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Virtue7

Please Help With My Turkish Wifes Behaviour's/moods

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Nobody can judge the situation unless they are in it for themselves. Even then it's not easy, and nobody can predict the future. If you don't try, you'll never know if it could have worked or not. So it seems reasonable to me to try.

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Nope she has gone crazy again and isn't talking. I bumped into an old school friend in a town 4hrs from my home town. I was there for my friends funeral who had committed suicide 5 days earlier. My school friend had also flown to this town to go to the funeral. She asked if she could get a ride to the funeral as she didn't have a rental car. I said yes. My wife rang me 20mins later to say goodnight before she slept. She asked what i was doing and i said i had met an old school friend who had come for the funeral also and i would give her a ride to the funeral. She yelled at me called me all kinds of names as well as being a liar and a cheat then wouldnt talk to me. I messaged and tried to call her many times. She wont answer or if she does answer she just calls me terrible things. She said she doesn't want to talk to me again ever and that was 5 days ago.I give up. I deserve better. :( Actually much much better

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Virtue, if you know that it upsets your wife if you mention other women why did you tell her you were with your old friend. Why did you not simply say you were going to a funeral? From what I read here you seem to have lots of women friends.I am not insecure but I would not be happy if my partner had women friends on Facebook (he does not have a Facebook account) or drive around women I did not know when I was thousands of miles away.Your wife seems to have problems but I think you need to look at your lifestyle.

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Aston you mean to tell me that its my fault i bumped into a friend from school on the street who was in town for my friends funeral?? NZ is a small place this happens probably once a week here. I didnt even know she was coming to the funeral i don't have her number and i'm not friends with her on FB. I told my wife because when she rang me she asked if i was alone and rather than lie and i knew i was doign nothing wrong i said i had just bumped into my friend from school and she has asked for a ride to the funeral. This friend from school is happily married and lives in a town far from mine. I haven't seen her for about 5 years. You think i should've lied and then in 3 years time im with my wife and we bump into her again and she says something about last time we met in the town for our friends funeral. Then what am i supposed to do??My wife has FB and has far more male friends on her FB than i do. I have work colleagues, school friends, family friends. You mean to tell me i'm supposed to cut all of the female ones? I have only become friends with one female friend in the last few months and my wife has become friends with maybe 10 male friends. ?? I'm friends with her sisters and her female cousin on Fb is this not allowed? Can you tell me where i'm supposed to find the FB rules to a Turkish marriage?From what i have learn't over the years the friends that stick by you in times like this are the ones that will stick by me in the future. Whether it be male or female. My wife has not stuck by me one bit in the last 3 months. "or drive around women I did not know when I was thousands of miles away." I knew this girl from school. Infact we were actually born in the same hospital one day apart and are mothers were nurses together!!! You mean to tell me if your husband was at a funeral and someone like this asked him for a ride your their friends funeral you wouldn't let him????? JeshAre you sure you're not insecure??

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I agree with you Virtue you do deserve better.My worry is that should she come to NZ what sort of life will you both have. You have already said that she doesn't like your best friends wife so are you suppose to drop all your friends and only have friends she likes. Maybe she will decide she doesn't like the job that you are doing because you work with females. Whilst things could get better in time they could also get a lot worse.It seems to me that you will have to change who you are completely if you wish to have a life with your wife. As I have said before we all have to change in someways when we marry, but if you have to change the sort of person you are you shouldn't be with that person. I also said maybe you should stop flogging a dead horse and I am still of the same opinion. Do you really want to carry it on as neither of you are really happy, and I don't think you ever will be, but of course it is your life and you must live it as you see fit.You have read differing opinions here but only you can decide what you are going to do. You are the adult in this relationship and sometimes we all have to make a painful decision in life to end a relationship and stand by it.

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Virtue, many of us who have long term relationships with Turkish men have endured many months of separation and so there has to be trust on both sides or the relationship will not work. When I met Mr Aston, there was no face book or skype we kept in touch by phone calls and visits months apart.. I am far from insecure at this point in my life or relationship.Your marriage sounds toxic but making the decision to leave your wife is in your hands. I wish you well

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You can't tell someone that they can trust you, and then withhold information from them. That is a lie of omission. You can't live your life constantly deciding which information to provide and which information to withhold. Eventually, she would learn about some of this information you were withholding, and it would only serve to confirm her preconception that you were not being truthful. You made the right decision in my opinion. What happens as a result is her decision.

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Human communication is much more about getting on with each other than information transfer. Whenever we speak we make choices about what we say and how, taking into account the situation and what we know about the person we are speaking to.When communication stops us getting on with each other there is a reason, either there is a misunderstanding of what the other person expects, or some thing is being shown. Speaking without considering the other person’s feelings may involve an attempt to gain power over the other person, or some kind of identity-doing may be going on. I think that is what is going on in this case.

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I can only say that Virtue was asked a direct question to which he gave an honest answer. Considering what was going on in his day he probably wasn't able to screen what he said before he said it. I do think that Virtue has tried his best but sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try, you do need at some point to admit defeat for everyone's sake. Maybe this is a case of marry in haste, repent at leisure.Aston made a comment about the relationship being 'toxic' and I agree. I also agree with what Ken said below. Who's opinion is right or wrong I don't know as they will all be based on what we have experienced in our lives or how we perceive a relationship to be as none of us are a trained psychologist.

You can't tell someone that they can trust you, and then withhold information from them. That is a lie of omission. You can't live your life constantly deciding which information to provide and which information to withhold. Eventually, she would learn about some of this information you were withholding, and it would only serve to confirm her preconception that you were not being truthful. You made the right decision in my opinion. What happens as a result is her decision.

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I think the girl is very insecure in her relationship with Virtue, eg asking if he was alone (as if suspecting or expecting he was with someone -- a female!). She is still unsure of him (and perhaps a little jealous?), and needs constant reassurance that he has eyes only for her. Remember, she had already failed in a previous relationship and wants to hang on to this one.

Virtue, please be aware of your wife's sensitivities, and try to use workarounds when talking to her. I'm not suggesting you tell her whoppers or anything like that, but until she overcomes this distrust and distaste of the slightest mention of other women (even old school friends), isn't it wiser to avoid that for the present? You (and we) know you aren't unfaithful, and in good time she will learn the same. :)

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Ok thats all great but for 7 days she hasn't talked to me so until she does i cant tell her any of these things. I tell her i love her and how much she means to me every single day we are together. (and talking)Yes i don't go out of my way to tell her that i have met an old school friend but when i am asked directly i cannot lie. I had to say yes. If i lied which i just couldn't do then she would've heard the hesitation in my voice and would've known anyway and distrust me even more.What about the time i went swimming with everyone else on the boat on our honeymoon. I didn't say or do anything. It just purely happened to be that two other girls in the water swimming to were single and somehow she couldn't perceive that although i am in the water in view she thought that somehow something was or could go on. On that same trip she didn't speak to me for a day because one of these single girls was asking me about my job right in front of my wife. My wife couldn't understand why i was talking to her. She said i shouldve just ignored her and/or stopped the conversation. I mean really that's impossible. But again it's not just insecurity to an extreme it's other things. Like what wife would not talk to their husband on their honeymoon because i took too long taking a photo of her?? Would any wife out there leave the honeymoon altogether because i said something that was taken the wrong way? That day she didn't speak to me for the whole day and didn't want to even be near me at night then the next day didn't speak to me at all then left me with her friend that we met for lunch and didn't even say goodbye to me. Can you imagine how much that hurt me?? The questions i had in my mind.Another time in NZ i flew her with me to our capital city and took her sightseeing. I took her to a Turkish restaurant for dinner then some shoping afterwards. I bought her some dresses and shoes then when we left the shop she said i made her feel bad when i bought the things for her like i didn't really want to. She didn't talk to me for a day after that. When i went the other day to my best friends 30th birthday party she didnt speak to me for 3 days because my wife doesn't like her. That's not insecurity. Whats that. ?Another time i was staying at a hotel for the night because of work. She messaged me earlier in the evening but for some reason i didn't get the message on my phone until 5hrs later at 1am. It woke me up and so i called her to say her message had only just come. She didn't talk to me for 2 days that time because she thought i was up to something and ignored her message. And whenever i go to this town 4 hours away where my friends funeral was she gets so suspicious and asks me why i go there so much. I have a house there and i have a property business there. She has been there twice before and seen my property. I have to go there once a month for my business. But i can't go there without the fear from her suspicions. This town has just 2000 people so of course i'm going to bump into friends every day. Guys and girls. I lived there for quite a few years i still have many friends there.Its got to the point i can't live my life normally because every which way i turn i am trapped with having to tell a lie or to hide something or at the very least try to not be myself and judge every single thing i do. Sinking to new depths :(

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I know what you mean Meral but this insecurity is extreme and if she acted in the same way in her other relationship as she is now it's no wonder that it failed. I don't know any Turkish wives that would feel bad if their husband brought them new things.Honestly Virture I don't think we can say much else to you because we are going round in circles. Some of us say stay with her others say you should put an end to your marriage. She may get better if she had counselling but maybe what she is like now is what she is always going to be like.When people post on our forum with problems we often say to them 'if a friend was telling you this what would you advise them to do', So I'm saying the same thing to you, what would you advise your friend to do in the same circumstances?It's time you make up your mind about what you are going to do and stick with it.

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With all the additional things you've been telling us about her, I'm starting to agree that she has a huge problem and needs professional help. I wonder what her female friends think about her behaviour? Or whether she confides in them about the "problems" she has with you?Whether or not you will be part of the solution (I mean, convincing her to seek help & standing by) is entirely up to you. I know you love her, but will you be satisfied with letting things drift along as they are? For how long? I wish you the best of luck in sorting it out!

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I still don't think the wife's behaviour is particularly extreme. I think I have witnessed similar behaviour at work and socially over the years in 3 different countries. She just seems unable to overcome her immaturity and insecurity and control her behaviour when angry in order to protect her long-term happiness. She does seem to be extremely jealous, though, and that will be difficult to overcome. However, the same kind of event is what triggers the unreasonable behaviour, and it does not seem insuperable to me, over time. However, thinking through it all a bit more, the lack of self-confidence is likely cause further problems if she comes to NZ, in connection with work and English language proficiency, so it is a very difficult situation. Some kind of professional guidance when they are together does seem advisable, but the couple may not get that far, sadly.

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I personally can't see things changing if/when she comes to NZ as she acts the same way when she is with you as when you are apart and that's no way to live, unless you like walking on eggshells, so I would suggest you call it a day. Although it will hurt both of you I think it will save more pain in the future.As Abi says, you have been given everyone's views on your situation so now it's up to you to decide which path you wish to take. Not easy so I wish you good luck.

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Hello all, in fact i have to register to this site just to comment on this topic. Actually i am facing same thing with you, i have been dating a Turkish girl for about a year and some months now and i can't remember any week we don't fight. All the things you said she did to you has been done to me like deleting me on Facebook and instagram and deleting my pictures, she is so jealous and picks up fight at any little thing that should be normal and that really gets on my nerves i just feel frustrated some times and wonder if she is possessed by some evil spirit. The truth is that i love her and i really want to marry her but her attitude (OMG) is something else. she doesn't want me to socialize with people but she has a whole lot of friends both male and female and she hangs out with them which i see nothing wrong with because its normal but in my own case she will accuse me of all sort of things. She can make a good house wife and a good mom from what i see in her but just her level of jealousy and attitude pisses me off. 

By the way i am Nigerian and she has no problem with my skin color unlike most turkish girls and i am sure she loves me but she is just trying to limit my social life and has indirectly made me lose most of my friends, i don't even go out that much to socialize with my peers and do normal activities every human being should be doing.  I have her pictures and the ones we snapped together all over my Facebook but each time she accuses of cheating even when i have no intentions about that.  This is really disturbing for me and a kinda crazy for me to think about. I was just trying to learn about Turkish girls when i saw your post and it just seems exactly with what i am facing. But to my observations i think the problem is their religion and culture, they are not quite sociable even though when they like something they can not do it or go for it because of their culture unlike western European girls or Americans even where i come from girls don't get this jealous, its just normal to have female friends and that doesn't mean you doing anything bad with them. 

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Hello all, in fact i have to register to this site just to comment on this topic. Actually i am facing same thing with you, i have been dating a Turkish girl for about a year and some months now and i can't remember any week we don't fight. All the things you said she did to you has been done to me like deleting me on Facebook and instagram and deleting my pictures, she is so jealous and picks up fight at any little thing that should be normal and that really gets on my nerves i just feel frustrated some times and wonder if she is possessed by some evil spirit. The truth is that i love her and i really want to marry her but her attitude (OMG) is something else. she doesn't want me to socialize with people but she has a whole lot of friends both male and female and she hangs out with them which i see nothing wrong with because its normal but in my own case she will accuse me of all sort of things. She can make a good house wife and a good mom from what i see in her but just her level of jealousy and attitude pisses me off. 

By the way i am Nigerian and she has no problem with my skin color unlike most turkish girls and i am sure she loves me but she is just trying to limit my social life and has indirectly made me lose most of my friends, i don't even go out that much to socialize with my peers and do normal activities every human being should be doing.  I have her pictures and the ones we snapped together all over my Facebook but each time she accuses of cheating even when i have no intentions about that.  This is really disturbing for me and a kinda crazy for me to think about. I was just trying to learn about Turkish girls when i saw your post and it just seems exactly with what i am facing. But to my observations i think the problem is their religion and culture, they are not quite sociable even though when they like something they can not do it or go for it because of their culture unlike western European girls or Americans even where i come from girls don't get this jealous, its just normal to have female friends and that doesn't mean you doing anything bad with them. 

 

Hi I would like to contact you. I'm in a similar situation and I'm also African. Do you have an email or skype or something? IMO its not worth it, she most likely won't change. Run while you can.

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This sort of behaviour is often the product of insecurity and immaturity.

 

Young people in general, and women in paticular, carry a great burden of expectations on their shoulders. Expectations come from parents, other family members, religion, ethnicity, friends, teachers and employers. These expectations are often contradictory. Trying to meet these contradictory expectations makes some young people’s behaviour erratic and irrational. What all the expectations have in common is that they require obedience from the young person, not choices. The young person feels insecure because they cannot decide which expectation takes priority, they do not feel in control of their own life, so they fell insecure.

 

People learn maturity by making decisions, big ones and little ones, for their own lives, and by having to take responsibility for those decisions. By the time some young people reach their early twenties they have had very few or even no opportunities to make their own decisions. They may have been kept at home or with older family members every moment of their lives. They may not have made their own choices concerning what or where to study at university, or their career. When being interviewed for courses at Masters and PhD level, students, esepecially female students, are often accompanied by their parents.

 

All this means that in a relationship young people do not know how to make their own best choices. The precedents they experienced in the family have taught them that people control each other and require obedience. That is why they try to control who a partner speak to and meets, for example on facebook. Through new experiences some people may be able to learn new ways of behaving. However, someone who has a tendency to want to control others may not be able to change habits that have been learned from an early age. 

 

Talking about these issues can be extremely difficult, because people have strong defensive mechanisms to avoid changing. Questions can be taken as criticisms, criticisms as insults and insults are casus belli.

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When I got married all was well, then we moved here to his country. I can't say he changed, I think that's a mistake most of us make in relationships, to say that they 'changed'. The mask he was wearing fell off and it was sink or float after that. My advice on relationships is to take some years to decide, don't be implusive, and let your head and your heart make that executive decision to ensure that you'll be forever happy with the one you choose. 

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