answered in a very rude and disgusting way, pretending to be fast and busy, not even smiling to me. Generally he was saying KIZIM to me...that time he barely said hi and my name.

The problem was that I was daring to take their son from them...

And they just care about the money he will make with his job, not about him. They didn't even remember his birthday while he was a soldier...he was sad about that but now who cares! It's better to delete me than his awful and devilish parents from his life.

They brainwashed him after he came back from his military service. They started to not talk to him, to fight even with each other, they played their game oh so well. They even gave some "gold" to him, a few days after he was back home: he should sell it because they didn't have any money for their bills!!!

Gosh. They are evil. They are devils. They already made their first son to come back from Europe, years ago, and break up with his yabanci fiance...

Now he's married with a turk... and they're not even happy, they were saying all the worst things about her (so, I thought, they do the same with me when I just turn my back!) but better a turk than a yabanci.

Now I'm heartbroken, he's saying we will have problems in the future and he doens't wanna divorce.

Problems are: 1) where to live - he doesn't wanna go away (never) from TR,,,suddenly he has changed his mind...in the past 4 years his mind was open to a future abroad but now, after the brainwashing: NO! Just TR.

2) his parents (at the beginning of the fight they were just a small problem...now they're the second main problem...and I would say the only one!

3) he became scared about marrying! -.-"

Guys please I need some help. I'm heartbroken, I can't cope with all this pain and sorrow.

I've lost my smile, I can't believe all this happened to me and to us.

I can't believe he choose them, these people who never gave anything to him - not even love and care -, instead of me (I loved him truly and dearly, with all my heart!).

I have never wanted him to "break up" with his parents, why should I, but I didn't want to live near them...in their same city...but now he wants to live near them,...and he was planning to bring his mother to our home one day,,,what a nightmare.

Everyone near me, that knows all the story and all the evil things said and made by those two, are saying to me that I'm so lucky that I've lost him now and not after a marriage or after having babies...

I'm thinking the same too when I'm clear headed and rational...but I still love him and I can't believe he has changed his behaviour, his mind, his heart and his brain in that way. He looked like a free spirit in the past but...the unhealthy boundaries came forward and destroyed everything.

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Dear Brokenflower,  I'm so sorry to read your sad story, and especially that you still love this Turkish guy even after breaking up with him. You probably realize by now his parents have a strong emotional hold on him and have manipulated his emotions to their own end.

 

Unfortunately in some Turkish families the parental bond is very strong -- the man feels his first loyalty to his parents, even if there is otherwise no love lost between them.  By marrying him you would be marrying his whole family, but you would have been delegated to a lower position,  even worse if living in the same household.  Evidently they don't approve of foreign wives also...... but not all Turkish parents are like this, believe me.

 

I feel these parents are very selfish, because they are concerned only with their own happiness & welfare, not even considering if their son will be happy.  They will likely not be happy with any girl for their son, even if they were to choose her themselves. They have convinced their son (by giving him extra attention than usual) that you are no good for him, and he should forget you.  As he seems to have been deprived of sufficient affection and attention from them previously, and now they are giving it in an attempt to "win him back", he must be eager to please them........ but not wanting to lose you.

 

It's quite understandable that you have let him go under these conditions, but if he still wants you, he must learn to make his parents respect certain boundaries, or....... eventually choose between them and you -- if he can.  I feel nothing will change otherwise.

 

I hope you will have the strength to see this through -- one way or another.  Good luck to you ! :)

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Thank you so much for your answer, Meral. Unfortunately it's over for him, he made his choice and it's his parents and his city. I've lost my "war"...you can't win against this kind of turkish parents.

I have to say that I see a lot of women who are moving to Turkey...and apparently their love stories can exist just because they decide to leave everything behind them and please their partner.

I'd like to say there are also men who leave their country for their lovers and wives but, I'm sorry, I don't see any. I just see women who fight for their love...and men who don't wanna lose anything.

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It was so sad to read your post brokenflower. However it is our moments of sadness in which we grow most. I am sure you will eventually come away from this experience as a better person although right now it may not feel that way. Love with a Turk can be very bittersweet especially when someone you once knew as a free spirited soul becomes so conventional. 

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  • 3 months later...

I am married to a Turkish Woman and the hardest thing I find is a difference in culture re family, IE they seem to think that they can descend on you at will< i am a very private person and because of the language barrier I feel out of it when they all get together in my home. I just take myself off to  my den and go on the internet or watch a film BUT I feel pushed out and isolated.  I like my wifes family they are lovely but I don't want them staying over night too often, the youngest daughter is the worst she has problems with her own relationship and seems to want to just descend on us  with her little girl to eat sleep stay up till 3am on the internet. I don't like getting involved with anybodys relationship they need to sort it out themselves. I told my wife I was not happy about them staying and all hell broke loose, I was like a social leper, none of her family talk to me they have disowned me so to speak...but if that what it takes to have my own space back so be it. I love my Wife and enjoy being with her but I refuse to be bombarded or pushed out or taken advantage of. My wife is speaking to me but it will take some time I think before we will be back as we were before. I just couldn't get her to understand that I NEED my own space and I NEED to feel comfortable in my own home. Anybody else have this problem????  


Try this one Sunny:)

 

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Still doesn't show ??

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Hi Tony, sorry to hear of your family problems.  Yes, it's a culture thing -- when you marry,you don't just marry the person, you marry their whole family and that's why the family think they can treat your home as their own.  Not being able to speak the language doesn't help either, which is why you feel pushed out ..... even in your own home.  Turkish families generally do get involved in sorting out one another's personal problems, and I know many relatives will, as yours do, just front up without notice & stay as long as they like.

 

I think the best thing you can do is have a long talk with your wife to explain how you feel.  Once she fully understands that you should rightly be king in your own castle, she will hopefully smooth the way with her relatives.  I know my hubby (Turkish) always says guests in our house (including any relatives) should "know their place" and act like proper guests, ie. when in Rome .......  Every household has unwritten house rules & guests should not take liberties which disrupt their hosts (such as staying up late on internet).  Perhaps you & your wife should discuss these & decide how much you should tolerate from guests.

 

Good luck to you ! :)

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Tony07 everybody else has had this problem. Well done though, Kudos winner_first_h4h%5B1%5D.gif now you won't have this problem anymore. Don't worry they can't ignore you forever it will blow over, I've been in your shoes a few times. Like the time I declared no smoking in my house. Turkish relatives are like spoilt kids sometimes. Stand your ground, men are supposed to be head of the home in Turkey!  .... unless the wife is a yabancigirl  worshippy%5B1%5D.gif

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Hi Tony, sorry to hear of your family problems.  Yes, it's a culture thing -- when you marry,you don't just marry the person, you marry their whole family and that's why the family think they can treat your home as their own.  Not being able to speak the language doesn't help either, which is why you feel pushed out ..... even in your own home.  Turkish families generally do get involved in sorting out one another's personal problems, and I know many relatives will, as yours do, just front up without notice & stay as long as they like.

 

I think the best thing you can do is have a long talk with your wife to explain how you feel.  Once she fully understands that you should rightly be king in your own castle, she will hopefully smooth the way with her relatives.  I know my hubby (Turkish) always says guests in our house (including any relatives) should "know their place" and act like proper guests, ie. when in Rome .......  Every household has unwritten house rules & guests should not take liberties which disrupt their hosts (such as staying up late on internet).  Perhaps you & your wife should discuss these & decide how much you should tolerate from guests.

 

Good luck to you ! smile.png

Thanks for that, I will stick to my guns on this I will NOT be made to feel as if I am a pushover in my own home, If they don't want to speak or bother with me I really don't mind if thats what it takes to have my home back its cheap at half the price. They will need me before I need them so to speak, I am easy going but when I dig in thats it, so it will be interesting times to come but I will not back down. The language is a hard thing and the meanings of words are lost sometimes in translation. My wife thought I  said / meant that I didn't want her because she had a family, I said thats what I meant, I just meant I won't have anybody camping in our home they are welcome to come in the day but not to stop overnight, and I don't want to get involved in any marital problems, their life their choice, nobody just descends on my home anymore, full stop. I just hope she can understand this. Inshalla.

Tony07 everybody else has had this problem. Well done though, Kudos winner_first_h4h%5B1%5D.gif now you won't have this problem anymore. Don't worry they can't ignore you forever it will blow over, I've been in your shoes a few times. Like the time I declared no smoking in my house. Turkish relatives are like spoilt kids sometimes. Stand your ground, men are supposed to be head of the home in Turkey!  .... unless the wife is a yabancigirl  worshippy%5B1%5D.gif

 

Many thanks for your reply, it make me think I am not this horrible ogre they think I am,  they can sulk all they like I will not give in. kicking%5B1%5D.gif

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I am trying to get my wife to understand that my/our home is my castle a safe haven from trouble and strife if I don't make a stand I will be walked over and I am not having that, I don't want to interfere in anybody's life and take a dim view  of anybody invading my space. It seems to be kinda working but her family are not talking to me, I can live with that, its a small price to pay for my privacy. I just wish it didn't have had to come to this. As long as me and my wife are OK thats all I really care about, selfish ? Perhaps but I need the quiet.

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I find Turkish relatives can be like spoilt kids with zero understanding and how they feel so entitled is beyond me. It's like teenage behaviour, they don't get what they want so they pout and stop talking to you over minor things. I always though foreign wives had to put up with stuff like this and not the foreign husbands.

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