Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Bill951

Some Help - Please, Engagement Ceremony And Marriage In Turkey

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

Hello,

If anyone can help me to understand the current Turkish engagement ceremony and marriage, I would greatly appreciate it!

I was born & raised in the US. She was born & raised in Turkey. We are both over 30. She was married and is now divorced. I have never been married. She is Muslum & I am Catholic (no relationship is perfect). She has been in the US for about 2 years - where we met. Aside from some problems, she is wonderful. We both wish to be married. She told me I should do research on her culture & marriage in Turkey - I did. What I found was that the current cultural process of engagement is considered by most people in Turkey - a tradition. According to her, we cannot be married without her brother's and mother's approval (her father has passed). In fact, she has not even put on the ring I gave her months ago (although she accepted it). We are planning a trip to Turkey soon for the engagement ceremony - when she brought up the cost... The engagement ceremony will cost me $20000 or so. After spending over $6000 on the ring, this seems excessive. I fully understand that weddings are expensive & we will likely have two ceremonies - one in the US & one in Turkey. But, $20000 for an engagement ceremony...

Is this normal? Both the money & the definitive nature of the family’s approval - especially given this would be her second marriage. In addition, we are older, I have a very nice home, & need nothing (although would appreciate wedding gifts of any kind).

At this point, she is upset and feels disrespected that I have questions. I have no interest in disrespecting her or upseting her - I only wish for her happiness.

Any help to enlighten me would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Bill

Share this post


Link to post

Well, to start with there is no legal requirement for having her mother and brother's permission to get married but obviously it is better to have their blessing.As far as engagement parties go they can be as small or as big as you want, or rather, she wants. It sounds as if she wants to show off her rich American!I think you are right to voice your concerns but do be warned that Turks often throw tantrums/sulks to get their own way. I've been here over 20 years and am married to one (and his family).I suggest that you read the link to give you some idea of what you are getting yourself into. http://www.turkeycen...to-a-turk-work/

Share this post


Link to post

Welcome to our forum Bill. As Sunny said engagement parties can be small or large depending on how much money you have. If you were a Turkish man marrying a Turkish woman it is expected that the grooms family pay for everything including the brides dress. But you aren't Turkish and she should consider American culture, not just her own. So if she want's you to pay 20,000 USD just for an engagement party how much is the wedding itself going to cost you especially if you are going to have 2 ceremonies and you are expected to pay for both?

I think you ought to sit down and have a talk with her unless you have a huge amount of spare money. I feel she should be realistic as this is going to be her 2nd marriage after all, and would be different if she was also contributing to the costs.

Let us know how you get on. Posted Image

Share this post


Link to post

Thank you very much!I was very upset - to get her way???Not sure, maybe.But, it is nice to know that my concerns about the amount of money are justified.And, the rest was informative.For a different reason, she is upset with me. Even 5 dozen roses did not help - ??Thanks again!

Share this post


Link to post

I thought it was the 'culture' here that the bride's family pay for the engagement ceremony and the grooms family pay for the wedding.If you are willing to part with $20,000 then I wouldn't just give it to her family. I'm sure she's lovely. I'm sure she's great and fun to be with...but make sure you account for every penny (or cent) of the money you give to her family.Tough love i'm afraid...there are families that will go to a lot of lengths to dupe money out of foreigners.

Share this post


Link to post

WOW ! $20,000 for an engagement, for that amount of money you could get engaged to me if I were free !Posted Image In 2011 the average Turkish net salary was approximately $355 per month so.$20,000 dollars would go along way for a family. You need to be very careful or you will be putting your hand in your pocket forever if you don't sort this out now.

As a woman I think 5 dozen red roses is a bit over the top, you must really be head over heels in lovePosted Image and she must be able to sulk as only a Turk can Posted Image

Share this post


Link to post

Bill,Please don't be upset if the views expressed on here are not what you wanted to hear.But I've heard a lot of cases where $20,000 is just a starting sum. Soon you MIGHT be asking to pay for operations or trips for family members that you'll never see. I don't know this woman from Adam... and 9/10 times there is genuine love out there, but as soon as someone is asking me for $20,000 the alarm bells start ringing.If you're paying for the engagement ceremony then organise it yourself. Don't hand over the money then be surprised if your ceremony is at Mehmet Amca's fish restaurant and you're paying extra for the tea.

Share this post


Link to post

Again, thanks for the help. As far as the amount of money, she said that we would need to have about 20000 to buy jewelry for her family - I presume her mother. At the engagement ceremony. She was also mad at me & for that reason - may have inflated the amount. Partly why I am asking.Again, thanks.

Share this post


Link to post

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that you are very close to being the victim of a scam. Get out while you can and go find someone else, you are currently at the mad end of being madly in love.

Share this post


Link to post

oohh my godd 20.000 just for engagement ceremony , Posted Image sorry but it is nonsense , no family in turkey pay 20.000 dollar for it as everyone said you can have a small ceremony at home too . this amount of money is really huge for the wedding ceremony too. I am turkish but I never demanded this kind of money and precious

jewellery for my engagement and wedding 15 years ago ))) if I demanded maybe he wouldn't leave me , hah it is my fault I think Posted Image

Share this post


Link to post

Again, thanks for the help. As far as the amount of money, she said that we would need to have about 20000 to buy jewelry for her family - I presume her mother. At the engagement ceremony. She was also mad at me & for that reason - may have inflated the amount. Partly why I am asking.

Again, thanks.

I hate to say it but when I read this post huge alarm bells started going off because I don't think she is being honest with you. Which part of Turkey does she come from? Is she saying that it like some kind of dowry? If it is, as she is over 30 and already divorced they should be paying you to take her off their hands. Are her family very poor? I believe this practice is still going on in some parts of the South East but generally had died out in the rest of Turkey as it is considered to be old fashioned.

When you marry a Turk you also marry their family, if the family are short of money you will be expect to hand it over. It could be for operations, because they can't pay the rent etc. Sometimes it true, but sometimes it's just a scam. What I will say is if a family is poor they can get free medical attention in Turkey. I don't wish to disrespect any of our Turkish members but it has to be said that some Turks think that foreigners have an endless source of money. Even Turks who marry foreigners and live outside of Turkey are expected in some cases to support their families back in Turkey and their marriages have run into trouble. Whilst it seems that foreigners earn huge amounts of money, Turkish people don't realise that the cost of living outside of Turkey is very high and we need that sort of money to survive. I suspect that when you visit Turkey you will be expected to buy gifts for the family. This is also a problem area and causes a lot of friction in Turkish/foreign relationships. Lists can be as long as your arm and gifts range from modest to very expensive and the more you give the more they will want. Whilst there is nothing wrong in giving gifts. I would just stick to token ones for the mother and anyone else living in the house. Don't bring mobile phones as they will need to be registered by you or someone who has entered Turkey within 30 days and cost 100 TL in Tax and about 25 TL to registered with the network provider.

As I said before you really need to sit down with her and talk about things. Ask her what she expects from you in the future in terms of money, does she expect you to convert to Islam or the children brought up in that faith. If it's not sorted out now it could sour your relationship and it will fail in time. I know that you are madly in love, but glad you are taking a step back and asking questions. I have a feeling that she is taking advantage of you knowing that you love her very much and in her eyes is thinking that you will do anything she asks for. If you don't you will get cries of how much shame it will bring to the family and the endless tears, sulking and tantrums, so just ignore that and tell her whilst you may not understand her culture she obviously doesn't understand yours and that there has to be a compromise.

We do have male members that are happily married to Turkish women so I hope they will also contribute to this thread as Clinky has done. I also hope that other Turkish members will also respond.

Share this post


Link to post

I agree with the others, alarm bells are ringing. It is the bride who should be receiving gifts not giving. Attacking you because you question her is a common form of defence so that makes me doubly wary. I think you are being sensible asking questions, in fact she told you to learn about Turkish culture etc. didn't she, so why is she cross when you do just that?Could I ask what she is doing in the US, is she working, on holiday or visiting relatives?

Share this post


Link to post

Thank you for the help. It is greatly appreciated. First, she is a beautiful woman who was happy & for the most part, easy to get along with. However, over the last month or so - I have noticed her more & more insisting that she have her way.... I enjoy pleasing her & I do love her - but, it is a problem. I will try to speak to her more in the near future & maybe we can work it out. Extravagant spending or supporting her family will not be very likely. I have my own bills. She is upset with me at the moment & I am not sure when we will speak. She has a reason to be upset about the situation (personal) & I am too. But we are both responsible & she just blames me.... And, so far - just bitterness.... Again, thank you & please forgive my ignorance of current Turkish culture. I have learned more here in a couple of days than reading online (as time permitted) for months. I will check back soon.

Share this post


Link to post

I'm pleased if the forum has been able to help you, even if it's just in a small way as that is what we are here for. I know you said she has been in the US for 2 years, but how long have you actually known her for and what is she doing in the US is her visa due to run out.

It's a shame she feels that you are not respecting her by asking questions. My Turkish husband was happy when I asked questions about marriage and Turkish customs.

I'm sure she will be in touch soon, but you need to stand your ground so that she understands you are not a pushover. It doesn't matter how beautiful she is, it's the person she is inside that is more important as looks do fade in time.

Good luck Posted Image

Share this post


Link to post

As Abi says, I'm glad if we've been able to help you. It's very difficult when you are dealing with different cultures as you don't want to step on anyone's toes.She may be a beautiful lady but take your time and see if you can get to know her better, as she doesn't seem to be behaving very well at the moment.

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Bill, and welcome. I've been following your story, and I too, think you have an awful lot to sort out before proceeding with engagement. Her attitude seems to be my way or the highway -- which isn't fair in any relationship, cross-culture or otherwise.

There must be lots you would want to know from her -- was her first wedding like this? ....I mean, demanding so much from the groom and/or his family? And why did the marriage fail? It would have been nice to be able to have met her family prior to any marriage commitment, but it's too late now.

I know there are still families who practice old traditions such as demanding gold, livestock & other goods from the prospective groom. Before I met my husband, his cousin tried to arrange a marriage between him and a girl from such a family. He received a long list of demands, including jewellery, furniture etc. He thought it was OTP & asked them to reduce the list since he had just done his military service & had no job. The list came back with just one item of gold less, so he cancelled the whole thing. The girl apparently found someone else but got divorced soon after.

I guess what I'm saying is, you need to find out what's really behind all this business, and why your reluctance to play along (or simply ask questions) makes her so upset. Otherwise your future life together may turn into a continuation of the current state of affairs. Please take care, and good luck. :)

Share this post


Link to post

Thank you again. I have known her for about 9 months or so. Her last marriage only lasted a year or so. Apparently, they just did not get along. We did until a problem occurred. Again, then the discussion came up about her family's approval being a necessary & the cost of jewelry & gifts (also necessary). The fact that she was very upset may have "inflated" the amount. From what I have read online at various sites - is that this tradition is not practiced anymore. All she said is that I should learn about her religion and culture - I have tried. This site & actually having questions answered has been the most helpful. As far as converting, I told her not now - but for her & the sake of children we may have in the future (who would be raised Muslim, I may. I am Catholic - although, not a very good one - I do not attend church regularly. Right now, I am not sure we will make up (or, she is not ready to yet).But, thank you all for the help. And, for the welcome to your site.

Share this post


Link to post

If I were you I would be having serious doubts about marrying her. If she is acting like this before you are married it begs the question of what she will be like after you marry. If you want to go ahead with the engagement I would make sure it is a long one and get to know her more as Sunny suggested.

Share this post


Link to post

Do not be taken in by her cold attitude to you at the moment, it is likely to be a ploy to soften you up so that when she deigns to speak to you again you will fall over her with gratitude and agree to everything!

Share this post


Link to post

Well, I am not sure about ploy - but, she is still upset. I would be very happy to make up & have a relationship with her again. But, extravagant spending can just not happen. I would be happy to help her family - but, I have my own responsibilities & bills. Maybe if she is willing to comprise, we can work it out.Again, thank you for the help, to everyone. If I have questions in the future, I know where to go & ask...Bill

Share this post


Link to post

Just one more point, it is you who should be upset after buying and giving her a very nice ring she doesn't wear.I wish you luck.

Share this post


Link to post

I agree. I was, and asked her. She said I must know her family & have their permission. She explained, us getting married would not be easy & if her family did not give their permission, we could not be married. Only then would she wear the ring. Although, she accepted the ring.But, I do have it back now. As for being upset, I currently feel awful for her blaming me for something we were both responsible for - details are not important now. And again, this is the same issue that I feel the amount of the engagement ceremony may have been inflated.But, I do not know what to think - I to am just upset. If we speak again soon, maybe this issue can be pit in the past & she will be more reasonable about the engagement ceremony & a wedding. Maybe.This site has certainly been helpful though - and I thank you and all who helped.put in the past (not pit)...This phone has very small keys.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  
×
×
  • Create New...