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How to become an intimate friends

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Having been in this situation before, I'll tell you what happened to me. This first one was in the USA, with an American woman.

Once I saw a girl who was working at a grocery store. The attraction was immediate, I mean, I just had to do something or I might never see here again.

I checked out at her line, but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything. So I went back. And bought some batteries and went through again. I explained to her that I really didn't need the batteries, I just needed an excuse to talk to her, and ask if I could call her or if she would meet me somewhere later (a public place of course!). She was flattered, and gave me a great smile. She said she already had a boyfriend, and thanked me for asking. So I gave her my phone number anyway, and said that she could throw it away if she wanted, but if anything changed, she could call me. Now I felt very awkward doing that. It was very difficult to get the courage to do that. And I probably looked a little silly, which I think she enjoyed. If nothing else, she was flattered by it. If nothing else, I was happy that I had flattered her.

Sometimes they just say no. Don't take it personally. Even the best fighters take a hit once in a while. And there is nothing wrong with politely asking. Don't worry, they won't jump across the table and stab you. :)

In Turkey, the same thing happened when I was in a a rather exclusive club. It was a Turkish girl this time. Turkish girls don't go out alone, they go out with family members or friends generally, because that is what is proper in Turkey. I would think the same thing would apply in a school they were attending. So I got to know one of her male friends. That resulted in invitations to go out in a group with her. And after I could talk to her. So I did. As time went by I asked about her family, her hobbies and interests, things she was interested in instead of talking about me. I listened with interest (and I was interested!) as she talked. While trying to be at my best, I was still myself. And I complemented her from time to time. About things others might not notice. She and I became friends over a couple of months. Then I was at the point where I could talk with her about things she wouldn't talk about with a stranger. And I asked her if she would join me at a formal dinner for my work, because I didn't have anybody to go with. And she came with me.

What's funny is that, while my full intention at the beginning was to become her boyfriend, and perhaps even marry her, after getting to really know her I concluded that she wasn't right for me. And I wasn't right for her. The whole time, there was never any intimate physical contact between us. So while in Turkey, or in Azerbaijan, such relationships can be strictly controlled to prevent any intimate contact, dating in the western world can be the same way.

And remember her male friend I made friends with just to meet here? We're best friends today!  I had later told him that when I met him, I was actually trying to meet his female friend. We were such good friends by then he laughed about it, and understood completely. He said he might have done the same thing, and I would completely understand. As for the girl I was once after? All I heard, from my friend, was that she married another man. It didn't bother me. And my friend said that, considering her current circumstances with the other man, she told him that she should have married me! :)

Anyway because Turkish girls are always with friends, it's important to be friends with her friends first. Start from there.

If it doesn't work out, So be it. Not every woman likes every man (and vice-versa). It doesn't mean you're not a good person or that you're "unacceptable." And it doesn't mean that you can't still be friends with the woman (and things could change later). Get back on your feet, learn from the experience, and keep what you've learned for the next experience.

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Dalyan,

Movies are just fantasy... What happened in Hollywood is in Hollywood not in real world.

but OK i will see it

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Hi Mohsin;

I think you are overthinking about this whole flirting thing in Turkey. Don't think too much about what to do, what to say etc. just get things going like normal when you two meet. I mean just be yourself, act like how you normally act, do what you normally do. For instance if you are hungry when you two meet, go to a cafe/restaurant and actually have some food. If you (you and her) not hungry then go grab some coffee or go to Devrim Stadium if you'll meet at ODTU :). Have fun during whatever you will be doing - don't be so nervous about dating and relationships. 

 

As for Turkish girls (I mean the modern ones and assuming that your date is a modern thinking girl as well), they like to be friends first so don't be judgmental about being friends before taking things seriously. I guess that you quickly want to get things seriously since you are searching for a girl/woman whom you can spend your life with but the thing is that Turkish girls (actually most of the girls around the world) wants to be friends before jumping into a serious relationship. I couldn't understand your thoughts about everyone having close friends and/or multiple friends. I think it's absolutely normal for a university student to have a lot of friends/connections and I also think it's a good thing.

Anyway, hope my comments will help. Briefly, I advise you to stay calm and relaxed, have fun and don't think to get married with a person before your first date :)

Cheers,

Emre.

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Hi Emre,

Thanks for answering completely. Of course not. I am not thinking about marriage without knowing. It might be completely disastrous!

You know why I overthink! I convinced that girl to meet but at the last few days she used any excuse to avoid meeting! Oh my god rain is a best excuse!!! Because of that, I try to be myself but it seems they do not! Why many of the girls are not frank!!

By the way, any idea about my friends trouble?!

Best,

Mohsun

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Hello

Another thing which I talked with one of my friend in this forum is about the word "playing"

I really get angry by many girls just destroy emotions of other people and are not frank with them. They just accept to have meeting, but then they use many excuses and this is really really annoying for many of my friends here. Would you please write your ideas about being played by those girls!?

Let me say that this word might be meaningless for many since they have a lot of friends but for a foreigner it is completely important!

best

mohsun

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Multiple excuses probably mean "no." If she doesn't add "but perhaps another time," or something like that, it's probably "no." If she wants to go out with you, she'll say something to let you know. Women, and all people really, give hints like that. It avoids hurting another person's feelings by rejecting them. I don't think is intended to be "playing." And I expect it. A woman will rarely say "no, I don't really like you that much and I don't want to go out with you."  But if you persist too much, you may very well hear her say that to you since she will have no other choice. Perhaps you should tell her to let you know if she changes her mind or wants to join you somewhere for a chat. Leave the ball in her court, and move on. And feel good about yourself that you tried.

There are probably a lot of websites which give advice about how to ask a woman out, or how to let a woman know that you like her, you might try searching for a site which specializes more in that.

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Ken

Unfortunately I am a sensitive person and I cannot tolerate that! I also have emotion! I never persist something but I really do not have time to play with anyone. I saw all of those websites, un fortunately they just answer in a specific situation and you cannot follow them. Finally, some boys and girls should be frank!

It seems that I should forget girls! 

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There's the story about a man who found an old lamp and opened the lid. A genie came out and granted him three wishes for setting him free. Of course, for his first two wishes the man asked for the usual things, wealth and such. For his third wish he asked the genie to build him a bridge from Los Angeles to Shanghai. The genie explained that this would be impossible, because of the engineering involved, the depth of the Pacific Ocean, and a variety of other factors. So the genie asked the man to please wish for something else. The man said "I want to understand women." The genie thought a moment and said "what color do you want this bridge to be?"

I don't know what else to tell you. To some extent you'll need to learn to play a game in which the woman often makes the rules. And not be disappointed if you don't win every time. It depends on how much it's worth to you to learn more about women, be sensitive to them, and not have such rigid expectations. Only you can decide if you want to do that or not. It won't be something every other man hasn't had to do.

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Great story :D:D

Actually, if the women are complicated. me myself is 100 times complicated! I don't know why many people say girls are emotional!! Maybe they are joking:)

 

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Turkish girls often seem unemotional at first. If you walk up and start talking to a Turkish girl, they usually won't smile unless they know you, because they don't want to give you the wrong idea. Some Turkish men (yes I know it's not all Turkish men and that men in other countries can be this way) think that when a woman looks them in the eye and smiles at them, that the woman wants to sleep with them, and they will start harassing the woman. So it isn't necessarily you, may be all the other men she's had to deal with before.  And that's why Turkish women usually prefer to get acquainted with a man through friends or in some non-threatening environment before they feel comfortable.

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Ken I really thank you for patience in answering:)

I always tried to invite anyone to public place as you said non-threatening place. I know many of the points you said, if I would not say all. The important thing I also understood here is that girls are much more dependant to the boys than vice-versa. I don't know maybe because of that they are jealous. You can kill your girl-friend by just walking with another girl after a day break up with her :D

Yes I understand you but my personality does not allow it to do! I mean I cannot wait too much for anyone. Simultaneously I cannot be friend with many girls if so I never come to this website:)

I don't know maybe our culture dictates it even though my own personality also aids it!!!

You know when I was in U.S.A I learned many things. The important difference I saw between there and my country is that the boys find girls and girls find boys by fate and chance, which is completely different in my country. Everyone follows another one!

I don't know!

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I was once in a course which had some classes taught by a renowned forensic psychologist. In one class he was teaching us to understand personalities. I was blatantly honest when I said to him "Sometimes I don't like my personality. Can I change my personality?" He said "no, for the most part you're stuck with the personality you have. But what you can do is soften the edges." I also had a tendency to be rigid in my beliefs and thinking, and this was what I was talking about. I still have that tendency, but I have softened the edges, a lot, over time.

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I always say I can do something! But that thing deprives me to do it!!

Let me say that I was somewhat successful in other stuffs but this issue sucked me:)

Maybe I should wait for fate:)

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Other than random chance, the only fate is the result of your decisions. And if you argue for your limitations, you will get to keep them.

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You mean many people for example in U.S.A find boy or girl friend while 16 or 14 , not by chance or fate?!

At least, they do not follow the girls like in my country!

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A lot of people in the USA believe in fate. Or God's hand in everything. So this is just my personal belief. From what I've seen my fate has been the result of my decisions. Of course random chance and the decisions of others impact on this, but I don't see anything supernatural about it. Your personal beliefs definitely have a role in it though. If a person is absolutely convinced they will succeed at something, they will probably be successful. If they think they will fail, they will probably fail, because what they do and how they do it will be affected by what they believe about their success or failure. This is why successful people often engage in visualization of success to achieve success.

This is getting off topic... I've sent you a PM. We can talk about this aspect of your situation off the forums.

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Does anybody know why Turkish girls act like sinusoidal function!!?

I really detest this behavior!

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Times past and at the end I married with my compatriot!:)

I will come turkey, Izmir 2 after 2 months...

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Congrats.  I read your story. It is an interesting one.  Glad it all worked out for you in the end...so I take it you didn't marry a Turk (seeing that a "compatriot" is someone of your own nationality)?

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3 hours ago, FenerEniste said:

Congrats.  I read your story. It is an interesting one.  Glad it all worked out for you in the end...so I take it you didn't marry a Turk (seeing that a "compatriot" is someone of your own nationality)?

Yeah

Thanks fener

Ohhhh a long story. I like turkish girls they are strange.  However, even though I was really trustful but the culture difference is a really complicated issue. Theymade me crazy and I did not continue my education that time. Even though I am Azeri and the language and culture are somewhat the same. They act as a sinusoidal function. Some time they are really warm some time cold. 

I married with a girl who is the same nationality but the language is not the same! But I completely know the language.

Fener, everything is not limited here!!I talked a lot with Ken in pv! You know! A lot.

I Hope this time I get used to Turkey. I think Izmir is a suitable choice with various bars, beaches, sport clubs, and ....

I hope someone see this message and maybe I could have his number to ask some questions before coming Izmir

Brother of my husband is in Adapazari!

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I understand bro.  Turkish women are a different breed.  But I'll be an "eniste" of 10 years in 2018.  I couldn't trade my Turkish wife for another nationality.

 

Anyway....the Izmir life is great & the people are warm & friendly.  When you decide to settle & live in a place, certainly let us know what city.  I will do my best to give you some suggestions of things to do.

Balcova definitely would be top of my list for you though.  As a newcomer to the city, everything is there.  Your Uni will be there, bars, cafes, restaurants & nightlife are there.  The mall is right there & so is the ferry that can take you to Konak, Alsancak & across the bay to KSK (karsiyaka).  Balcoa also feels more natural.  Thermal springs etc., lots of trees...I go MTB riding w/friends in the hills above the city as well.

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5 hours ago, FenerEniste said:

I understand bro.  Turkish women are a different breed.  But I'll be an "eniste" of 10 years in 2018.  I couldn't trade my Turkish wife for another nationality.

 

Anyway....the Izmir life is great & the people are warm & friendly.  When you decide to settle & live in a place, certainly let us know what city.  I will do my best to give you some suggestions of things to do.

Balcova definitely would be top of my list for you though.  As a newcomer to the city, everything is there.  Your Uni will be there, bars, cafes, restaurants & nightlife are there.  The mall is right there & so is the ferry that can take you to Konak, Alsancak & across the bay to KSK (karsiyaka).  Balcoa also feels more natural.  Thermal springs etc., lots of trees...I go MTB riding w/friends in the hills above the city as well.

Fener thanks really 

I do not exactly understand your first sentence.

Eniste!?

Are u Turkish?

Sure. I will inform you. Just know that I am a student and I should rent a house as cheap as possible. Also, I hope I find a temporary job. I hope Izmir economy uni. waive my tuition and fee as they evaluated my resume. Therefore, I just afford living cost.

I hope I choose the right choice!

I will inform u before coming...

Thanks

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Yes, also a male foreigner that marries any Turkish girl gets that distinction as well.  It's a term of endearment from the Turks.  "Oh you married an Izmirli?....you are my Enişte!".

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