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American Man Dating Turkish Woman

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Won't it also involve circumcision if it's necessary?

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Jacklepet71 I think you misread/misinterpreted my post.

I've nothing against anyone converting to another religion to marry, that wasn't my point.

I'm married to a Turkish woman, however she isn't Muslim. It's not a prerequisite for ALL foreigners to convert.

yes ı dont mean you are agaınst convertıng but you used ( have to ) expression Posted Image) one of my close relatıve is marrıed to an amerıcan too.and she dıdnt request hım to conver t Posted Image)) ı meant it

Jacklepet71, no prejudice was intended for sure, however Clinky is right that it is expected that a non Muslim man should convert to Islam to marry a Muslim woman. This is not just in Turkey but throughout the Muslim world.

Muslim men can marry Jewish or Christian women (Women of the Book) but it is not allowed for Muslim women to marry non Muslim men. This is because Islam is passed through the father. There are always exceptions in life and it is possible that some people marry without the man converting but usually it is expected.

Here is the verse that explains this;- And give not (your daughters) in marriage to Al Mushrikun (atheists) till they believe (in Allah Alone)” (Al-Baqarah: 221)

oh nooo you are totally wrong sure it ıs allowed for muslım women to marry non muslım . ı am turkısh . but it depends on the famıly's mentalıty . some famılies may be conservative but not all of them .we are really a secular country but ı dont mean people who ıs rulıng the country ( recep tatyıp erdogan ) Posted Image))

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Hello All,Just a quick update on my situation--my girlfriend Seda is back in Izmir finishing her final year at Ege University, but plans on returning for another work and travel program this upcoming summer. I am planning a trip to Izmir around April--I just need to save enough money for a plane ticket.Things are going incredibly well--the distance gets a little tough sometimes, but I trust her much more than any of my previous girlfriends.The only problem is she has still not told her parents of our relationship out of fear they may restrict her from coming to America this summer. I am very willing to convert to Islam if that is what her parents wish (I have been learning about the religion on my own, and I may convert regardless--this is the most faith I've ever felt). I think she is just nervous to tell her parents and they will be okay with everything, but how the heck do I know? I really hope that they will see the love that I have for their daughter and accept out relationship. I am currently learning a little bit of Turkish so I can communicate with them.Any advice with the parents? I don't think her Dad is especially protective--she seemed to be much more concerned with her Mom and definitely her brothers reaction.Hope everyone is doing well, I know I am =)

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Meral said in an earlier post 'While the family may have afforded their daughter a good deal of independence, when it comes to marriage, traditional values may prevail'. So it maybe that even if you convert to Islam they will still not accept you, even if they can see you are madly in love with their daughter. They may not want their daughter to marry a foreigner, they may not want her to live overseas.

I have no advice to give you regarding the parents as I have never met them. Really only your girlfriend can advise and guide you through that as she obviously know them best.

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Thanks for the concern everyone.

Quick update:

I have not yet made it to Izmir, and she could not find a job in America so she is not here for a work and travel either. She graduated from college, which is a great accomplishment, but now she must move home with her parents in Samsun and find a job.

So, we are now at a standstill...her Dad asked her if she had an American boyfriend and she did not lie and said "yes". Seda said he was not overtly angry with her, but he seemed sad about the situation. This was about a month ago, and they have not discussed the situation any further. She is planning on doing so very soon, which I think will dictate where we go from here.I am at a loss for how to see her--our last resort is that we would get engaged and she would come here on a marriage Visa, but neither of us want to do this to her parents; we want them on board with our relationship. If she discusses the situation further with her parents and they say no, we will be married--but we definitely want their support.

I really want to visit as soon as possible, but it is so expensive and now we have the issue of her living with her parents instead of in Izmir with roommates. Ugh. Luckily we are still committed to each other 100%, but we really need to be together as soon as possible.

I am seriously considering pursuing teaching English in Turkey as a way to be with Seda and spend some time in another country.

If anyone has any ideas (available jobs, visa types, language learning schools, etc..) please don't hesitate to PM me or respond in this thread.

Thanks everyone!Thomas

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Sorry to hear how things have worked out, but not surprised to hear of her fathers reaction to your relationship. Maybe when she gets back to Turkey she may be able to talk her father around, but it may take a while to do so.

Good luck :)

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I could say so much... I'm married to a Turk and his family is WONDERFUL and also very religious. We live outside Phila and he was here to improve his English. LONG story short, he's still here with me and we've been married over two years with a precious little boy. (Mashallah!)

Anyway, I converted and have been gloriously happy ever since. It's as if I was blessed that day I gave my life to Islam and I haven't looked back.

Just the fact that she said to her dad that yes, she does have an American BF is HUGE, if she really did that. (Not that I'm suggesting she's lying.) Traditional families like the one I married usually introduce the children to their potential spouses so they are in it from the start. The fact that she's gone out on that limb and that he's only sad means that he's open. That's really good!!! Have you Skyped with them??? That could be a start. Or start saving up to visit. Or just put it on a credit card, knowing that you'll pay it off with all the gold you'll be getting at your wedding! : )))

If you have more questions, I'd be happy to answer them.

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" I converted and have been gloriously happy ever since. It's as if I was blessed that day I gave my life to Islam and I haven't looked back. " I cold not have said it better myself! Congratulations.

Yes, she really did say yes when her father asked her about me --which I think will be good for the future as he cannot look back and accuse her of lying. Seda and her father have a very close relationship, and he has never known her to have any boyfriends in the past, so I think he was just a little overwhelmed with facing the fact that not only does she have a boyfriend, but an American one.. I am sure he can predict that she wants to eventually live in America, etc.

I know that it must be incredibly difficult for her to talk to her father, but this is the next step in our saga. The only conversation that has been had is when he asked and she said yes, so Skyping is down the road but probably a good idea.

I am looking into language learning schools for Seda, but they are expensive. I am trying to not let desperation set in too much, but it is coming up on a year since we last saw each other and we don't know the next time we will be able to (maybe if I visit tky, if she finds a job, etc...) we just don't know!

Thanks for listening everyone, it helps.

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I was always wondering about Turkish girls. I have seen some in the media and they are pretty hot. I have never met one but most people in my area who are Middle Eastern are usually Lebanese or Israeli. I dated an Israeli girl and of course she came from an orthodox family. It did not end well because she was not support to be dating me for religious reasons and when I was with her it was fine but I could never meet her parents and she did not seem to interested to meet mine. So I felt weird in this situation and ended the relationship because it just seemed dishonest to me and that it would just end bad so I gave up with it. Lebanese people are not as uptight here from the majority I have met. Albanians and Israelis are very uptight and generally do not mix outside of their groups from my observations. My friend is half Lebanese and German, his family is not really religious but conservative politically and in opinion. 

 

I find Middle Eastern women to be somewhat traditional in their values. They respect marriage, family and customs which is important to me but I am not really interested in religion. I guess I am an odd ball hahahaha.

I would date a Turkish girl ; ]

" I converted and have been gloriously happy ever since.  It's as if I was blessed that day I gave my life to Islam and I haven't looked back. "  I cold not have said it better myself!  Congratulations.

 

Yes, she really did say yes when her father asked her about me --which I think will be good for the future as he cannot look back and accuse her of lying.  Seda and her father have a very close relationship, and he has never known her to have any boyfriends in the past, so I think he was just a little overwhelmed with facing the fact that not only does she have a boyfriend, but an American one..  I am sure he can predict that she wants to eventually live in America, etc.

I know that it must be incredibly difficult for her to talk to her father, but this is the next step in our saga. The only conversation that has been had is when he asked and she said yes, so Skyping is down the road but probably a good idea.

I am looking into language learning schools for Seda, but they are expensive.  I am trying to not let desperation set in too much, but it is coming up on a year since we last saw each other and we don't know the next time we will be able to (maybe if I visit tky, if she finds a job, etc...) we just don't know!

 

Thanks for listening everyone, it helps.

I hope you it worked out sounds wonderful. Are you a Frenchman by the way? [by heritage I mean].

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Jim--This is my first experience with a Turkish woman, and I am sure they are all not the same.  However, from what I have seen from Seda and her friends, they will usually have good core values as far as Marriage, being faithful and taking care of their husbands go.

Seda is wonderful in every way possible, in the limited time we had together she showed her absolute love and loyalty.  Of course it is nice that I think she is absolutely beautiful. I am truly a lucky man.

The best part is she is her own independent, smart, and strong woman.  She is very sweet and warm but will not hesitate to keep me behaving well .  If you are looking for a woman who you can kind of control (in a bad way), a Turkish woman is not the one for you.  Apparently women from the Black Sea Region (my girlfriend) are notoriously STRONG women--not like physically strong--but confident and independent. Of course I show her the utmost respect, but she is not shy to scold me about something (I think it's good to be challenged by someone).The best part? I am visiting Turkey in January!!!!!!!!!!!  This will be the first time that Seda and I have been together since October of 2012.  I don't know if we would have made it without Skype every day and Whatsapp.  It's amazing that I trust her more than any of my previous girlfriends, and she is in a different continent!  I will be flying on Turkish Airlines into Istanbul.  We will visit Istanbul and her college city of Izmir, as well as some other attractions. I am so excited, I almost can't contain myself.A quick note about your "not being very religious" comment--I was raised Christian (but never felt very religious); I had no idea about Islam.  I am very interested in religion too and by the time I graduated college, Islam was pretty much the only one I hadn't explored.  Without getting into too much detail-- I have never been this happy and I strongly recommend you look into Islam--just be careful the source where you get your information.  Also, check out Turkish girls =)  They are the best, in my opinion =D

Also--I have lived in America my entire life and I am of Scottish, Welsh and English descent.  I don't know my exact genealogy though.

How about you--are you pursuing a Turkish woman?  What is your nationality?

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I just wanted to say how much this forum helped me. I fell head over heels for a Turkish girl recently and I've read all of the comments here. I am soon flying to Istanbul to volunteer for 6 months at a handicap school for children, so that I will have a job while i am there teaching music. But as important as that is and fulfilling, I will be able to see her and she will be only 45 minutes away. If you need help getting there, I dont want you to have to wait longer than you need to. If I can help anyway, just ask friend.

Also, her father knows of her dreams to one day study in America and supports her. And she said that he has a love for American film. I suppose that helps rather than hinders my situation. lol

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Congratulations!I am going to Istanbul and Izmir one week from tomorrow.  I cannot describe how excited I am!! I will be there for two weeks.

 

Thanks for the support and offer to help--I will probably need a lot of it while I am searching for a job in order to make a semi-permanent move to Turkey.

 

Best of luck and have fun in in Istanbul!

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Hello Every one!

 

It's amazing to look back at the beginning of this thread when I first started dating Seda, and to see how in love I was from the very first week!

We are still together, madly in love, and I will be visiting her in Samsun next month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Her parents are not yet ready to meet me, as most on here know , it is complicated dealing with Turkish families.

 

I may have covered some of these things before, but her parents are aware of our relationship and while they are not actively against it (they are not telling her she must leave me, etc), they are not asking "how is Thomas" , "when will we meet him?" etc...  Of course, this hurts my pride a bit as I know they will like me if they give me a chance.  I truly know things could be much worse and I'm optimistic that they will accept our relationship in the future.

 

Seda has a good job with the Sheraton Hotel, which could be beneficial for future job prospects in the United States (if that's what we decide to do) . It's her first real job out of college, and great experience for her.  Basically, we are figuring out our next move together.  It has been over a year again since I last saw her in person.  Our relationship has become rock solid over the years, however neither of us want to be long-distance forever.

 

I think what will happen is I will move to Turkey in about a years time and teach English, or something of the sort.  At this time I can meet with her parents and learn more about her culture, etc.  From there, I would love to live close to my friends and family, but I know Seda wants to do the same...As long as we are together every thing will work out.  Things just start to become a little complicated when we think about getting married and having a family (which we definitely want).  We have discussed marriage and we both want it, but I am trying to decide when the best time to propose to her is.  I think I should have her parents permission to even propose marriage, what does every one think?

 

It's not a question of if , but when do I propose? I REALLY want to do it as soon as possible because I know she is the woman I want to marry. However, something inside of me knows I need her parents permission to even ask her...I know what I want to do, but I also feel like I know what I SHOULD do...

 

Thanks for reading all, hope every one is well =)

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In this situation, I think I would ask her what you should do.

 

I don't know how Turks are in Samsun. But from my experience, sometimes Turks seem to have a hard shell, but once they get to know you, they can become your best friends. If you are polite, courteous, and try, I think your future in-laws will see this and accept you for who you are. They probably have some persistent misconceptions of you as a foreigner. These will probably go away once they get to know you.

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I was reading up on your story and really happy that the two of you will be together again really soon. I do agree that it is very complicated to deal with Turkish parents.  You say that they are not totally against your relationship but this could be that they do not see you as a threat yet since you are so far away. Dating and marriage can be two complete ball games for them. Although they might agree with you two dating from a long distance, they can react differently and put their foot down if they find out you are in Turkey and your intentions are to marry in the future. You definitely have to be aware that you do need their approval for your girlfriends hand. They will completely be devastated if they find out that their daughter is engaged without their consent. This can make the situation even more difficult. I would work on having their approval first and then move forward from there. When you visit try to see where you stand are and what are your chances....because even if your girlfriend really wants to be with you, she will be devastated if her parents do not agree and therefore it can make the relationship rocky. Good Luck with everything!

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You might want to read what the Turkish Cultural Foundation has to say about marriage:

 

An excerpt:

"Agreement to marry (söz kesimi) follows the process of asking the prospective bride’s hand in marriage."

 

Stop the separation, come to Turkey and try to get to meet the family. You will wait forever if you have to wait on them. Time is on their side. If your lady really wants to marry you, and IF she has a good relationship with her father, and IF he really loves and cares for his daughter the will consent to a meeting. If they are NOT willing to meet you, then either she runs away with you to the States or you forget about a marriage to her.

 

It would be a good idea to prepare your parents to come to Turkey to meet her parents and ask for the marriage of their son to the other couple's daughter. You should have a great Turkish translator available and he/she should teach you the appropriate phrases for both the "asking" as well as what you say to the prospective bride.

 

This is what I used, taught by an old friend, the second phrase is very old-fashioned but conservative parents might like it.

Benimle evlenir misin?
Bir yastıkta kocayalım mı?

 

If your lady friend has a conservative family, whether rural or urban, you have a very long way to go if you get married. The cultural differences will be steep. I am married to a very modern woman who was "over 39" when we married and who had a grown daughter out of university. We have been married for nearly 15 years and we still occasionally grapple with cultural differences. Americans especially have a hard time with this.

 

Do NOT think you will have an easy time getting a job, teaching or otherwise.

 

Good luck

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I get a little jealous when I read this thread. As an American woman, we are not treated with this kind of reverence, but then again I am also free to marry whom I choose. It sort of explains why some Turkish women expect all to worship the ground they walk on, and yet are jealous of women like me who are free to choose anything in life. Sorry to get off topic, I do wish you both the best, and I'm sure if you follow the advice especially having your parents meet her parents, things could work out very well for all involved.

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I hate to be the voice of gloom and doom, but you wrote that as long as the two of you are together, things will work out.

 

SOOOOO not true!!!

 

You asked when the best time to propose is...  NOT until you put ALL your cards out on the table and talk about REAL stuff... not just love.

 

You want to eventually be with your family.  She wants to be with hers.  You can't have it both ways. 

 

It's easy to get married to her.  But know what's going to happen?  In a few years, you'll be posting how to get divorced and researching the legal system in Turkey.

 

If you respect her at all, you'll go there and demand to meet the parents.  Get them to realize your intention with their daughter.  Then, she can make decisions, full well knowing how her parents will behave.

 

You have yourself living and teaching in Turkey, married to her.  This is fantasy land until you start talking real life issues.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but someone has to snap you into reality.

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Thank you very much for the responses, good and bad. I will address more specifically as I have more time, but tatertot I'm afraid you don't know what you're talking about. What gives you the impression that Seda and I have not talked about real life issues? Our lives revolve around real life issues; it's sometimes ALL we talk about.

What's fantasy is thinking that I can stroll into Turkey and demand any thing. We have both decided together that this is not the right time to meet her family. We have been together for 3 years and we are in no hurry to rush things along, I guess I gave you the wrong impression. Our relationship has grown to be rock solid over the years and with the distance. Seda will be coming in November for my brothers wedding, so some time after this we will plan our next step.

It will be difficult, but we are both college-educated and driven so some how we will make it work financially to spend time with her family and mine.

I can assure you that the two separate stints of being apart for over a year is very much real, not fantasy.

I wish I could say I respect your opinion, but I'm not really sure where it comes from because it's baseless. Thanks for the input, not sure what life experiences contributed to your response but ours are not the same.

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I may have given you the wrong impression.  I didn't mean that your relationship is a fantasy- that's not for me to say.  What I mean is, before you get married, it's essential to hammer out a lot of the expectations of the marriage BEFORE deciding to get married in the first place.

 

I know MANY relationships that have failed and ended in divorce because the tough conversations were not had before the wedding.  Like, what if her parents forbid you to marry her.  Will she go against them?  What if they cut her off?  What if they only allow it if you move there permanently?  What if you can't find a job?  Are you going to convert?  Are you going to raise the kids Muslim?

 

My opinion is not baseless; I'm married to a Turk and have seen a lot happen to and around me.  You have NO idea how Turkish she is until you start to challenge/threaten her family and culture by wanting to marry her.

 

My husband and I ARE rock solid and his family DOES love me.  But even then, it's a challenge.  Heck, it's tough enough with two Americans.  I do NOT think my comments are baseless.  To think, "all will be fine... as long as we are together" IS a naive fantasy.  Love don't pay the rent and it sure don't make you Turk.

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