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I am Confounded. Advice appreciated

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Hi. I am an American woman in my late 20s and am engaged to a Turkish man who is ten years older than me. We are together for nine months. I was the first to bring up marriage. He went back to Turkey a few months ago in order not to overstay his visa. We usually speak regularly,  it is difficult with the distance, but at this time we have not spoken in 19 days. This is the longest period ever. I am a little bit devastated and almost ready to give up on him.

 

He is not with me for sex. He actually came back to visit me 1.5 months ago, all the way to the U.

S. for only one week. At that time he asked to marry me. He is not with me for money. He has far more money than I do, and he is older. He is not with me for citizenship. We would wait at least two years. Because--> He was divorced already, but she got the court to remarry them. Does this sound bizarre? Yes it does. But I've verified through many sources that this is possible. Also, I can believe this bizarre tale, because I have a close personal friend, American, who dated a Turkish man for ten years, who went away to the home country for a month and came back married. His family forced him into it. However, that was at least 20 or 30 years ago. Could that possibly have happened now? Perhaps. But this man has a lot of inner strength. He has been fighting the court decision.

 

Am I being clingy? I don't think so. We didn't speak much for two months and I never complained once, but supported him during a difficult time. Am I perfect? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Did he decide he didn't want me anymore? Maybe. If not, then why the hell wouldn't he inform me of that like an adult? Like I said before, this is a brave man. He is not immature.

 

Is he a workaholic? Yes and I've seen it. We've talked already several times about that. But three weeks silence??? He was working hard now to have enough money to afford to live here in the US so I could bear FIVE children for him and he support us (his idea! smile.png ). He really wants them as soon as possible. I told him that I do want children, that I wasn't quite ready, but within a year or two. That I'd be a better mother if I wait. Would that put him off-having to wait a year??

 

Also, I talked to his relative in the US on the phone the other day. Wouldn't he have avoided me if there was a problem???

 

The last time we spoke, we discussed wedding rings, and he told me which one he liked. We discussed our plans to see each other again soon and what we would do. Please help, fellow Westerners and Turks!!!! I do love this man. I am confused and really struggling.sad.png

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Thank you for your response, and good point! I don't know what to think. This is NOT normal for American people. In my mind, this indicates a break-up, and I've been trying to comprehend a reason why--hence the above post. (I apologize for the oversharing, I was feeling low then and regret that this website does not allow for editing or deletion). Yet, the last time I spoke to my bf our plans remained the same, he was working constantly, and nothing was wrong between us. I know another Turk who works literally 24/7 and says he only talks to his girlfriend once every month or two. Based on that, should I expect him back, or is this the writing on the wall? Is this at all normal in Turkey? Should I even TAKE him back? From discussions I've had with him before, Turkish men are expected to work constantly to make as much money as possible, and many Turkish wives have to put up with seeing very little of their husbands at all.

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He is married and living in Turkey and he said he wants to start having 5 kids with you as soon as possible. It sounds like nonsense and too much drama so I wouldn't take him back. It's not respectful to you if you continue. In Turkey marriage is a serious thing, if he wasn't serious with his first wife, he probably won't be serious with you if you marry him. You're young, don't waste your energy on any man who puts you through this kind of nonsense and make you confused, he is not serious. If it doesn't make sense to you, it's not because he is Turkish, it's because he is full of it.  

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No. He wasn't married when we got together. He was divorced. He is also not with her now. Go on and tell me it's not true though that's fine. Maybe you're right. But I'm not taking this on myself or calling him full of it. Like I said, I personally know someone whose middle-aged boyfriend of ten years was forced into a marriage with someone he DID NOT KNOW when he went home. I think Turkey is the strange party here. I can't even comprehend such a culture.

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I believe I said we were engaged. I love him a great deal. I am older than I stated in my profile for anonymity's sake. I also never said I plan to bear him 5 kids. I would never just do his bidding on something so important. He expressed a hopeful wish to me; he did not make a command. My apologies because I thought I was less rather than more offensive in taking the blame away from this one individual and putting it on the larger situation. I recognize that bowing to family demands is par for the course in Turkey, because family ties are extremely strong there. That's both a good thing and a bad thing, and that's in the opinion of the TURK, not mine! He expressed that to me several times, as well as the fact that people can be difficult in other ways. Now whether or not that's what's behind this, based on this very website, this situation is not an uncommon occurrence. I'm sure Turkey is a lovely country and I like the people I've met, but that doesn't mean there aren't difficulties. I would be the first to admit that about the states, and every time my Turkish man expressed frustration with Turkey or Turkish people, I expressed equal frustration with the United States. That doesn't mean we don't love our countries, just as we love our friends and families and partners even when they don't please us all the time. He also expressed that he thinks Turkey is the best culture in the world, that you are never alone and there is always someone to help you, and how beautiful it is, and that I would love to go there.

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 He was divorced already, but she got the court to remarry them. Does this sound bizarre? Yes it does. But I've verified through many sources that this is possible. 

I've lived in Turkey for 25 years and that is the first I've heard of this. I've looked on the net but can find no reference to it. What are your sources?

 

It sounds as if he has been influenced by being back in Turkey and his family. This wouldn't be the first time that Turks have been involved with foreigners while abroad but when they return to Turkey they see things in a different light.

 

Also you sound as if you are trying to convince yourself that all was well between you up until these last three weeks. 

Are you being honest with yourself or is it wishful thinking?

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"He was divorced already, but she got the court to remarry them." 

 

I also have never heard of such a thing!   confused1%5B1%5D.gif  A court doesn't have the jurisdiction to force a marriage, but does have jurisdiction to refuse a divorce being contested by the partner who doesn't want the divorce.   mad2%5B1%5D.gif  And that is the most likely scenario to explain this very strange thing your fiancé has told you.  I would also be interested to know the many sources which verify such information. eek%5B1%5D.gif

 

I sincerely hope you get to the bottom of the whole story, to clear up your confusion....... good luck ! :)

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  • 1 month later...

Hi TaterTot. I've seen his passport and I've seen his identity and I have seen many photos of him online doing what he says he does. His identity is absolutely certain.

 

Meral, I suppose it is possible that they were not 100% divorced. That would perhaps explain it. But I'm not sure. I agree that it is odd. Maybe that's what people understood when I asked them.

 

eruza, You can certainly be engaged. Engagment is not a legal matter.

 

Sunny, We have been talking again for one month now so he didn't change his mind.

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I didn't mean "catfished" in the sense he's actually a 400 pound woman from Arkansas...  I mean that he's not honest about what's really going on.

 

I think you are either divorced or not... so I don't know what you mean by "completely."

 

How can you be engaged to someone who's already married?  That IS illegal (if not tacky) since it implies intent to commit polygamy.

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So you've seen his passport and his kimlik .... but, do you think he would show you his nüfus orneği (printout from the  Birth/Death/Marriage registry showing all history of marriages/divorces, including current status) ????  Why not ask him & see what his reaction is?  If he agrees, make sure it's a very recent printout.

 

As TaterTot says, one cannot be partly divorced -- it's either all or nothing !  Good Luck ! :)

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I agree with Meral that you are either divorced or not and this is a big issue.  Why are we making this a big issue?  Not only because it could be shady but we know the Turkish culture very well.

 

A common saying of the men here is that: You only marry once.

 

Marrying a second time, while it does happen they take marriage so seriously that all my husbands friends were with their girlfriends for 5+ years and then marriage was brought up and that's just because nobody from this country plans on remarrying moreso because it's generally shameful in this culture (unless there's obvious reasons: cheating/abuse)

 

Have you been to Turkey at all?  I don't take any Turk-American relationships seriously unless they come to Turkey because the family is such a huge deal, perhaps the biggest importance in most Turks lives.  If you haven't been to Turkey and haven't met his family, your in limbo until that day. 

 

Why move the the US?  It's insanely hard for foreigners to do that, why don't you move there?  What made his first marriage unsucessful because that's very important to learn since divorce is not very common.  Why you?  A foreigner?  What are you doing for him while you are waiting for this relationship to pan out, are you learning Turkish?  Are you working on his future adaptation?

 

Not to sound tough and mean-cop but every foreigner needs to drill their Turk on the big issues so that in the end it all works out and everyone is really happy.  I even drilled my husband on WHY ME?  Marrying outside their really ancient culture is just incredibly hard unless they have lived in a western country.  Culture issues happen even to the most western-minded Turk.

 

My advice.  Plan to go to Turkey, meet his family/friends.  If you already did that, great, go back and discuss wedding/future plans because it solidifies everything full-circle.

Ask him those critical questions because you don't want those to go unanswered.

 

Wedding ring talk doesn't mean much, I could have that talk with my cat.  Real love and commitment has more talks of paperwork, visas and airplane tickets. 

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´confused & struggling´ now u said ..what would it be like further down the line...sounds like somethings not right to me...if not right now i doubt it ever will be. Anything that needs over justifying by yourself isnt worth fighting for in my opinion. U may feel love for him but as someone mentioned above actions/honesty priceless in this situation. Why would someone want such complexities in their life? even just being in love with someone outside your own country is complex enough let alone dealing with someone with such a complex past. good luck :-)

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