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Oncebitten

Multi cultural marriage-Some advice would be great

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Hi, I'm new to the site. I just joined today. I'm hoping someone can give me their thoughts on the subject and possibly share their own experiences on it. 

So i am married to a kurdish man and we are living in Turkey. (3 years living here and 7 years together) we also have a 4 year old daughter. 

The problem I am having is the constant arguing between us. It never stops. If I say something that he does not agree with, I get called stupid, a b*tch, bad heart and many worse things. I'm not allowed to talk to anyone outside otherwise I'm "not normal". Even if I'm in the park with my daughter and I speak to another Turkish mum there, he hates it. I have one friend here who is from Europe, sometimes we try to get our kids together to play and for fresh air. My husband hates this and says it's also not normal to have friends. He wants me to stay inside all the time and clean constantly. I'm not allowed to wear make up or wear my hair down. Even though I don't wear make up often, I'm not "allowed" to do this. I'm often told what to wear even though my clothes are respectful and don't show skin. It doesn't matter. 

I understand I'm living in Turkey so I should respect Turkish culture which I really do, but surely when marrying into a multi cultural couple there should be some give and take. 

I try my best to do what is asked of me but it never seems to be enough. I offered him to get divorced if he's unhappy like this but he attacks me verbally then telling me I'm sick in the head and that 8 need help. 

There is no affection there. We sleep in seperate rooms. We don't even sit close to each other on the sofa. We barely talk. 

If my parents video call me, he gets angry and doesn't like it. Normally they call to see their grand daughter which should be normal. 

The thing about it is, when we first met it wasn't like this. Then suddenly when we got married and had a child, it all started to become controlling. Like I said I respect our marriage and Turkish culture but sometimes I think this is a little unfair? I'm not allowed to speak to my neighbours even though they're friendly and ask me for coffee. (their house is literally next to mine so it's not unsafe or far away). 

 

I'm just lost and don't know what to do anymore. I feel like he expects the world from me but then no matter what I do it's not enough. Is this normal? Am I being too sensitive? Is it my fault that it's like this? I'm considering just going back home with my daughter then sorting out visiting arrangements so he can see her as often as possible. I'm just not sure how it can keep going like this for the rest of our lives.. 

 

Also please be kind with your replies. I can't take anymore abuse lol

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Hi Oncebitten and welcome to Turkey Central. I hate hearing stories like this. No this is not how your husband should be treating you, it is controlling in the extreme and abusive too. Yes there are quite a number of Turkish men who behave like this and there is a strong movement in turkey to stop it but in the home where nothing is seen by outsiders a lot of it seems to be going on. I think your best bet is to follow your heart, get yourself and your daughter out of here and go back home.

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Thank you for your reply. Sometimes it's hard to know if I'm over reacting as I've been called names so many times that I start to doubt myself telling myself Its my fault and that I should respect the culture more. (i do anyway) I'm a shy person in general but even when I go outside I'm scared and comfortable to even make eye contact with anyone incase he gets angry or annoyed. I have flights booked for march as I'd planned to visit home then for a few weeks but I'm possibly going to use this as my escape route. 

 

Thanks again

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Hello Oncebitten, welcome!  Your post really saddened me.  As Cukurbagli says, it's not supposed to be like this, but unfortunately some Turkish & Kurdish men can be extreme in this type of behaviour, & you do not deserve this. No matter what you do he can't or won't change that behaviour because to him it is quite normal. I'm surprised he is letting you go to visit your family!  Yes, you would do well to escape him in this way, but please do take very good care that you don't give him cause to suspect your plans beforehand..... I wish you the very best of success! :) 

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