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Dating Turkish Girl.. Need help

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Hello,

 

I am sorry for the long post.

 

  I have been in a long distance relatioship for 1 year 4 months now with a Turkish/Armenian Girl. It i a long distance realtionship. I have met her parents as I have visited. Now down the road im beginning to get confused about the culture and dating. 

   I Love this girl so much. She invited me to visit and meet her parent which I did and was so greatful and had the best time of my life with her. I got to learn some of the culture esspecially when it comes to dating. I understand that there are certain ways that I must go about it to show respect to her, her parent and her culture. Like holding hands and sitting to close etc.... But recently I have found myself feeling like she is now keeping me a secret as she said we are not allowed to be in an open relationship because of her culture. For example one day I wanted to surprise her and possible bring a smile to her face as I added the "In a Relationship Status" on my Profile and had tagged her name in it. Keep in mind we have been dating for over a year and already met her parent. I was soon confronted by her and she was very angry that I had done so saying that its not allowed. She didnt explain why. I then began to research the rules and customs of dating in her culture. I felt myself really upset as I do not see why I must remain a secret to certain people, I feel. Maybe the rest of her family would not approve.

  I have been trying so hard to keep up afloat and now she tells me I am pushing to much. I am forcing my Love out when it should just come.

  We have had a rough few month as I did let the communtcation die off for a bit and I have accepted I was in the wrong for doing so and I should have been there for her. But now when I am here, when I try to keep our relationship alive and communication open. She tells me she is confused and I am trying to hard. i need to relax.

 

  Am I over thinking this? Am I over reacting? I do not want to be a secret or treated as such. She doesn't pick up on this.

  I am not forcing myself to be here for her but i am just being here because I love her and want to be here for her.

 

  She doesnt even have the interest to skype me anymore which hurts as I would only love to see my loves beautiful smile once in a while. I cant even get a picture. But I do make sure and send pictures and videos for her just so she may not feel that I am miles away.

 

It is a long distance relationship. I am working my hardest to make it work and hopefully soon be able to move to her. I'm afraid how things are going it wont last to that point and it terrifies me. I LOVE HER, She Loves me or atleast she says she does.

 

  Am I missing something. Am i asking to much not to want to be a secret. Why should it matter who knows? is the culture that strict to dating as to where I cant even openly say we are in a relationship. Even after meeting her parents?

 

What Do I do? Where can I begin to understand and learn. Im afraid she will over react if I just tell her "I don't want to be a secret in you life but I want to be apart of it as you are apart of mine"

 

PLEASE Help! 

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Dating Turkish people is, different. They are very clanish and there's alot of heavy gossiping that goes on within families, friend circles, and society in general. Pressure! This causes the type of behaviour you are seeing now, which ushers in confusion, and they feel a need to conform to whatever they think will look good to everyone else, regardless or her own feelings and your feelings. It's like being in junior high all over again unfortunately. 

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Hi Culture, welcome!  You do not mention where you are from, as obviously your culture is very different from Turkish culture.  Honour is a big issue here, and although girls & boys are sometimes seen sitting close together in public & holding hands, they would never do so in front of their parents, or relatives or anyone who might report it to their family members.  Gossip is rife, so yes, it really does matter who knows.  Girls have been known to be killed by family members for as much as talking to a boy on the streets.

 

Even though you've been "dating" for over a year, you are still only on trial as far as her family is concerned, and she feels she must have her parents' full approval of you, before you could be considered as "in a relationship" on Facebook, and even then, that's too much of a commitment unless you are formally engaged (with parental approval).  You may not be allowed to be alone with her until married, or at least engaged. Your actions so far may have led her to feel you are being too forward, too pushy. 

 

See if you can get a chance to discuss this with her, to understand what is acceptable or not in her family's culture. Would they even consider allowing her to marry outside her culture?  As you love her so much, it would be a shame to lose her for want of understanding the cultural protocols.  I wish you luck ! smile.png

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I had many Turkish friends while studying at university - they are very communicative and friendly until it comes to relationships.. As far as I understand Turkish woman is not allowed many things to do, especially concerning relationships withh men. Romantic relationships are possible after wedding only, and the wedding gotta be approved by her parents. Why not talk to her about it in direct way? I currently date a muslim girl at online dating site and as soon as we meet and I decide I truly like her I will talk about our further relationships, her views , etc.

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Thanks for the replies everyone. I know I still have alot to learn.. I have given her the space she wants. She needs time to think and I need time to learn. I will keep my hopes up that we will work through this. 

 

@Tatertot... Maybe they do have a better man lined up for her.. If thats what She and Her parents wants then I must respect that and move on. I dont see how they took me as only a friend since we spoke a lot about marriage and her dad gave me a year to be able to engage... But if another man were the case I would like to know and not be left out hanging on to something that wouldn't ever happen.. I think I deserve atleast that much or anyone in that case.

 

@Vic081... This isn't about Facebook and status changes.. And the fact that we have been in a relationship for over a year cant be over looked.. A relationship is a relationship.. Whether you want to hid it from the world or not.. I wasnt trying to promote it all over the internet.. or catch the attention of others.. My intensions were good. But Yes I should have spoken to her about it before I did. Also a little "Could you please remove that status. I dont want my family to see it." would be all thats needed for the situation. Work together and not against. 

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Culure242, I appreciate that you are trying hard. But sometimes you have to take the Turkish part out of it, and think just about the person.

 

I agree with Meral that maybe she thinks you are being a bit pushy, but where Meral says "See if you can get a chance to discuss this with her, to understand what is acceptable or not in her family's culture" I would say "See if you can get a chance to discuss this with her, to understand what is acceptable or not in her mind".

 

I know a year (sorry - a year and 4 months) seems an eternity when you are young, but it is also a short time to decide that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Maybe she has the maturity to see this.

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Marraige isnt an issue. Im not the one who brought it up. And right now its the last on my mind. we are both mature adults.

I spoke english as they all spoke english. While learning the basics. so the lang7age barrier isnt a problem.

Well we havent been in touch with each other. Other than me sending the usual good morning and good night. So a discussion os not available for me right now.

I will just keep my chin up. Keep learning and trying to understand morE and hopefully we are able to work this out and push through it.

I thank you all for all of your input and advice.

I just need to be patient and give her and myself time to think.

Again thank you.

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  • 11 months later...

Hello, I've read everything so far. I wonder if any updates it's been a while. I just wonder because I feel like I have a similar situation to yours. I mean the beginning part where it's all going well. However, I learned early on that gossiping is a big thing, which is why they are hesitant to post pictures together and do that in a relationship thing. 

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