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American single mother, am dating A turkish Man... Worries?

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Selam everyone! This is my first time using this forum but I'm in awe and in need for some expert advice! I am an American woman(I have no religion, I wasn't baptized) and I am dating a turkish man(a Muslim). We have been together 10 months now, and we've been through several hardships. When we first got together I was 2 months pregnant. I now have a 2 months old baby girl. For the first few months we had certain disagreements about things. He didn't want to take part in anything that had to do with my pregnancy he said or with the baby e always said it wast his daughter. However, he still took me to doctor appointments and now that she is here he loves her unconditionally. He calls her his own and says she is the start of our family. One of our biggest issues is my past. It's hard for knowing that I was with anyone besides him, seein I am his first. And I know that in the Muslim religion a huge thing is not having sex before marriage or whoever you do you must marry, so I've heard. He also doesn't let me do certain things, I can't go anywhere without him, I can't wear anything that's somewhat provocative, and anyone in my past is a no no. Even though he is a bit controlling, I know he truly loves me. He proves it to me everyday. He tells me he wants noting but me. He's needs me and I am his life. And I love him so much, too. I've always been mistreated in relationships and for once I am happy. He wants me to read the Quran he thinks I'd love the Muslim religion. He tells me not to do it for him but to give it a chance. We've talked about marriage and I want it as much as him. He wants us to move to his city though, seeing we both live in the US now. I'm just concerned. For my daughter, for myself. If we do marry, I'm not sure on rights in Turkey, and I've heard a lot of bad stories about American woman marrying Muslim men. I didn't know if this was turkish Muslim or another country or does it even differ? Mostly looking for opinions. Please and thank you.

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Hi Anyaloox,

I can't go anywhere without him, I can't wear anything that's somewhat provocative, and anyone in my past is a no no. Even though he is a bit controlling, I know he truly loves me. He proves it to me everyday. He tells me he wants noting but me. He's needs me and I am his life. And I love him so much, too.

I don't want to throw cold water over your relationship with this man, but..........it does concern me that even though you are not married (not sure if you are living together) that he is already controlling the way you dress, going everywhere with you and also won't let you do certain things. Maybe you could expand on what those 'certain things' are. Whilst you may love him deeply at the moment you may find in time that your feelings will change towards him as his control over you will get worse over time and he will also expect your daughter to conform to his wishes as she grows up. Have you ever said no to him, if so what was his reaction? Are you willing to go along with everything he wants just to keep him, do you feel happy doing what he wants? If you aren't happy with what he wants you should say so now and be firm about it. In every relationship there must be give and take on both sides, not just one, you also have a daughter that you have to think about as well. How old is he and what is he doing in the US?

Don't close your eyes to the warning signs. There is an awful lot of information on the internet about controlling relationships, you should spend some time checking it out.

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... but I want to also add one clear advice: run away as fast as you can while you still can. It doesn't matter is he turkish muslim or american christian, if he wants to change and control you, it cannot be good.

This is the best advice that you will ever get.

 

Çukurbağlı's blog. Warning - takes you off the forum and into the www.wilderness

 

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I wholeheartedly agree with the others above ! If you marry this man or have a child with him, you'll be getting in too deep and it will be much harder to break free.

You are happy now because he loves you like no other man has before, and even though he may truly love you, he's exerting undue psychological control over you (and will do the same to your daughter if you stay with him).

You are already noticing little things he won't let you do --- and believe me, this will get worse as time goes by, until you won't dare do anything at all without his approval. Not all Turkish men are like this, of course, but he is showing the signs already.

Please take heed of the advice given, and break this relationship, before he destroys your life and your daughter's life. There are plenty of other men in the world who will love you and be kind to you --- give yourself a chance to meet one of them ! Good luck to you ! :)

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Thank you guys for all the advice. I've got a lot I need to keep in mind. And right now my daughter is the most important. I love him but I love my daughter with everything I hve and I want the best for her. He is 24 and he's a cook here. He came to the US on a winning and a chance to come here so he took it. He's live here for almost 3 years now.

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Anyaloox, listen very carefully to the advice you have been given. It sounds to me like you are looking for reasons to stay with this guy. No one here, so far, thinks you should.

Print out and read again and again what you have written to this forum. What would be your advice to the person who wrote those words? Surely you have friends or family who have met this man? If so, what do they think of him? Have you spoken to any of them about your concerns? If not, why not? Show what you have written here to your friends and family.

We are thousands of miles away from you, your friends and family are right there, get them to help you. Perhaps you can see a counselor about how to get out of this relationship and not suffer too much.

If he is potentially abusive or gets angry easily, then if you decide to break the relationship, you should do so with at least two witnesses, and one preferably a man. If he threatens you in any way for any reason, contact the police, along with the witnesses, and ask for a restraining order or that the police have a talk with him. Unless you are strong and willing to stand up to him, you will be ran over. Seek counseling, women's shelters are all over the States, find one and get into a support group. Ask for their help to get through this.

Good luck

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Anyaloox, I forgot to mention that one of the things a controlling man will do is to gradually cut you off from your friends & family --- he will do anything to alienate you from them, so that you will have no support & will therefore become completely dependent on him.

If you notice this starting to happen, let it be a warning sign, and think of your daughter ! Most mothers, when faced with a choice between a man and their own child, will put the child first --- it's nature's way ! But you must make this choice before you come completely under his domination.

You certainly do have a lot to think about, and I'm crossing my fingers for you XXX !!! :) :) :)

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It's got to be difficult being a single mother. You probably see this man as a way to a happily ever after insta-family. I really do get it.

My husband accepted me and my daughter unconditionally. Yes, I found my way to Islam and I've been VERY happy. But here's the thing- he's NEVER been controlling. Only supportive. Yes, I did make certain lifestyle changes, but they came from me, not his demanding them. I realized that I wanted to change in order to have a strong family. As a result, I converted, changed how I dressed, stopped drinking, etc. Yes, it was a big switch, but I can't say sacrifice, as I have gained so much more.

That said, ANYTHING I want to do, my husband supports me. He actually encourages me to go out with my friends, go to the gym, work on my writing... do whatever makes me feel good about myself because I deserve it since he recognizes my value as a loving wife and mother. (BTW- he's also a stay at home dad at the moment, so we've complete role reversals and he is the most manly man because he embraced it.)

I know I've found a rare, precious breed. I don't know if you found the same, but do ask yourself this- when does his green card expire? And does he seem to be in a hurry? Mine wasn't. That told me a lot. In fact, it was me wanting to rush things, as my bio-clock was tick tock and I knew I wanted a child with whomever I'd marry. It seems a bit odd that he'd meet a woman who's got SO much baggage and stay around. He's either a real saint or he's after something, know what I mean?

Have you been to Turkey? Have you met his family? I know you're probably nervous and excited about the prospect of this man, but you must be very careful. In retrospect, I took a HUGE leap of faith in marrying him BEFORE I went to Turkey, but I always knew I wanted to live outside the US as I got older and I did meet his family on SKYPE .

I was VERY lucky and it's been all good, so it CAN happen. But look at your circumstances from all angles.

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I agree with most of what's been said but you are the only one who knows this man. You say he makes you happy but then you say that he won't let you do certain things and won't let you go anywhere alone so it's obvious that you have misgivings. Any controlling behaviour will only get worse and I suggest that you take a stand on it if you really do want to stay with this man and let him know about what you will or won't do, what is acceptable to you.

I would also advise against going to live in 'his city' as it sounds as though it might be in a very conservative area where you, and your daughter might be isolated.

The issue about your past also gives me cause for concern as, although at the moment he manages to accept it, it is very likely in the future it will be brought up against you to undermine your confidence and make you feel bad.

As the others have said, think long and hard about continuing this relationship.

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