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In love with a turkish guy! Let it go or work for it?

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I'm a girl from west European country, and I'm now 26 years old. I never had a bf, I'm also virgin. Not because guys doesn't like me, just because I did never love somebody that much i could have sex with them. I start travelling, and Turkey was one of my destinations. I was not there for looking after love, just a long stay. But, I met this guy. He is 2 years older than me. He took contact after we've been hanging out with common friends. I start felt something for him after few weeks. This is now a bit over 1 years ago, but I still feel something. I left Turkey, but he still continued to write me. Not like every week. Because he was asking many times to go out with me, I was cold. But I regret that. The reason why I was cold, is beacause I have a bit bad experience with go out with people I dont know well, alone. (Even when this actually happenede with girls). 

I will try to not make this post to long, so please ask if any question. 

I told some freinds and family members from my country that I've met him, and I felt something more. Some of them did not say anything sbout it, but mostly all of them was reacting negative. They said things like;"I bet he is flirthing with everybody""he only wants a passport to our country""dont be togheter with a man from countries like that""he is gonna brainwash you!"...I dont have bad feelings about him. And I did not meet him in the tourist places, so this has nothing to do with tourism zone. 

He continued the contact, like asking how it is going, when I will come back, and so on. I was so afraid that he was just playing, that I akted cold and uninterested, but I answered friendly. I went back there last summer, and he knew. Again he asked for meeting, but I didn't answer him this. We were just texting over social media.  He then stopped writing for a while. I took contact, but I was so nervous, and asked him how it is going. Well...the day before I left. But he kept the contact still, but It was hard to continue the conversations, because it was only like this;"how are you""how was your day"....but I was just super happy to hear from him. Actually it felt like I had a boyfriend, but I need to keep realistic and know that we are only chatting. I was wondering if he did thid because he was thinking of me the same way. Why else should he keep the contact?

Then...I came back here without telling him. He found out because of a picture in social media. He sent me message and was asking if I'm back. I wa like "yes". After few days he asked "how are u""what are you doing" . I was asking him back because I wanted to be accomodating for one time.. but suddenly a misunderstanding occured. Hes english is good compared to a lot of turkish people, but not wery good. He expresses himself wrong. He made me think that he wanted to meet me, and I answered "maybe after I've been with my friend tomorrow". What he actually ment to say was "I was asking you many times to go out, bit you did not want!" He just wrote back "maybe the next time" . I understand him. I've been really cold, and I dont want to represent myself as one who thinks he can make up my command. I really want to meet him. But I'm afraid it's to late, and if he wants to meet me, maybe he just want to be friends.....and I still like him.

Also I don't know if I see any furthure with him. He is religious. Not in a bad way... but I'm afraid for this view of woman. I hear this rumours about turkish men...that they expect you to marry them, raise their kids and stay at the kitchen? That they change when you marry them?! I also know a bit about his family, but of course I did never meet them. 

Im just afraid that I let beautful things go, just because I listened to my friends negativity. Some friends is also positive. But maybe I dont fall in love again? I was alteady in love with som guys frok my country, but we did never become togheter. I really love Turkey. I know some situations is not good, but still. I feel so home, more home than every places i've been to so far.

Anybody here can help me? Sorry for the long post, and if anything is unclear, just ask :) 

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Follow your heart, If it feels right then it is right for you. Don't do it until you are ready. I don't think he is playing with you because he is being so persistent. I think that his conversations sound like chatting because his English is limited. Body language speaks volumes and is international, when you are together you will know you will feel it.

  Don't worry about the stereotype, Turkey is more progressive than you think, believe it or not most women rule the house here so don't think of it as a ball and chain. On the other hand TUrkey can be culturally different, the best thing to do is ask him about his expectations. Perhaps you can be honest and tell him that you will not be chained to the kitchen. Spend time with him, face to face. but since I don't know which European country you are from I can't advise much further.

I wish you all my best

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Thank you wery much. I don't know if I will be ready. Im so afraid of reactions, specialy after my cold acting. But this is so sad. It disturbs my days, and my summer was so hard because I was thinking about him, looking on instagram and texting him sometimes. Im afraid he is mad at me....

We randomly met 2 weeks ago. We hugged...first I just took my one arm carefully around him. But then I came with other one to, just had to feel him closer. He did e same to me, and we was holding maybe 2-3 seconds. Then se went further...

I'm thinking I will never be ready :( and he will maybe find somebody else... what I wil never feel this again? Be in love with hin forever! It's gonna be hard. 

Some people are just saying"U will always find someone new". So...maybe better to wait for someone else? That will be easier to make relationship with? He will need to learn language, visa (and thats not easy).. life is not easy

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Perhaps you can go to school and learn Turkish, After all it will come in handy when you go to TUrkey again. I'm sure you plan to visit again weather with or without him. If you think you have been cold then fix it. warm up to him. ad tell him in plain language that you are interested in him and want to persue a relationship. Explain to him why you been cold, and tell him not to read into it. Perhaps you can spend time with him in his country and see where it goes.

    DOn't worry about love if it doesn't work out and though you don't believe me because you are in love but it will come again. Trust me I'm old and have seen these things. Love always comes when you aren't looking for it.

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Thanks to you. It's really boring to not write him. Something is just keeps me back, don't know if it's just anxiety or something working against us (like a fate). Not shure if I believe in those things. 

It just feels wrong what I did to him. Now, I can see that he wasn't planning to do bad things to me. He wanted to know me! But I was thinking negative about him, and acted wery cold, uninterested and unfriendly :( but I really don't love myself enough to be a good girlfriend. 

now, I feel its to late. Even its 3 weeks ago I heard from him. Then this misunderstanding occured. Maybe its just up to me. Vut maybe he will think I'm weird...if I write :crying:maybe its just not worth it! But Ive been thinking about him for over 1 year! Its like, waste time or just enjoy the good feeling? And maje a life togheter will not be easy. Because he is from Turkey. I am in Turkey now, I will leave early april... 

So I can still meet him. Maybe I dont do this beacause I basicilly know we will not be a good match?! Bit all this time wasted thinking about him......but I still learned something. And Im about learning turkish. Because its always good to know languages, but also...in case we will be togheter. 

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just try and see what happens, you have nothing to lose. Besides if you don't you will regret it later.

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Thanks for your answers. Ihave to send him a messange this evening, finally. The issue is that I can't see sny furthure with him, maybe a furthure, but not a easy and good one, because of the surroundings. I have been meeting him randomly a few times now, and its not easy to talk to eachother. I dont dare go up to him when o see him, togheter with his friends. And he does not to me. When we was close and met eachothers eyes, we just say "hi, how are u". 

1 week ago i posted a story on insta when i was on a restaurant with friends. He answered and asked if i went to party. I answered i was put woth my friends and asked how he is. He answered and asked me. I was good also, and he just press the thumb up button. Some friends thôught i should have asked him more questions... and think that i killed the chat. 

So...its up to me, isnt it..

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Hi ! You can always start a conversation :) asking him about his hobbies or something he really love to do. It will make him think that you are into him. Keep the conversation going. As I read your posts I feel that  he really likes you . Because he won’t be sending you messages if he’s not interested. Don’t overthink. If it feels right then it might be it :) 

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Thank you. The strange thing is, I don't want him to think that I'm into him. I just want to keep the contact, that's the first thing. I already had a lot of changes to meet him. And I enjoyed the attention to much. I liked that he wrote me, but I start feeling something. And actually, I'm a bit to jalous to have a bf like this. He knows a lot of girls. Not like a player/lover with them, but female friends and I'm always afraid that one of them also might be in love with him. 

I just want to show that I want to reciprocate the contact/friendship. 

I also feel so unnormal....I've been thinking about him for almost 2 years. How it is possible? I can't be in love, really....I think this is just a strong attraction. Another problem is that he is religious. He's mom will always come first, and sister. He is praying sometimes as well. This makes my family think this is very bad and I have to move on. And I try, but.....I think of him. The praying doesn't make me think that he needs to be a bad person.

He wrote men about 1 week ago...just like "whats up". Maybe I will just do the same. But do you think a "whats up" message will make hik think that I'm trying to date with him? :

 

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OnlyMe - You have not told us which Western European country you are from ... is it Spain, Portugal or Andorra?

Why don't you stay in Turkey for a longer period of time?  That way you would be sure whether there is any future with this guy or not.  Take a course in the Turkish language to start with and find a nice place to live that you will enjoy.  Somewhere near this man perhaps?  You must not go to stay in Turkey just for him but for yourself and your pleasure.  I have visited 135 countries and truly believe Turkey to be the very best one... not just for the wonderful sunny climate but the people are warm and friendly, the fruit and vegetables are so very fresh and tasty, travelling around Turkey is very cheap and the costs of accommodation is cheaper than most other countries in the world.  Give it a go!  You are 26 years old and have your life before you... go and live it .... 

You can learn to speak Turkish on-line with one of these websites and some are free ...

(1) https://www.babbel.com/learn-turkish-online  - and - 

(2) https://www.busuu.com/en/p/turkish/?b_source=adwords&b_campaign=row_en_web_learn_turkish_bmm&b_group=row_en_web_learn_turkish_free_bmm&b_subnetwork=sn&b_term=%2Blearn %2Bturkish %2Bonline&b_placement=&utm_nooverride=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw4sLVBRAlEiwASblR-6ordqNijVX-ra-b1QpWDesPy_1geJQyOvpVTC7qEgEyF0IAAeEZJRoCoUIQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds  - and - (3) https://preply.com/en/skype/turkish-tutors?sort=no&CoB=ES&s=turkish&cf=1.00  - and -  (4) https://www.fluentin3months.com/turkish/

And why not contact some other Spanish people who now live in Turkey?  Look at these links ...(1) https://www.internations.org/turkey-expats/spanish  - and -

(2) http://www.expat.com/en/network/spanish/in/13044-istanbul/  - and - 

(3) http://www.expatexchange.com/ctryguide/4153/110/Turkey/Expat-Turkey-10-Tips-for-Living-in-Turkey

And to live in Turkey you will need to get Turkish Health Insurance and not from any other country, and a Residency Permit ... look here ...

(1) https://yellali.com/advice/category/102/health-insurance-for-foreigners-in-turkey  - and -

(2) https://yellali.com/advice/category/12/living-retiring-in-turkey  - and -

(3) https://yellali.com/advice/category/40/visas-permits-passports  - and - 

(4) https://yellali.com/advice/category/39/working-in-turkey  - and - 

(5) https://yellali.com/advice/category/31/renting-property-in-turkey

Good luck and God bless you, Angela in Side, Turkey x

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Thank you so wery much for this! I stay in Turkey for longer periods when I am here yes. I am from one of the scandinavian countries :) i dont know why im uncomfortable telling wich, but perhaps somebody will recognize me or something, i dont think so. I just want to be shure. 

Im in Tukrey for my 3rd time, and i really love it. I want to learn turkish but it so hard. I already started a bit. And i've being here 3 times alreasy without going out with him. Just met him randomly and its hard to talk. I dont know what to say, I dont know what he thinks. We say "hi, and how are you". When we are so close that we can not ignore eachother anymore. And always he is surrounded by friends, if not, I am. 

But he is religious... it cant be good ?? The childrens belongs to the father, right? 

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I really do not understand you!  Why are you so reluctant to tell us which country you are from?  What have you got to hide?  This is an Open Forum where we are honest with one another and you do not seem to be an honest person to me, not at all.  And why is it a problem for you that this guy is religious?  Surely that is a good thing not a bad thing?  It shows that he thinks deeply and has principles and knows right from wrong.  And why on earth do you think that any children he might have would belong to him only, the father?  Turkey is a progressive country and the parents always have an equal share of the children.  Surely you know that?  You have visited Turkey 3 times you said.  I have lived in Side, Turkey for 12 years but this was apparent to me after being here only about one month.

Why don't you ask him how he likes to spend his spare time?  What hobbies does he have?  What countries has he visited?  Which was his favourite one?  Does he have a girlfriend?  Yes, do ask these questions and it will help you understand this guy better.  Who in his family is he closest to?  Who does he travel with normally?  Who is his best friend and why?  How long has he known him/her?  These are all normal questions to try and get to know somebody, so try it out ... what have you got to lose?  x Angela x

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Ok, Norway

The problem that this guy is religious is that I maybe think they sre brainwashed. When I say to my friends I really like somebody and telling where he is from, they start ask a lot. "But is he religious or something?". "Omg, I would really awoid any religious guy" specially when its Islam. 

Older guys in family and husbands of my parents friends, "they will brainwash you""It may be fine, until you are getting kids togheter"(I dont know why the kids belongs to the father. Or why the rumours say so!)  but I hear it every time. 

If Islam is good...why do so many women need to hide behind the burqa?

I don't write this things because I'm rasistic or snything wrong. I'm just want to know whats the truth, and curious. Im happy I found this forum. 

The reason why I dont ask this guy is because he already asked me many times almost 2 years ago. I did always answer, but I acted hard to get, because I was afraid that if I said yes, he would think I was easy whore. I've already been writing how our contact has been. And now almost 2 weeks ago he wrote me, asking if I went to party after seing my story thst I was out with friends. 

Im now so afraid to take contact with him, I dont want to be rude. I amfraid to be strange. What if he thinks that I am strange because I write him, without suggest a meeting. He is writing me and I dont think he is strange. But Im just afraid that I will be :/ that he will get mad at me or something...

 

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Well, Miss Norway, you either go for it or you don't?  Your choice but if you don't contact this guy he will wonder why and that would be bad, wouldn't it?  The past is the past and what you did 2 years ago really does not matter at all today.  Send him a friendly email.  Nothing too serious.  Just ask how he is, what he is up to, if he is enjoying his life, what he does day-to-day and include what you do and what you like and do not like as well.  That would be ok for a start... why not?  With an email like that one, he will not think you are a bit strange, just a nice friendly girl who wants to hear from him... you do, don't you?  

Contact some other Norwegians, like yourself, but who are already living and working in Turkey.  Look at these links to help you to do that ... https://www.internations.org/turkey-expats/norwegians  - and - http://expatwomeninturkey.com/a-norwegian-expat-married-to-a-turkish-man-about-her-expat-life-in-alanya  - and -  http://www.expatexchange.com/ctryguide/4153/110/Turkey/Expat-Turkey-10-Tips-for-Living-in-Turkey  If you want to stay more than 90 days in Turkey you must get a Residency Permit and Turkish Health Insurance ... see here ... https://yellali.com/advice/category/40/visas-permits-passports  - and -  https://yellali.com/advice/category/102/health-insurance-for-foreigners-in-turkey  - and -  https://yellali.com/advice/category/38/moving-to-turkey  - and -  https://yellali.com/advice/category/39/working-in-turkey  - and renting accommodation in Turkey ... https://yellali.com/advice/question/399/rental-accommodation-in-turkey-turkish-to-english-rental-vocabulary  - and here are some properties you might like to rent in Side, Turkey (which is where I live now) ... https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/VacationRentals-g297968-Reviews-Side_Manavgat_Turkish_Mediterranean_Coast-Vacation_Rentals.html   You have not told us which town in Turkey this guy is in that you met?  x Angela x

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Thank you so much. I will check it out. 

I so badly want to send hin one message, but why do I feel so bad when I see that he is online so often during the evening.. I think maybe he is writing other girls just for fun. He was writing me so often during e evenings when we first met to. No, another one...is what I think. 

But this is just thoughts....  I know I'm to negative sometimes. 

I was about to send him now, but when he is already online, Im afraid I will be disturbing to him.

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Hi - I should ask you what his first name is - it may be that he is the same one that has been with me...this sounds awful, but your story and description sound familiar.  I've been through a very hard time, because of a Turkish man, and am now abandoned with no friends, family, support or any means, in Turkey.  I encourage you to be very careful - no offence to anyone, but there are cultural differences here that are huge.  Also as a Western woman, coming from Norway, there is (a lot of) potential for you to be a target (visa etc.).  Norway is also seen as a very rich country worldwide - I recommend dating someone from another (western) country/culture and avoiding men in Turkey.  If you can see him, remain friends, and not become serious, then you may be on safer ground.  I'm not the only one impacted - there are thousands of us.  If you ever want to know more, you can try to PM me for information (though I'm not really sure how that works on this forum : )

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Ok, the time is passing. I live my life, he lives he's life. Haven't heard from him since 2 months now. I also don't know when I'm going back to Turkey, but I will. 
It's just not easy for me to let the idea about us go away. It was me, that was not honest to my self about my feelings. I would act different if he was texting me today, but past is the past. I don't feel that it is ok to just contact him. If I do, I will just wonder "why does he write that" "why does he not write that...." and so goes on. I feel it will be disrespectful. 

Yesterday, I watched something on tv, a guy was marrying a muslim girl (not from Tyrkey). But Islam really keeps control of people! In one way I feel sorry for him, he is not free, but a slave of Islam. Of course I can't deceide it for him, I think he is a happy person. But for me, the way I may live with him, can be strange. Reading the Quaran, and all this stuff. I'm just wondering, maybe I am judging. What if he finds a girl, and they are happy togheter. If she is not a muslim, and I will think "that could be me". But again I think it will be a muslim girl, a turksih girl, cause I hear that west-country girls are not worth that much. Maybe I am wrong.

I just wish so badly to relive the time I met him the first time. It was a time, I opened a new chapter in my life. I did never plan to go to that place I met him, but my inner voice told me I had to. But I locked it also :( 

Yes, this is maybe kind of redicilous to some of you. That I'm still writing here, but I like writing my feelings. 

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You should PM me as I could help a lot on this topic - I’m despairing over a similar situation and for now all I can say is - at least based on your post - even if you were there with him in Turkey now, you STILL would not be able to relive the 1st moments when you were with him.

I’m sorry - perhaps it is not him, but the way you felt, or the overall experience that moved you, and if it was, you might be able to experience something similar with a new man in Turkey, but then you may well just have to suffer through all this again if and when things don’t work out satisfactorily.  

May I ask when you experienced those first moments, and where?  Istanbul, Marmara, or somewhere else?  You never know - we may know the same man.  

Seriously...but feel free to message me.  I hope you will be okay - it’s difficult I know.

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25 minutes ago, Vanish_Elf said:

You should PM me as I could help a lot on this topic - I’m despairing over a similar situation and for now all I can say is - at least based on your post - even if you were there with him in Turkey now, you STILL would not be able to relive the 1st moments when you were with him.

I’m sorry - perhaps it is not him, but the way you felt, or the overall experience that moved you, and if it was, you might be able to experience something similar with a new man in Turkey, but then you may well just have to suffer through all this again if and when things don’t work out satisfactorily.  

May I ask when you experienced those first moments, and where?  Istanbul, Marmara, or somewhere else?  You never know - we may know the same man.  

Seriously...but feel free to message me.  I hope you will be okay - it’s difficult I know.

Hello. We messaged togheter and you did not answer my last message. We found out, it is not the same man. 

My future boyfriend does really not need to be a turkish guy! The easiest would be a man who does not need a lot of paper and different religion. But, heart wants what the heart wants.

Check ur inbox, maybe U'll see my last message.

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And, I realize that I have been judging him. I had so much anxiety, bad self confidence and I saw just the hurdles/barriers with this "realationship". 
Here is what I though:
- He just wants sex, to play. Have me as fun, because it is what "norwegian girls are for". Turkish people don't tell me this, but other norwegians. 
- He would think I was a whorer if I went out with him. 
- At the end, he will dump me to find a turkish woman. 
- It is hard to move a turk to Norway.
- He only wants a norwegian passport. This happens, but most in the touristic areas. Norwegian girls marrying turkish guys, and then they differs when they dont need the woman anymore.
- We need to learn eachothers languages. actually I start learning turkish, but I got a bit demotivated. Why should I keep learning it if I don't have any reason go back there? 
I was lying to my self and my feelings. Only listening to other adjudicating people, that I though was right. I'm just a young inexperienced woman. 

And then, I believe a bit in the fate. We have the own will, but the fate may choose ways for us. I feel so strongly that he was one of them. I could have prooved that turks can be good. 

I THINK he gots a gf now. Because of something he was writing in soscial media, but Im not really shure, but she is not turkish. I don't want to send him any messange or ask about anything. He will think I am one of those redicilous girls that comes when he sees another girl... U understand? I would seem stupied. 

But I really lied to my self. I felt a pressure coming from inside, to take contact with him. It was so hard to resist. Last time I really heard from him was in march. But I was so short ini my answers.

I feel in many ways, this is the man in my life. And I felt it for so long. And, if we will not become, it has to be ok...because I acted the way I acted. 

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