My story so far :)

[ciara1040 2]

Hi everyone,

 

While surfing the web today I discovered this forum and thought I better join  . I am nearly 18 and am an Irish girl. Back in July I went on holiday to Turkey for two weeks with my best friend and her family. I had absaloutley no intention what so ever in having a holiday romance or even contemplating one, I am a very realistic person! Anyways during our holiday my friend and I became friends with some of the young lads working where we were staying. My friend went out with one of the guys on the entertainment team... who turned out to be a complete idiot. I being practical ignored any of there advances, not wanting to have my heart broken. Towards the end of the first week I noticed one of the chefs in the kitchen seemed interested in me, I had noticed him before and thought he was attractive. Eventually he asked me out, he's quite shy! I didn't know whether to say yes or not it's not usually something I would do but my friend convinced me to go for it and I rang my mam who was in Ireland and she said to go for it if I thought I could trust him, so I did. We had a great time, I was straight up with him and told him that there was no way he would get to sleep with me, I am just not that type of girl and he respected that. He is 21 by the way. We went out every night of my second week for walks on the beach etc. and he always paid for everything. My last night it was sad but I hadn't let myself get to attached to him as I thought I would never here from him again once I got home. How wrong I was, he instantly started messaging me and six weeks later I still talk to him all day everyday, god bless viber!!  He really seems genuinely lovely he has never asked me for anything and he tells me how much he misses me and says one day he wants to introduce me to his family. I know it is still very early days so I am keeping my eyes wide open, my head screwed on and not getting swept up in the whole romance of everything! Although I do miss him a lot. Upon returning initially my parents were very apprehensive about him, which is definitely understandable, they didn't want to see me heartbroken if he suddenly just stopped messaging me, but he has never once not replied to a message so they are a lot more relaxed now. I hope to visit him in October for a week but it is all very uncertain at the moment. I have read to many terrible stories about Turkish men on internet forums and else where, so I am very apprehensive! I know I should give him the benefit of the doubt as he has never given me any reason to doubt him, but a long distance relationship is a big commitment to make and one that I could only make if I completely and absolutely trusted someone with all my heart! I guess I am looking for the advice and opinions of people in a similar situation to my own. 

 

Thank you in advance for your replies!! 

Ciara xx

[LindaAnneStaines 31]

Hi Ciara Welcome to the forum. You will see that there is a lot of stories on here good and bad.

Without us meeting this guy no one on here can tell you his intentions we can only give you out opinion and experiences.

The one thing I would say is that you are 18 with the rest of your life ahead of you. In Turkey is it common for girls to settle down young an Turkish men often go for girls younger not always though. I'm a bit concerned about what your mum said to you about going for it. My mum would never suggest that and then you say she is apprehensive. Naturally. I was 19 when I first went to Turkey I met a guy and was planning on staying out there for the rest of the season (2 months) but it didn't work out. You'll only know if he is honest by spending time with him but even then he could be a real good actor and play you.

I met my fiancé in Turkey and I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. I'm now almost 31 we met when I was 28. If you met him at a resort then it is likely he will be flirting with other girls too. He is young himself.

Like I said he may be honourable and you may be a match made in heaven and you could grow old together.

Just be careful

[ciara1040 2]

Sorry, I just want to clear that up about 'going for it' I didn't phrase that very well! I just meant that when he asked me out while I was over there she said I could go. I know I am young and so is he so we will see how it goes, only time will tell. Thank you for your reply 

[LindaAnneStaines 31]

Take it slowly if he really cares for you he will understand.

[TaterTot 183]

A few rules if you are to continue this. 

 

1.  NEVER give him money or send him things.

2.  Don't put your life on hold.  If you're in school, stay there.  If you have a chance at a great job, take it.  Relationships come and go, but you'll always have to live with the consequences.

3.  Be honest about your expectations.  Like living in Turkey, for example.  Or religion.  Or kids.  Maybe it's a bit early to discuss it, but since he mentioned meeting his parents, you may as well get those difficult conversations over with, as not to waste time with someone who wants different things.

4.  Don't compromise.  You're too young and it's too early to already give things up that are important to you.

5.  Don't change who you are for him.

6.  If you find yourself having to justify this relationship to everyone, that's a red flag.

 

I think if you keep these in mind, you should at least protect yourself.  You are young, but who's to say what can happen.  Just don't open yourself up to being hurt or becoming a target or bad statistic.

[Cukurbagli 518]

I know I should give him the benefit of the doubt

 

 

Absolutely do NOT give him the benefit of the doubt. If you have any doubts at all walk away and think yourself lucky, then talk to your parents about it, would you give an Irish guy (or any other) the benefit of the doubt? Doubts are there to make you stop and think.

[LindaAnneStaines 31]

I totally agree with Tater tot and Cukurbagi.

 

Don't put your life on hold for this guy.

[phonicsdude 367]

I wouldn't give an Irish guy the keys to my drinks cabinet, let alone my heart.

 

I'm joking, I don't have a key to my drinks cabinet...

[ciara1040 2]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for the replies. I totally agree with everything you've said, I'm still in school and definitely plan to stay there as I want to go to college next year to study science. I thinks its more that I have doubts about whether a long distance relationship can work rather than that I have doubts about him. Also I definitely will never ever ever send him money.

 

Thanks,

Ciara.

[LindaAnneStaines 31]

HiI hate to say it but at 18 I doubt it. If he is at a resort then the temptation will be too much for him and you will want to live out your teenage years too.

Go enjoy yourself

[TaterTot 183]

Linda- you never know...  So, what I suggest is to "do your own thing" where you are.  If you keep seeing him on and of b/c you like him and visit on spring breaks and summers, so be it.  But don't pass up things right now for a giant maybe in the future.

[ciara1040 2]

Thanks TaterTot for the bit of positivity.  I will take all of your advice on board xx

[LindaAnneStaines 31]

Ciara - I wasn't trying to be negative, who am I to stand in the way of true love. I met my hubby to be in Turkey. So I am not one to judge just I remember being 18 (wasn't that long ago) and having been in long distance relationships just wanted you to er on the side of caution. Good luck

[ash88 26]

Hiya Ciara,

 

Welcome! Hoş geldiniz!

 

I'd just like to say, I don't think the people on here want to be negative hun. I can understand where Linda is coming from. Of course we all wish you the best in your relationship. I came on here looking for answers when I first started dating my Turk and I have to say, although some sound negative and it wasn't always nice to hear, the people on here gave me some great advice and a lot to think about before deciding to take my relationship any further.

 

There are a lot of questions that you need to ask yourself about the relationship, where you can honestly see it going and the hurdles that you are setting yourself up for. Being just a bit older and having been in serious relationships before, I can honestly say that what I wanted at 18 was definite what I want now at 24. It seems like such a short time but you have so much to experience and enjoy over the next few years. Nobody wants to sound negative or patronising in any way.

 

Who are we to say it wouldn't work? Nobody knows if their relationships will lead to happily-ever-afters!

 

What I would say is listen to TaterTots advice to minimise any risks you can, don't rush anything and do not put any opportunities on hold. You have your whole life ahead of you and so much fun to have! (God I sound like an old woman!)

 

Just enjoy yourself, see where it goes and continue with your own life. It could all work out and you could be incredibly happy, but if it doesn't at least if you go into it with your eyes open and don't give anything up for him, then you can say that it's been a wonderful experience, you'll have got to know a bit about a different culture, country, person... Enjoy it honey Just keep your eyes open and be realistic.

 

Please keep us updated on what you decide, where things go etc and let us know if you have any questions.

 

Wish you the best.

Ashley xx

[TaterTot 183]

24 vs 18 ain't that much of a difference!  I'm going to be (gasp) 40 in two weeks!!!

 

I joined this group only about a year ago, but I wrote a lot about my relationship on two other forums when I first started dating my Turk, now husband.  Some were supportive, some cautioned me.  Others were downright mean!  (I bet some members on here may even know of whom I speak.)  But that's the beauty of being able to post stuff on these boards.  You get a wide variety of opinions to help you gage your feelings.

 

I'm no longer on those other forums since my life has changed, but part of me would love to somehow update a few of them.  Particularly that nasty one!

 

Just keep it light as you figure things out.

[LindaAnneStaines 31]

Hi me again!

 

In response to 24 vs 18 I actually think there is a big difference. I was a completely different person when I was 24 compared to when I was 18.

 

18 - 20 I spent most weekends out on the lash and not remembering much of it! Then as I was turning 21 I was offered a job miles from home and it was the first time I would have moved out. I took the job and never looked back it was the best 7 years of my life. Unfortunately the relationship I was in at the time didnt work out and I have moved back to London (Not home - love my mum and dad to pieces but couldn't again- bless them!)

 

Forums should be moderated so that horrid or not appropriate comments / members are removed. I know so many people outside of forums that I'd like to go back to and say 'hmmm it wasnt going to work - haha it is!' but then that wouldnt really make a difference to their lives. 

 

I do look back on my life and think if I did it all again would I do anything different and as long as I end up where I am with my fiancée then yeah there are a few things I would change. I would have gone to uni and studied what I wanted. I would have done a bit more travelling etc.... but I am happy with how my life panned out.

So what I guess Im trying to say is that as much as people say life is short, make the decisions that you feel are right for you and that you wont look back in 15 years time going why did I do that! Our economy might be up the creak but there are so many opportunities out there not just here in the UK and these should be taken if the time is right.

 

I don't regret anything that I have done just wish I had done the things I didn't 

[ash88 26]

Hiya,

 

Have to agree Linda.

 

I think if you said 6 years from 42-48 I would say it's not a big difference, but at 18, you are not long out of school, still finding yourself and I most definitely did not know what I wanted out of life! Of course I thought I was completely grown up and knew exactly what I wanted and needed in my life... But that was completely different to now! I dropped out of college for a guy, fell into a job and just plodded along with my life... I most definitely wasn't happy and I'd lost most of my friends because they were all out enjoying themselves every weekend and I was in a possessive relationship and unable to go out...

 

Although I would never change anything that has led me to where I am now, if I could go back, I would rethink putting my life on hold for somebody else... That experience taught me to be a lot stronger and stand up for what I want and to never let somebody else decide what I do with my life. Life is too short to play by somebody else's rules.

 

I'm not saying don't give your man a chance if it's what you really want! I just wouldn't want to see somebody putting their life on hold for a relationship. These long distance relationships are tough, but if you're strong, then why not see where it goes... There is nothing to say you can't still have fun and go to college and everything and have a few trips to Turkey along the way, then if you both decide you're ready to commit to each other then go for it!

 

Whatever you do honey, just be happy!

 

I'm not trying to be negative honey! I've heard too much of it with regards to my relationship. At the end of the day, everyone deserves a chance and as long as you're sensible then you have as much chance as any of us to be happy with your man!

 

We are only here to help and advise and I hope I haven't come across as completely patronising because that's really not my intention. I'm an old romantic and would love nothing more than for us all to get our happily-ever-afters... I'm just a bit cautious after previous experience.

 

I wish you the very best in whatever you decide to do.

 

Please keep us posted x

[TaterTot 183]

I stand corrected in that area.  There can be a lot of milestones between those years.  For me, though, I was still drifting at 24.  Good for you for having more focus than me!

 

My biggest growth happened once I had a "real" job.  Then, once I had a child.  Wondering when my next growth spurt will occur.  I'd hate to think I've topped off!

[ash88 26]

Of course at 24 I still have a lot to learn and experience and I'm very much looking forward to it.

 

But I am settled in a very good job, I have learnt from my past experience and I have learnt what it is that i do and do not want from life.

 

Whilst I have very much dived head first into my relationship, I know that I have very little to lose if it doesn't turn out how I hope. I am not putting any other plans on hold and I am just enjoying the experience.

 

I would love a growth spurt myself but I'm no taller now than I was at 12!! I am however experienced beyond my years and have been through a lot during my adolescent and early adult years, which has taught me and focused me more on the life that I do want and the things that are important to me.

 

I hope you will have a very happy relationship with your turk Ciara. Enjoy the experience as best you can and if you're like me, you will love everything that Turkey has to offer, even if it is through visits around your studies and UK life

 

All the best xx

[ciara1040 2]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks a million for all the replies I really do appreciate them.  I know you weren't trying to be negative just realistic!  I definitely don't expect that he is the love of my life, I'm far to young to decide something like that! I will just see how things go. I still go out with my friends and go to college and to work just like I always have done so my life is not on hold by any means  Ash88 I must say I was browsing the forum the other day and read your story, I love it and wish you all the best!! 

 

xxx

[phonicsdude 367]

The reason people are being negative, is because for every good story...there's ten bad stories which involve people getting heart-broken and appearing on the front of magazines in the UK with headlines like : "My Turkish lover stole my kettle"

 

We're a realistic bunch. We've been around, seen a lot of scary things. 

 

There's bad apples and there's good ones.

[Ken Grubb 1,430]

I think a lot of the positive ones just haven't gone negative yet.

[LindaAnneStaines 31]

Clinky - that title of a magazine article made me chuckle coz it probably did appear in take a break!

Unfortunately there are loads of negative stories for every one positive and that's because there are some people, not just Turkish, who's intentions aren't honourable. And you just have to weed out the good ones. However the good stories tend to be fantastic ones and, if you can make it work, Turkish men can be very loyal. Mine certainly is

[Meral 499]

On the contrary, I'm sure there are also plenty of positive stories for every negative one! People don't seem to come forward to make a point of anything much when things are going OK;  they do so when things are going wrong (which is Ken's point as well).

[Sunny 779]

I'm afraid I have to disagree with you there Meral. I think Ken meant that, to start with, most marriages/relationships are OK but as time goes by glitches and problems start to raise their ugly heads - you just need to see the thread " What makes a Marriage to a Turk work", to see that. OK, some work but there are so many that are really struggling and one partner, usually the woman, having to compromise a lot and often turn a blind eye to her other half's behaviour.