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Very early days but looking for advise

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Hiya Linda,

 

 

Hehe! :) Yes I guess they would be worried if I already had wedding pics on a fiance visa :)

 

Ooo good idea! Perhaps I could open a small savings account in Istanbul when I visit, where we could put some wedding savings in that we can take out when we return to Turkey for the Turkish wedding (Just a small amount of course).

 

I will put together as much detail, as many pics, proof, etc that I can find.

 

I think because of the nature of his work, etc, he has a next to zero chance of getting a visitor visa. Although he has travelled Europe, he has visited England just once, as part of a dance troop and it was years ago...

 

I definitely agree with you with the trust issue. I think, if somebody is going to cheat on you, they will do it whether they live with you or they are 2000 miles away. It's just in them to do it. Personally I think Tugrul has had his fun. He has been completely open and honest about his years as a "playboy" and I believe that he is now ready to finally settle down. His mum has already thanked me and said I must be a very special woman to tie her boy down and I appreciate that, because I think everyone deserves that chance. He comes with a history the same as I do... Nobody is perfect but I trust him that he has reached an age and met somebody that he can see himself settling down with. I have no reason to doubt him and I will continue to trust him unless he gives me reason to think otherwise... You can't have any sort of relationship without trust. At the end of the day, he doesn't know what I'm doing 98% of the time and it takes trust on his part too.

 

We do just want to be together and it is tempting to rush into it all, but at the moment I'm just putting things in place so that when we are ready, then we don't have to worry about the little things so much or have any unnecessary delays.

 

I guess we just have to enjoy our engagement for now, look forward to the celebration and time we have together in November and see where things go from there.

 

I actually had a bit of a downer this morning. My mum has finally expressed her dislike of the situation. Previously she'd kept quiet and just pretty much ignored everthing, avoiding the subject but this morning after a huge blow out, she said shedoesn't know him, she's not happy with the situation and she doesn't trust him. After calming down, she has now allowed me to explain the situation and is a lot more understanding now that she has heard my side and I have reassured her that I won't be running away to marry him and that I am aware of the risks involved. I don't think she thought things would get as serious as they have and it scared her a bit that she could lose me to Turkey or that I could get hurt.

 

Has anybody else had difficulties with family understanding? How did you deal with them?

 

Thank you to all of you for being such help in such a confusing times xxx

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Hey honey.

A savings account is a fab idea!! Re visitor visa his chances may be higher if he has been granted a visa to Europe before as that shows he had returned home. As long as he has a letter from an employer to say he has a job to come back to a d some money to support himself even if thus is a credit card that is applied for an cut up so he doesn't get into debt and you can sponsor him he might be ok. This might help your family get to know him.

My mum was exactly the same. When I was 19 I met a Turkish bloke when I was on holiday and when I due to fly home I called to say I had a job and was staying for the rest of the season this was in sept so 2 months max. Parents flipped I had friends calling me saying my parents think I'm getting married! I had no choice but to fly home and then go back once I had spoken to them about it. That relationship never developed into anything and I knew it was a holiday romance - seriously I was 19 what did they think I would do!!

Fast forward 10 years and I met my fiancé in the same bar!! Haha! You can imagine what my parents would say. That year I had a tattoo done in Turkey so when I came home I said to my mum I've got something to tell you. Her reply was you've met someone. I was like no I have a tattoo lol ! But I had met someone and it wasn't serious he's just a friend (that bit was true).

Dad flipped over the tat !! HahaMy parents probably thought it wasn't going to last until my fiancé had his visitor visa granted. And he was over here 2 weeks (together 4 months) and had proposed. One of my best friends reply was 'really!?!' And another 'I'm so your bridesmaid!' Unfortunately my parents hasn't met him so on the first meet it went from hi this is my boyfriend to actually my fiancé. They have us hugs but stiff ones. My mums face said it all !!!

Dad then started the interrogation which just made us laugh. 'So what happens now' 'does this mean you'll get a passport if you marry my daughter!' Will you move to Turkey?'Seriously me and my fiancé just laughed! I told my dad to look at the UKBA website and see how frigging complicated the system is and that he actually doesn't want a British passport - it's only good if you want to go to the US or Australia without a hassle - European visas are easy for Turks. But my fiancé has his fair share of baggage, a ex wife not yet divorced and 2 kids living in the UK if he wanted a passport he could have had one by now!

After that they settled down a bit and it did help that he was living in with me and I'm now 30 not 19. There are the odd moment my parents poke their nose in. I'm supporting my fiancé as he can't work and they don't really like that but as I pointed out my mum was a stay at home mum so what's the difference.

I think your mums reaction is very normal and common. She doesn't want to see you being taken for a ride. And it has happened to many girls before us and loads to come! Even some of our friends who are Turkish have left their wives soon after the passport came in. However you're not at that stage and a spouse visa is not permanent he has to prove he is worthy of if. If your relationship breaks down during the spouse visa or settlement visa you have a duty to tell the home office as he was given it because he was with you therefore he may forfeit his right to be here. They may/ probably not but the could technically remove him. Once they knew this again they relaxe their emotions. The longer you are with him the more seriously your mum will take the situation. It is best to go in eyes wide open. I can't lie and say I've never had doubts about my relationship but deep down I trust him and know he wouldn't hurt me.

One word of warning is that Turkish men are jealous by nature so you'd do well not to provoke these feelings! Not saying walk on eggshells and not being true to yourself but why add fuel to a fire.

The other issue is religion. My fiancé is Muslim and proud but not the best at practicing it. All I got when I told people he was Turkish they said do you have to convert! I hate that word sounds so negative and no he would never force me to do anything. My parents brought me up Christian but they don't go to church now. I have my beliefs and we work as a couple but I do think if you have strong opposite religious views this might put a strain on things.

Wow long post lol xxHugs

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Hi Hun,

 

Thank you so much for your (rather long) post. I really appreciate you going into such detail as it really helps to paint a clear picture!

 

It's so nice to hear that I'm not alone in this position even if I wouldn't wish it on anyone and if I can be of any help to you in return then just say the word :)

 

You did well to distract your parents with the tattoo! ;) That wouldn't have worked on my parents as I already have 2 tattoos and they are used to them...  I do think my mum wishes she could meet him so that she could interegate him and find out exactly what it is that he's looking for but I have to say, Tugrul would not be moving to the UK for himself, but so that I don't have to leave my family... He was brought up in Germany and I guess could return there if he wanted a western lifestyle. He's really worried about how he will settle in, so I know I will need to be extremely supportive and try my best to make him feel as at home as possible...

 

I have noticed that Turkish men can be jealous but I'm not one to play games. I actually agreed to take a t-shirt back to Bodrum when I went the other week and Tugrul said he was fine because he knew that man and that he was decent, but he asked that if I were to agree to anything like that again, then I should put it past him. I can see where he is coming from though as I would be the same if he were bringing things to one of my girl friends... On another ocassion I was honest with him about a man at the hotel that got in contact with me on Facebook and declared his love for me (I'd never even met him)... Tugrul went crazy and actually went and had a word with the man. He said he wouldn't have but that I'd told the man I was in a relationship and he still continued to send me a message saying that he loved me... Basically he said that it showed no respect for either of us or our relationship... I was quite happy with that as it showed he cares and I think a small amount of jealousy in a relationship is healthy. I wouldn't play with Tugrul's emotions so he should have no reason to be jealous. I am quite a strong woman though and if I thought he was being unreasonable then I would definitely tell him.

 

In terms of religion, we have discussed it and he is definitely not a practising Muslim. Although he respects the religions and some of what they stand for, he doesn't pray, he eats pork and he definitely doesn't follow well. I have explained that I was brought up a christian and that there is no chance of me changing that. He said he wouldn't ask me to because then I wouldn't be the same person he fell in love with. He has even asked to come to my church with me so he can share it with me. PLus, he loves christmas haha! He's actually a big kid really.

 

Hugs back! :) x

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Well we're trying to be as open with each other as possible so that we both know where each other stands at this is very fast and we're trying to learn as much about each other as possible.

 

I'm positive he will struggle until he can settle into a job etc, and even then he will have moments when he misses home but that's where being a pair comes in... I'll be there for him whatever he needs.

 

I will keep you updated :) x

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  • 1 month later...

Just a short update, I'm due to return to Istanbul in 3 weeks today!!

 

I don't think I've ever been so excited! Tugrul and I are as close as ever and speak several times a day, everyday.... I wake up everymorning to a lovely good morning message or a post on facebook with some soppy quote dedicated to me....

 

We have set our wedding date for August next year as we plan to apply for a fiance visa at the end of January... If he's accepted, then it takes about 3 months so that would mean him coming to the UK beginning on May and then we can get used to living together and get ready for married life in the UK.

 

It all seems to be coming together pretty well at the moment. Tugrul's english test is booked for November, whilst I'm in Istanbul so I can practice with him before hand and support him on the day... Fingers crossed!

 

We are both finding the distance very difficult and missing each other terribly. Tugrul is finding it particularly difficult at the moment as he is due to finish working his season in just over a week and can't wait to finish! He's managed to line up a winter job which will be great as it means he won't be coming over without a penny to his name. He was really worried about relying on me to pay for everything before he gets his working visa after we're married. Atleast this way, even if I'm paying for our housing, bills and food, he will have some of his own money so if he wants to get anything he doesn't have to ask me...

 

Well let's hope everything goes as planned... These things are there to test us to I'm sure something will come up to delay things or throw a spanner in the works but we're prepared and at least have a direction to move in :) x

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Lol Clinky!

I wouldn't be surprised if that was on the life in the uk test for citizenship! I did a mock test on that and failed! I'm British what hope do others have! Good luck Ash I'm sure everything will be ok. Hope wedding plans come along nicely and you have a fantastic day. Long distance is hard but it will make you stronger. I was apart from my partner for 6 weeks and that was horrible so can imagine how you feel but just think how happy you will be in novemeber when u get to see him! Enjoy Istanbul I've only ever seen te airport lol so make sure you see the sights too!

Hugs xx

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Haha! Clinky! That really did make me laugh!

Thank you Linda! :) well I was wedding shopping with my mum yesterday! She's finally come round to it all and is now looking forward to meeting Tugrul after speaking to him on Skype and getting a small insight into how we talk together.

Yes Linda, it's very hard but is now getting easier because I'm getting closer and closer to seeing him!! :) Thank you, I will definitely get some sights in. Tugrul wants to show me everything but obviously we both want to be careful with money so maybe we'll take a couple of days to really do the tourist thing and then just take in some sights on the rest of my travels :)Hugs x

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  • 1 month later...

Well, I'm home from Istanbul and had the most amazing time. Absolutely gutted to have to leave Tugrul and come home once again.

 

We saw a lot of Istanbul together, spent nights in watching movies, cooked for each other, and generally did all the sorts of things that normal couples do whilst we lived together for a short time. This was going to be my test to see if I could really see us still happy after spending time living together, getting used to each others' bad habits and ways, seeing eachother outside of the beach/ hotel areas and in a normal living environment. Yes there were a few disagreements, but we dealt with them exactly how I thought we would.

 

Tugrul isn't particularly jealous, which I was worried about from stories, but he is very protective. Especially as we were staying in Taksim. He wasn't happy with me walking alone and even when I went out with my Stepmum to get bread for the morning, he called me twice during my 2 minute walk to make sure I was ok. He said it's only because he worries in those sorts of areas and that he would be fine in areas that he knew, like his hometown or if it was somewhere that I'm used to like the UK. I would have been more concerned but his friends and brothers were the same and would link my arm if ever I was walking apart from Tugrul.

 

I'm really, really happy with how things are going and the time we spent together has definitely cemented our feelings for each other. I just wish we didn't have to leave eachother every time!

 

We've decided I will return at the end of January with everything that we need for his fiance visa. We will then do the application together. Until then, he started his new job on Monday and I have a busy time at work, plus we have Christmas and visa things to sort out and I'm moving home beginning of January, so I'm hoping all of that will make time go quickly and we will be together soon!

 

Meeting his parents went wonderfully. His mum is such a lovely person and everybody was so welcoming and loving. I was sad to leave them too. Whilst I was there, we had a traditional turkish engagement (Or as tradtional as possible when you're from a different country!) His mum even bought us turkish engagement rings, There were smiles, laughter and happy tears! Before I left his mum even bought me a gift of a Jumper and thermal leggings as Tugrul had told her that Englad is really cold. The perfect little gift and I really wasn't expecting it.

 

Since I've been back, despite us both being busy with work, we have fitted in speaking to each other a couple of times a day and his mum has even contacted me to tell me she loves me. Tugrul messaged my turkish stepmum yesterday and asked how I was and asked her to look out for me because I was finding things quite emotionally difficult. I've never know anyone to care so much and look after me the way he does.

 

Ok, just realised I'm gushing! Sorry! Just wanted to fill you all in with how things are going and so far, so good. Despite the hardships and differences, we seem to be growing closer and closer and stronger and stronger.

 

Thank you again for all of your help, encouragements, advice and words of wisdom. You are all gems! The positive and negative have really helped me through everything so far. So thank you again! If there is anything I can do to help in return then I would be more than happy!

 

Big hugs xx

 

 

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  • 2 months later...

Latest Update!

 

Well all is still going wonderfully with Tugrul & I. We are still very much in love. Despite some differences and disagreements, we are really learning each other, what makes each other tick, and how our opinions can differ but also what makes each other happy and what we both want out of life. I have learnt not to back down and let Tugrul win every argument and he has learnt that I will not accept him being Turkish as an excuse for moodiness, jealousy, strong opinions, etc. Although we have had our differences, we haven't argued any more than I may have with an english partner and we're able to overcome things really will as Tugrul is great at talking things through with me. I have had English partners that would just ignore the subject and think that's how you solve things...

 

Anyway, I'm off to see my fiance tomorrow and have never been so excited!! My Turkish is finally coming on, thank goodness as we'll be staying with Tugrul's parents on this trip! We will be submitting our visa application on Monday so homefully once Tugrul is here we will finally get the chance to be like an ordinary couple for some months before we marry. I am so looking forward to being Tugrul's wife. He looks after me so well and treats me like a queen. Always has.

 

Of course, I know there is always a chance that things could still go horribly wrong. I'm open to that and although I don't want it to, I am still trying to protect myself where I can. I honestly trust Tugrul more than I've trusted anyone before and think he would have slipped up at least once by now if things weren't 100%, but you never know. If I hadn't heard so many negative stories I wouldn't be protecting myself now. Which I feel is both a blessing and a curse!

 

I think every relationship is different and as long as we go into them with our eyes open and know the risks involved, weigh up whether it's worth the risk and take actions to minimise potential losses, then we should give it a go. That's what I have done and so far so good. I wish you ladies and gents in multi-cultural relationships all the very best. Know that it is difficult but as it stands, I have a little slice of heaven, even if t doesn't last (Which I really hope it does and can see it).

 

Thank you to everyone for your support & also advice over the months. I will keep you updated and if anybody wants to ask any questions or has anything to say, I am here to help :)

 

Next stop Istanbul!! TTFN! x

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Hi Winegirl!

 

Thank you. Well that went waaaay to fast!! I'm not back in the UK! :(

 

I had the most wonderful time as always. We stayed with Tugrul's mum and she was as welcoming as always, allowed us to share a bed and even bough me gifts and made me a lovely scarf!

 

I have now learnt how to cook Tugrul's favourite dish (Secret family recipe) and my Turkish really improved just on those few days! We went to the cinema and took his nephew ou for the day which was nice because it gave us a chance to do the things that regular couples do together.

 

Tugrul's visa application is now in and we have completed everything so the next things is just to wait and see if he's accepted which is but exciting and nerve wracking at the same time! I really hpe this was the last time I had to say goodbye because it is so so difficult. It seems to get harder instead of easier!

 

Anyway, we shall see.... I hope everything is going well for you too and wish you the very very best.

 

Kisses! xxx

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  • 2 months later...

Hello all,

 

After all of the help and advice you have all given me over the months, I wanted to give you all an update.

 

It's now been nearly 11months since I met my fiance Tugrul and we are due to marry on 7th June (Our one year anniversary).

 

Tugrul arrived in the UK on 16th March and our lives have been turned upside down, inside out and the wrong way around in just the last month. Just with any whirlwind romance, moving in with somebody, before having months of experience of eachother, is very difficult for any couple, but when you also throw in cultural differences, a small language barrier and the fact that one of you is in an alien country and unable to work, things can be very difficult.

 

The first week was wonderful, just as had all of our other time together, however after the novelty wore off, I returned to work and Tugrul was left at home terribly bored. We argued over the most petty things, wound eachother up and took offence over things that were not meant to be offensive. Why? Well I'm sure there are many reasons. Both of us were very insecure. Him, that he was in a new land and that I may use it to my advantage and he would lose his independence, and me, that he was Turkish and I'd heard so many horror stories, I was positive that if I backed down to anything, I too would lose my indepence. Both being firey and stubborn, this was a recipe for disaster.... So.... as you should in a relationship, we decided to sit down and TALK! There was surprise on both parts and we were both quite upset that the other felt as they did. Tugrul was so honest with me. He told me how difficult he was finding things. He missed his friends, his family, his independence and his life. I was upset and asked him if he wants to go home.... His response "No, because I missed you more than I miss all of those things".

 

I was honest with him about my fears and he won't be ashamed for me to say, he cried. The fact that I could think that of him really hurt him... He does nothing but encourage me. If I suggest seeing my friends, he tells me to go for it. If I can't decide on an outfit, he chooses the sexiest. If I come home from work tired, he pours me a glass of wine, cooks dinner and puts a washload in the machine. He is absolutely not your stereotypical Turkish man. He does hold Turkish family values, is obsessively clean and wants nothing more than to provide for me and protect me as my husband, but all of those things, I love about him. He is a gentleman, honest, kind and although he is an old fashioned, red blooded male, he is not afraid to play a more passive role.

 

I can honestly say that I thought I was fully prepared to date a Turkish man but I don't think that anyone can understand how difficult it is until they do it. Long distance relationships are hard.... But they are the easiest part. The hardest part is building a relationship once you're together, learning each other under stressful circumstances and supporting each other. Tugrul is still finding it difficult to settle in, and I know he will continue to, atleast until he is able to work. We starts college tomorrow, where he is improving his english and gaining qualification which should help when he can start to look for work. And hopefully he will make some friends and feel more settled and independant.

 

We are going ahead with our marriage, because after a lot of talking and realising where changes need to be made and compromise is needed, we are so happy together and we now work together as an amazing team. We love eachother dearly and wouldn't want to be without each other. That is what marriage is. It is not perfect. It takes work and understanding.

 

I wanted to give an honest update because I see so many women contemplating a relationship and looking for advice, but they aren't necessarily ready to listen to it (Just like me). Perhaps reading other people's experiences will help them.

 

Some relationships work and some fail.... It's the same everywhere. But when you add complications and differences to the mix, the chances of them failing is greatly increased.... even if you find a nice, non-stereotypical Take-a-Break, Turkish man who isn't using you.... It is not easy. Please don't be fooled into thinking it is.

 

You have the long distance relationship.... That is hard and can cause a lot of heartbreak and loneliness, then if you go down the route deciding to live together, there is the stress and difficulty of applying for visas. That drove me to the edge and my doctor even wanted to put me on antidepressents.... I ended up really ill and losing 2 stone! Collecting information, making sure you haven't missed anything and then the submission itself! We were lucky enough to have a straightforward application. With Tugrul's german background, my salary meeting the requirements and us having nothing against us apart from the short time we had been in a relationship, we had a 3 week wait and a first time Yes! Which is rare to say the least. I thought that was the worst over, but as I said before, once he gets here is when the hard work starts.... And I know it's not over for me... Tugrul is happier, but desperate to work, we have a last minute wedding to plan, then we will need to do the application all over again within the UK for him to get FLR. Once he has that, trying to find him work will be another mission. One that neither of us is expecting to be easy but that we will conquer together. And then we will deal with houses, finances, children, etc just like any other couple.

 

I have no regrets in following my heart and I am by no means trying to put anybody off if they believe they have found true love, but I do believe that before rushing into anything, women should fully understand what it is that they are starting. It is a snowball of events and takes two strong and loving people to make things work. Love itself is not always enough, but if you truely love eachother and have a solid, honest openness and will between you, you can make it work.

 

In the last month that Tugrul has been here, I have learnt so much more about him, his character, his background and upbringing and the more I learn about him, the more I love him. I can't wait to be his wife and I know he will make a wonderful husband and eventually a fantastic Baba.

 

Thank you again for helping me to get to where we are now. I can honestly say that your advice and words of warning have helped me to not get too swept up in things, to keep my eyes open and to be realistic, whilst following my heart and my dreams, ut not letting them rule my head.

 

Big big hugs and lots of love xxx

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Ash,  

Thank you for keep us updated.  I really wish you and Turgul the best.  I know long distance relationships are tough and that the transition is even tougher. I'm sure that there will be many more tests on your relationship and I sincerely hope that you both continue to talk things through and work things out.  In the end, your relationship will be stronger for it.  

Hugs...

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  • 1 month later...

Well we finally did it!!

 

Tugrul and I married last week on our 1 year anniversary of meeting! Posted Image

 

I have to say, I have never been happier. We did have a rocky patch when Tugrul first got here, as I already mentioned, as our relationship was put into a pressure cooker on fast forward and we had gone from barely seeing each other, to living together.... with another family.... whilst he adapted to his new surroundings.... whilst I adapted to being financially responsible for 2 people.... Whilst planning a wedding.... whilst he was out of work and whilst still getting to know each other. But we definitely came our the other side and with just the right amount of compromise on both parts, we survived and will continue to do so.

 

I feel like the luckiest woman in the world and for now, I am so glad that I took the risk with my Turk Posted Image I have married my best friend and I trust him with my life. We are two peas from the same pod and although we are both stubborn, we have learnt to compromise on both parts. He treats me so well, always carrying bags, opening doors, covering me in the night if I look cold, cooking wonderful meals and running me a nice hot bath and pouring me a large wine for when I get in from a hard day at work. I know all of this will wear off, but the way he looks at me is like he's looking into my soul. He's so intense, yet he' so relaxed. And he's hysterically funny! A day doesn't go by that I don't laugh so hard my tummy hurts. But he can be serious when he needs to be. In his first month here, he escorted me to my Nan's funeral and was such a comfort. He even helped me to comfort my younger brothers as I'm so protective of them and I was getting upset seeing them cry (He'd only met them a few times). I don't know where I would be without my husband now and I still can't believe how much our lives have changed in just 1 year.

 

We applied yesterday for Tugrul's FLR and he was granted it without question which is fantastic!! He can now begin to look for work, which is great. It will take financial pressure off of me and allow Tugrul to begin to settle and feel like he is home. Being able to support me and "bring home the pork-free, turkey bacon" will make him so happy! Although he's a modern man, he's still very much a proud Turk and relying on me for everything has been the hardest thing for him.

 

We are due to return to Istanbul in August to visit Tugrul's family and then we can start thinking about a proper honeymoon! Woohoo! Posted Image

 

I wish all of you ladies and gents that are starting out all of the very best. Be cautious, but be happy. Enjoy it for what it is and try not to get swept up. Things have gone quickly for Tugrul and I, but if I'd had any doubts, even up until the day we got married, I would have pulled out. I'm a very strong minded woman. We are waiting for a couple of years before we have children as we still do not have the foundation to start adding children to the mix. Both of us want to be sensible about all of this, even if his Mum is already trying to feed me up on olives and telling me she sees babies in my coffee!! Haha! Wishful thinking I think Posted Image

 

Anyway, waffling and gushing I'm afraid.

 

Thank you all for your help. If anybody has any questions, I'm always free to help where I can Posted Image x

 

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Ash - Your pictures are absolutely beautiful.  Congratulations to you and Tugrul and may your life be full of laughter, love and understanding.  Thank you for sharing your story with us as you do give women hope.   I'm so happy for you both!

 

Xoxoxo...

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