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Should I Lend Money to a Friend or Not?

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Today a very good friend of mine texted me, asking me to lend him some money. Normally I don't hesitate much if the amount is acceptable since he is a really good friend. We have a long history of friendship and our homes are very close to each other. But I was still shocked when he asked for 20,000 dollars. 20,000 dollars may not be a very huge amount but it is not a small amount anyway. 

 

I never mean to doubt him. I believe him. I really do. But I had experienced several times when some "friends" borrowed money from me and they never bothered to pay back, and I was too ashamed to ask my money back. It was just several thousand so later I decided to just let it go. When it comes to this amount, these memories start to haunt me. 

 

I was quite panicked when he asked for loan from me and somehow I said yes. But now I start to worry. I wanted to keep my promise but I also worry about wasting money and losing friendship at the same time. But if I don't lend this money to him, our friendship is still at risk. He said he is going to pay me back after a while (he didn't specify when). Then I did a little calculation based on his earnings, and the numbers don't really match. It literally will take ages for him to accumulate this amount of money. 

 

So...

I would like to hear your opinion about this situation. Should I lend him money or not? I am feeling quite guilty now because somehow I sound like not trusting him. Does this really make me an awful friend?

 

PS: I did ask what he need this money for. He said he bought a house but he used his credit card for his down payment. He has to pay back this money before the interest-free period expires. 

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That's alot to borrow. Find out which bank it is, then go to the bank with him and negotiate to pay some debt off of his credit card if you really want to. This might leave a paper trail & if his situation is real then you know you won't be getting scammed.

 

You're a good friend for considering to help him but too many people have been scammed in similar situations here.

 

This guy is very bad with his finances. Who buys property with a credit card?

 

As well how does he have such a great overdraft limit on his card? Does that match his salary and savings? That's a red flag eyebrow%5B1%5D.gif

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DO NOT loan him the money. Find any excuse not to. An unexpected tax bill, family member needs operation, anything to get out of it. I have lost LOTS of money making loans to friends in this country. Not one has ever paid me back anything. And it has ruined a few friendships.

 

What I have to laugh about is when I first got to Turkey. The person I relieved told me "always remember one thing. Never loan money to a Turk." But I did, and now I'm telling you the same thing. You are going to lose the money, and your friend if you do it. Even if you get a senet (promissory note), collecting will be a real pain, and you will probably not get it all back. And you'll still lose your friend.

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I'm with Ken, do not lend him any money. If he was able to pay it back he could take out a loan from a bank. Any excuse will do but you will never see your money back if you lend it to him.

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Thank you all for your advice. After one night's sleep, I feel I am thinking more clearly now. I don't think I will lend him money. At least not this amount. I'll figure out how to refuse without hurting his feelings.

 

Yabancigirl, you are right. I have the same doubts. How can someone buy a house with a credit card? At first I thought it was a scam so I asked him to send me a voice message, which he did and it turned out that it was him. But still, I feel at a loss about the situation.

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if the mortgage is transferable have it put into your name. then the house is yours until he pays you back, and if he doesn't, you've got yourself a nice piece of real estate for 20,000
if it's not transferable don't be a sucker

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Thank you all for your advice. After one night's sleep, I feel I am thinking more clearly now. I don't think I will lend him money. At least not this amount. I'll figure out how to refuse without hurting his feelings.

 

Yabancigirl, you are right. I have the same doubts. How can someone buy a house with a credit card? At first I thought it was a scam so I asked him to send me a voice message, which he did and it turned out that it was him. But still, I feel at a loss about the situation.

 

As well that's a high amount of disposable income to have available on a credit card, mine isn't even that much :( I agree with the guys don't lend to him, something is off.

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if the mortgage is transferable have it put into your name. then the house is yours until he pays you back, and if he doesn't, you've got yourself a nice piece of real estate for 20,000

if it's not transferable don't be a sucker

 

Excellent point. If I was to loan money to anyone here, I'd get a valuable piece of property as collateral. If the person is so sure that he's going to pay me back, then he won't mind. It is very common for expats to be approached for loans by Turks after a friendship is established. It has happened to me on multiple occasions, and as I said, I got stiffed every time.

 

If I owe somebody money, it bothers me until I pay it back. And I pay it back as quickly as I can. I assumed it was the same with the Turks who borrowed money from me. What I found was that, once they had the money, I was the last person they were going to pay back because I was their friend.

 

In the last conversation I had with a former friend who I loaned money to, he explained that he fully intended to pay me back, as soon as he won the lottery. And he was very sure he would win the lottery because he had been a good person and therefore, Allah was going to reward him by making him a lottery winner. Apparently, he still hasn't won the lottery.

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Hey Conan ,

 

I must say you have a heart of Gold . First of all no one goes and places a deposit by means of  a credit card to buy a house, unless he has a great credit history or a millionaire.. Secondly no one picks up a house without having in place an installment plan for the rest of the balance payments. Please for God's sake do not buy this bizarre story and put yourself in this position as 20 grand is quite a substantial amount . You'll  definitely lose this money as it is written on the wall, and definitely going to leave a bad taste . To-date all loans I ever given to friends and family were never returned fully as I had to forego the major part..

 

Please give him some excuse ,  say " you have invested your savings in stocks while you can not off load at the present levels as the market is down and can not afford to take a loss." 

 

Wise are those who learn from other's mistakes . I wish I had some friends to advice me while I was your age , You should consider yourself lucky.

 

Will be seeing you in Adana hopefully soon !

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Don't do it, Conan! And don't feel bad about not doing it.

 

Your friend probably really believes he will pay you back but he hasn't done the sums that you have done and it is sure, it won't add up. I had the same thing happen to me - a friend asked me out of the blue to lend him 20 000 euros and he would pay me back in 6 months, 2 000 euros per month (yes!) I pointed out to him that 1) he didn't even earn 2000 TL per month let alone 2000 euros spare to pay me back, and that 2) 6 monthly payments of 2 000 euros didn't add up to 20 000 euros! And then 3) that unfortunately I  had no money at all as I had sent all my money back "home" to my family to pay for an operation for my uncle.

 

I agree it is not a nice thing to happen when it is a friend and it can create awkwardness for a while but it will blow over. Turkish people understand that family commitments come first so lie through your teeth and save your friendship and your money!

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In the last conversation I had with a former friend who I loaned money to, he explained that he fully intended to pay me back, as soon as he won the lottery. And he was very sure he would win the lottery because he had been a good person and therefore, Allah was going to reward him by making him a lottery winner. Apparently, he still hasn't won the lottery.

Ken, sorry about this but this "he was very sure he would win the lottery because he had been a good person and therefore, Allah was going to reward him by making him a lottery winner. " really made me laugh out loud. I've seen people refuse to pay back their debts but I've never seen anyone refusing in this way.

 

And, everyone, thank you all for giving me all these suggestions!!smile.png smile.png I think I know what to do now. Raja, you are right. I am really lucky to have someone give me advice about these issues. 

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Always have a handy excuse for not lending money. Then make recommendations of where else your friend might get the money. That way you get out of the loan while still maintaining a spirit of friendship. I learned this far too late unfortunately.

 

Good point Vic, In a few cases it was like that for me. My friend was overly-optimistic about his ability to pay. But what really irked me was when I went to his house and saw the new home entertainment system he had just bought, and his new car. Obviously these things were farther up on his priority list than paying me back was.

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But what really irked me was when I went to his house and saw the new home entertainment system he had just bought, and his new car. Obviously these things were farther up on his priority list than paying me back was.

 

I even had a "friend" who once borrowed me 3 grands. Whenever he gets paid, his priority is not to pay back the money, but to go to the gambling center and spend all. I asked our common friends, and it turned out I was not the only "victim". Some people just don't have the idea of how to earn people's trust.  

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hey Conan!

   I ll tell u from my experience. My ex boyfriend said the same to me... He was in big debt to pay it back... He said that sb cheated on him in business and if he won't pay he ll go to prison and was kinda of manipulating me and taking advantage of my good heart plus he knew I have money... he was opening restaurant with his good friend... and promised me that he ll pay me back money in August. At first he wanted 10000 euro after second thought I lent him 2500 Euro thinking that I ll check what person he is ... I went to Turkey to visit him... He didn't treat me well at this time already I left and he stopped to talk to me... I found out he has new local girl... Then we had big fight when I asked him to pay me back he even said that he ll count that money for my stay in Turkey(imagine which real man ll say that?)... So August came he is promising he ll pay and offering friendship but nothing on my account... When I asked him again now in September he just totally stopped to talk to me and respond to my messages... I would never give those ppl any money... especially that big amount I m telling from my experience... DO NOT DO IT unless u wanna lose that money... If he is real friend he ll stay ur friend... no matter what... Sometimes they just spend there money on really stupid things once they have them and don't save anything... and they think that if u have money u can give it to them... When it comes to money be very careful... PLS DONT LEND IT!


Some of those ppl are friends or boyfriends just because of money... Once they get what they want they disappear from ur live... ITs sad that this kinda of ppl exist on that planet but its true... !!! Sometimes they ll be just telling u b*llsh*t stories and then will use u and suck ur last euro and then go away and once u asked them ll be very very rude and disrespectful and its only headache for u later as I noticed they don't even worry much abt what they did... No honour, no morals, no values and pride... And look I m a woman and guy did that to me... Its even more painful... At the end of the day all my family and friends say its just money and i helped but he is the one who ll be living with what he did till the end of his day and looking at the mirror every day thinking how disgusting person he is... DONT LOAN!

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Yes, it was hard  but life lesson I guess... I texted him again today inspired by that forum here asking if he stole that money or he is planning to pay it back and if he does I asked him abt the time plus I said that person who has intention to pay debt at least say that don't have and give another time to repay or try to pay at least  sth to show that he wants.... His reply is: wait ok... That's it.. So u see how it works... Sometimes even the level of intelligence doesn't match as sb said first u need to understand how finances works... I wonder how they don't feel ashamed...

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I don't think they feel ashamed because they came with bad intentions in the first place, not to get an honest loan but to see how much they can milk out of you. Conan's friend story has holes, it's not genuine unfortuantely. He could never have had such a large overdraft on his credit card to begin with, since his finances are bad. As well who buys property with a credit card? Bad intentions = Red flags.

 

The person who is generous enough to give a no-interest-loan when you need it, is one of the persons to hold dear, not to screw over. Instead of being grateful, some people are so greedy that they can't see furthur than what's in front of them.

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If Conan's story appears to have holes, I would think it more likely that his friend is exaggerating or making up a story just to get the money.  Who of us hasn't heard the stories made up ..... of grandma needing an urgent operation, ot the fridge or washing machine is broken & needs a new one .... whatever.   The friend must think Conan will believe it & feel sorry for him & help him because he's a good friend (?). 

 

In any case, we are both speculating.  It's never a good idea to lend such a large amount to someone who presents with an incredible story. :)

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A lot of the people around Incirlik Air Base ask for loans from the military folks after befriending them. There is usually a dramatic story, and the amount is about what the maximum is that you can get out of an ATM in one go. And they have no conscience about it.

 

I concluded that for them it was a matter of social justice that goes something like this:

 

"You have money. I don't. This is unjust. Therefore, it is just for me to have some of your money. After all, I am your friend, and friends are supposed to share with their friends, so my keeping your money is even more just and fair."

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In Islam there is a rule of charity called Zakah. I wonder if they think they feel entitled to other's earnings? Maybe we should ask them for Zakah too kicking%5B1%5D.gif

 

Zakah - A society can flourish only when its members do not spend all their wealth to fulfil their own desires but reserve a portion of it for parents, relatives, neighbors, the poor and the debilitated. The concept of charity in Islam is thus linked with justice. It is not limited to the redressal of grievances. It implies apart from the removal of handicaps, the recognition of the right that every human being has to attain the fullness of life. 

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I didn't know that. It makes sense that that would have something to do with it, because when I've loaned money and not been paid back, the other person wasn't embarrassed about it at all, was still quite friendly, and I seemed to play a role of the greedy bad guy for asking to be paid back, as if I was kicking him when he was down.

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I'm just speculating but that could be it. As well Ken you did mention your friend was waiting for Allah to help him win the lottery to pay you back, so maybe this Zakah gives them a free pass to 'take', it's kind of Robin-Hood isn't it. huh.png

 

Islam is strict but gives lots of free passes to do stuff that is unacceptable to most of us. 

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I think you're right.

 

And I think this is why it is such a good idea to always have a compelling reason handy to explain why you can't loan money to your friend.

 

It becomes "I am unable to loan you money" instead of "I refuse to loan you money."

 

And also to show some concern that your friend does find the money somewhere, as in making suggestions or trying to help him or her find the money from somewhere else. That way you don't come across as someone who values money more than friendship--and you don't lose your money--and you don't lose your friend.

 

And six months or a year from now you'll see your friend after not loaning him the money, and he'll be doing just fine anyway!

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