Niels Hoevenaars

Dutch guy dating a Turkish girl

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Hello, first off all. I legit found this website a minute ago. And i think this is the best play to ask for questions/help.

 

So lets start off with that i am a 26 year old male, living in the Netherlands. I've been living here my whole life, and i'm not super religious, all though i guess i believe there is a God, but i am not one who prays, goes to church and what not. I've never dated a foreign person before, so i am totally dipping my feet in unknown waters here. I was on a dating site, and just swiping around a little bit for people to talk to and make new friends. So there was this Turkish girl that i thought was cute and we matched. I didn't really plan anything on to date her but mostly just making new friends. But one thing led to another, and we've began kinda flirting and we've hit it off pretty good. She doesn't live in The Netherlands though, but she lives in Turkey. So we've been talking English all this time. (Which isn't an issue or anything between us)

We had a good thing going, and decided that we could meet. So i flew to Turkey, and was with her for a week and everything was great and fun.

I didn't really mind, but i was kinda ''botherd'' about her mom not knowing about me. Because i knew her mom was special for her, and the other way around since she is only child of the mother. So it was important for me to be accepted by her mother. (She knew about my exictence, but didn't know we met, and were in an relationship)

I knew she didn't want to tell her mom just yet, and i was fine with it. But the mom know about me, because we've been skyping a lot. So she knew how i looked like, and she asked me a ton of questions too, to get to know me. So that was something i thought was nice.

But some things happend there, and my girlfriend pretty much ''confessed' about us meeting. She wasn't really mad or anything lucky. And she pretty much has been accepting me. So i am on the good side at her mom.

 

We've talked about meeting more. But apperently she isn't able to visit me in The Netherlands because of her other family. I am still kinda confused, but i guess thats culture diffrence.

I would really like her to meet my own family aswell before we get engaged. Because i think my family would think it would be weird, for me to be engaged to some one that they havent met at all, or even spoken to.

 

So my question kinda is, has anyone has any experience with this? And how do i proceed? I woulnt mind it either if she coulnt visit me, but i'd preffer if she could. But since her family would be very against it i don't think it'll be possible. So maybe you guys have some tips, trick and/or explanations for me to fully understand the culture of Turkey.

 

 

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This sounds pretty normal to me. Her family would naturally be quite concerned about her visiting you. In a Turkish family, the family members are very involved with each other.  Much more so than a typical European family, or in my case, an American family.

How to proceed? I think you are going to have to adapt to the Turkish rules about such things. Turks occupy a wide spectrum between very traditional and religious, to very "European" and secular. From the mother's reaction, it sounds like her family is actually more towards the "European" side of the spectrum. But religion and tradition is still there, and it isn't going to go away... I think it is you who will need to be flexible on this. After you are engaged, the family rules will relax, after you are married, they still might not disappear completely. I have known a few Americans who have married Turkish women, and the family involvement in things was a real pain for them, something they weren't used to. Then again, I have known Americans who have married Turkish women and the family was no problem at all.

It is so hard to give advice in such situations, since everybody involved is different, and it's impossible to really know all of the dynamics involved.

IbrahamAbi makes a good suggestion... if things do get serious, and you want your family to meet her before you are engaged, your family coming to Turkey to meet her and the family might be the only option.

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I think you have a good point Ken. My girlfriend isn't that religious either, and her mom is totally cool with me, and even us spending time together in hotel etc.

And i thought about it too, and i think you are correct about me having to adapt to the Turkish rules. And gotta get through it. It is not a very big deal, but i just wanted some advice, or/or tips. So thank you for that. :)

I don't really think my family would like to fly over just for that though, but maybe i will try that some time. :)

 

Thank you for your advice!

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