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chelsea1991

What should I believe?

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Hello!

I am new to this and need some advice!

I met a Turkish guy who was working In the hotel I was staying in. We hit it off and have kept in touch. (even though there is a bit of a language barrier!)  He has told me he Loves me and wants to be with me but then one day from nowhere he told me he 'might' have a Turkish girlfriend!

I told him we will just stay friends and nothing else... Then a few weeks later he messaged me to say they had split up because he wants to be with me and wants to Marry me!

I have heard the stories about 'holiday romances' before and I don't know if I should believe him! Is he saying this to other girls he has met in the hotel?

Help!

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My usual response to these kind of questions has usually been "run away as fast as you can" but I like Alan's answer very much. :D

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Tell him you want to spend some time with him and ask him to lend you the airfare.

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard in such situations.

I can tell you I wouldn't believe him if I was in your situation, but that's based on the many examples I've heard of and seen. Your situation sounds the same. Even if he does "love" you, it doesn't mean he doesn't also love a few others, telling them the same thing. Of course not all Turkish men are like that, but it's so common that you should approach this with caution. One dead-sure way to know it's fake is if he ever asks for money, for any reason (including mother in the hospital, can't pay the rent, I wrecked my car, etc). No sincere Turkish man would EVER ask his girlfriend for money--it's part of the culture. But I really like what Alan said, he really hit the nail on the head.

Please have a look through the Turkish Dating and Romantic Relationships forum (to which I have moved this topic), and you'll find similar situations.

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I would also advise caution. Too many stories of heartbreak out there. I think that dialog is required about specific details of a possible visit, especially where he would have to put himself out a bit.

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Love scam artists, and other scam artists I have met in Turkey, never ask for money right away. They work multiple people at the same time, who pay off at different times. So they are patient. Not only that, but a lot of the love scammers really just want to go somewhere other than Turkey, so you might be his ticket. So meet the parents or not, it still doesn't mean you're not being scammed or that there is no hidden agenda.

I hope you're not being scammed, and it would be wonderful to hear later that you got married and lived the rest of your lives together in total happiness. I'm just saying that many times, it doesn't work out that way. If you want to play it safe, find somebody else. If you want to take your chances, then go for it. But I don't think you will find anybody here, who has lived in Turkey for a while, who could in good conscience confirm what you wish to believe in your situation.

Oh. And you will also hear "that is what everybody says about Turkish men. That is why I cannot find a nice girl to marry. Everybody thinks we are all trying to take advantage of women." They all say that, stuff, too. And before long they will have you feeling ashamed that you even thought such a thing about them.

This is not our regular thing, although we try to help women in such situations (especially after the heart break and much money has been lost). I would suggest searching Google (and even Facebook) for "turkish love rat." Connect with women who have been in your situation, read about what happened to them, and ask them for advice as well.

Here's one story:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2653975/My-Turkish-love-rat-left-pregnant-heartbroken-A-models-tale-holiday-romance-gone-horribly-wrong.html

You may dislike what you are reading here, but what we are telling you may very well spare you from a huge heartbreak. I have seen enough of those already.

If you lived in Turkey, got to know the guy really well, learned from the context of his life that he really is a great guy, and knew him for a year or so, on a daily basis, that would be different. You could be much more sure about him. Otherwise, you're taking a huge risk with a small probability that he is what he says he is.

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Thanks for the advice Ken! 

I know I don't want to become someone who is scammed like that. After a few days thinking I have decided I'm going to forget about him, I am going back to the same place in June so if he is there will be nice to catch up as friends only! 

 

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I hope I wasn't too harsh in my advice. I should also say that I have seen some great marriages between Turkish men and foreign women, and there really are a lot of Turkish men out there who are good boyfriends and husbands. But the only good examples I have seen was when the foreign woman was actually living in Turkey, and had really gotten to know the guy over time first.

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No Ken your advice was brilliant! I have chatted with friends who say the same. I am still talking to him as friends and we are going to meet up in June as friends.

Never know something in the future could progress as I am wanting to spend as much time in Turkey as I can.

Thank you for your advice! :)

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Something else for you to do before you meet him again is to do some research into Turkish culture - how Turkish women lead their lives here, as everything looks good when you're on holiday but is very different on a day to day basis. A lot could depend on where he's from, from the western side or from the east, a big city or a small village. The culture and lives and attitudes of people vary widely.

If you came to live here you probably wouldn't be able to work legally and would be dependent on someone to keep you, who is likely to already be keeping his family if he's from a poor area (and is likely to continue supporting them even if he marries) and the work your friend does is seasonal and dependent on  the tourist industry which isn't looking too healthy at the moment and the foreseeable future isn't looking too good either.

There is also the possibility, as Turks tend to get married young, that , if he's over twenty, that he's already married, possibly with a family and yes, girlfriends have been taken along to meet the parents and the wife passed off as a sister as they see it as a chance to get financial help. 

 

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19 hours ago, chelsea1991 said:

Thank you for your advise Baykus! One more question, Is it safe to travel to Mardin? I am wanting to Visit a friend but am unsure if it is safe to go?

Mardin is one of the cities on the danger list recently published by the UK gov. I certainly consider it unsafe at present..

https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/turkey

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I HIGHLY recommend from an ex-military (& common sense) standpoint to avoid ANY (or potential) flashpoint areas...especially those w/in close proximity to the Syrian/Iraqi border (ISIS/ISIL areas).  Mardin being one of these areas according the US Dept. of State.

Restricted access: Turkish security forces control access to the southeastern provinces of Sirnak, Hakkâri, and Mardin along the Iraqi border. Do not photograph or video Turkish military operations or installations anywhere in Turkey.

https://travel.state.gov/content/passports/en/country/turkey.html

 

U.S. Government personnel in Turkey remain subject to travel restrictions in the southeastern provinces of Hatay, Kilis, Gaziantep, Sanliurfa, Sirnak, Diyarbakir, Van, Siirt, Mus, Mardin, Batman, Bingol, Tunceli, Hakkari, Bitlis, and Elazig. In particular, the U.S. Mission to Turkey may prohibit movements by its personnel to these areas on short notice for security reasons, including threats and demonstrations. Due to recent acts of violence, such as the August 20 suicide bombing in Gaziantep, the September 12 bombing in Van, and the potential for reprisal attacks due to continued Turkish military activity in Syria, U.S. citizens are urged to defer travel to large, urban centers near the Turkish/Syrian border. Finally, the Government of Turkey has closed its border with Syria. Border crossings from Syria into Turkey are prohibited, even if the traveler entered Syria from Turkey.

 

Read & heed.

 

 

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