Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
stephrox

American Woman/Turkish Man - Potential Relationship

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

Good morning all -

 

I am brand new here and hoping for some advice. I've seen a few postings on this same topic, but of course each situation is different.

 

Let me start by saying I am a very level-headed, smart, put-together, established woman in the US. I can spot dishonesty a mile away. 6,000 miles away? I'm not so sure. I can't even believe I'm typing this, because I can't believe I have found myself in this predicament at this stage of my life (I am 42 years young). That all being said, I know next-to-nothing about the Turkish culture, other than the few things I've read about the men (and not to stereotype at all) being relentlessly charming, sweeping women off their feet, multiple women in many cases... argh! So here goes.

 

I "met" a man online through Facebook a few months ago. We have chatted almost every night via FB or phone, and much to my chagrin, I have become completely smitten. Am I surprised? Knowing me, YES! This man has had a hold on me (emotionally) since day one. He definitely knows what to say to me. I am trying to not get TOO involved emotionally but that is becoming increasingly difficult. We have had many conversations, but some things you would rather talk about face-to-face you know? That isn't really a possibility right now, so we've just been trying to get to know each other.

 

He speaks very good English, so the language barrier isn't a problem. I've asked many questions and he always seems to have the right answers, making me wonder "IS this man for real?" Obviously, I am taking things very slow. I have let him know that he has to come to the US before I will come to Turkey (I have two early teenage children and it's not like I can up and leave them). There is so much unknown here, yet at the same time, so much exciting to me. I've just always been so skeptical of anyone who appears too good to be true, because in my experience, the devil has been lurking beneath.

 

I guess my question to you all would be this... Are there any pointed questions I could ask him to be clear on what his intentions really are, and if he truly feels the way he says he does? Of course you can say anything on the phone and be whoever you want to be on the internet. I'm not at all blind to this. I know this is next to impossible having never met, but unfortunately, we cannot choose who we fall in love with. I fear my heart is already too far gone, but would be much worse should we meet and things go awry.

 

I'm certainly not trying to get my heart broken yet again. I am pretty sure this qualifies me as crazy, but I want so much to believe it is real. Any advice for a newbie is greatly appreciated! Thank you.

Share this post


Link to post

For anyone who meets someone on the internet without meeting them in real should be careful regardless of where they come from. You can never truly know a person this way. I think if you like each other the sooner the better you meet. Depending on his career it might be hard for him to come to the US. If he has a good steady job then it should be no problem but if he doesn't don't fall into a trap of giving money. Otherwise maybe you can go to Turkey for a vacation with your children. Surely he has to meet your children too. Start planning and see how serious he is about meeting. If he starts giving excuses I would be cautious. 

Share this post


Link to post

Destiny,

Thank you for the advice. Yes, while I am being very cautious here, I cannot help what I'm feeling inside. I know it seems crazy to anyone who has never been in this situation (myself included). When we have talked about meeting, he is very open to me coming over there at any time. I, on the other hand, would me more comfortable with him coming to the US first. A single woman in a strange land is the stuff movies are made of. As I said before, he has not asked me for a thing, not one dime, and in fact, is very conscious of how long we talk on the phone because he doesn't want me to have to pay a lot of money. I realize this could all be fake. The optimist/romantic in me wants it to all be real. He has said he would come visit me next Winter, which is when I am thinking will be the first time we meet. He is in tourism, a manager of a restaurant (I'm falling into the stereotype which I hate), so for him to leave at this point with no prior planning would be difficult and I understand that, just as it would be for me.

 

I know there is NO way to know if this is real until we meet. I just have so many thoughts going through my head and quite honestly, it's now gotten to the core of me and the mere "wanting" to meet this man has me trying to figure out how to change all of my life around... not something I would even consider for anyone (other than my children, of course).

 

Thank you again for the advice, and if anyone else has anything to add, I'm open to hearing your experiences and such. This is so new to me and even if there are links to Turkish culture, etc., that would be helpful. Of course, we always want to believe that OUR situation is unique. It may be, but it may not be, and I get that.

Share this post


Link to post

I would be very suspicious. How old is this man? Can you do some snooping on his facebook? Does he have lots of foreign female friends and few Turkish friends? 

 

I don't want to put you off but wouldn't want you to waste your time unless he's someone worth wasting time on. 

Share this post


Link to post

cayaholic, he is 45. He does very little on facebook, other than play poker, which is how we met. The majority of his 100 or so friends appear to be mainly Turkish (people he works with) and relatives. When he is on facebook, day or night, he will message me and we will chat. That is not to be naieve and say he isn't doing the same with six other women...

 

The jaded female in me is very suspicious. At the same time, the hopeless romantic wants this to be real. As I mentioned, I've sent him no money or anything, nor has he asked. He does make me feel good just with the things he says, and honestly on those lonely nights, sometimes that is all I need, whether it's real or not (though I prefer real). I mean honestly, can one really get her heart broken by someone she's never met? Is that possible? I suppose it may be, but I'm trying to stay realistic throughout this getting to know him. Again, I don't want to believe this is a "typical Turkish man" (whatever that is) turning on the charm to lure me into something. There has been no indication of that at all. He never "hides" from me... has told me I can contact him any time I want to, any time of the day or night, even while at work. That being said, I have no way to know what he's doing at work, outside of work and with whom, just as he doesn't know the same about me. It is what it is. I simply wish there was a question or two I could ask him that would let me know if I'm setting myself up. Of course he could lie. We all could. Maybe if I just come out with something like, "you have women falling all over you all day and night... why choose me, someone you've never met?" and really listen to his answer, see if there is any hesitation. I know this obviously wouldn't solidify anything for me, but it may comfort me. I'm uneasy about starting ANY relationship with ANYONE, whether here in the States or internationally especially (and I only say this because I am not familiar with the cultures of other countries). I think if he continues to talk about any kind of "future" between us, I need to find out if he is willing to leave his job and his country to be with me, and not just for a visa. He has no children, and to my knowledge, his parents do not live there (his mother is Indian and father is Turkish), so the only thing tying him there would be his job. If I had no kids and didn't have a solid career and honestly believed the love of my life was on another continent 6,000 miles away, I would explore that without giving it a second thought. I am of the opinion that God didn't put me in Indiana necessarily to find my soulmate here (if there is such a thing). He could be anywhere and he could be him. Then again, he could not be and I could end up heartbroken.

 

Do you see what I wrestle with in my mind every day and night? :)

Share this post


Link to post

You obviously have doubts as you've come here for advice. In my opinion he's just using you as entertainment. He's 45 for goodness sake. You've not mentioned a wife. It would be MOST unusual for a Turkish man to be single and childless at that age. I don't know what stories he's told you but I'd also question him having an Indian mother knowing how little Turks travel, their attitude to foreigners,especially 50 years ago and their closeness to their families and adherence to family opinion.Just be careful and as someone else said, do some checking online.

Share this post


Link to post

You can keep thinking about this for another year. But why waste time. You either decide to not waste another year of your life thinking about it or you go to Turkey as soon as possible. You can stay in a hotel of course I wouldn't advise you stay at his home or something. If it goes well you will be happy you didn't wait another year and if it goes bad you will also be happy you didn't wait a year. Time is valuable don't waste it thinking of what could be when you can see what it is. 

 

And being a manager of a restaurant doesn't mean you can't take a week off until next year. 

Share this post


Link to post

You all are right and I am suspicious just by nature. If something (or someone) seems too good to be true, it probably is. We have continued to talk but have not discussed any future plans at this point. I think this may just be entertainment. There's a part of me that believes that, and another part of me that I cannot shake that says this could be real. Believe me, if you knew me, you would know I am the most skeptical person when it comes to trusting other people. I think this is the reason for my dilemma. I would love to just pick up and go there for a week to find out, but at this time I don't have the funds to do that, so I guess I will just continue talking to him to see if this is something worth waiting for. 

 

Thank you all for the advice!

Share this post


Link to post

As you mentioned, he sounds just too stereotypical to be real. In the tourist parts of Turkey getting yourself a foriegn girlfriend ( who eventually pays for everything then gets dumped when the money runs out) is just par for the course. I mean "works in a restaurant.........!") Unless he starts to invest real money and time and is willing to come to you, drop him like a ton of bricks! Do not join the massed ranks of the conned here.

Share this post


Link to post

Have you skyped with him?

 

To your OP question, you could ask to see his Kimlik to prove that he's not married.  You mentioned kids- any way to get them to stay with their dad while you and a friend go to Turkey?

 

Getting him to come here would mean that you'd have to sponsor his visa.  And do you want him staying at your house???  I'd rather go there than have him all up in my space...

Share this post


Link to post

Have you skyped with him?

 

To your OP question, you could ask to see his Kimlik to prove that he's not married.  You mentioned kids- any way to get them to stay with their dad while you and a friend go to Turkey?

 

Getting him to come here would mean that you'd have to sponsor his visa.  And do you want him staying at your house???  I'd rather go there than have him all up in my space...

TaterTot - we are trying to get the Skype working. There is a problem on my end, so I'm trying a few other things.

 

I do know that his wife has moved back to her home country (I can see her FB page so I know that) and he says the divorce is in process (her FB status now says "Separated"). I will ask to see his Kimlik. I probably could get my kids' dad to keep them while I "go on vacation".

 

Does he need a visa to just come here and visit? I thought that was only if he was moving here, but I'm completely unknowledgable about these things. Thank you for your information.

As you mentioned, he sounds just too stereotypical to be real. In the tourist parts of Turkey getting yourself a foriegn girlfriend ( who eventually pays for everything then gets dumped when the money runs out) is just par for the course. I mean "works in a restaurant.........!") Unless he starts to invest real money and time and is willing to come to you, drop him like a ton of bricks! Do not join the massed ranks of the conned here.

This is my worry. I hate to stereotype anyone, but just from what I've read about Turkish men, especially in tourism, this sounds like it's typical. He still hasn't asked me for a thing, so if nothing else, he's keeping me entertained. He says he is going to come to visit me at the end of the summer (after tourist season winds down), "and then we can make our plans" (his words). We will see, I suppose. At this point, no harm no foul.

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Step,I must say you are quite an adventurer.. Pl don't get me wrong, I just went through your posts at a glance, meaning I have too much to share.. just not the right day for me... " Please tread softly. "Good evening!Raj

Share this post


Link to post

he is 45

(his mother is Indian and father is Turkish),

He is in tourism, a manager of a restaurant

 

Look at this with your head not your heart - easy to say  I know.

 

He is 45, that means he was born in 1968, his mother is Indian let us assume she was 20 when he was born, this means she was born in 1948 - India was coming to terms with their Independence. It was a poor country and undeveloped - not a lot of people travelled abroad , only 'privileged' people could afford to to travel. 

 

Let us assume his father married a 'privileged' Indian woman - now Indians are very particular about education and I am sure that if he had an Indian mother (or father) education (of their children)would be paramount. he would NOT be working as a 'restaurant manager'

 

Incidentally I am ethnic Indian Posted Image

Share this post


Link to post

Look at this with your head not your heart - easy to say  I know.

 

He is 45, that means he was born in 1968, his mother is Indian let us assume she was 20 when he was born, this means she was born in 1948 - India was coming to terms with their Independence. It was a poor country and undeveloped - not a lot of people travelled abroad , only 'privileged' people could afford to to travel. 

 

Let us assume his father married a 'privileged' Indian woman - now Indians are very particular about education and I am sure that if he had an Indian mother (or father) education (of their children)would be paramount. he would NOT be working as a 'restaurant manager'

 

Incidentally I am ethnic Indian Posted Image

GDB, thank you for the information. This is why I am here. I know very little, if anything, about the culture of other countries (I'm not very worldly), I just look at people as people and I think in most cases, that is a good thing. I definitely appreciate your input. I honestly have no idea if I will ever meet this man. I just know that he has captured my heart, which may have been his goal from the start. I hope not, but I'm also very aware that is a possibility. I'm going to take a few weeks and try to really think this through and figure out if this is worth putting any more of my heart and my time into. I've reached a point in my life where I'm just like, "Why not?", but then again, I'm not looking to be used or taken advantage of again.

 

I thank you all so much for all of the advice. I'll report back when I've figured out what I am going to do. Trust me, if I had the freedom from my job and the financial resources, I would pick up and just go and get it figured out. It's just not that easy right now.

Hi Step,

I must say you are quite an adventurer.. Pl don't get me wrong, I just went through your posts at a glance, meaning I have too much to share.. just not the right day for me... " Please tread softly. "

Good evening!

Raj

Raj, I'm not sure what exactly is written between the lines here :)... but thank you, and I will tread softly.

 

PS: I am the furthest thing from an adventurer!

Share this post


Link to post

Hello Step,I think GDB analysis makes a lot of sense to me, where he is coming from, meaning back in 1948 an Indian lady marrying a Turkish man is bazaar. By the way I myself have been a victim to a similar situation a few years ago, to this day I am paying a price for it..Please just watch out, all I can say..TC, Raj

Share this post


Link to post

Quick update: We have still been talking on a daily basis. We were able to Skype once (finally) and that was wonderful. After asking more questions, I did find out that his mother is actually Chilean (not Indian - my brain messed that up from the accent, I can only guess). Neither of his parents are still living; however, he does have brothers and sisters, all older than he, who also reside in Turkey near him. He does live alone, and has said he would be willing to move here from Turkey if things continue develop for us (could this be for a Visa? Meh, idk...). Anyway, it has been nice having more time to talk and ask questions. I'm taking things slowly, trying to not ask too many questions all at once, no reason to rush. Of course I still have many questions, but in time I will get my answers. He isn't able to come visit until the end of the summer (money), and I can't go there before then, for the same reason. Still not convinced, yes I have doubts, but I could have them with someone here as well. He is mindful to always ask about my children and how they are doing, and is just a very sweet man. Potentially, I am blindsiding myself, but at least this time, I have my eyes open to that fact.

Share this post


Link to post

My best friend met his girlfriend over Facebook, well all of us told him to be very careful as usually these relations are not real (for me at least), but he proved all of us wrong, and now he is happily married to this girl and they are having a wonderful live, but i remember that both of them took things really slow because if you have your concerns, he should have the concerns too, right? however you are a mature woman, you know better :) don't listen to people as you said:

 

 

 

but of course each situation is different.

 

 

 

 

good luck

Sam...

Share this post


Link to post

Hi,

 

I tried to read all :) my english is not perfect but i think I understood. Your last message was in January so how is your relation now? (I'm currious).  Just one advice : To try or not try don't have regrets!! ... It would be good to meet him in Turkey for holiday with or without children.

I met my Turkish husband on internet, it's not the same situation.... but don't understand others.

 

Ster.

Share this post


Link to post

Well hello all! So, it has been well over a year since I've posted here, but believe me, I haven't forgotten about this man, nor has he forgotten about me. Shortly after my last post in January last year, I started a dating and later was in a LTR with someone local here. This relationship did not work out. Over the course of that relationship, the Turkish man (we'll call him Metin, for sake of me repeating "the Turkish man smile.png) and I have kept in touch. He knew of the relationship, I was very honest with him, and explained that I couldn't see a time when I could up and leave my kids and come over there for vacation, forget the fact that I am terrified of flying, and with the fewest stops possible it's about 16-1/2 hours flight time! He was very understanding and we kept things on a friendly level, though he always reminded me how much he thought of me, and wanted only to love me and be with me, and never stopped hoping I would come back his way.

 

Fast forward to today... we actually (FINALLY) got to Skype, like in real life, last night! This is the first time we have both been able to see and hear each other in real time. It was absolutely amazing. He is so complementary, always tells me I am beautiful, builds me up, asks about the kids and how they are doing. Neither of us wanted to end the call, and when we did, I broke down crying. I think for the first time in my life, I felt this whole thing is real. When I've talked with Metin over the phone or computer, I've always had this skepticism in the back of my mind, because you can be anyone you want to be; however, Skyping with him last night... I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. We have both made a promise to one another to try to get either him here, or me there by end of the year. So now this brings up a whole new load of questions.

 

I haven't been out of the country since 1986. What would I need besides a passport (and an anesthesiologist) to get out of the US and into Turkey? And is there a limit on how long I could stay? I wouldn't plan on staying more than a couple of weeks, but I want to be sure that is permissible. If Metin were to come here, what does he need to get out of Turkey and into the US, and are there limitations on how long he can stay? Jumping the gun here, but what if we decide that this is our future - together - and we want to marry? Of course we would have to decide where we would live (I am guessing he would have no problem coming here to the States since I have my children, but that is something we would figure out if/when we are able to see one another face-to-face).

 

Questions, questions, questions... and yes, I do realize this sounds completely crazy, but the fact that we can't stop thinking of each other really resonates with me. He recently changed jobs, but is starting to save to come to see me. Though it is WAY nicer in the Turkish Riviera than in Indiana in the winter.

 

Help!

Share this post


Link to post

I'm an American who is married to a Turk (but I live in Turkey).

 

I don't know your full background story, but I know so many Turks will do anything to get out of Turkey and move west.  Infact when my husband came back from visiting the US with me a lot of his friends said he is insane to not just stay there, and some were surprised I wanted to live here.

 

I don't know be careful, Turks usually won't even consider to be with a woman who has kids it's very opposite of their culture (unless they have kids themselves).  I don't want to judge this guy because I don't know his circumstances, but if he does really care about you and he is "saving to move to the US for you and not because it's the US" he is the 1%. 

 

To answer some of your questions:

 

His chances are like 5% of ever moving to the US on his own which is why he would look for a foreigner to make that transition possible, to be honest only high educated or people with money/connections ever get to go there on their own.  What he would need to get to the US is a tourist visa, which he can apply for at the US embassy and do all the paperwork and go through an interview and hopefully they will grant it, depending on his status in Turkey.  If he isn't rich, doesn't have a good job his chances aren't very good for that.  If he has those things it's much better.  They will grant him a visa, my guy has a 10 year visitor visa and when he visited they allowed him 6 months when he only stayed 1 month.  That's your best case scenerio.  If he overstays or stays illegally he will have no future with the US and will be banned.

 

What you would need is your passport not close to expiring, and blank pages.  You can buy a visa either online or at the airport on arrival it costs 30 US dollars and gives you a 90 day stay.  After those 90 days you need to wait 180 days to return for another 90 days.  To be honest it would be easier if you moved to Turkey than him move to the US because you will have very expensive and painful paperwork process for years and there's a high chance they can reject him for staying anyway.  While in Turkey it's very simple for foreigners.

Don't worry getting into Turkey is very easy, you just get your visa first then go to border office who just checks passport maybe ask a few questions then that's it you are in Turkey. 

 

I'm just worried about who this guy is and his intentions, while you know him best most Turks wouldn't be with an American due to their dislike of the country/culture/religion and those marriages are very rare...infact my husband and I had too many culture clashes and there's a bad reputation of Americans marrying Turks. 

 

I just want to make sure this guy is legit before any of you make any big moves.  If he is legit I'm super happy for you, and I have your back but there's just a few little red flags from what I read that can't be ignored. 

 

If he really cares about you/loves you/wants a future with you here is some things he should be doing:

-He should be talking about a wedding, and he would prefer you marry in Turkey because his family is there.  Turks simply do not get married without their family it's unheard of.

-He should be discussing which country is a better option, even a Turk who wants to move to the west loves his country and won't be "that easy" to move so far away.

-He should be starting his visitor visa process anyway as a responsible Turk would do that it takes time.

-He should be talking serious plans about work, future, home, children and culture differences regularly.

-He should be supporting you, if you are giving him any money erase him from your life.  My husband paid for my flights, living, and anything I needed before I moved to Turkey.  Your guy shouldn't be asking anything from you at all.

-You should be talking about religious differences since most Turks are Muslim which would mean you would be in an Islamic household even if he isn't practicing...very rare for a Turk to be completely irreligious.

 

These are just some.  If he hasn't mentioned any and all he talks is romance and flowery speech then start the heavy conversation because the nice romance has to end at reality...and if he really cares about you reality speech should be starting to manifest.  Also I can background check him for you if you want.  If he passes all the red flags you can live such a happy life together, but marriage to a Turk is difficult even for the happiest people.  I'm here for any support or advice, there really aren't many American-Turk relationships.

Share this post


Link to post

Wanderlust, thank you so much for the information. As we have been able to Skype now, it is much easier to talk about our plans and such.

 

To respond to some of your red flags...

 

- He is talking about a wedding, and has said that he does not care if it is in my country or his country. See, his parents are both deceased, and he is alone there, no children. He never asked ME about coming to the US... I asked him, and he said, "wherever you are, I will go". In fact, he has never even visited the States, though he's traveled many places in Europe, so he doesn't yet know what it is like here, and for that reason, I don't have any suspicion that he is only trying to get out of Turkey. Because, in fact...

- He does love his country, but, as of last night, plans to start working on the visitor visa process.

- We have discussed culture differences. He is not Muslim, and understands there are various religions and forms of Christianity here in the States. He knows I can no longer have children and always includes my children when discussing our future together. This is EXTREMELY important to me!

- I have never given him any money, nor has he ever asked. He would actually be offended if I offered. He lives in a small apartment near his workplace, so that is helping him to be able to save for a visit here. However, he lives near the coastal area which looks BEAUTIFUL from pictures I've seen, so I would LOVE to visit there as well (just need to nip that fear of flying in the bud).

 

Believe me, I am as skeptical as they come. I believe I responded to everything you mentioned as a red flag. When we first started talking over a year and a half ago, I honestly never believed this could possibly be real. I am so happy for you! Your story gives me reason to believe it can actually work, and that is a beautiful thing! I believe in love. Period. If it is truly love, we will find a way.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  
×
×
  • Create New...