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Arranged marriage in Turkey

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Hi friends,

 

I am not sure if this question have been already posed on this website or not.. But I had this question so here I am posting this for many others who would also like to know this..

 

Well I have a reputation of asking questions (daring) which others usually feel scared of asking. But my questions are simple and very straight to point.

 

I am back on this website after a couple of months now.. Been busy with my flying and I have finally got a commercial pilot's License. 

 

The question is that what is the % of marriages in Turkey being arranged marriage? I mean if someone like me goes to Turkey, Learns turkish to an intermediate level and wishes to marry a Turkish women and have a family there.. Is it difficult for a person like me being a non Turkish to find a turkish partner or it is very difficult? And what about if I approach a girl's parents to marry me to their daughter.. Will that work out? I belong to an Eastern Muslim Country so I am very much aware of arranged marriage culture and the Turkish culture is somewhat same as my homeland. So this is a simple question I wished to asked. Is it possible to find a person? And if yes what are the chances of finding someone to get married to?

 

Hmm.. So this is the question I hope people answer me seriously and some helpful suggestions can come out.

 

Regards

Faisal.

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  1. Arranged marriage is a type of marital union where the bride and groom are selected by a third party rather than by each other. the parents of boy and girl choose the partners and they get married.

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Good morning Faisal,

 

I believe that your response to Fil is rather condescending, as the majority of members  of this forum are English speaking and quite capable of looking up a dictionary and/or Google.

 

"Arranged marriages" according to your Google/Dictionary definition is sometimes practised among the conservative rural population of Turkey. In general the majority of marriages are "love marriages" but parental approval of both parties is required.

 

There are many "mixed" marriages in Turkey - e.g. mine

 

Good luck

 

gdb

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Hi

 

it was not to offend anyone. infact the brother just asked me the precise meaning of arranged marriage the best and easiest way i found was to google and give it here. in my post / question i made it very clear what exactly i wished to know/get.

 

 

well so i get it now lets say in around 75% of marriages the boy and girl meet; like each other then present this matter to the parents and if the parents of both parties are happy they get married otherwise they start searching for someone else.. Is that correctly understood?

 

 

and in rest of 25% marriages (in rural areas) the parents decide the bride or groom for their son and daughter and reinforce their decision on the children and they have to obey it.

 

Have i clearly rightly understood?

 

regards ;)

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Actually I was interested in your own view of what arranged marriage is, not the dictionary definition. The term seems clear but in reality it is not.

For example, in an arranged marriage, how much say do the bride and groom have?

Can the arrangement be refused by the bride or groom?

Do the bride and groom have prior knowledge that a partner is being sought?

Who initiates the arrangement?

Does the bride or groom say to their parents I'm old enough to get married now, can you help me find a suitable spouse?

Or is it an order from the parents?

If parent set up a relationship to start, and that develops into marriage, is that an arranged marriage?

What if the relationship is set up by friends or other family members?

 

I think the real picture of how relationships are put together (arranged or not) in different cultures is a lot more complex than a simple 75% don't, 25% do. I think this subject is also an interesting topic for communication between cultures, as it is often misunderstood and misrepresented, which leads to stereotyping and negative judgements of other cultures. That is why ı think it would be interesting and helpful to share different perceptions of the topic.

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I've seen it twice with my husband's sister and brother.  They were "set up" with their spouses, but the "kids" had a say in it.  When my SIL was of "marrying status," word got out and mothers of eligible sons approached my MIL.  They researched the one man's family and their reputation.  Once they passed that part, the kids emailed.  Then talked.  Then met with the families...  There's a certain way to do these things.

 

Six months later, they are getting married!

 

Same with my BIL.  They have their first kid.  They planned a wedding after two months of seeing each other.

 

They are very religious, but not of a rural area and are also very progressive.  It's quite a lovely thing to behold.  wub.png

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Arranged marriages can mean different things in different cultures, even in different parts of the same country. 

 

For example, Tatertot, in the case of your SIL, the parents researched & decided a particular candidate was suitable, and then they emailed & got to know each other... etc etc.  It doesn't sound as if the marriage was forced upon the girl against her will, so she must've had some say in the matter.  Might she have got away with refusing if she had not liked the young man?

 

I know some "arranged" marriages have worked out quite well, as I have met women who were married off by their parents at young ages, 14, 15 or 16, and said they were happy.  But not all turn out this way unfortunately (we've all read of the horror stories in the papers).

 

So-called "modern" young people meet through schools or friends, get to know each other then decide to get married, at which point they involve their parents for the "formalities".  Some parents approve, some don't.

 

I've always been intrigued at how much say the parents have in these matters, but of course I see it from a Western view. eyebrow%5B1%5D.gif

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Lets see what I consider an arrange marriage:-

 

For example, in an arranged marriage, how much say do the bride and groom have? 

The bride and groom have the right to say either they like the person they are set up to marry with or not. The elders on the other hand will see and evaluate the statements made by the children. If the find them to be valid enough; they cancel the marriage and search for someone else otherwise they bond them into the marriage contract.

 

Can the arrangement be refused by the bride or groom?

As it is stated above; this is possible to refuse such arranged marriage but there must be some solid grounds behind and not because he likes red color and i prefer blue. I love football and he does not... tongue.png

 

Do the bride and groom have prior knowledge that a partner is being sought?

Yes. They may have prior knowledge; They may also meet each other on several occasions but DO NOT HAVE intercourse before marriage. The best way is to meet with an elder present in the meeting.

 

Who initiates the arrangement?

The arrangement can be initiated by anyone but in most cases this is the boy family who first visits the girl house and then the girl family visits the boy house. Then both families upon mutual understanding and consulting their children proceed with marriage.

 

Does the bride or groom say to their parents I'm old enough to get married now, can you help me find a suitable spouse?

Yes they may say this. And if they say this; parents must evaluate the request and work upon it if it is valid.

 

Or is it an order from the parents?

As answered above; under normal circumstances with families more into religion and conservative practitioners usually marry where the parents decide ! Either it is good practice or a bad one is a different topic.

 

If parent set up a relationship to start, and that develops into marriage, is that an arranged marriage?

Yes under normal circumstances; This is the arranged marriage. 

 

What if the relationship is set up by friends or other family members?

Relationship may be set up by friends or family members surely. but for those who have living parents it is recommended that parents themself take the initiative. 

 

As for love marriage; we all know. Boy and girl meets each other, like each other, they may also have physical contact before marriage and then decide to marry either the parents like it or not. This is what normally is practiced in Europe and America. 

 

So having said all of the above things ; question is same. Are there such marriages happening in Turkey or not? And if yes what is in general the percentage or such marriages?

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Let's see...

 

1.  What percentage of Turks are in an arranged marriage?

-From what I have observed very little, the number will be higher in Eastern Anatolia as it's more traditional in many ways, and arranged marriage is also higher in villages than in the cities.  Turks are generally very keen to find their own partners first and then turn to arranged marriage as a "I'm getting too old and need to marry" option.

 

2.  Is it difficult for you being a Non-Turk to marry a Turkish woman here?

-Hell no.  Women are more open to marry out of their culture than the men, and I even know Turkish women personally who are looking for a foreigner because they simply don't want to marry in their culture.  Your chance are higher than a Turk because you are a foreigner.  This is a positive here not a negative.

 

3.  Approaching a family for marriage.

-Your Turkish level is more important firstly because they will want complete open communication and it would show a level of commitment to their daughter being a Turk.  I believe that if you get to this point of meeting their parents your chances are good.  Having cultural similarities are important but most Turks just know their culture so you would have to show them those similarities.

 

Your hardest part is really finding the right girl, as I said most girls try to look for their own husbands or have their family look for them.  Your negative (and probably only one negative) of being a foreigner is that they don't know your reputation.  As you should know reputation is important and you simply come from an unknown background which is a high risk for a woman. 

 

If you choose a city girl (not that religious type) arranged marriage won't be possible since a high percentage want to make that choice themselves.

If you choose a conservative girl (religious type) you will need to find a way into their social circle to have a chance, and it would take time for that family to trust you.  You wouldn't be able to make it fast, like meet a girl, then go to her parents within the month this is less likely to happen.

 

Yet there's always exceptions, I'm speaking generally.  Yes it is very possible, but you would need to know how to meet those type of women who also want an arranged marriage and due to these women being segregated from men it would be a challenge and your best chance is to find a woman to connect you to those women.

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