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colette

Controlling? obnoxious? childish turkish men?

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Hiya

 

So here is the issue. Posted Image im engaged to a Turkish man who I met in Kusadasi. We have been together for 2 years now, we got engaged in November last year and plan to marry in April 2014. Ive been backwards and forwards numerous times to Turkey to visit him all of which I have always paid for. My flights, our hotel, food, drink etc. As the relationship progressed he started paying for things too except of course flights and hotels. I have sacrificed jobs in this country to be able to spend time with him. I left my good job at William Hill betting shop to spend 2 months with him in Kusadasi. I also lost 2 other jobs after that in the space of 4 months. My family disapprove of our relationship in some ways as they do not want me to marry him without them being there. We will be getting married in His village near to Nevsehir and the cost is my parents main issue. Flights, hotel etc. Since we go engaged he has been very controlling towards me, if I take clothes with me that are too "naked" as he says he wont let me wear them. In England he dosent like me going out drinking so guess what to keep him happy either I stay in or I lie to him about my where abouts. Which gets me in to trouble as he then requests a picture to prove im in bed or where I say am. Posted Image Tonight I have arranged to go for tea with a friend I told him I was going because he had been invited to a friends house for tea. We meet every night on Skype. SInce I informed him im going for a meal he has now became angry and said we cant be together like this, he dosent want me in his life anymore, we cant be married etc etc. I have met his family and they fell in love with me instantly. They even asked him how he found me because we have so much in common. Ive heard the whole its over I go to finish u now crap too often but I try and make everything ok? I feel he controls my life and I don't feel I can live the way a 23 English girl should be living. Ive sacrificed so much for him and I am prepared to jump ships and move to Turkey in January to live with him and his parents on their farm. Much to my parents delight. Does anybody else on the forum have the same controlling guy as me or who has had a controlling guy? any help would be great as I really do love my man. He is 33 and acts like a 4 year old having tantrums. Big essay I no but I had to get it off my chest and where better to do it then on a forum full of people in love with Turkey and the men who live there Posted Image

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Hi Colette --- we've had a few cases on this forum similar to yours, and your guy appears to be following certain types of Turkish men we've heard of before.  He seems like the jealous type, and as you say, acts like a spoilt child who gets angry if he doesn't get his own way.  If you think he's controlling now, just wait till you marry him and start living with his family full-time! 

 

Once you're married he will think he owns you and can decide where you go (and when), what you eat and wear, and who you can be friends with.  And a lot more than that.  It could get worse -- he may ridicule & humiliate you just to get his own way, and even if you think he's wrong, he's still right because he's "the man" ! You may well begin to wish you had never set eyes on him.

 

Of course that's the worst case scenario.  Please know there are Turkish men who are not like this.  It's just that, from what you've written, he sounds like the "bad" type once he gets you hooked.  Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd break it off with him & look for someone else. --- there's plenty more reasonable ones out there.

 

Whatever you decide.... it's your life, but I wouldn't wish such a man on my daughter !  Good luck to you. :)

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Loving someone and being prepared to share your whole life with someone are 2 different things. A relationship for life has to be based on trust.

 

There is also the issue of male "pride" particularly prevalent in rural, conservative areas like Nevşehir. A man is judged on his capability to provide for his wife and family. Not many men from his village will have wives who can pay their own flights, hotels, drinks and who have a steady job or who have the independence to say, I will do what I want with my money. There are sniggers and suggestions of cuckoldry behind the backs of men who "let" their wives go out to work, or who live off their earnings. None of that is specific to Turkey, of course, there have been diparaging comments on this forum and others by English members who suggested that the Amercian tourist who was found dead in Istanbul should not have been travelling without her husband.

 

You should think that when you are first married here, you will be totally reliant on your husband from a financial point of view. Do you trust him enough to put your future completely in his hands? If you did find a job, would he agree to your working? Or socialising with colleagues, without him?

 

Everybody needs a rant from time to time, but ask yourself the right questions and take your time before moving to take a huge decision which will completely change your life and move the control of your life out of your hands. Sometimes we fall in love with people who are never going to be our life partners and it may hurt to recognise it and it takes a lot of courage but you only get one life and it is yours and yours only.

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You already have to lie to him when you are in another country and not even married yet???  You are 23 and he's 33.  Trust me, this is NOT going to get better!!! 

 

Would you take this from a guy from your own culture?  If you put up with this, you will be a prisoner on some farm.  Don't you feel like you deserve more???

 

You've got a future and you are already throwing it away, losing jobs and your personal identity as well. 

 

I'm sorry to say, but this is something you should RUN away from, NOW! 

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Thanks for all the responses, its a difficult choice to make. My friend has just came out of a marriage with an English guy who was like mine. Controlling her all the time etc. With her it got to the stage where he not only physically abused her but mentally abused her aswell, and was also having an affair behind her back. So I guess you could say you could meet a guy like that anywhere in the world? Unfortunately Turkish men just seem to have this in their nature to control. He has said to me when we are living together we will go out to market and go shopping round town and things but for the first year until I can speak enough Turkish to communicate and get by on he will be going every where with me. Could all be hearsay from him, could be the truth. Its a bi choice to make uping sticks and moving to another country away from my family and friends. I did live with him for 2 months and it was great we never argued I didn't feel he was controlling then although the part of Kusadasi we where in at the time was a bit far to go anywhere on my own so I didn't go without him. in a way I may be naïve to believe things wont always be like this and he is only this way because we are apart and he cant see where I am. But I guess its also my life at the end of the day and if I choose to make the next step of marriage and it does fail im fortunate enough to have friends and family in England to help me get home and to help me move on with my life having learnt a valuable lesson. When you truly love someone you can be blinded by the truth.

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Hi... okay so, I don't want to add a further dampener on things (yes, I think you should stay the hell away from this guy) but it's also quite common for Turkish men to change drastically the moment after they've married, for the worse. So, basically, this could just be the tip of the iceberg.

 

Me and you are about the same age. If I were you, I would never be content with allowing my boyfriend to dictate what I wear or where I go - even being half Turkish.

 

Pleaaase don't do it. I work with so many English/American girls who are young like you and have married Turks they barely knew and they hate it so much, but feel trapped or unwilling to walk away alone. You say if it fails you have friends and family to take you back, but you might not even be able to walk out like how you imagine. If you really love this guy and you really want to get married, at least give it a year or two. Test the waters. That might be enough time for everyone to show their true colours.

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Not to get all preachy, but I don't think it's right to go into marriage with the attitude, "if it doesn't work out, then my family can clean up my mess and I can just move on."  I think it should be taken WAY more seriously than that.  It's not a game...

 

Also, imagine brining a child into this circumstance.

 

If you are already so cavalier about this, then I'd just walk away now and save the trouble of getting a divorce.

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Men? Personal power? Relaxed Confidence? Pretty much everywhere, just differences in degree not in kind.

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Sorry but you can't be making excuses like Turkish men just have it in their nature to control just to justify what you know is already wrong. My boyfriend of 4 years is Turkish and there is none of this take a picture to show me where you are or getting angry when I go out with my friends. Do you really want to marry someone who treats you like a child? You wouldn't be on this forum if you thought it was ok. There are Turkish girls your age and who have a similar education as you and have a job - there is no way they would put up with this so why do you think it is ok to put up with it? You obviously have potential to achieve what you want and the fact that he doesn't encourage you in your career is sad. Kusadasi is a whole lot different from Nevsehir. You have to think how you will feel living there - there aren't going to many foreigners like in Kusadasi. You will be  living with his parents - that is a great way to ensure they always know where you are even when he goes out. I'm sure when you want to go to the shop for food or something your mother in law will be joining you!

And then I agree with above comments about taking marriage seriously. You can't be going into a marriage with an attitude of well if it goes wrong I can go back to my family. What if you get pregnant and have a child. It is not going to be so easy to walk away then and if you end up unhappy do you really want this guy to have a reason to be in your life forever through a child. Not to forget that if in a few years you make a decision to leave him you will be going back to your country with a gap in your work history. It will be hard starting up again. 

You are already unhappy, you already know something inside you saying get away from him, so give yourself a slap and wake up. If you really like Turkish men there are plenty  more to choose from and plenty more who wouldn't be asking you to send pics to prove where you are. May God give you strength to make the right decision and bring happiness to you.

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I think it would be really boring for a foreigner to live in a village in Turkey with no other foreigners around, unless they're someone who's really into nature and being alone. I've been in Turkey for quite a long time and my foreign friends are one of the main things that keep me here. Although my fiance has suggested moving to his village, I say no, no, no! It's nice to visit and enjoy natural life but to live forever? Please think very carefully about this.

 

I also agree with the other people about making excuses for him because he's Turkish. Yes, some Turkish men can be possessive and controlling. My first boyfriend here was like that, to the extent that he tried to ban me from seeing certain friends he didn't like, ripped up clothes he didn't like and even hacked my computer so he could read all of my private emails, facebook messages etc. For the last few years I've been with a different man, who is a complete gentleman and nothing like my ex. Please be very careful, I know what it's like to be trapped in a relationship and it was hard enough for me, in a big city with lots of friends around, never mind being the only foreigner in the village.  

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I've lived in Goreme and Kayseri, which are both smaller and larger than Nevsehir, but I know the town well. If you are already having doubts about your fiance, waiting until you live with him and his family in this small conservative town to decide you have done the wrong thing is likely to be a mistake. Marrying a Turkish man, no matter how modern, means you marry the family. Especially in small towns and villages, every decision you make, to buying a couch to having your first child, is dictated by the family. If you marry him and move there you will be expected to have a child fairly quickly, just as a Turkish woman would be expected to. Few if any allowances will be made for the fact that you are foreign. You will have to fit in, and this will mean wearing clothes he deems suitable, doing what his mother tells you, cooking food he wants, doing what he wants, and never going anywhere on your own. Even when you aren't with him you will be with his mother or another family member as your behaviour reflects on their honour. A decent woman never goes anywhere alone in rural Turkey. If you do have a child you will have a moral obligation to ensure it benefits from both sides of the family, so walking away won't be an option.

 

You're 23 and you clearly love this man, but love alone does not make a good relationship whatever the cultures involved. Understanding, negotiation, compromise and hard work are also necessary to have a successful and long relationship. Are you prepared to do all these things? More importantly, is he? You need to be honest with yourself and ask whether he really is Mr Right, or just Mr Right now.

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Well, of course you didn't have any fight when you were in Kusadasi, because you did exactly how he wants things to be - you stay home unless he is with you! 

 

You can meet controlling guys anywhere in the world, but is it how you want to live your life? Being controlled, watched? Are you sure you want your husband to decide when you can go to see your family, when your family can see you? If relationship starts with such a control, it will get worse and worse. It might be that in the end, he decides that your family in England is bad influence for you and denies you contact them at all. You might be without money, without communication channels, if he decides so. How will you go back to UK then?

 

You make yourself believe that it's Turkish nature to control and that's why right to do so. That's exactly reason why this kind of guys go for foreigners - they know foreigners forgive lots of things thinking it's part of culture, when Turkish women would NEVER accept their behavior. News flash: it's not set in Turkish genes to control women, it's just affect of personality and how men are raised.

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I don't think It is about him being turkish. Obviously you found a crazy jealous man. British men can be worse in long distance relationship - I experienced it. You have to make sure if you can live like this forever or not. In my opinion, no men in the world worths it.

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I too have a turkish boyfriend and we have been together 5 yrs and I was going to Turkey 3/4 times a yr to be with him but now I also plan on moving over to Turkey june/july this yr to live together. He is also the jealous type and controlling (well he tries) as in if my shorts or dress is too short to him he tells me to go get changed even when its roasting hot to which I tell him that its too hot for anything else. He also doesnt like me going the beach by myself cos he thinks other turkish men will be looking but i do go for a swim and sunbathe, and not to smile at other turkish men who work at the beach bars cos it makes them think I like them. He doesnt mind me going out with friends here at home its not a problem and I do tell him if I am going out for a drink or whatever. He never looks and checks my phone even tho I have let him look on it when I am there with him to prove I have nothing to hide and he doesnt stop me looking on his phone either. I think ur boyfriend is way overboard with jealousy and controlling and its whether u can live with him bring that way with u all the time. You really need to sit and have a good think about it before u go out there and marry him. At the end of the day u love him and its ur life so only u can decide.

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Just catching up on this post and have seen (I think) you've posted about getting blood tests so I assume the wedding is going ahead. If this is what you really want then congratulations. My geography of Turkey isn't great so forgive me I don't know where it Nevsehir is but I am assuming it is a small village with not much to do outside of the family home? My other half is from a small village but his family have moved to a larger city which is very westernised compared to others. I could happily live there but mainly because there is lots to do, some English people there (a lot of people have moved there from Canada too). Access to places like Istanbul and Ankara are not long by train or bus. There are plenty of job opportunities as it is a major city etc, I don't think I could live in the village he was born even though it's only an hour away. It's just far to remote. Mostly men milling around as the wives are at home and children at school. I'm no domestic goddess so you wouldn't get me chained to the kitchen sink! 

 

I too spent time with my other half before he moved over here (to the UK) and during that time in Turkey of course we didnt argue, I was in heaven, by the sea, being taken out wined and dined! Then you come back to the UK and reality hits! It's a holiday! Sounds like a holiday romance and nothing more? for some yes for us no. We've been through every situation possible and nearly 3 years on still strong! But it's taken us 3 years to really get to know each other and want to be married to each other. And like tater tot said you never left his side so of course he was happy with the way you behaved.

If all goes how you planned and you do marry him please please don't have blinkers on and be shocked if it gets worse or you think he is behaving differently he isn't. He just hasn't had the opportunity to show you what it will be like.

 

I've never been one to judge an age gap. My OH is 9 years older then me but we are both still in our 30's. I think 23 is still pretty young to get settled down in Turkey it may not be but no offence but you're not Turkish so your way of seeing, behaving etc will be far different to what he is used to. I'm not saying I have the perfect relationship just coz we met when we were older. Im just say tread carefully. Give yourself time

 

Hope all works out for you xx

 

 

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Hiya Linda, yes that was my post and yes the wedding is going ahead. I had a long chat with him about his behaviour and said I wasn't prepared to put up with it anymore. I told him im in my comfort zone in England where I live. Im with my family and friends I have known for years. I live in a small village myself and you cant even sh*t (excuse the rudeness) without people knowing about it so im safe here. I said to him im not prepared to be a slave or a skivvy for nobody. I said I ll help as much as I can like I do at my own home now for my parents. I couldn't live in a house and do nothing and be waited on hand and foot. Im going in to this with my eyes wide open.I fly over there next Wednesday (12th) and we don't plan on getting married till April. I ll be living with his mum and dad for that time before the wedding and nothing is actually booked yet. His sisters and brother all have their own families to look after and they hardly ever visit his mum and dad. Mostly its just villagers or neighbours that go for a chat. So I sort of have a few weeks to live with them and see how things are before we get settled down for good. I've told him to treat me with respect and I ll treat him the same. Only the next few weeks will tell, I hope its all good because I really do love him and would love to start a life with him. I no im only young still but inside I feel ready to settle down. My mum was married at 18 and had my brother at 19 so she was even younger than me. I will keep everyone posted on how things go. And just incase does any one how my marriage is legalised in England? How does my name change to his? So im married in Turkey and England?

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Good luck, hope it all goes well.I'm not sure on the process but you'll need to register the marriage over here. Possibly via the consulate or British embassy. Hopefully you'll get an answer from another member but try the consulate website it should tell you on there. Again not sure on the name change in Turkey but over here I think it's done through the registry office.Enjoy your time, take it easy and stand your ground xx

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Just catching up on these threads and just wanted to add my 2 pennies worth. I see you've decided to go ahead with the marriage so I wish you good luck. I just hope that you're not going into this, just hoping that things will be different. And I hope that things do turn out for the best. Really I do :)

 

I believe that being controlling, jealous and obnoxious or possessive, is not something that you can just put down to being Turkish. I had a boyfriend once that sounds a lot like the above... I was 17 when I met him and he was 21... He prayed on my innocence and lack of experience in adult relationships. For 4 years I thought it was normal... I lost all of my girlfriends because I wasn't allowed out (Although he would never specifically say I couldn't go). If I suggested that I was going out it would turn into a huge argument or if I went I would have endless accusations thrown at me and eventually I stopped even asking, just to avoid it. He would go out with his friends, leaving me sat in waiting for him until 6 am.... I would work and then collect the groceries, before taking a bus, a train and a 1 mile walk home. He was self employed and often home by 4. He could have collected me in half an hour, but out of selfishness, would let me travel alone. However I would then get questions... Why are you late? Where's your bus ticket? What time did you get on the train? How do I know you didn't get a lift with a guy from work? Eventually I was sending pictures of myself on the train just to prove where I was! On a rare occassion that I went out, I was home by 11 because I was worried how he would react. He made me take a picture to show where I was.... Then he made me take off my makeup and send another so that he knew I wasn't going back out!! Then there was the debt... He was in a huge amount of gambling debt and begged me to bail him out. I got myself in over 10k worth of debt and being on just over minimum wage at the time, I struggled for a long time, unable to pay bills, etc. And did I ever see any of that money again? Ha!! I'd have more chance of having tea with the queen! He was English... As much an english lad as you can get... No Turkish whatsoever. Well,eventually I saw the light and that he didn't really love me atleast not anymore... He just didn't want anybody else to have me... So I packed up, shipped off and left him and I haven't looked back since.

 

I vowed after leaving him that no man would ever have that hold on me again. If anything, I have become a bit of a control freak myself. Now married to a Turkish man, I have never been made to feel that I have to change any of my behavious, what I wear, where I go or who I smile at. On one occassion Tugrul told me to button my blouse up and I flew off the wall at him, becoming defensive.... only to be red faced when I realised on of my buttons had popped undone and was showing a lot more than I had planned!

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not being Turkish that makes men act this way. they either are or they're not.... Yes how they are raised probably has a lot to do with it, so maybe it is more common in Turkish men... But we can't tarr everyone with the same brush. I'm sick of being told that my Turkish man is going to change, control me, stop me going out, chain me to the kitchen counter.... Because he can only control me if I let him control me.... I have no room for psychological bullying...

 

Perhaps there should be columns about English love rats.... because it really doesn't matter where you're from... There are jerks like that everywhere...

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hmm you got one of those. This has nothing to do with his culture he is simply a child. I don't recommend marrying him. Marriage is built on many things one is trust if there is no trust why be with you,and you're not even married yet you feel the need to lie to him. two clear signs you'll be going through rough times with him.

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