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Virtue7

Please Help With My Turkish Wifes Behaviour's/moods

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Hi to everyone. Im just new here. Im so confused please help me if you can. I married my Turkish wife just 2 months ago. I am a New Zealander. Im 36 she is almost 24. We met while i was in Turkey on a business trip. I was working in the Middle East but now im back home. I flew to istanbul 3 times to see my girl and we talked every day on skype. We got engaged in Turkey on one of my trips and she had just 6 months to go of university. I met the parents and got their blessing and even was allwoed to bring her to N.Z for two months before we married. We married in Sept in Istanbul and now i am back home and she is in Antalya finishing her exams in 2mths. (she failed a couple so had to go back)While we were dating and seeing each other she had some really aggressive moods/behaviours over the smallest most pathetic things. Things that were so small that i couldn't even pick exactly what she was angry about. She can go from being extremely loving,caring,genuine etc to just vile in a matter of minutes.You will ask why we married. Well i put most of this down to misunderstandings which it was often, cultural, and boundary testing since we were new to being together and also her age.Now we are married we talk twice a day for hours but every 10days or so she just goes crazy over the smallest thing. I send her money but its always an issue whenever we talk about money and she makes me feel so bad because she always says i make an issue out of it. She gets incredibly jealous over the smallest things like when i go to the gym or even at work with work colleagues. She hates my best friends wife whom she met here in NZ and has gone absolutly vile after i said i was going to her birthday party. She said she cant understand how i could possibly go to her party when i know she doesnt like her. She has said many times now she wants a divorce and can never be with a man like me and can never come to N.Z to live and i call her bluff and say "ok if thats what you feel". She wont talk to me for 5 days then come back to me saying she misses me like anything and loves me so much. In the meantime she has deleted me off facebook. Changed her name back to maiden name on facebook and takes her picture of us off?Even on our honeymoon she went crazy and actually left our honeymoon for a day and night because i swam with some other girls and guys that were on our yacht we were sharing. She doesnt swim but said i could swim. There were three single girls and some couple guys and we all swam together but she said a Turkish man would never ever swim with other girls while his wife is not there? Ive told her how hurtful that is when she does that and please not to do that but talk to me instead like adults. So when we have the next argument (which seems to be over nothing) she immediately goes to facebook and deletes her account or changes her name again.Its got to the point now im about to buy air tickets to go and pick her up and bring her back to NZ. Plus getting her visa. Weve discussed having children. One week she says she cant wait to have children with me and the next week she says she wants a divorce? Are these just cultural things, or misunderstandings, or what?????? Anyone with similar experience with Turkish woman. A N.Z woman would never ever behave like this. Not even close. Not even a 23yr old one.Thanks so much in advance for your help.:(

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Hi Virtue7 and welcome to our forum. Sorry to read about the problems you are having. You asked if these were cultural things etc. Some Turkish man and women do tend to be jealous it's true but I really think your wife is going too far and is not rational. We do have Turkish females who are members so it would be interesting to see if they will write with their opinions on the matter.In my opinion I would think very long and hard about taking your wife back to NZ. You have obviously talked to her many times but still the situation remains and I think the situation will get worse and she will continue to make your life hell. Obviously the decision is yours, but I don't think it is possible for her to change and I think you know that. Even allowing for cultural differences her behavior is unacceptable and wonder if she has mental health issues.I'm sure other members will comment on your situation but I wish you luck and hope you keep us posted. :)

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hi virtue , welcome to the forumit is really miserable experience with a turkish woman , I am turkish and I can say that not all turkish women behave like that and it has nothıng to the wıth cultural .things yes sometimes it is true that we can be jeaolus but not that much . there is nothıng wrong your swimmimg wıth other girls unless you have sexual relatıonshıp . moreover you are a foreigner and she knew it . maybe she doesnt trust you or , she has no confidence in herself or she has fears of losıng you .but deleting your name on face is really a chıldısh manner and unnnecessray action . maybe she is trying you ,but it seems that thıs relatıonshıp wıll be hard to handle , good luck wıth her

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Thanks so much for your replies. I could tell you more stories like this but i just don't have the patience to write them all. All are so small that it's almost embarrassing writing about them and it wasn't me that behaved like this.I have actually told her both of the things you have mentioned. I said to her that this behaviour is so childish and asked if maybe she could see a mental health problem. Probably not the best things to say but when someone has just told you they want a divorce after 2 months of marriage i didn't care anymore i just wanted her to see her ways and maybe seek some help.I really love her so much we have some outstanding times together and amazing affection but that makes it even worse when she behaves like this.Anymore replies with advice would be great. It helps me understand that i'm not a mean, selfish, disgusting person that she says i am during these outbursts. I have looked at myself so closely while at this relationship and tried to be tolerant and loving throughout the name calling and personal attacks but there becomes a limit that my soul can handle. :(

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How well do you know her family history, in particular with regard to her parents' relationship? i ask this because Turkish men (and this is only a generalization, but it does hold some truth) are notorious cheaters, and some of them even go so far as to openly keep mistresses. If she has had to deal with this with her parents or other family members it may explain the explosive jealousy issues (i say this from experience). i'm not saying this is necessarily the case in your situation, but it's a possibility to consider...

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Turks can be jealous but this is excessive jealousy and it sounds as if your wife has Borderline Personality Disorder; Some of the symptoms are:-

1, Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days.

2.Often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

3 Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger

4.Seemingly mundane events may trigger outbursts..

5.People with BPD also have a hard time calming down and stay upset longer than others

BP Disorder is not treated with medicine but with Counselling and Therapy and is curable

Istanbul Whiteboy has a valid point as BP Disorder is thought to start in adolescence where the person is vulnerable and becomes affected by family and external issues.

You are not at fault and in away neither is your wife, You need to seek Psychotherapy help for her. In the meantime try to set some boundaries and don't put up with her behaviour.

What is happening to you happened to someone I know, his wife was so jealous she would even follow him, she started rows over nothing and even locked him out of their home. She was later diagnosed with BDP.

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Thank you Istanbul/Whitboy. Very valid points there. I have spent about a month in total living in the family home in Turkey. The parents are married happily for 28 years but as far as i can see i wouldn't say they are really loving towards each other. The mother doesn't wear her wedding ring which i thought was strange. The father is very ncie and i get on with him just as well as the mum and as far as i can see he is very faithful. He actually starts work at 9pm and drives young female singers to bars and waits with them while they sing then drive them home at 4am. I would think this is very trusting of the mother.The youngest 19yr old sister is married recently she does say some strange things about her husband and has even accused him and beating her but i don't think its true. i don't see this in him and she stays with him none the less even though she could move home at any stage.The oldest sister has some very funny mood swings also. She is 26 and unmarried. (My wife is middle of the girls) The older sister continues for 7 years now to see a 38yr old married man with 4 children. He didn't tell her to begin with he was married with children but she found out after he met the family and the family asked questions. He will never leave his wife and children (youngest is just 2yrs) because he says his wife is his uncles cousin or some kind of relative like that. She has been with him for almost 7 years now and often breaks it off but he gets threatening and waits for her outside her work and says he will not let her see another man and so she ends up back with him again. This all goes on behind the parents backs in secret. The older sister says some really nasty things to my wife (her sister) for instance the day before we married she said to my wife that she doesn't want to help her with her sh*t wedding and she will just get divorced in the end anyway. So my wife doesn't speak to her for a week then they make up and all is good again for a few weeks until the next mud slinging session.I have in no way given my wife any reason to think i would ever be unfaithful to her. I do travel a lot for work with female colleagues but if i do i always call her many times as i know she likes the reassurances i'm being faithful. But she did know this about my proffession when she met me. She was a virgin when we met and obviously is not now. Her family know this and i would assume she has a lot more to lose than me in the future if this doesn't work. She never asks for money and i struggle to give her money so it ends up in an argument always. So i doubt this is a scam at all.She does struggle sometimes and has told me she doesnt like knowing that i have had past girlfriends. I am 36 so ofcourse i've had a few. I thought i'd cleared out all my old photos from holidays and the likes but she went into my computer and still managed to find some photos of me with girlfriends (all innocent) and this time she did not talk to me for 2 days and sulked and called me all kinds of names. But still married me 2 months later. RegardsWow Aston,those 5 points you list are exactly what my wife behaves like. What you have written is like a mirror of my wife. Like i say, i really love her and have put up with her through the bad times as i said i would and promised myself when i married her.But how do i address this and get her to see someone. I did say to her once that maybe she needs to google some of these symptoms but as you can imagine this didn't go down well at all. Her parents don't speak any English at all so i can't talk to them. There is no way i could tell her this and think that she would take it upon herself to seek help.Once again thank you so much to all for your help and advice its really making me feel better. Its great that everyone on this site gives constructive advise and help.

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I think it is possible that once you are together in a stable situation things will improve. She seems to be coming from a volatile environment where people venting their anger on each other by saying hurtful things is the norm. I would say nearly all of the difficulties stem from individual personal factors rather than cultural issues. I don't think it would be advisable to broach the subject of therapy while you are apart, but once you are together it may be possible to move in that direction. From a distance it will be difficult to have a positive effect.I have noticed that there are young people (not most) who are extremely possessive (male and female) and expect exclusive rights on boy/girlfriends. Monitoring boy/girlfriend's facebook for communication with members of the opposite sex seems to happen quite a lot.

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Fil has made some really excellent points, Once you are together in New Zealand where its probably easier to get the sort of help and support you need, things may improve dramatically.I really wish you all the best in the futurePosted Image

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Welcome to our forum Virtue. I see that you have been given some very good replies. From what you've said it does seem that she comes from a rather disturbed background and as Fil says, once she is with you and settled, hopefully she will be able to see that she needs to get help, although it might not be that easy as there is a big stigma in Turkey against any type of handicap including mental disorders.I wish you well for the future.

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Hello Virtue,So sorry to hear your breaking marriage and her behaviours. I think that it is always easy to marry and hard to carry on a healthy marriage. I am sure it is not only for a Turkish marriage, but also any other marriages from different nations and cultures. I also believe a divorce should to be the final solution. Perhaps, you may able support her to undergo a therapy.Regards...

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Hi Virtue,even though I agree with Aston that this could sound like BPD I really don`t think that this is the case with your wife. To be quite honest in my opinion you married a spoiled and naïve teenager who is now faced with being “Married” even though she doesn’t live with you.She is expected to finish her education and then presumably? move to the other side of the earth to live in a totally different culture, with people she has no connection with and openly dislikes, with a man she hardly knows and who is half her age again.I think that in her darkest moments she is probably scared to death and is acting accordingly. I`m sorry but these days 23 years often means nothing, I see young people every day who act 10 years younger then I would have done at their age. In my humble opinion you went and married one of them.

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Thank you Mous64 and Mrslawyer. I do understand and agree with some of your comments. Unfortunately we would've loved to have more time together before we married. With 100,000 messages on FB and 100 days together you would think you know someone fairly well. I agree that 23 is very young. However it is not young for Turkish woman to marry. I am only just 36 and she is almost 24 so really only 12 yrs difference. My parents married when my mother was 22 and my father 35. So 13yrs and they are happily still in love after 40yrs of marriage.I think as far as relationships go though my wife is very naive. I think this can often be the case with Turkish relationships as many don't get the chance to live together first. My wife was so lucky to be able to come here before marriage. NZ isn't a horrible place thats for sure. For most its the dream place to live. However it is very different to Turkey.The real concern for me is the snap changes of behaviour. The absolute loving and then the absolute anger. I can't compromise or explain to her as that makes things worse. If she thinks i am talking to anyone about the anger or arguments she will become real vile. Even accusing me of doing this when i'm not. When we do argue she will bring up things from past arguments that have nothing to do with the current one. I am the kind of person that would like to talk things through but i'm learning that if i'm to any chance of not being attacked or accused i have to just step back and not talk to her at all for 2-3days. Thats tought when you're on the other side of the world and miss your wife more than anything.We have just had a very rough 5 days but as of today all is back to its loving, caring self again. I just hope this will last for a while but i know or should i say i'm counting down the days to the next snap. :(I feel like our relationship is a car on a straight road with no brakes. That's fine until the corner comes!!!!Regards

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I suggest the minute she starts going into one cut the connection and as you said leave it for a day or two until she learns that you will not accept this type of behaviour Obviously being Mr Niceguy doesn't work.

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OMG so all was on track last couple of days. She has said many lovely things and told me how much she loves me and all was back to normal. Until this morning. I became friends with a 5yr old friend on FB. It's a SHE. She lives in a city far away and we have been friends for 5yrs. Met through another friend. No history whatsoever between us. She asked to see our wedding photos so i said go on FB and friend me and you will see them all. My wife saw that we were friends this morning and asked who she was. I told her the story about wedding photos and that we have been friends 5 yrs. I even told my wife about her when she was visiting NZ. But my wife has gone again. She said she doesn't trust me (i aksed her a week ago if she really trusts me)(she said she did). She says that's the answer to my question now. She doesn't trust me. I explained the friendship that i have with this girl and that its purely platonic. she would even like to come to our NZ wedding (if there is one!). There was no reply. I messaged her and said are you talking to me? Still no reply. That's where it's finished? Now begins 2, 3 or maybe 4 days of no talking. This is doing my head in something wicked.I'll keep you posted to the FB name change and photo change. It must be only a matter of hours away.:(

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Stop trying to explain everything to her, it obviously doesn't work. Let her like it or lump it. You must have known that she would react the way she did from her past behaviour so why are you surprised? Were you trying to wind her up?

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No not at all. I want my friends to be able to see our wedding photos that i proudly display on FB. I haven't explained anything more than she is a friend of 4 years and she wanted to see our photos. After i said this she stopped talking to me.

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Hi Virtue,

just to come back to a few things:

"With 100,000 messages on FB and 100 days together you would think you know someone fairly well" ..to be honest... messages on FB don`t really count at all and 100 days together are just over 3 month, knowing someone fairly well after that time? I don`t think so :)

My husband and I got married quite young, we were both 22 and it took us a good 5 years of growing up together to proper know each other (and I still have my doubts sometimes after 25 years :P )

" However it is not young for Turkish woman to marry" I personally think that nationality doesn't really come into it.

"I am only just 36 and she is almost 24 so really only 12 yrs difference" as I said, half her age again :)

"So 13yrs and they are happily still in love after 40yrs of marriage" exactly, I agree with you, 40 years ago an age gap like that would not have mattered as much, in many cases because the man was the bread winner and the woman was there for kids and household, both partners knew what was expected.

As for her unreasonable behavior, it really does sound like a teenager to me, you only have to mention other females to her and she totally looses it, probably because deep down she is scared and insecure, I assume that your female friends are a bit older then her and more sophisticated? try to look at it from her side, she must feel threatened by them, reasoning doesn't come into this.

I agree with Sunny, the only way is to take the wind out of her sail by reassuring her that you love her but that you are not willing to deal with this kind of behavior and ending the conversation.

But this is only my opinion, chin up, if you love each other she should have grown out of it in another 5 years and even if living with her wont be easy, it wont be boring either :)

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Young people’s apparent immaturity is no accident. They are subjected to concerted efforts from the family, education and religion to undermine their self-confidence and prevent them from being able to decide for themselves. The aim of these efforts is to secure control and obedience, which are more highly valued than achievement or success. That is where she is coming from in all this. It is a question of her self-confidence, not trust in you.Another thing to consider is that however trustworthy you are, a dishonest, deceiving adulterer would use exactly the same arguments to convince their spouse.Words are unlikely to resolve anything, especially at a distance of thousands of miles, but deeds over time will, through the development of a life together. That is what you have to look forward to, and in order to get there it would be better not to rock the boat at this stage.

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As said before from what you have written about her it's no surprise that she reacted in that way and you should have expected it. If you decide to stay together even if she has BPD and she has counselling and therapy there is no guarantee that she will be cured permanently. Sometimes they relapse and in some cases they may need to take medication to keep this condition under control.You really need to make your mind up as to whether you stay together and hope she does get control over her emotions in time, in which case you will need a huge amount of understanding for a fair while as there is no overnight cure or end the relationship. Whatever you decide I wish you luck.Here is a link about BPD, there is a lot to read and she must see a doctor to get a proper assessment of her condition.

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Many thanks AbiYes i guess i just keep forgetting i just cant be my usual self. I continuously have to keep thinking ahead and ask myself will this anger her. Remember i haven't been in this situation before so i seem to learn by feel. I remembered on our honeymoon she got really angry after i took too long taking a photo of her on the beach. She didn't talk to me after that for 4 hours and went and sat by herself for the rest of the boat cruise.I did read about the BPD and i really am living a life of walking on egg shells around her and every so often i slip up. Because i just have never been anywhere near this kind of situation before. I thought rather than talking to my friend via email or text and her wanting to see wedding photos its best to have it all out in the open on FB rather than behind her back. I don't want to pretend or lie that i'm not friends with her and we never chat. My wife also has many male friends who she becomes friends with on FB that she meets at university and even has beers with them sometimes. But i can't become friends with my friend of 5yrs on FB?It's going to be a real tough relationship in the future. Even being together i think won't help or fix many of these things. I work for an airline so she can go back to Turkey very often easily. I have told her i would like to see her visit her family once or twice a year and i would like to live in Turkey for a little when or if we have a family so our children can embrace their heritage and language.

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It's going to be a real tough relationship in the future. Even being together i think won't help or fix many of these things..

I agree as you have certainly got a mountain to climb without any guarantee of getting to the top. I definately recommend that if you do stay together that you delay having children until her condition is under control.

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Is it not a bit hasty to diagnose a young woman with a mental illness like this? especially with something a vague as BPD?

This is done so often these days i find, "oh he/she is difficult he/she must be: depressed/have ADHD/BPD etc. ?

To be quite honest most of the symptoms fit to perfectly healthy people, they fit me, or have fitted me in my youth. And I assure you I am not and have never been mentally ill Posted Image

One thing is safe to say Virtue, nobody can walk on eggshells forever and not being yourself or hiding things from her will only make it much worse in the long run because if she discovers the truth (and she will at some time) she will see that as a betrayal of her and she will loose all the trust she may has build by then, mentally ill or not.

A bit of patients, empathy and stable, consistent behavior from your side will go a long way but that's only my opinion, I wish you all the best for the future

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many thanks mouse64. I'm really trying to do that. I'm thinking ahead and asking myself if this could be taken the wrong way or seen as being unfaithful.I am only human though and not perfect so i do make mistakes.These moods/fits can start from something so innocent and she will just keep attacking me and turning my story around and changing it and making it sound worse, then bring up something from the past. So as of 36 hrs now when i made my friend on FB mistake she stopped talking to me and still isn't. I just left the attack straight away and haven't made any contact or explanations since.I hope this works.What i'm finding is this is 14yr first boyfriend kind of stuff. I guess for her it is kind of like this because i am the only real relationship she has ever had.I'm keeping patient and thinking empathy, being stable and my lips are sealed. Wish me luck. Many thanks

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