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Older Female Foreigner with a Younger Turkish Male based in Asia

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I have gone through pretty much all of the posts here for an answer but nothing quite exactly the same. I am Chinese (not a Muslim) in Asia and the Turkish boy has been here for work for the past few years. I am older by 5 years and he is currently 31. We have been dating for over a year now and we have gotten serious and talking about marriage. I have recently also flown to Turkey to meet with his family (and he has met mine) but unfortunately they are adamant against us having a future and instead wants to find him a suitable candidate. He wants to end the relationship now as he sees no future to this to continue. I know family ties are really strong especially in traditional family but I am reluctant to let go of something i firmly believe in. Although i also understand that love isnt the priority in muslim families. I just am not sure if I should hang on for the sake of hoping they will eventually relent since he has a couple more years here and will not be moving back to Turkey so soon. And that he is quite ready to settle down but we just dont see how we can work this out without breaking his family ties. I have going to start understanding Islam more too for the sake of the promise i have made to him and myself since we started dating and also to find peace in myself. But i cant say i am not hanging on that Allah can give us a miracle here. Anyone has seen a miracle as such happen? I think the fact that i am older than him also plays a huge part in their objection since it may not be so easy for me to conceive now. I need a glimmer of hope. So desperate that this is the first time i am actually posting on any forum for support. sad.png

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I'm sorry to say but he's an idiot. I'm a Turk living in Hong Kong. I have friends back in Istanbul married to Chinese women. I envy their relationships. They are so happy together. No friend of mine complains at all. Additionally, pretty much all the Chinese girls I met, are amazing. Especially girls from northern China. In my opinion, you should just break up and move on. He's never going to change his mind. You said yourself:

He wants to end the relationship now as he sees no future to this to continue.

 

I'm sorry to be harsh but yeah these are my honest opinions.

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Hello MM, welcome to the forum!  While parents generally won't object if their son dates a foreign woman, when it comes to marriage, it's a different ball game.   And Turkish men generally follow their parents' advice (especially mother's) in the matter of marriage.  If he loved you enough, he'd have to make the hard life decision to go against his parents' wishes, and there are not many who will disappoint their parents in this way.

 

I know it's difficult for you, but I also think you should forget this man -- he would always put his parents before you in any case.  Just step back & let him go. Don't waste any more of your precious time, find someone who will put you first.  If the man has to spend another couple of years in China, he will realize the futility of dating another Chinese girl as it would eventually lead to parental disapproval.

 

I hope you will find a man to make happy, as that should be all that's necessary for parents to approve.  Good luck! :)

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Hello, MilkMilk. Welcome to the forum. 

 

Sorry to hear about what you are going through now.

 

I don't know the situation in Singapore but in China (and I think in most part of Asia probably), family is still an important factor that affects marriage. They always say that getting married is more than just about a couple being together. It is about the union of two families. It is therefore quite common for other family members to get involved into issues that are supposed to be handled only between the couple. In Turkey, it is more or less the same I guess.  

 

That being said, I don't really like how some family members are interfering with other members' marriage lives. I believe family members should be in support of their family members' effort to keep a happy marriage and make their own judgement about what to do with their marriage instead of trying to tear couples apart.

 

Another issue is about your boyfriend's attitude. If I were to face a similar situation, I would defend my girlfriend UNLESS I don't love her that much. Parents are important but the one with whom I am going to get married is family too, and probably, the most important family member,  because she is the one with whom I am going to spend the rest of my life. If your boyfriend is "having a cold feet" just because of what his family members said, then apparently his love for is not as much as your love for him I am afriad :( 

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thanks everyone for the comments. I guess i was just hoping otherwise. Indeed i myself have thought about it too. Why would i be lesser of a family if we were planning to be serious? it really shouldnt be just a choice in that sense nor at least without putting up a good try. Instead it was merely over a span of 1-2 weeks this was then decided with few conversations with the family. Or so it seems to me. I was just hoping someone else would not echo what i have in my head but to give me some faith in trying to convince him otherwise. just a pity so much has been shared of the future and to remain steadfast and faithful and in the end i really wonder what is true out there. Regardless of the long conversations that has been discussed about the future, meaning of love etc etc.. 

 

thank u. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am in the same situation girly..... I'm an American Puerto Rican young woman 25 in love with a Turkish man 27 his mother is the one to make the decision tho of who he can be with we only have 2 months together but we are in love and he wants to ask his family to marry me....but he already has feelings and knows they wont accept his with a foreign girl ever!.... So now it feel hopeless to me.... He brought me here and made me give up my life in USA...fast. I don't have a home in USA anymore and my stuff is in storage etc. So I'm all depending on him...he is financially well off so it's not the issue but if I can't be with him he wants to help me to stay here and make.my life here....it's sad bc I love him and I wonder if I will love another man like him or if anyone here in this country will love me how I need ....

I don't want to go back to America bc I don't like the ppl there too much anymore....

I enjoy Turkey and the culture and the ppl very much .... I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.... I wish God can touch his mother's heart and give me a small chance Itkeast so she can meet me...she hasn't even met me and he's gunna ask ....it feels crazy she will obviously answer no since she doesn't know me and I'm foreign.... Ahhh so much stress I have right now why would a man fall for a forbidden woman .... So stupid.

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Meral, you are so right. I dont even think it is an option now. Or rather he isn't making it an option for me to even try to fight for it and TRY to be submissive. Bottom line is, maybe he really just din love me enough or i din give enough reasons for him to go against his family. oh well.. 

 

yabancigirl: i dont think he would have been able to tolerate it much either if she steps in too much so i wasnt very worried about that. after all he would take most of it rather than me i believe. if it had worked out.

 

natanya: i hope for the best for you but i have accepted the fact it isnt any option for me anymore since i am not given a choice but to go. I think it will be better for me in the long run too instead of being with someone who just relents to his mum. I hope your bf loves you enough to put up this fight for you but it does seem to be a little impulsive to have moved you there this fast and then to drop the bomb. that to me isnt really nice. 

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