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Doubts About My Future Muslim Husband

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fuzzy

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I am a christian woman from Glasgow, Scotland and I have known a Turkish muslim man for 1 year now.

We recently got engaged and met one anothers families. My family are fine with our relationship however his family wanted him to marry a muslim girl, he declined and explained that he loved me and would marry me with or without their blessing.

I presume they have agreed to our marriage because they were very hospitable to my family and I.

Gokhan (my future husband) bought me an engagement ring and wears 1 himself, he speaks of us getting married in 1 or 2 years time and has also mentioned us having children and would like me to move to Turkey. He has not asked me to change my religion nor have I asked him, nor have we discussed our future childrens religion.

There is a lot of talk about Turkish men wanting to marry with British women for passports/visas. I am sure he is serious but this is always at the back of my mind. So the question is, how do I know if he is serious about our engagement/marriage?

Thank you in advance for you answers/help/and support.fuzzy

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The immigration laws in the UK changed on the 9th July 2012 and it is now extremely difficult for non European husbands and wives to enter the United Kingdom. To support a husband or wife to enter the UK you must be earning a minimum of £18,600 per annum for at least six months prior to the application No one else can help you to support a husband or wife.

The non European husband or wife must also pass an English language test which is a mandatory requirement of the settlement visa application. On top of this you have to have suitable accommodation, prove contact and intent.

If you and your husband to be can meet the stringent requirements laid down by the British government for the initial settlement visa , then he would be granted a visa for thirty three months to enable him to live with you and work in the UK.

After the thirty three months you and your husband must pay again and meet the requirements of the next stage and you will then be granted a second visa for thirty months. You must then meet the rules again and pay for your husbands indefinite leave to remain ( permanent stay in the UK) As the law is at the moment your husband will have to wait another year (six years in total) before he became entitled to apply for a British passport.

That is what you and your partner must do to meet the UK immigration rules.. Can you meet those requirements? We are talking about thousands of pounds in fees to the British government as well as the minimum salary of £18600.

As for your fiancés intentions I don;t believe any one can give you the answer as to whether or not his intentions are serious/honourable, this is something you must judge for yourself. I would mention how difficult it is to obtain a UK visa and see what he says. Other than that you and only you can judge his feelings and luckily he does not want to rush in to marriage..

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Hi Fuzzy and welcome to our forum and congratulations on your recent engagement. You say you have know each other for a year, does he and his family live in the UK or did you meet up on holiday in Turkey or the internet and are having a long distance relationship?. Marrying anyone from a different culture can be hard work for both sides. Does he speak English fluently, if not it's surprising how many misunderstanding can occur if neither side is fluent in the other's language.

Turkish people are well known for their hospitality, but curious that you said you 'presume' they are in agreement with because of this. Did Gokhan not tell you what they said?

If you did come to Turkey to live after you marry which part of Turkey would you be living in, would you be living in a small village or a large town or city. If you live in a small Turkish village or a town where few foreigners leave you may feel very lonely. The sun doesn't always shine in Turkey and the winters can be very cold and damp.

I don't know how old either of you are or what either of you do for work but it may be difficult for you to find a job that comes with a work permit and even if you are married to a Turk you will need a WP until you have been married for 3 years and can then apply for Turkish Citizenship which will allow you to work. If you are living in the UK and he in Turkey you should meet up as often as you can to really get to known him properly in his own surroundings.

As said already it's impossible to say whether his intentions are good or bad, only time will tell I'm afraid. If you feel at any time that something is not right, trust you feelings and don't ignore them. i would advise you to take things slowly and discuss the differences in your culture, things like how your children would be brought up, is he happy about the way you dress.i wish you luck and hope all goes well and that you keep in touch and let us know how things are going. We have a couple of members who have recently married Turks, one has moved over here recently and the other will be moving here at the beginning of next year.

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Hi Abi and Aston and thank you for your advise Posted Image

Gokhan and his family live in Turkey, Gokhan in a resort and his family in a village about 5 hours away. I met him whilst on holiday last year, he works in a restaurant in a resort. I have been back 7 times since. When we get married he talked about us living in the resort all year as his job remains open and we have also discussed me finding summer work there next year. I think this will be a good idea and if all doesnt go well I can come back to Scotland.

I have been doing my research recently and I must add that Gokhan comes across very westernised, I think he prefers our ways than the turkish ways.

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Often when two people from different religions marry, they are very lovey-dovey and don't worry about the religious differences. Then the children come, and one or both suddenly become very religious. It is then that the real conflict begins. I would certainly expect that your future husband's family will want your children to raised as Muslims, especially considering their wishes that he marry a Muslim woman. I don't know how religious you are or how religious he is, but you should definitely address this before marrying and having children with a person from another religion.

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That is a very good point Ken. We have had members on here that went through that. When they met their husbands who they considered to very westernised, but when they married that changed slowly and objected to the way the girls dressed and I remember one who's husband who wasn't a practising Muslim suddenly embracing it in both arms and made her life a misery. So whilst it doesn't happen in all marriages it does happen in some and should be thought about.

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İf he was only after your money you would be getting married very soon so relax on that one but the above comments are very good and you will have to do lots of talking and thinking. Job in the summer, I think not on a tourist visa unless you work for somebody that will apply for a work permit for you and that is getting much harder now to get.

In my experience many Turkish/European marriages end in disaster, be very careful.

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We have had members on here that . . . When they met their husbands who they considered to very westernised, but when they married that changed slowly and objected to the way the girls dressed and I remember one who's husband who wasn't a practising Muslim suddenly embracing . . . So whilst it doesn't happen in all marriages it does happen in some and should be thought about.

So true. My husband was as secular as they come--his father was an atheist, his family is old-school military, he himself was agnostic and raised in the west, went to college in California (where we met) Posted Image So I was really surprised when he objected to me wearing a tank top shortly after we got married! It's a small thing and I don't find him over-controlling, so I go along with it. But it's also true that over the years he developed spiritually, and converted to Islam around 12 years ago. And now he prays 5 times a day, fasts, etc. I myself, after my own long and protracted study and inquiry decided to convert about 7 years ago, so in our case, we both changed and also grew together. (It's also true that I'm more of a Muslim-lite: don't cover, pray only once a day, managed so far this year to fast 10 days, which is a record.) Posted Image

I think people do change as they get older, as they move out of their 20's. Many people's 20's are about having fun, exploring, getting settled in adult life with a job and one's own place, etc. But then as one enters one's 30's, thoughts turn to creating a family, and with that, I think, people start turning their attention to what they believe and what lessons they want to teach their children. Sometimes people pull away from the beliefs they grew up with--like my husband did. More often, I think, they embrace them, especially if they have happy memories of being taking to church/mosque/synagog. You don't mention your ages, but I'm guessing late 20's. I do think it's likely that he will become more conservative as he get older. Happily, many customs between the two religions are amenable to one another, i.e. Islam teaches reverance for Jesus (peace be upon him). Both religions believe in one God, which, for a Muslim, is the most important thing. It gets hairier with baptism, and the one thing that is rejected is the Trinity, or that Jesus IS God. So it also depends on how religious you are, what traditions are important to you, as well as where his family falls on the religious spectrum (i.e. do the women cover themselves? If so, then you may be in for more of a rough road, although not necessarily.)

I think the long engagement is a good sign, actually. But if you still have "doubts" a year or two from now, I would advise not getting married. The last thing you want when you pledge your life with someone is to have "doubts" in the back of your mind. This is not the foundation you want for a life together with someone.

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Welcome to the forum fuzzy.

The others have already given you some good advice. I would just like to add that you said your prepared to give it a go over here but if it doesn't work out, return to Scotland but what are the chances of getting another job (assuming you are working now) in the present economic climate? Also. as a resort worker he's not likely to have very good prospects. It's OK while you are young but what about when you get older? You are likely to have to lead a very basic life on the wages of a waiter/barman or similar.

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My ex partner is worried about her husband who is Turkish they have argued everyday for the last 6 months he was living in the uk with her but has now gone back to turkey but she is going over soon to visit him as they have just had a baby together 7 months ago but he has asked when she goes over to take there marriage certificate there? Why would he want this? She has lost all trust in him and is worried he is up to something :/ can anyone enlightening me on anything they know :/

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Hi rdlisbon89 and welcome to our forum. I'm sorry to read your friend is having problems with her husband. Did your friend get married in Turkey or the UK?. If they married in Turkey there seems to be pages where you can add children from page 8 in the red book. Did he ask her to take the child's birth certificate as well or did he register the birth with the Turkish Consulate.

The only other thing I can think of and is more likely I'm sorry to say, is that he want's the red marriage book so that he can divorce her. Having said that he could of course get a copy of their marriage but i guess it will be easier to deal with if he has the red book.

The only other thing, and I don't want to cause alarm, but should be said, is that as the child whether it is registered or not with the Turkish Consulate, will be regarded as a Turkish citizen by the Turkish authorities. Also to add that even though the child is dual national and will be travelling on a British passport, if her husband wants to keep the child in Turkey she could have trouble when she and the child try to return to the UK. He may actually have no interest in the child especially if it's a girl, and just want a divorce. Personally I wouldn't take the child to Turkey at the moment just to be on the safe side.

How long has her husband been living in the UK and what is his immigration status?

Sorry if the reply isn't want she will want to hear but it is only a guess on my part but the only one that seems logical from what you have written.

I hope you will update us at some point after she has been to Turkey as it may help others.

Good luck to your friend Posted Image

Just to add an extra bit after writing the above, He could also need the wedding book if he needs to update his kimlik from single to married if he didn't do it before.

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They did get married in turkey but have not been on good terms at all since she was pregnant he has a 2year visa for the uk but since he has been out the country for so long he must return to the uk by the 20th of this month or his visa is done with. and she is currently over there for two weeks :/ but Im worried her lil boy won't be coming back

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I'm sure her son will be actually be alright, it's just in very extreme cases that the father takes the child and doesn't happen very often, but I thought I would mention it, She should make sure that her son is with her all the time which I'm sure she is doing as he is so young.

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I don't know much about that I'm afraid, it was just that I was looking at mine and after the pages filled in for the wedding part there are pages for a child to be added.

I'm sorry if I scared you about her son as it wasn't meant to, but just meant as a word of warning. If we can help about anything else please don't be afraid to ask, we will do our best to help you.

I hope you friend will be alright :)

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  • 1 year later...

Congratulations on your engagement. My heart goes out to you and your family as I too am recently engaged into a cross cultural marriage. I'm based in the UK but originally from the US. In response to your question unfortunately you will never know what resides in his heart and mind. The muslim belief is that only God knows this information. So you will have rely on good ol trust and love. I mean there are a million things that he could be doing and plotting against you. There are also a million positive things as well. You just have to rely on your gut and intuition.

And if something does go wrong. Just remember there is a deeper reason why anything happens to anyone. Sometimes we cannot see the deeper reason. Sometimes it becomes clear to us later. If he is a practicing muslim then he should know that its totally find and valid to marry a women of a monotheistic faith. This means christianity, judaism, or islam. However he cannot marry someone outside of the Abrahamic religions unless they convert. Furthermore....you cannot be forced to convert under any circumstance. You must come forward from your own will. You definitely should have discussions about whether or not religion is an important thing. If it is what about your future children? For me....

I do doubt my own engagement every know and then. But I see it as a healthy doubt. After all....my belief in God tells me that everything comes from Him so at the end of the day even the most horrible crazy things won't ultimately perturb me to chaos. hope this help. Best to you. :)

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Posted Image here is my clear and honest confession that ı sent to an italian from slovenia.. 
 

 

let me say my opinion on your issue, I would not cheat and foolish anyone's emotions. If he is a deeply religious muslim then he would never violate Islamic order of not violating any right of anyone. 

about muslims, there are many European and modern interpretations of sincere muslims in Europe. Bosnians are the best example to mild muslims..

 

about your question, focus on his characteristic features.. analyze them very well..  search on him some signals of altruism on relationship between you and him. Focus on after marriage.. there might be cultural difference but any obstacle can be overcome with decreasing EGOs of couples. what I mean is that the pronoun ''I,Me,Mine'' should be removed from brains and hearts of two lover then install pronouns ''WE, US, OURS'' but installation can be done by trust and sincerity. Good luck.

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about worries of Gokhan's family let me express something,

 

today's Turkish family ties were stronger much more than 50 years ago. Today it is being weakened by several cultural reasons.

 

anyway, maybe gokhan's family consider marriage as a continuous link of posterity extending from past to Future. They perceive marriage not for unification of two lovers but maybe considers as raising children for future generation who will establish a continuous link of posterity extending from past to Future. and relatively the concept of bride is occupies significant place in family affairs of turks. Mother of groom firstly considers the girl presented to her as bride not as wife of my son, the sense of wife of my son is far behind in his mind...

 

Mother-in-law is adressed as Mother (mother of your husband also mother of you turks thinks so)

and there might be expectations from you

First good-house keeping

Second, Respect to Elderly people in any means..

you would get many bonus of mother-in-law for example you immediately run to kitchen when you see that mother-in-law preparing dinner table. or when you see that mother-in-law washing dishes you are too late and give her opportunity to criticize you. because you should think of before they do. but it depens of personality of mother-in-law there are some like turkish delight as characters. 

if you wish to continue your own life take husband to GB

if you wish to adventure welcome to Turkey

but again you and him together calmfully agree on any decision relating both of you.

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