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Ken Grubb

What Makes A Marriage To A Turk Work?

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I find Turkish relatives can be like spoilt kids with zero understanding and how they feel so entitled is beyond me. It's like teenage behaviour, they don't get what they want so they pout and stop talking to you over minor things. I always though foreign wives had to put up with stuff like this and not the foreign husbands.

 

Well they have the hump with me alright, but as long as they don't try to interfere  in my life and cause a row between me and my wife  its a cheap price to pay. Sad because I just like to get along help if I can (which I have) and just be given myspace, don't try to invade my space and your ok so to speak. I tried dropping hints but no joy so I just came out with it....enough. I think I am off the birthday/christmas card list now eek%5B1%5D.gif  

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My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me in 2 days, the reason his family wouldn't accept me. He was much younger to me but the time I was in the relationship I asked him, on several occasion, will your family accept me, will they be OK that I'm Indian and catholic. His answer 'it will be difficult but they are very open minded and not very fused on religion'

 

Even though I'm Indian, I have lived in Dubai for almost 15 years and am more westernized. I had agreed to convert just to be with him and for his family to be happy. I paid for most of his expense when he was jobless, rejected a proposal, left my house and stayed with my sister (he wanted 2 months to make arrangement to move in with me), kept my dog in a day care center (my sis is married and have a new born so I had to make arrangement) and supported him through out the relationship. Finally he gets a job and he decides to tell his parents about me. I was so happy, he finally decided to fight for me after all I did for him. I knew it would not be easy but after 2 days or arguing with his parents, he sends me a break up through whatsapp, reason he loves his family more. His family and extended family verbally abused him, told him that they will disown him and the best part I'm manipulating him, because I'm older. At least, I had the guts to introduce him to my family and friends and fight for him. since when is a 25 years old man a kid. What ind of family is this!

 

He is a 25 years old man, how can the family decide his future. Im very upset with him as well for not standing up for me but after reading the comments above which i should have done long back, I'm glad i didn't get married to him.

 

I'm happy for the ones who made it through but to be honest I would never suggest anyone to marry a Turkish Man. They have no say for themselves. It would better to be with someone who can protect and defend you. 

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Things have quietened down a bit now regarding the family thing, they all know I need my space now so the intrusions are few, the eldest daughter is marrying so she will move out of the area but the youngest daughter is having marital problems but there is NO WAY I will let her move in with us. I still feel like an outsider when they all get together so I take myself off and look at the internet or read. I have told my wife that I need peace and quiet, I have just had a bypass operation and I don't need any stress, her little granddaughter is a real pain on times and is hypoactive and just doesn't listen so I have told my wife I don't want her visiting only now and again. I have told my wife is she wants to see her family I don't mind her visiting them in their OWN homes. WE still argue a lot that's because we are both strong minded I think, my wife was on her own for some 14 years before we met so she is used to being the boss needless to say so am I, we clash a lot I just hope things work out otherwise I can foresee a parting of the ways.  WE have only been married for 2 years, life's too short for aggravation and unhappiness.  

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Honestly that's a very broad and open question with many answers, but what you must understand is that there are many things that come into play to making any marriage. Regardless or his culture. In my case it worked out because both our cultures are similar. Yes I'm American but I have Hispanic heritage. So I understood that once I marry him I also marry the family. Most people don't get this concept, in many ways you do. Marriage is about unifying a family and making it bigger. Marriage is about compromise and hard work, if you are truly committed to spending the rest of your life with this person nothing or no one shall break your bond. Me and my man we have a lot in common and we bring to the relationship what the other lacks. He's strong, assertive and a risk taker. I'm more shy, keep to myself. I love him, I truly love his family. I love his culture. Everything about it. we both cook,clean, work and take care of each other. Yes we have disagreements but we both made a promise to each other that we would stay together till death due us apart. He's my best friend, lover, my man everything I ever wanted. So if you want to make it work you have to work for it. No good thing came easy

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Thank you for your contribution invulnerable. I think that families can put a great strain on relationships if you are not used to the closeness of Turkish families. Unfortunately, most of them don't seem to take into consideration that you might have different ways of doing things. One of the things that caused a lot of irritation in my marriage was the family turning up with little warning and not knowing how many were coming or how long they were going to stay and never contributing to expenses. I know this is normal for Turkish families but it wasn't normal for me, especially when I was expecting members of my own family who had months ago checked that it was convenient to come at that time.

My boyfriend's family also does this; always come without notice and expeting to sleep over, even for days. They contribute to expenses, though. I have gotten used to it and actually feel warmed by their warmth and thinking of us as a place to come. I never expect them to be any different, so there is little dissapointment although I know none of my family would ever do something like that. I just know it is different and that influences everything. I think it is more of a problem the other way, that I WANT to plan things, so I can look forward to them, while he takes the approach that life will fix things for us. Especially when things are a little grey, it helps me to have something to look forward to, but it seems to me that planning is somewhat against his/their nature. So I have learned to planned only the most neccesary things and the rest just go with the flow.

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Well for me 15 year marriage and we progressed as far as it will and we are leaving it as if not close friends but not close enough to meet for tea now and again.  As courageous as it was to enter into the marriage knowing it's not going to be an easy ride it is proving even more courageous to leave the marriage I just couldn't be Turkish enough for him and loving the social and close way they live was something I just didn't know how to be in.  A million other things but now another lady raising two children on her own whilst he works on a retirement plan to get back to Turkey with money and no respond ability.  A house and a very good business.  Whilst I work and raise two children.  So a realistic no matter who you choose to marry don't forget to nurture yoursel as well as your family.  Make sure equality is natural and not fought for.  Life is a journey no matter where they are from.  However a higher percentage see an opportunity and spoil it for the few that are true. 

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Hello there,

I need some advice as it seems to a few international marriages have spoken in this forum.

I have been with my boyfriend (whom is Kurdish/Turkish citizen) for 11 months but we have been friendly for 5 years now. I recently return from Turkey where I was teaching and we lived together whilst he was still studying.

At the time of the failed coup him and my family freaked out so we both decided it would be best for me to return to the UK. Some days I wish I had stayed as I was happy in my job and learning the new culture. Anyway, I am also happy now and embarking on a new journey in England and planning to return to Turkey for a break to see friends and family soon.

My boyfriend and I are now back to living apart which is really frustrating and painful at times. We really want him to move and live with me here in the UK but at this time he is only a student, his family can't support him financially -even to get a visitor visa (its something he is still working on as he would love to visit) 

He has worked in America twice as well as doing erasmus in Poland and traveling other places in Europe so considering he has always struggled he gets there in the end. I admire this about him he is so determined and mentally strong as well as keeping as both positively patient (I am a very impatient person!)

We often talk about marriage or fiancé visa as at least it's a way of us being together. We take time to discuss options. Of course when we are actually ready to marry out of choice and if we ever marry not just for paper work then we will in the future.

Does anyone know at this time how the fiancé visa or marriage could work or if it would? 

I guess I am just fed up for traveling back and forth and we both share the same dreams. We have many obstacles that we have already overcome and we always managed to get through it. I feel lucky to have met someone so connected with me and he feels the same.

We both even think sometimes that we may not be able to be together in the UK as that would be too easy and I guess we can't have everything- that's the answer we share when we feel like it seems impossible for us.

Anyway,  many of my friends seem to be settled and happy in their international families in the UK but this was 8 or so years ago when things were a lot easier and I have a feeling these people had money.

I am currently hating the system our world is in and the amount of money someone needs to reside in the UK is bloody Ludacris. 

Can anyone give me any advice? I would really appreciate it.

Regards,

T x 

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Does anyone know at this time how the fiancé visa or marriage could work or if it would? 

You might have a look at the UK Visas forum, I'm sure we've had others seeking a visa for a Turkish friend there. You could also ask your question there, or go to one of the UK government websites to learn how they work.

I wish you the best in finding a solution.

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1 - Hiya Ken!  I cannot remember the last time I was on the forums. I'll have to send you a PM with all the happening over the last few years lol.

2 - I didn't read through the 10 pages of stuff previous.  I don't even remember if I posted something way back when.  Anyway, I've been married to my wonderful Turkish wife since 2008...but we've dated since ~2006, so almost 10 years give or take.

Now, I'm a Catholic (although not devout), & my wife & her family are Muslim.  My wife's family is ok with that.  I am ok with that.  They are ok with that!  They are open to other cultures which is great.  I think it all depends on your relationship & the balance between the both of you.  My wife knows what buttons to push & I know what sets her off on a tantrum as well...so its finding that middle ground.  Thankfully, my wife is Westernized (& not of my influence), but still socially/culturally conscious of who she is & where she's from.  Now we have a kid & he's the apple of their eye.  Again its all about "BALANCE".

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Well, Umit and I have been married for almost 45 years. I don't know that I have answers as to what makes things work, but I do have some suggestions. It is important for both to be familiar with one another's culture and language. We lived in Ankara for five years and have visited for years after we returned to the US (because of all of the turmoil and unrest in the university system in Turkish in the late 70's). Our daughter was born in Turkey and our son in the US. I speak Turkish and he speaks English. Language is really very important because it is a window into the cutlure.  We have tried to be open to both cultures as much as possible. Facility in the partner's language can ease misunderstandings. It doesn't always happen. I have seen plenty of families who placed completely unreasonable expectations on the foreign bride or husband. But many times the problems stem from cultural misunderstandings and from a failure to recognize that the tradition or whatever is rooted in something very positive. I think much can be achieved by expecting the best from people. My rule is when something doesn't make sense, I ask to find out what is going on instead of leaping to my own conclusions. Many times that has saved a situation. 

Making an effort to understand not just the culture but the why of the culture is important. We are currently teaching a friend (male) who is marrying a Turkish woman in June. We are teaching him basic Turkish and I'm writing a short guide for him, outlining some basic cultural ideas that he may find different and trying to explain the why of those ideas. The emphasis on hospitality and the group orientation, the importance of family and extended family and protecting that is the basis for many cultural practices in Turkey. When the booklet is done, I'll let this site know. It will be an E-book. 

We have close Turkish friends here in the US and get together with them on a regular basis. They are truly a second family to us. I love Turkish food and cook it frequently but not all the time. I do think that many marriages fail, whether inter-cultural or not, due to unrealistic expectations. Families have different cultures too, even if the spouses come from the same country. Respecting one another's family is important. No one says that you have to like each other, but it is important to be respectful of one another. In my opinion the biggest impediment is that spouses often make assumptions about one another that are entirely ungrounded. That is a problem regardless of whether or not different cultures are involved. It is more often an issue with different cultures, but can be alleviated by checking things out and asking questions before arriving at judgments. 

 

 

 

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Turkish women are great but you must know the Hanife  Islamic religion along with their normal customs.    If they're from eastern Turkey (Mainly the Kurdish woman) they are going to want "Baslik" parasi (Dowry or "Start up" money).   Most Turkish families don't required this.   A lot of times the Turkish families will get the furniture for you a long with a heap of other stuff like linens/blankets, etc.   So if you're a guy you are going be called a "Eniste" and a "Damat"   (Brother-In-Law and groom.   If you're called a "Milli Damat" that means you're the best one !    Your Turkish wife will be called the "Galen Kiz" which I think means the bride.   Feel free to correct me anyone...  Just before the wedding you'll have a few get-togethers:   The first one is where a "Falci" shows up and she reads your fortune/future...What she does is have your future wife make Turkish coffee then the Falci turns the cup upside down after you drink the coffee and then by studying the outlay of the coffee residue she can read your future.   Another get-together is called Niki Kurna which I think means the engagement partisi (party).   I would also learn a lot of Turkish and Kurdish (Turkce and Kurmanci).   Insallah Turkce ogreniceksiniz.   In fact, forget about the Kurdish unless she's Kurdish (Kurmanciyi Bos ver....ne var yani....fark et mez (Who cares / so what /  what does it matter..  Her neyse, (Whatever,).   As you can see I'm practicing my Turkish.

If you're really serious about this Turkish girl please get follow-up with this thread and can help you out tremendously !   P.S.   I lived in Turkey for 10 years:   5 in Adana and 5 in Izmir.   I also stayed at least 7 days in:  Siirt Mus, Adiyman, Erzurum, Bitlis, Antalya, Taskale (Near Karaman) Anamur, Antakya (Iskenduren), Kusadasi, Eski Foca/Yeni Foca, Bornova, Cesme, Urla, Gumuldur, Karatas, Tarsus, Mersin, Kizkalisi, Tasucu, Silifke, Sinope, Trabzon, and the Pozanti mountains.   Note:   The best part of Turkey is between Mersin and Antalya down south...Everywhere is beautiful in Turkey but this part of Turkey is my favorite.  Later dude!   Monte/Metin. 

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