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Ral2Robert

relationship with older Turkish woman

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Hi

I am new to this column, but the reason I am here is because I need some perspective on my Turkish woman/girlfriend and how we can come to an agreement about our relationship, and where it is going.

Background: Met her 3 years ago online. Since then, have come to meet many Turkish friends, all with stellar opinions of her. Came from higher society, etc but paid for it with extremely abusive husband. Suffered for 2 sons/30 years,  and once they were ensconced in US, she left husband with the clothes on her back and a 1 way ticket to US when she was 55.  She wanted nothing from him.She rebuffed all suitors for 10 years until me. I am now 65, she is 67. Not a big money guy, just average, etc. have dated her exclusively (why not? She is unbelievable!).  Too many superlatives to list for her here, seriously.

We have met each other's offspring here, etc, so no hiding of anything. She was outstanding in taking care of me with 2 hip replacements, and I mean unfailing in her efforts a year ago. After 2 failed marriages, she is "the one" for me (feelings are mutual, also) I have told her I want to grow old together, be together, and she wants this too.....

But here's the rub: I have been advised by close friends, my financial advisers, and lawyers that I have dealt with to NOT get married at this stage of my life. I have a personal trust set up, etc and 2 children to whom I will pass on financial security to. She knows this, and she knows that I (if I died), there would be provisions for her to live in the house until she could not/did not want to, and some money for her. But...the voices of reason says don't get married and open a potential can of worms. Living together is fine, but I would expose my heirs to all sorts of potential legal battles, etc if it hits the fan down the road with us if we were married....one never knows. And at this point in life do I need this sword over my head?

Why is it so difficult for her to understand and be comfortable with the idea of living together until "death do us part"? She was an abused wife in the day, but I have treated her so well, and we have had all our feelings for each other out on the table. I understand the concept of a "cheap woman" just living with someone, but to me it is irrelevant, because we clearly want to be together, but culturally, she doesn't want to budge. It is simply not logical for me to really marry anyone at this point, as I am on my "glide slope" to the End and as I have seen, a marriage certificate guarantees nothing.  I have been unfailingly open and honest with her about everything, but it seems not to matter at the bottom line. She is a very secular Muslim, so many of the usual attitudes that people think of really don't factor in here. She has been back to Turkey recently, and the "aunties"  have their opinions, and one said it is more important to be happy, etc, as said one of her favorite cousins. So, there is some acceptance for the relationship as it is. If we get through this rough patch, I will meet the older ones next year in Turkey. Love the country and people, can't wait to go.

I need suggestions for success here, if any. I am at a loss for what to do.

 

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Have you thought about the possibility of a prenuptial agreement? An option would be to gift your children some money whilst you are still alive, in lieu of inheritance, and then get married.

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As a young man married to a Turkish woman (11 years!)...I will tell you its all about culture.  In Turkey it is "not normal" if a woman and a man just live together.  No matter how old, it's frowned upon lol. 

The solution to this is to get a prenup (as Ibra stated above)...your lawyers can walk you through that.  You can still have your trust for your kids, but you can also have something set up for you significant other if you so choose.  This is what wills & prenups are for.  If its love, go for it man!!

 

Good luck!!!

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