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Relationship between British girl & turkish guy Advice please

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Hi everyone, 

I'm very new to this so please bare with me, I have been reading some of your threads for the last few months and playing with the thought of asking for some advice for myself.

Finally got the courage to throw my story out there and hope some of you could give me some honest opinions and help me out. So here go's ....

 

So I am in a relationship with a Turkish man I met whilst on holiday in Marmaris at the beginning of October last year, I am supposed to visit him a week today.

I will firstly explain how we met as much as I know how wrong it was and I know most of you will be appalled but please hear me out.

 

I'll start at the very beginning I'm a 21 year old Scottish girl, I was on holiday in Marmaris Oct 13 with my partner of 7 years (been together since we were 14 and we had a very turbulent relationship and many reasons why we should not have been together) we actually booked the holiday as a last resort to fixing our relationship but it became quite the opposite and we spent most of the holiday apart, him spending 95% of the week drunk (which is fine he was on holiday after all ) but making no effort with me at all and getting seriously drunk to the point of me having to look after him for example One night we went out for drinks in seven brothers bar and he locked himself in the toilet too drunk to help himself the staff actually had to kick the door down :|!!!!! anyway So after spending 4 days at each others throat and me wanting to cut the holiday short I decided to stay down at the hotel bar myself, I sat there until closing time having a laugh with the staff and a few other guests, a couple of them were going to a nightclub afterwards and offered me to come along, so I accepted headed back to my room for a quick change my partner was passed out and so I headed out I had an amazing time have never laughed in such a long time. That night one of the guys who worked at the hotel bar had really caught my eye, so handsome and he was really funny and I felt myself being drawn to him almost, So having had a bit too much to drink myself at this point I decided to speak to him and asked him if he wanted to leave the club and go for a walk he didn't speak brilliant English but he must have understood as he followed me anyway we walked about for a bit, I felt so attracted to him, really wanted to kiss him but just then as I was having these thoughts it all kind of hit home for me what I was doing was so wrong, I was so drunk that I started crying and he held me looking so worried asking me over and over what was wrong and to smile, he wiped my tears gave me his jacket in case I was cold, all the while asking me what was wrong, Crying I asked him to take me back to my hotel which he did with no hesitation on the walk back to the hotel he kept asking why I was sad and asking me never to cry and only to be happy I couldn't explain why I was upset because his English wasn't great I wasn't sure he would understand, We got back to the hotel and I just said goodbye quickly and basically ran back to my room, my partner at the time still fast asleep having no idea where I had been, The next morning we had booked a boat trip, I spent the full day on that boat thinking about him and trying to think of excuses to talk to him again. When we got back to the hotel I found myself looking for him even though I tried to hide it, I was elated when my partner asked me if we could sit in the hotel that night with another couple we knew there. All night I was on the edge of my seat hoping I would see him, It was getting late my partner was again very very drunk and had spent all they money he had left so had to go to the bank just as he left with 2 other guys we were sitting with the man I had been searching for all night came up from behind me and asked me If I was okay, I had butterflies in my stomach the lot I felt like a giggly little school girl!! the remainder of that night we kept having eye contact and cheeky smiles, I'll be honest I had forgotten my partner was even gone when I remembered I went up to our hotel room to find him passed out empty bottle of whisky at his feet. I sat out on the balcony trying to clear my head and telling myself I had to forget about him. Just then I heard whistling, I had the urge to look behind me willing It to be the turkish waiter but I knew I was just fantasising until someone whistled 3 more times I turned round and It was him!!!!!!!!

My heart Skipped a beat. he waved to me then said 'good night' blew me a kiss and left. I hardly slept a wink all night my head was buzzing my heart was fluttering I had no idea what was happening to me I can assure you I am not the hopeless romantic type. The following day I had a word with my partner told him how I felt about his drunk behaviour and asked him since this would be our last night in Marmaris If he would mind not drinking too much and actually try to have a good time together ( I had already made it clear to myself that I was not going to think/look for this Turkish guy I knew it was so wrong and foolish of me to even contemplate it to be anything more than it was) during the day by the pool I seen him at the bar but I didn't stare at him or smile nothing just acted as normally, He brought my drinks over from the bar I thanked him as I had every other member of staff and walked away even though I could feel myself die a little inside, By mid day my partner was again absolutely sloshed. We had booked to have Our pictures taken and he could hardly even stand up for them, I had to take him up stairs at 8:30pm because he was so drunk falling asleep at the table I sat in the hotel room until 9.30 myself Then I decide I was not spending my last night of vacation in that way, I put my partner In the recovery position In case he was sick and went to the bar alone. around 10 o'clock I was just about to head up to my room to pack our cases when another guy who worked behind the bar came over and told me to meet 'Fatih' at the super market in 10 minutes, I did not know anything about this and did not even know for sure it was him but on a whim I went. It was him he asked me if I would like to go to bar street with him he had taken the night off work and he would like to take me out and wanted me to meet his friends. I didn't even think twice and I went, We partied all night long I met a few of his friends and one of his friends girlfriends who happened to be English and I got on really great with her and she could speak Turkish so she helped me get to know him and she translated for me also, after the club the other couple and us both took a lovely walk around the marina, sat in a park, went to a kebab shop before getting a taxi back to the hotel. It was a wonderful night I felt  was on cloud 9!! He asked to add me on Facebook and for my number, I got the English girl to tell him i would add him on Facebook and asked her to describe my current relationship status and that I was grateful for everything but I had a boyfriend, He nodded and I could see he understood He then told me He felt really special about me and has never met anyone so beautiful but he respected my relationship. He walked me to the stairs kissed my hand and I said good bye, I knew I would never see him again and Did not want to miss the chance to kiss him so I basically ran back over and Had the most passionate kiss I have ever had my whole entire life. I did not want It to end he looked so shocked as I blew him a kiss and walked into my hotel he just stood there looking ahead like a lost puppy. When I got to my room My partner was awake and we had a blazing row, I packed our cases and went to sleep the next morning our transfer to airport was at 9am my partner and I did not exchange any words that morning, another couple we had met there was leaving on the same transfer as us so we met up with them downstairs while waiting, Fatih appeared at the hotel my face dropped. He smiled at me and walked over to speak to me I mouthed no and he nodded as if he understood and still he waited when the bus came my partner left me with all the cases and luggage got on the bus and sat down did not even look back at me, Fatih came over helped me put my bags on the bus and then just waved at me with a petted lip and said 'please Facebook me as soon as you are home', even as the bus pulled away he waited waving and blew me a kiss. It was heart breaking I could feel my eyes well up. As we boarded the plane I sat holding the tears back as wee took off the tears just rolled down my cheeks no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. Over the course of the following days being back at home we exchanged messages and were able to have actual conversations using translating websites and I tried to pretend I didn't care telling him It was just a holiday romance as lovely as it was and that I had a Life here ect. He persisted no matter how stand offish I was. I Only lasted a few days when I eventually had to tell my partner what was going on as I was so guilt ridden, He was angry and yes he brought me down to nothing told me how worthless I am that I was just a number to this guy I was talking to, I knew he had a valid point. We had our own house together at this point and Neither of us could afford to move out so we remained living together yet not together as a couple, It lasted 2 months he made my life a living hell anything he could do to hurt me or make my life difficult he did it. All the while Fatih continued to message me daily, Skype me and we talked on the phone when we could I could feel myself falling head over heels but I did not show this to him. So I moved in with my grandparents and wrote my relationship with my partner off completely and I tell you It was a very long time coming.

Wow that was a very long winded story I thank anyone who Is still reading lol!! I hope you now have a rough idea of how we met, the situation and that I have now separated from my partner at the time. 

Its been about 6 months or so now, Myself and Fatih are now 'in a relationship' have been for a few months. We have spoken about our future, including cultural differences ect. We both seem to understand the difficulties Involved in a long distance relationship and other aspects of our relationship that might cause 'issues' I have read many of the threads on here and they have answered many questions for me, aswell as made me ask a lot of questions also, I have read other peoples story's of happy relationships as well as some not so happy endings unfortunately, I would like to think I have a sensible head on regardless of how infatuated I may seem I assure you I have not taken these decisions lightly I have spent many hours reading forums such as these along with countless news articles and talking to people in a similar situation. My friends think I am crazy and think I threw my 7 year relationship away for a holiday romance, they did not know of the long standing problems we faced as a couple, My family adored my Ex just as much and also did not know of these problems and The unhappiness we were very good at 'keeping up appearances'. At the moment I am facing a decision whether I should follow my heart and go, I would love to see him again and when I was with him before he was a Lovely guy who made me laugh, I believe after spending 1/3 of my lifetime (the best years of my life) with the wrong person who abused me and took away every ounce of confidence I had I have not much else to lose, I have lost many of my best friends very young and I believe Life is to short to live with what ifs any more I want to live in the moment. Worst comes to worst I can get a flight and head home and never look back. Although If I decide to do this Its going to have consequences and possibly destroy a few friendships, My family wont like It but they wont stop me or love me any less.

For this reason I would have to go alone, which I am fine with I'm a fairly independent girl, I've looked after myself and my younger brother since I was 12 living with my Violent alcoholic mother. I'm not saying this makes me wise or any more sensible I have read about a lot of really sensible people getting caught up in the heat of the moment and giving up everything for a new romance. I honestly feel like its Only a weeks holiday to get to spend some time together get to know each other a little better ect.

I should Also add that he is 25 and from Konya who does work in the tourist area of Marmaris.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and I thank anyone In advance for helping me out, Oh and anyone who's taken the time to read my life story lol. 

 

kindest regards xxx

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Statistically 99.9% of the guys working in the tourist areas are bad news, my advice would be, Run! In the rest of Turkey you're more likely to find quality men just as good looking, with good values & morals; 50% chance at least.

 

The fact that you've posted looking for opinions, tells me that you have doubts in your mind but you're willing to take the risk anyway.  Posted Image  

 

Good luck &  Posted Image

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Whatever happens, it sounds as if you are well out of that 7 year relationship. 

I would recommend caution in this new relationship especially as it started on the rebound and was a holiday romance, which are always suspect.

I think that meeting him again would help you to make your mind up. Try not to treat it as party time all the time and to find out as much as you can about what his family life is like. I do know that Konya is a very conservative/religious town. It's certainly not like the coastal resorts, with all sorts of cultural restrictions.

 

If your relationship develops and you did marry him would he expect you to live in Konya as Turks have strong family ties? In a way, this is a strength as they often work together for the benefit of the family but there you probably wouldn't be able to wear t-shirts or thin tops even in the heat of summer and def. no miniskirts. There are not many foreigners there and you may not be allowed out on your own. It can be very lonely at times not having someone from your own country to speak to who understand your culture, even if you are madly in love with your partner. Turkish people do not understand our need for space and privacy at times.

He works in a holiday resort as a waiter. How would he be able to support you, as you probably wouldn't be able to work until you got Turkish citizenship, after 3 years of marriage?

Would you be happy for 'the family' to make decisions about your life, as everything is discussed within the family? If he is the eldest child in his family he would have responsibility to help his family financially even though you didn't have much money yourselves - the family would expect you to be rich, all foreigners are rich!

If he is not the eldest child then he would be expected to defer to his older brothers.

If you think of bringing him to the UK you would need an income of at least £18,600 as well as somewhere to live and he would have to pass an English test before he could even apply for a visa. You can find more about that in the appropriate section on the forum.

I've only scraped the surface of how life with a Turk could be here but it will do for  starters. :)

I know that you are only coming out for a weeks holiday but you need to think about these things if you are considering a future with him.

Enjoy your holiday.

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Hi sunny! Thank you so much for all your wonderful advice, these are all things I have considered and talked about with him, he's so laid back he's all most laying down it's all my family would love you don't worry I have spoken with his brother on the phone and can't speak barley any turkish but have skypes and said hello to his mother who seemed to be very nice, I have been taking this as slow as I can i don't want to rush anything he knows this and is comfortable going at a speed I am happy with, as much as he talks about our future that he is planning I always remind him that he does not know me and that we should not run in this relationship before we can walk, he seems to understand and is fine with this. I really appreciate all your points and I will certainly take them all into consideration. At this moment I am going in 6 days to marmaris to stay for a week not planning on partying just to get to know each other and spend some time together just two of us before we make any more decisions regarding our future. Again thank you for all your help, I will post an update when I am home hopefully will have some clarification hehe! Kind regards xxxx

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Hi VEronica..

Did you ever think about writing for mills and Boone?!

Firstly, am envious that you are heading out to Marmaris how lucky, I won't be back out there till late June, and then only for three months.

I agree with Sunny, whatever happens at least you have escaped the relationship you got buried in with your ex, you're too young to be counting the last seven years as " the best years of your life", trust me- you haven't seen anything yet! And it sounds like you were probably looking for a way out.

The warnings about the stereotypical male in the resorts leisure industry go hand in hand with the industry as it is, your eyes are open and you are a big girl, so play it by ear, nobody on here can say you should do this or not do that.

Your 21, you're going to a great place to see a guy you might like, you've gotten out of a seven year long abusive relationship, the suns gonna shine, celebrate lady and enjoy yourself!

Just one thing,A word to the wise, over the years I've learned this........

If something appears/ sounds too good to be true........then it probably is!

I had fun on the way to learning that tho!;)

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Hey veronica,

 

I don't normally post I usually just browse but I decided to reply because our stories are quite similar. I met my boyfriend around nine months ago while I was in Kusadasi with my friends family, he was one of the chefs in the hotel kitchen. I haven't seen him since then sadly because work, school and money have gotten in the way. :P I am finally getting to go back this Saturday for a week! I'm bringing the family in tow so everyone will finally get to meet eachother, dad will finally be put at ease getting to meet him and I have been told I have to meet his family... So nervous!! Haha it's been a tough nine months and I have missed him alot but I have been super busy so it doesn't seem like it's been that long! I'm eighteen and he is twenty two. I hope all goes well for you and congrats on getting out of your previous relationship. :)

 

Best wishes,

I hope you have a great time.

Ciara x x 

 

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What a story! Your ex sounds awful so you're well shot of him. 

 

I wish you luck with your new boyfriend, I think you're going to need it. I don't mean to sound funny but do you ever wonder whether the way you got together will cause you issues in the future? I mean with him possibly not trusting you. 

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Hi and welcome.

I would like to say I agree with the above but your story is similar to mine although I was 28 at the time. The one thing I did notice was that you mention his English wasn't fluent. Communication to me is a priority and although my other half's is excellent we still have our moments of miscommunication. You need to ask yourself are you doing this to find an excuse to get out of a relationship that's not working or do you have genuine feelings for this guy. The advice about actually being in a relationship mentioned above is good advice remain open eyed and move forward with caution.

My story in brief - met in Marmaris (was in a horrible relationship) continued to see each other. He came over on a visitor visa - long story short 3 years later we tied the knot yesterday and couldn't be happier! Little baby on the way too! There are some happy endings xx

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Thankyou all for your wise advice, i really appreciate it and the time you took to help me out also for reading my short novel (lol), yeah I'm glad it gave me the b***'s to leave him and I suppose it does make me question if he would have issues down the line. He says he understands and to be honest he can recount many a incidents he witnessed while we were holidaying there including when my partner pushed me the pool from behind my back slapped off the freezing water and then when I tried to clime out he put his foot on my forehead to keep me underwater ( I should add that I cannot swim and panicked majorly) other holiday go-ers actually helped me out and have me there towels while he laughed histerically. Anyway not dwelling on that god forsaken relationship lol! I can assure you at the first warning sign of my new relationship heading in that directing I will run FAST! His english has gotten much better but still not perfect so yeah I can totally agree communication is key. I would definetly say I have feelings for him, but after everything I have experienced I am very very wary and sorry to say I am questioning him & everyone else in my life actions. My outlook on life has changed and I have been living a very ' there's no benefit for me out of this so I quit' life for a couple of months it's not the bitter type of person I want to be I'm genuinely not that kind of person however much I may come across that way. Moving ahead with caution is definetly words I would use and I am just hoping even if this doesn't work out that a week in the sun with someone intresting and fun may lift my spirits and return me to my once self. I know that's a lot to ask for from 1 weeks holiday with someone who's almost a stranger but it's most certainly the one thing I think may need, if we don't get on or I get into trouble I'll grab a flight home and never look back. I am very happy to have heard from wah. Of you and again thanks!! Totally glad to hear a happy ending and from others in/ have been in my situation. THANKYOU! I owe you all a drink if we ever meet in marmaris lol! Xxxx

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Wishing u all the best for a happy future with or without this new guy. A holiday always does help being life into perspective but it is just that a holiday. Try not to get the holiday blues when I come home as that will cloud your judgement. Long distance relationships are hard and you'll be tested but anyone can be unfaithful wherever they live. Remember you're still young so go live life the way U want. You only get one chance it's not a practice run. Things to look out for during your week - does he spoil you I.e take you out and pay (or does he expect u to) not saying money is everything but it might give you an idea about his finance.

Ask the same questions you would a bloke in your own country.

Be safe - have you're eye on another b&b just in case you feel uncomfortable or don't like the situation you can pack your bag and go Xx

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Forget that he's Turk...  You were in a 7 year abusive relationship.  Now, you're in another dramatic situation (even if he proves to be a good guy).

 

My suggestion???  TAKE TIME OFF FROM MEN and work on yourself first.  The fact that you were 14 and with a guy for SEVEN years, yet your parents were clueless means that you were/are not close to them.  I'm willing to bet you came from drama as a kid and you are attracted to it now. 

 

Am I right???

 

My guess is you are a magnet for drastic situations and are co-dependent.  If he's working the tourist areas, that means he's not educated.  Would you pick a British guy of the same caliber for yourself?  Just because he's "exotic" doesn't mean he's marriage material for you.

 

You are young.  Be selfish and think about YOU and not about some MAN. 

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If your relationship develops and you did marry him would he expect you to live in Konya as Turks have strong family ties? In a way, this is a strength as they often work together for the benefit of the family but there you probably wouldn't be able to wear t-shirts or thin tops even in the heat of summer and def. no miniskirts. There are not many foreigners there and you may not be allowed out on your own. It can be very lonely at times not having someone from your own country to speak to who understand your culture, even if you are madly in love with your partner. Turkish people do not understand our need for space and privacy at times.

He works in a holiday resort as a waiter. How would he be able to support you, as you probably wouldn't be able to work until you got Turkish citizenship, after 3 years of marriage?

Would you be happy for 'the family' to make decisions about your life, as everything is discussed within the family? If he is the eldest child in his family he would have responsibility to help his family financially even though you didn't have much money yourselves - the family would expect you to be rich, all foreigners are rich!

If he is not the eldest child then he would be expected to defer to his older brothers.

If you think of bringing him to the UK you would need an income of at least £18,600 as well as somewhere to live and he would have to pass an English test before he could even apply for a visa. You can find more about that in the appropriate section on the forum.

I've only scraped the surface of how life with a Turk could be here but it will do for  starters. Posted Image

 

You've hit the nail on the head, this is really great advice for anyone thinking about moving here to be with someone. When I first came to Turkey I was already married for years & didn't have a clue of what I was in for!!! I remember when I first came to Turkey I couldn't find the toilet Posted Image   then I was informed, well this is what a traditional Turkish toilet is, a hole in the floor. You missed out that one Sunny Posted Image  Also there's little or no privacy & you just have to roll with it, after all you're in someone else's home. When I arrived my in laws unpacked my suitcases & put all my things in the cupboard, nosey but nice. My first Ramdan festival here, random neighbours would enter the house & enter my room at 4-5am while I was sleeping to see' I swear it was like national geographic! Posted Image  it was not fun Posted Image

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Tater tot - I don't mean to cause offence or start a row so please don't take this the wrong way but I was quite taken aback by your comments underneath my one. I know they weren't aimed at me but as open forum I'd like to respond.

I think it was a bit harsh to say that Veronica is a magnet for drama. Considering you don't know her situation. I too was in a long relationship (8 years) with the person I thought I'd grow old with. That didn't work out and the next relationship also turned out to be slightly abusive. I didn't go looking for it! Not all people who live or work in tourist areas are uneducated. That is is a sweeping statement. I agree everyone should put themselves first and yes she is young however why should numbers get in the way of romance? What's to say it won't work out or will? Time off from men isn't necessarily the answer just be safe and don't rush into anything. If I took time out after my relationships I'd be 40 by the time I found someone!

Just be safe

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Forget that he's Turk...  You were in a 7 year abusive relationship.  Now, you're in another dramatic situation (even if he proves to be a good guy).

 

My suggestion???  TAKE TIME OFF FROM MEN and work on yourself first.  The fact that you were 14 and with a guy for SEVEN years, yet your parents were clueless means that you were/are not close to them.  I'm willing to bet you came from drama as a kid and you are attracted to it now. 

 

Am I right???

 

My guess is you are a magnet for drastic situations and are co-dependent.  If he's working the tourist areas, that means he's not educated......

 

Posted Image

 

I'd like you to explain that one, if you could.

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  • 5 months later...
  • 11 months later...

I too came to Turkey after a relationship of sorts was over. I was really ready to enjoy myself, and in no way planned to meet somebody (I am not even that much into Turkish men in general  - my boyfriend is Arabic-Turkish from a Syrian border town, so he doesn't even look that Turkish). Most of my boyfriends' friends are hard working serious people, and yes they mostly date tourist girls, because they are attracted to them and they can date them in a different manner than a Turkish girl. Of course a lot of them have one night stands and so on, but so does a lot of British or Western people before they meet someone they care about.

Working in the tourist industry does not make anyone a bad person, or an uneducated person - in fact, some are students alongside their job, stretching out their studies because they don't want to be enrolled in the compulsury miltary. Many people work to send home parts of their pay to their families back home. There are rotten apples everywhere.

Take your time to know the person. You are not dating "a Turkish guy", you are dating a person with his own history. He could be educated or not. He could be religious or not. He could be concerative or not. You don't know until you see the person on Skype talking about personal matters, visit him in his work town, visit his family in his home town. There are things about cultural differences that you may experience very slowly. If you are serious about the relationship, you will find solutions.

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