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PLEASE CAN YOU GUYS HELP ME - Turkish boyfriend problems

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Okay where do I start:wacko:

It all started in April this year, myself and 2 other friends visited Marmaris for a 2 week holiday. Its going to sound so cliche but I had a whirlwind holiday romance with a guy that worked at our hotel, its worth noting that i'm not naive i know that this thing happens all the time and I certainly wasn't his first British girl.  We really did click and spent all our time laughing and its safe to say we were both upset when the two weeks came to an end.  I came home and 2 days later 2 other best friends went out to turkey to the same hotel and at the same time this guy said come back out.  As I work freelance riding horses and I had an ankle injury meaning I couldn't work at the time so I had a bit of a YOLO moment and hopped on the next plane!  We all had a really great time and my friends all thought he was great too.  He was honest with me and told me that he had been with a fair few holiday flings during his 3 seasons working in Marmaris but he felt completely differently about me.  Like i said i'm not naive i'm sure his said this to someone else before but I do believe that he meant it and I also was starting to really like him and the thought of going home and not seeing him again upset me.  He suggested he could get me a job in the hotel for the rest of the summer, I said I would go home and think about it.  I went home for 2 weeks and gave it a lot of thought and much to my parents dismay (I'm 23 and an only child) i was back on another plane back to turkey racking up the air miles!  

We worked together at the hotel for nearly 3 months and at the beginning it was so fun, I loved the work meeting so many new people and working with him was great.  I started to realize he was very jealous about 2 months in when I caught him going through my phone.  He was all pissed of at a message that was over a year old from my ex and other messages from family friends that where over 50 years old!!  The next thing was facebook, he didn't like any pictures of me with guys even if i explained i had known them for years and were only friends or even my gay friend he wanted to delete all of them, at first i objected but soon gave in once he got angry in public.  After that, that still wasn't enough and for a peaceful life I gave in once again and deleted my facebook, which really upset me as it cut me off from a lot of my friends.  The final straw for me was when I was at work and got a blow dry in the hairdressers (the hairdresser was a man) he came storming in and just stood there and stared at me while I was having it done and was then pissed off that it was a man and was paranoid I was talking about him.  I told him that night I couldn't work with him anymore as I found that experience to embarrassing and its not acceptable to do that at work in front of colleges and customers.  Maybe that was the time to come home!  But instead he suggested going back to his city and meeting his family, I agreed.  Love does make you blind.  After an 18 hour bus journey we got to his city.

His family loved me instantly and I loved them.  I learnt Turkish with them and honestly was made to feel like I had lived there my whole life.  Everything was good until one day in a restaurant with him i suggested if I could get my facebook back so I could speak to one of my old girlfriends as I didn't have her new number.  Just like that he snapped saying I wanted to look at my old photos with my ex or friends I just got up and walked out as people started looking.  I waited outside on a quiet street, he came to me and said come back in so you can get your facebook so he could message the male friends i said no as thats just crazy.  He got very threatening and i pushed him away, thats when he grabbed me by my arms and dragged me while i was on the floor so hard that my arms were purple for over a week.  I managed to get free but when i got up he slapped me on the face and cut my finger as well.  Some men saw this happen  as he was shouting so loud and called the police.  They came but I was too upset to say anything so I just nodded that I was okay.  That evening his family asked me at dinner what all my bruises and cut was from and he actually told them and was crying saying how bad he felt and that it would happen.  His family were disgusted and told him that if it happens again they will never speak to him.  We eventually made up and I had another really good 2 months there, he didn't hit me or try to again.  I came back on Friday to see my family and get more clothes but since ive been back he has been so awful.  Ive never experienced jealousy like it.  He messaged me and i took 1 MINUTE to reply and he got angry :shock2[1]::shock2[1]:  If i dont see his message for half an hour because i'm walking the dog I come back to 30 texts saying "are you partying with your friends?" "Who are you with?" "you dont love me" that general stuff. I havent seen anyone since ive been back other than family. His 30 but acts like a young teenage girl its crazy, its not healthy.  I've explained its not acceptable but he either says its my fault or he wont do it again but lo and behold an hour later his at it again its draining.  All the stress over whats been going on has caused me to have hair loss and my doctor said i need blood tests which has pissed him off as he says im just making excuses so I don't come back.  I mean come on my health is important I need to get that sorted even though he cant understand why i don't just do it in turkey. 

I do love him and  even after whats happened i'm still considering going back once I have had my blood test results back.  Am i stupid?  I know after all ive said bad about him he is a nice person and very kind its just his been cheated on by 2 of his Turkish ex's one of them being with his best friend so i can see why he is so paranoid.  I know does love me I know that for sure but his anger and jealousy is becoming a massive problem.  I'm torn my mum and dad don't want me to go back and If i was a parent I would say the same thing but i really really love him and we laugh and joke about like ive never done before even with my ex of 5 years.  I can see my future with him.

So i guess the question is would you stay or would you go?  


S Sorry for the essay:blush-anim-cl[1]:

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"and If i was a parent I would say the same thing"

You've answered your own question there. This sort of thing goes on a lot with Turkish men and you will never have a peaceful life with him. If you stay with him now you will only have a very difficult and painful divorce/separation in years to come when you will probably have one or two children too. Do the sensible thing and ditch him now.


Çukurbağlı's blog. Warning - takes you off the forum and into the www.wilderness


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In my opinion, you are lucky that you have learned this about him before it was too late. If the obsessive control wasn't enough, the first time he laid a hand on you, you should have ended it. Often abusers, after a violent event, will buy flowers, apologize, treat the victim wonderfully, and swear that it will never happen again. And cultivate your sympathy.

If you don't listen to us, please at least do some online research into domestic abuse and spouse abusers and their mentality.

If you had a daughter going through what you are going through, what would you tell her?

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This has nothing to do with him being Turkish, as you said his family was apalled that he had hit you. It is not normal for a Turkish man to react to his girlfriend/wife being in touch with their relatives and female friends. I can understand more him being upset over male friends, although I know lots of Turkish men who really don't care because they feel safe and secure that they are loved and will not be petrayed. My own Turkish boyfriend has female friends himself, so of course he doesn't expect me to cut contact with anyone. I know there is a little bit more tention in Turkey with males and females being in contact alone, but there are ways to solve this and his solutions are not solutions, they are just violence and abuse. Him being cheated on by his exes is not your problem. It sounds to me like he is living in the past and attacking things that are not there. Him showing disregard for your health iand your appointments with your doctor ss absolutely shocking, as most Turks have great respect for doctors. And by expecting you to respond in less than a minute to his texts, he sets up inpossible standards for your communication, one that will feel more threatening every day. You MUST refuse this.

I would say, if you can get him to work on his jealousy and agression, your relationship might stand a chance. If that is not possible, listen to his family as well as yours; they in no way agree to him treating you like this. Why should you agreee? You love him and you want to stay with him, but by letting him treat you badly you are actually hurting him as well. 

I know it hurts so, so much - it hurts even when people who are not violent treat you bad. But as good as he might be on his good days, it doesn't make up for him being a physical risk to you and showing disreagard for your general wellbeeing. You will find love again - but unless he changes (and by that I mean; sees as psycologist) you will find yourself in the future very angry and dissapointed. 


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It will hurt but for your own sanity and safety please listen to us and don't go back.

You've already been made ill due to stress. This won't go away as you will always have it at the back of your mind. No matter how much you love him, would you really want a life where you become totally subservient to him in case he throws a wobbly? Believe me, this is what will happen and you'll spend you life trying not to rock the boat to avoid his rages. The chances of him changing are negligible and you know it or you wouldn't be asking us our opinions.

At the moment you've got independence and can come and go when you want but the longer you are together the more controlling he will become and already you have deleted FB because of his insane jealousy and cut yourself  off from your friends. While you are in the first flush of love you'll be able to cope with this but a few months down the line you  will become homesick and miss them. What then? Will you contact them secretly and lie about it if he questions you?

If you live here, where will you live as I'm sure that he will start pressurising you not to work and to get married? Then you will be dependent on him and will not be able to easily escape. If you have children then you'll be really stuck as to visit the UK with them you'll need his written permission,noterised, to be able to take them out of the country. 

Also once you are married in Turkey it's a new ball game. I gather from your post, that, as you had an 18 hour bus ride,  he comes from towards the eastern part of the country where families are more traditional and conservative. Married women are expected to stay at home and a lot even have to ask permission to go out to visit friends or go to the shops and are not expected to 'doll' themselves up, anyway you would be suspect if you went out alone and in some parts, if you went into a shop where there was a male assistant , your virtue would be questioned. My husband comes from Osmaniye and even when I walked my small dogs, the family always made sure that someone accompanied me.

If you are sensible and decide not to go you will need to be strong to say no to his pleas as he will probably promise you the sun, moon and stars if you agree to go back. Be strong.

What ever you decide to do I wish you good luck and remember we are here if you need to 'talk'.




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Good advice given above. I would join in with my two-penneth. Move on now whilst you are safe and uninjured. I can only see more jealousy, more poor behaviour and violence (mixed in with the laughter will be lots of tears). Then would you trust this man if you have children? You would really be locked into a cycle of violence is you have a family with him.

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  • 2 years later...

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