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Merhaba everyone,

 

I am new to this forum and I have read some threads and they are quite interesting. Posted Image I came here to seek advice because really i can not find any solution to as how I feel. Posted Image  I am a hispanic 28 year old dating a 29 year old Turkish man for a year. Actually our one year anniversay is this month...

December 29th. We both live in New Orleans and he only has his sister and brother in law here...the rest of his family is in Turkey.

The first couple of months of dating he did everthing in his power to keep me interested in him....taking me out to dinner buying me roses on a regular basis....everything seem fine. He would always talk about places we should go visit in Turkey and everything. Once on the 4th month of dating i saw that he was becoming serious asking me i should move in ...etc.. I at that point told him i had a daughter.....i had not told him before because i really did not think of him as something serious....but once i got to know him and Turkish culture....i really saw the similarities between the hispanic culture and Turkish culture...we are really family oriented and have similar values. After that some things changed...but his feelings seemed to be somewhat the same...but there was no more talks about going to Turkey no more comments like....i am so lucky to find you...he always use to tell me this. So i felt at this point some change...after confronting him...he mentioned that his parents were probaly not going to approve of me because of my daughter. I felt bummed about this so after much thought....i thought to myself this is not going to work out...so i broke up with him. He talked to his sister about the situation...and she basically told him..he had no future with me....and to never tell their parents about me because that would send his mom straight to the hosiptal...she has diabetes. Keep in mind i have an Masters degree...i owe rental properties...and see myself fairly decent. but of course all of this doesn't matter. After all this he cried...and begged me to not to brake up with him...that i made happy and no one has made him happy like this before. I cared for him too so we decided to get back together.8 months later.....which is been one year now...his parents came from Turkey to visit for one month....and i as expected been excluded of everthing. Although his sister has a two bedroom apartment...his parents decided to stay with him in his one bedroom apartment...so i really can not see him.....i been seeing him only during lunch time and i can not stop myself from feeling inferior. I feel like we are doing something bad and we have sneek around. I asked if they even knew about me and he said he tried to mention about me a few months ago and basically his mother told him straight up he is prohibited from dating any american girls although i am spanish and that she will never give her blessing to him. So after that he stopped trying. I tried to talk to him about it....what does he expect from this relationship...he said he does not know...only the future can tell. He is not giving me any promises....he hasn't even said he loves me. He just says his feelings are very strong for me nothing like he has experienced before. He said love is a very powerful word and should only be said in marriage. He said he has never told i love you to anyone before.Posted Image i am just so torn....i don't know what to do...should i just keep trying and maybe one day things will fall in place or should i just call it quits?

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Hi Moni, welcome to the forum.  Yours is a difficult situation.  Turks typically have a great reverence for their parents and usually find it difficult to go against their wishes.  Normally they would not do anything to lose approval of their parents.  Indeed, in many Turkish families the mother has a lot of say in who her son marries.  Traditional families don't approve of sex before marriage and prefer virginal brides, which is why your guy's sister says it's because you have a daughter that the parents won't approve.  Your guy is torn between his love for you and his loyalty to his parents' values.

 

But sooner or later he will have to make a decision -- whether to defy them and follow his heart, or to give you up and submit to his parents' cultural norms. I feel you shouldn't force his hand --- he's probably having a hard struggle within himself about the whole thing. And the worry of sending his mother to hospital is no doubt playing on his conscience as well.

 

I'm sorry I can't really advise you what to do -- other than hope he finds it withing himself to make his own life decision. Good luck ! :)

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As Meral said Turks are very loyal to their parents especially the mother. So many relationships in Turkey between Turks do not succeed because the mother is not happy with the relationship so it is not simply a case of you being a foreigner either. However, some people are more traditional and they expect their sons to marry a Turkish woman who was not married before. There is a lot of gossiping too in Turkey amongst women so when a situation like this happens you will hear them say oh did you hear her son married a woman with a child! It is sad for both of you really as you both have done nothing wrong but I agree with Meral do not pressure him. It is so difficult for him to go against his parents wishes. I really wish that you two can be together but if it doesn't happen it was just not meant to be and maybe it is better to not get involved in such a thing that will have a lot of family problems and stress of trying to please everyone. People should be more open minded but unfortunately they aren't.

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On the other hand, you never know.  In our village a very traditional, widowed, headscarved woman's youngest son chose to marry a divorced Turkish woman some 5-6 years older, with a 15-year-old son.  There was some frowning & the usual gossip about it, even from her relatives, but we all went to the wedding, and she turned out to be a good woman. Over the last 5 years everyone grew to respect her, she's very close to mother-in-law & like sisters with her sister-in-law.  Other family members also have accepted her & she gets along fine with all the family & others in the village. 

 

Sadly, last summer her son died suddenly from an asthma attack, which crushed the whole family.  She received so much moral support from all around her, it was a wonder to see.

 

Moni, I hope your story turns out well, and I hope you will keep us posted. :)

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  • 4 months later...

Hello,

 

 

I know it's been awhile since my last post but figured I should give an update to my situation. Since his parent's last visit here to the USA some things started to change between me and him. He began to distanced himself a litte from me and didn't seem too happy. After awhile, I confronted him and he admitted that he was stressed out because his parents straight up told him that they will not accept anyone foregin. He even said that they don't even want someone from any other cities from Turkey besides his home village. His mother wanted to set appointments with some ladies from his village but he refused..he said it did not make any sense because he was living here in the USA and he absolutely did not want to have a long distance relationship. He has a visa for one year more to work and he was thinking of applying for a 4 year working visa to continure working here but he said he now was considering moving back to Turkey after his one year visa expires after speaking with his parents. I was crushed of coarse.... so I told him that there was no point of continuing the relationship. He was devasted of my words and said he really did not want to break up....he just said it's just too diffcult for him and that I make him so happy. It was diffcult for me too so we can contiuned seeing each other and after a few weeks he mentioned he applied for his 4 year visa. I had hope for us after this but than we encountered another problem which was his sister completely stopped inviting me to anything. We used to do all do activities together with her and her husband or somethime just me and her but after his parent's visit she stopped. We have talked with him about this and he said it makes him stressful because he really can not do anything about it and also makes me upset because I don't want him to have problems with his sister. I feel that he now he has to seperate his time between me and his sister. He choses to spend more time with me and I feel his sister gets mad at this and I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable. I really don't want to create any problems but I feel like we really love each other and we are just facing obstacles after obstacles. His parents by the way got many clues that he is dating someone here so I know that they know he has a girlfriend but probaly thinks that it's just going to be temporary.Posted Image Posted Image

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UPDATE*** We had long conversations throughout the last two days and put out everything on the table. We came to the conclusion that we can not fix our problems with his family. Another problem we are facing too is that my mother does not agree with me dating a muslim man....she mentioned that as long as she is under the same roof he is not allowed to come around. That being said, we came to an agreement and to go for it. Despite....the circumstances that we are under we said either we break up or we go at it. He is scared and I am too... We don't know what waits for us and we know that we are heading to war. I know the first battle we will have is with his sister and my mother....due to the fact that they are near us...than we will have to deal with his parents who are living in Turkey...

Please wish us luck because i feel that we will really need it!

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Well, if you are both dedicated to weather the storm together, then go for it!

 

I think it's small minded on both sides...  If you find love with a good person, that should be enough.

 

My inlaws are VERY spiritual and they totally accepted me having a daughter.  I did convert and I've never been happier in my heart.  It's had its challenges, but I'm blessed overall.

 

How about you?  If you and he are in it full throttle, then you should discuss kids, religion, where to live...  Better now than later.

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  • 2 weeks later...

We have not discussed much about those topics yet. We are more focused on how we are going to make it through the situation. I know that most likely he wants to go back to Turkey. He doesn't seem to like it too much here in the USA. He has asked me if I would consider moving to Turkey if we were to go to through marriage. I am not totally against it but I would have to reconsider if the time comes. As far as religion goes... he is not very religious and so is his family but he still practices it. I have no problem converting to muslim due to the fact that before I met him I was already considering it. I had studied Islam in my universtiy and found it interested ever since. My best friend is also Muslim and she has taught me many things about it. I guess it doesn't hurt to start talking about it but as I mentioned before we are more nervous and focused on how to make it through.

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Listen, if I had been dating someone seriously for a year, and my significant other's came to visit him for a full month (and keeping in mind that they may not visit again for another year at least, depending on the visa situation and their financial situation), and my SO refused to introduce me to them during that month, I would feel horribly disrespected. Cultural differences are what they are, but if his feelings for you are as strong as he claims, he should have the balls to stand up for what he believes in. Now, he has to sneak around behind his parents' backs and keep you a secret, in the same way as a married man would have an affair. Have some self respect. You don't deserve that.*significant other's parents came... Typo

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  • 2 weeks later...

I understand your point of view.....and believe me I felt the same way at that time when his parents were visiting......but also..

I had to understand that it was very difficult for him too. His parents are aware of me...so its no longer a secret. They learned he was dating someone when they came to visit. ...

Our issue right now as you can see in my most recent posts are how we are going to confront everyone. Its not just his parents...its also my mother. I am also not bringing him around her just to avoid problems....we both don't like confrontation. But we feel like we are being pushed into a wall and we have no choice but to defend for us and our love.

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  • 1 month later...

hey...

 

it is a good post but very bad situation :/ 

 

Listen. I also belong to not exactly Turkish culture but being a Muslim and being raised in approx same culture I do understand through which circumstances your boyfriend is going through.

 

The USA and Turkey are two different countries with totally different culture; in Turkiye the family matters a lot and respect to them is the utter most priority like most other Islamic cultural countries. If your best friend is Muslim. He/She can help you understand this in detail. This is even the part of religion. Being too much practicing or not is a different question  but he calls himself a Muslim and if you are a 'christian or jew' you do not necessarily have to convert either. Islam gives the right to Muslim man to marry a women who practices Christianity and (or) Jews. As long as she is pure (sincere to the man and does minimum things which are prohibited in Islam). 

 

 

Now how to confront the parents.. As your posts narrate; the parents of your man seem to be from a village in Turkiye and this is also a problem. If they were from lets say Istanbul, Ankara, Izmir, Bursa or other bigger cities metropolitan areas; this would not have been such a difficult problem. In villages people are more conservative.

 

 

Being a Muslim you may ask your boyfriend to do "Istakhara".. This is basically a process of reading some Quranic verses and asking to God Almighty about a particular decision either it is right or wrong. If he does not know how to do it he may ask to any other Muslim who knows how to do or any Muslim center in your city. If the answer in Istakhara is "Yes". He should go for it no matter whoever is against it. It is not a compulsion but it will be nice if you could convert to Islam before marriage. 

 

As for your mother and his sister or his parents are concerned. What religion says is:- do not disobey the parents and do not ill treat them. But religion also gives a right to every Muslim girl and boy to marry the person of their choice and if it is arrange marriage by parents it is a MUST to ask the girl and the boy about their 100% accordness and if anyone of them refuses the marriage does not complete and their marital life afterwards is considered as a sin. 

 

 

I am adding Islamic factor in this post my friend because I know his sister and his parents are Muslim and giving these arguments to them in proper way can change their thinking and they won't be so harsh against it. What I am telling you is what Islamic faith and religion says and his parents or sister should not have any issue with it.

 

The responsibility of your mother and daughter, their accordance and happiness totally remains with you. You have to tacle the situation but as far as I am familiar with American culture (even though you are Spanish but you are in USA).. This will not be a big deal. She might be unhappy with you for some time but later all things will go smoothly.

 

 

Any other help or question you maybe having regarding anything I posted in this post please reply back or write to me. I will be more than happy to help.

 

Thank you for reading!

This website is so good; I am loving it.

Faisal.

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