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Age difference in Turkey, please help me!

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Hello everyone!

 

I am new to this forum and I would really appreciate your advice, especially you who are in a relationship with a Turkish guy or from anyone Turkish.

 

I am only 16 years old an I have fallen in love with a Turkish guy, his name is Erdal, when I was on vacation in Kemer.

 

I was on a holiday with my parents and siblings for the first time in Turkey and I hardly knew anything about Turkey and I didn't know that so many European girls are dating Turkish guys. After I met Erdal and have search the internet I am really surprised how many European girls actually are dating Turkish guys.

 

Anyway, we met because he worked at the resort that we were staying in.

 

Erdal is from a big modern city in Turkey and he is not Kurdish. He is a little traditional, for example he fasts during Ramadan, but he smokes and drinks alcohol and his family is quite modern compared to the more rural areas of Turkey.

He is very charming but not in the typical Turkish way, more that he has a charming way about him in the way he smiles and talks, not just to girls but to everyone. He is not a "player" and he is studying in university only working in the hotel as a summer job.

 

We talked and danced a lot and had a lot of fun and when I came home we kept in contact via Facebook and text messages. After a couple of months me and my family went to Turkey again and I couldn't be happier to see him. He was also happy to see me but after some days he said that he was worried because of our age difference. He is 22 and I'm 16, and he said that his friends and family probably wouldn't accept that we were together. We talked a lot about this and he decided that he would be with me anyway because he was so in love with me. We didn't have sex at all because I'm a virgin and he was VERY respectful and we didn't even go there, we only kissed and hugged.

 

When i got home I was of course on cloud nine, so in love and happy. We texted and he told me that he was still worried about the age difference and he said to me that he thought about it and he thought that he couldn't tell his friends and family because no one would like it so he said to me that we have to keep it like a secret for two years, until I become 18.  I didn't like it and said that he then has to lie to his friends and family about my age but he said that he didn't want to do that, so we decided that we were going to be in a very innocent almost friendship relationship for two years but not be with anyone else and see how it would be in the future and how  it would become.

 

I accepted it because I am so in love and I don't have to be with other guys, I'm not that type of girl anyway I have only had one boyfriend before and I'm a virgin.

 

So we continued to stay in contact writing each other cute messages everyday and then suddenly he was more serious and not so loving in his texts and he didn't respond so quickly, for a couple of days. So I asked him what was the matter and then he wrote me that he has to tell me something and he said: "We have to be only friends" and I said, why and he said: It's because of the age difference. i told him that why are you saying this now to me, we have been through this already and then he finally said that he had talked to his father and his father had said. "She needs to be 18 years old", and that he didn't approve of it. I was devastated because we already decided that we were going to be more than friends once and now he decides not to. We talked for a while and he was very strong about his opinion, he thinks that I am too young and we have to see if we are still in love in two years. He said that it was really hard for him to say this but that it has to be this way and he said that he was sorry many many times and he also said that we both need to know and experience more things and he said that he don't think that I would love him forever if we stayed together now.

 

I am so sad now because I am really in love with him and my parents also like him very very much, they have also bonded with him and he has texted them also and said that he was so sorry. My heart is broken...sad.png

 

So now to my question:

Is this common in Turkey? Do they think that a 5 year age difference is too much and that a 16 year old girl is too young to be in a relationship? Or is it just his family? Please, those of you who are married to or together with Turkish guys, ask your husband/boyfriend about this. I have to know how it is perceived and what you all think about all this.

 

Thanks for reading,

 

Pauline

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Hi Pauline smile.png

 

My name is Ciara and I am 18. I have been with my boyfriend Bulent for over a year now, he is 23 but was 22 when we met and I was 17. Like you I was also on holiday when I met him and he was a chef in the hotel where I was staying. Also like you I found it crazy how many Turkish men are in relationships with European girls!! Unfortunately some for the right reasons and some for wrong ones.

 

As for the age difference, I met my boyfriend in July 2013 once I returned home everyday we were constantly texting and calling similar to your situation!! I did not get to return to Turkey until April 2014 due to school and work but on this trip I did meet his family who were absolutely lovely and welcoming to me.... I was so nervous, Bulent being my first real boyfriend. By the time I met them I was already 18 so it was not a problem. I do however remember discussing with my boyfriend did his family have an issue with my age. He did say that me not being 18 was at first a little bit of an issue but as I was very close to 18 when we first met his father did not make to much of a big deal about it! I'm sure it would have been a different story if I was younger. And of course once they met me they were fine with the age difference smile.png

 

I know how hard the long distance thing is believe me especially when there is no immediate solution to the problem! I just started a four year degree so we are looking at long distance for a long while yet!! I did spend my summer in Turkey however and loved it so will probably do that next summer as well! I am from Ireland so amazingly Bulent's visit visa got approved for him to come here so he arrives on Thursday for five weeks!!! smile.png kicking%5B1%5D.gif  Basically I guess what I'm tryna prove to you is that things do work out! When I came home no one thought we would last this long but we have so keep your head up and everything will work out for the best in the long run. I know the difficulties of a long distance situation but you just need to stay strong!! smile.png

 

Ciara xx

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Thank you for your answer Ciara! 

 

I am so happy to hear about your story and that it's working out for the two of you. I am so envious...

 

I am a little surprised about this thing that they seem to think that an age difference is such a bi issue. i am from Sweden and here people have said "oh isn't he a bit too lod for you, but they doesn't feel that is't impossible.

 

I am sad because even though we are going to stay as friends I am not sure that we will still love each other or even be single in two years from now if we are not together as a couple. I really donut want to loose him, I feel he's the right one. I know that some people think that it's ridiculous of me to say that when I'm only 16 but I know for sure that I could be with him for the rest of my life. But now I almost feel like I have to forget him to even cope with it.

 

Please I would also appreciate some answers from people from Turkey, what do you feel about the age difference. 

And I wrote wrong, he is 21 not 22.

 

Pauline

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Thank you YabanciGirl!

 

So it isn't the fact about our age difference that is the problem but more that I am young and traditions, you think? Can you please explain a little more what you mean? 

So why do you think he stalking about the age difference then, he has done it since we met?

i also want to add that I spoke to one woman married to a Turkish man, who also said that they didn't see our age difference as such a problem and I told him and he then said that for his place and family the age is a problem and that it is't ok until I am 18.

 

Pauline

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Hey Pauline, Are you from France by any chance? Its more of a French name lol.

To get to your post.. Five or Six years age difference is nothing at all. And even in Muslim world this age group does not matter a lot. The only issue might be that you are 16 and being 16 is not a sin.  But it is proven by science that the changes in thinking and decision making a very wide between the ages of 18-25.

 

There is an other issue; you did not mention that what exactly you wanted to be your relationship be? I mean are you looking forward to officially marry with him or just be boyfriend girlfriend? And if you plan to marry that is going to be after how many years?? These questions are very important to ask ourself. 

 

 

Just be 18 and get married ;) simple. Just more two years wait and that's it. 

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Hello Faisal and thank you for your answer! :)

 

What did you mean with: "The only issue might be that you are 16 and being 16 is not a sin." Please explain more. 

 

I don't really know yet where this relationship is going, we have not known each other for so long, but I feel like if we were boyfriend and girlfriend for a couple of years I would like to marry him. I feel that he is the one and I am also willing to wait for him for two years if I have to. So yes I am looking forward to marrying him in the future. :)

 

But my issue is why he is talking so much about the age difference when people here says that the age difference is not a problem? If I understand what some of you are saying it isnät the difference between us, but more the fact that I am only 16 years old that is the problem?

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Pauline, if he keeps mentioning the age difference, then he either sees it as a problem or is using it as an excuse not to get too serious with you.  Or possibly, he just doesn't want to rush things so it's convenient that you are "only 16", so he's trying to encourage you to wait & see if you still feel the same way when you are 18? 

 

Remember he's only 21 himself, and although that might sound very mature to you (from a 16 standpoint), it's still pretty young for a guy.  He may want some time for himself too.  As Faisal suggests -- simply wait a couple of years, pass the time pleasantly by getting to know each other better.  Remember the old adage : "Marry in haste....repent at leisure".  Good luck to you. :)

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Hello Meral and thank you for your answer. :)

 

Yes I have been thinking about those options too, maybe he is just using it as an excuse.... I don't know really but i think it is some sort of excuse. Not that he don't like me but more that he maybe thinks that we both are too young and that he want to do and meet more people until he gets more serious with someone. and he actually also told me that he thinks that we both need to know more, so....

 

Ok I really appreciate all of your answers and I will think about what to do next.  

 

if anyone else would like to answer feel free to do so, I want as many answers as possible. :)

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Hey,

 

What I meant by my sentence was simply that you are sixteen and the parents of boy would consider you to be very young.

 

 

Look Paulina I have learnd a very simple thing in my life.. There is Either yes or no. There is nothing in between. So the best thing is to ask him directly. What he exactly wants? And ask him to be very honest with you?

 
IF he wishes to continue the relationship. Just enjoy the time and wait for a couple of years and see what happens. Otherwise just move on in your life. This is not the end of life yet... But ask him to be honest and see what he has to say about it? First make him believe that whatever he will say wont hurt you in anyway and you are big enough to deal with situations. Then let him say what he has to say.

 

 

Regards

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wow. ok i think the voice of reason needs to step in here: don't waste your youth thinking about marriage. this isn't the 18th century, people live past 35 nowadays. there's no reason to even consider marriage before 25 or even 30 (and if you look at the statistics marriages between people who are younger than that are doomed to fail). yes, the idea of an "exotic" relationship sounds wonderful, but you're not even close to ready for the reality of it. women much older than you have been burned time and time again by this exact same fantasy (and that's exactly what it is). i guarantee he's not waiting for you, he's not "saving himself" for you, so why torture yourself? don't ruin your life. date. date people close to you, geographically. enjoy your youth while you have it. you WILL regret it otherwise.

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Hey Pauline, someone I can finally relate to!

I was too in a very familar situation I have been with my Turkish boyfriend, now fiance! For just over a year. We met whilst I was on holiday in Kusadasi and I was just 16 and he was just 24, nothing came of us whilst I was on holiday however a few nights he showed me around the town but nothing dodgey!

My parents agreed to let me and go and stay with him and his family for a week at the end of the season! And he has been to England twice and staye at our home, and I have just returned from Turkey (where I have been for 3 months!) and now going through his visa process again (HATE, so stressful)

But he respects my mum and dad sooooo much and would never go behind their backs, he asked them if he could give me a ring on my birthday last week, and although he'd spent 3 months at our home in England, the night of our engagment was the first time they had ever seen him kiss me (I think that shouts respct) He has a fantastic relationship with all my family, and the age different of nearly 9 years is never a problem!!

Now I am in the position I am, I hate when people think all Turkish men are love rats because it is so unfair to those who are genuine!

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To Danielleat, Faisal and istanbulWhiteboy!

 

 

Hello Danielleat!

 

I am so happy for you and your boyfriend! Of course there are many many Turkish guys who are genuine and loving and I am so happy to hear about that you and your boyfriend are happy together.

 

 

Unfortuately me and Erdal are not...and I am now starting to believe that maybe it isnät the age difference that is the problem but more tha thing that I am only 16.

I don't really know where to go from here but er are ot together as a couple right now.

 

But you didn't mention, was your young age never a problem to your boyfriend or his parents?

 

Thank you for your respond


Hello Faisal and thank you for a second answer, how nice of you! smile.png

 

I have asked him and he says that we cannot be together. He thinks that I am too young and that we need to be friends first, so there is nothing I can do right now. But I am really sad.

 

I think I have to move on with my life so, what else can I do?

 

Maybe we will be more than friends in the future, maybe not.

 

Thanks!

 

Hello IstanbulWhiteboy!

 

I am not thinking about marriage at all, I just responded to a question that someone asked about marriage. And i don't have a fantasy about an exotic relationship I am quite exotic myself so, that's not the reason why I want to be with him.

 

I was on a vacation with my parents and siblings just to relax and enjoy the arm weather, I didn't even know that European girls/woman are dating so many Turks, this is all very very knew to me and I was actually really chocked when I found this page and read about how many European woman have met Turkish guys. This was my first trip to Turkey and I wasn't even thinking about that I could meet someone there.

 

I just accidentally fell in love, it just happened.

 And also I know that he is not saving himself for me, of course he has been with many girls, I know this already.

 

And i am still in love with him so to even think about dating someone else right now is not an option.

 

But thank you anyway for your respond.

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