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Pls Read And Comment.first Time Dating A Turkish Man

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Hello Everyone I would like to introduce myself,I am 25 years old born and raised in a super small town in Georgia. I am new to this forum and I have recently started dating a Turkish man and some things have been a little on the too good to be true side of things with him and I need to insight and some advice. I've never dated anyone that was from another country before so this is all new to me. And I just want to protect myself if need be. So I will start from the beginning on how my relationship came about with my Turkish boyfriend...

I just moved to California from a small southern town in Georgia a month ago (huge difference obviously) and my friend told me about this online dating site to where you can possibly date someone or just be friends with people and since I am new to the area I decided to give it a shot. Granted I have never done the whole online dating scene but again I gave it a shot. So I met this man (which is now my boyfriend who is Turkish) And our first date was simple we met for coffee and talked for like 3 hours. And he seemed normal. And seemed really sweet. By the second date again he was very sweet and a gentlemen, he took me to a romantic restraunt and whooed me so to speak(which I've never had that done for me before) so it was nice. And granted the date went really well. By the third date he told me that he was really happy with me and that he really liked me and all this and I felt the same way which is very true. Now we've only been boyfriend and girlfriend so to speak for 2 weeks and he's already told me that he's in love with me. And telling me that I am the only one for him, and that he can't live without me and thank God he found me, and that he wants to spend forever with me, and wants to marry me. So as I've talked with several of my girlfriends about this they all think that is really sweet of him and they say oh my god he's the perfect man.

I on the other hand think that's pretty odd especially since we don't really know one another. So anyways we've been dating for 2 weeks and I've already met most of his family that live here in California. And I have spent the night with him a few times and he's pretty much confessing his undying love for me. And says that he wants to marry me and make LOTS of babies with me. His family seems to like me which is good I mean I am very family oriented myself and I know that if family doesn't like the person you are dating 9 times out of 10 its not going to work. However his parents tell him that I am a beautiful and nice woman and that he needs to hang on to me and hurry up and marry me. He has even said that he wants to take me to Turkey this September. I have never been out of the country so its a little scary for me.

But he said that he wants to take me. Now I have googled alot of things about dating turkish men and what are some of the issues American girls have with them and I must say that I am a little freaked out. My boyfriend is very sweet, charming, and makes me really happy and treats me very very well but at the same time I feel like he's rushing things. And I feel like maybe he is too good to be true. But then again I don't want to think negative about him because I know that not all Turkish men are the same. But since we come from two different cultures that kinda concerns me. My family are hardcore southern people who freaked out when I moved out here just because I wanted to experience life. And I am afraid that with our families being so different that it will cause a problem in our relationship.

So if ya'll could comment and give me some advice on what you think that I should do or how to approach this whole situation would be great because I am totally clueless.

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Hi and welcome to our forum Southerngal. Yes Turkish man do work fast actually too fast. Has he got a green card? What is he doing the US and how long has he lived there?

My only advise to you is to slow things down and spend time getting to know him, his family and about Turkish culture. Hard I know as I expect he is probably treating you like a princess and making you feel very special right now and doing his best to sweep you off your feet.. The reason I say to slow things down is that at the moment and for a while yet you are in the first flush of a new romance where both you and he are really on your best behaviour but will it be the same say in a years time when you have got used to each other.

I would give that same advice if you were dating a fellow American.

It is very important to understand the culture of the other person whilst on the surface they may not so different to you some things are just ingrained. If his whole family are settled in the US you will find that they will have a lot of say in your relationship even if you got married. Some times it's not so bad but other times it can be suffocating.

So my advice really is enjoy your relationship but don't rush into anything, wait awhile before committing yourself to getting married, If you want to get engaged make sure it's a least a year before you get married. You are still young and there should be no rush :)

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I agree with everything Abi has said, its very good advice. The most important thing to know is if he is legally in the USA and does not need to use you to obtain a Green Card. You don't say if he is working or studying. Once you are sure that he is legally in the USA then relax into your relationship. Turkish men tend to rush headlong into wooing women and wear their heart on their sleeve.

Talk to your boyfriend and tell him its all a bit too fast for you, that you enjoy being with him and like his family and you want to know him and them better, taking it a little slower. September is more than seven months away and by that time you should have settled into the relationship looking forward to the future or you may even have parted.

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great advice from Abi and Aston, I hope everything works out for you whatever happens, take things at the pace you are comfortable with, explain this to him and if he is the one he will wait, take care and enjoy the journey.

Bearing in mind all of the stories I have ever heard about "loverats" of all nationalities I have to say my sister met and married her American husband while she was on a fixed term work visa in the States and had he heeded such warnings about her motivations they would have missed out on 20 happy years together.

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Thank ya'll for the advice. He does work and he just has a green card but he did tell me that he is working( I even checked into that just to make sure and it is true) He is also in college studying Aviation. But I agree he is moving fast and granted I am enjoying each and every time I am with him. I have learned a few things about the culture which intrigues me. However I am only fluent in English but I am learning Turkish slowly but I am getting there. Thank you all for the advice I was freaking out a for days and I am so glad that I have joined this team and have gotten the advice that I most certainly needed :)

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Welcome to our forum Southerngal. I'm glad you've found the good advice from my friends welcome.

One thing to remember is that if you marry a Turk you also marry the family and while it's good to have family support, at times it can be intrusive. As the others have said, take your time, don't let him rush you and I would also suggest that you browse the forum as there are many threads that will help to give you some insight into Turkish culture.

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Hi Southerngal, you sound very keen on him if you've already taken up learning Turkish!Posted Image What is his English like? Can you communicate OK?

I personally think two weeks is way too short to get to know someone properly, and it's far too early to develop true feelings. All this rush, rush, rush is totally unnecessary. It was different, say, in the last world war, where couples wanted to marry in haste before the man was sent back to battle - but I don't see the rush these days?Posted Image

Why don't you just let the relationship develop naturally at a normal pace?Posted Image You say you feel he's rushing things, and that he seems too good to be true - so you need to take a step back. If something seems too good to be true - it usually is.

I know every country has its own different culture, but he's chosen to live in America now, and so should be adapting to YOUR culture - after all, he approached you first - so he should be the one trying to learn all about YOUR culture and language. I know it's normal to be interested in a foreign partner's culture, but I don't feel that at this early stage you should be the one learning all about his culture and language. Besides, everyone's unique!Posted Image Just because two people come from the same culture, it doesn't mean they have the same type characters or ideals. You would be better learning about HIM as a man - rather than the country he originates from. And all the culture learning would come later, once you're in an established relationship.

Just take things slowly and see how it develops. There's no rush!Posted Image

L x

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Yes again I agree. And he speaks good English better than some that I know. And he is also learning about me and my culture as well. But again I do feel as though he's rushing things. And I've talked to him about it and he agreed to slow down. He just said that his feelings for me were developing so quickly that he was just really excited about it. And I for one was raised differently than most (which I know everyone is raised differently) but my parents always told me that the right man will take things slow to get to know the real me...and not just want to get to know me because they think I'm pretty. So its refreshing to know that he is okay with taking things at a slower pace. Granted him wanting to take me to Turkey in September is 7 months away there's no telling what can happen between now and then. But he has mentioned that he wants us to move in together several times and I've told him that is a huge step and a huge committment and that we should wait a while. And again he seemed like he didn't want to but he said okay anyway. But it is refreshing to know that he's okay with taking things slow with me. Since obviously as we all know 2 weeks isn't enough time to get to know someone. And I don't think that we really know others in years. People change so much every day and so yes taking things at a slow pace. And I know that if he can't do it then he's not the one for me. However I have met his entire family that are here in California already and the rest that are in Turkey he's tried to get me to sit down with him while skyping with them - which for me made me uncomfortable and I told him that. But I still did it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings or offend him.

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Hi, and welcome.

Does he live with his family?

I wonder why they are SO keen for him to marry you?

What are your ages?

Please listen to your instinct, and don't do things you don't want to because you don't want to offend him, do them because they feel right for you.

Turkish or not, different culture or not, he shouldn't expect you you do things you're not comfortable with. He needs to learn who you are, 2 weeks is not long enough. If he really loves you he will take the time.

Good luck.

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Hi Southerngirl, Sue made an excellent point when she asked why his parents are so keen on him marrying you.Posted Image I mean this in the kindest possible way, but most families are very protective of their children (even when their chilren are adults! ) and it seems kind of strange that his parents are so anxious for him to marry you! Besides him working, you said he's also at aviation college, so I wonder if they've considered the interference having a wife right now will put on him, while he's training for his future career?Posted Image

It seems that both of you have crammed in an awful lot in just two weeks of knowing each other : you've stayed over at his several times, have been introduced to all of his family in California, have also been introduced via Skype to his extended family in Turkey, have started learning Turkish (and coming along well at itPosted Image ) - and that's on top of all your normal dates! Phew! And that's on top of your normal day to day life of working and studying!

So yes, I do think you are both rushing headlong into this, and with all the outside influences and meeting family etc, I wonder how you've fitted in time just for each other! It's a real whirlwind isn't it?Posted Image

I'm assuming he's young, and that he's attractive too, and if he's studying at aviation college he must be intelligent as well. Have you asked him why he was looking for a woman on a dating site? I'm not suggesting there's anything wrong in proper fee-paying dating sites - they're a fantastic tool in which to meet romantic partners. Especially for divorcees or widowers who are older and have less opportunity meeting other single people, but it's quite unusual for a man in his 20s or 30s to have to join a dating site, if he has a normal social life and lives, works and studies surrounded by other people of his own age. Posted Image

How long is he anticipating being at aviation college for?Posted Image

L x

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I don't think it at all strange that parents want their son to get married, especially if they like the girl, in fact in Turkey parents often start looking for likely candidates when their children are young so if he's over 25 then they are quite likely to be pressurising him to find someone.

Again it's not strange that he would look on a dating site if he doesn't have a lot of time and has limited contact with females at work or college and he might not like the idea of meeting someone who frequents bars or clubs and looking at the emails that circulate about Walmart, he's unlikely to find someone there either!

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I don't think it at all strange that parents want their son to get married, especially if they like the girl, in fact in Turkey parents often start looking for likely candidates when their children are young so if he's over 25 then they are quite likely to be pressurising him to find someone.

Again it's not strange that he would look on a dating site if he doesn't have a lot of time and has limited contact with females at work or college and he might not like the idea of meeting someone who frequents bars or clubs and looking at the emails that circulate about Walmart, he's unlikely to find someone there either!

Hi Sunny, yes, Turkish parents do like to see their children married off when they're young, but they tend to choose someone who is also Turkish and Muslim. But if they are pressurising him into trying to marry Southerngirl - all the more reason she should be concerned!Posted Image

I don't know about the Walmart emails, but in the UK we would think it odd that a young man didn't socilaise in the normal way ; going to play/watch sport at clubs, going to concerts, nightclubs, wine bars, pubs, parties, meet-ups, work functions etc etc etc.......nearly all young people usually have a wide network of single friends - from school, uni, work etc - which is why they don't usually search online for a girlfriend, as they don't really need to.Posted Image

Of course, I suppose it's possible this guy lives in the sticks somewhere? If that's the case, he would need to find romantic interests online. Nothing wrong in that!Posted Image

L x

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"I don't know about the Walmart emails, but in the UK we would think it odd that a young man didn't socilaise in the normal way ; going to play/watch sport at clubs, going to concerts, nightclubs, wine bars, pubs, parties, meet-ups, work functions etc etc etc.......nearly all young people usually have a wide network of single friends - from school, uni, work etc - which is why they don't usually search online for a girlfriend, as they don't really need to"

Whenever I'm in the UK the young people seem to be more and more into on line relationships and I've never heard any comments about people thinking it odd. Not everyone wants a girl who frequents wine bars etc especially if he doesn't drink. As he is working and doing an aviation course it's unlikely that he has a lot of free time.

'And what was that supposed to mean, 'living in the sticks'? Do you mean living in the country as opposed to a town?

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Liza, haven't most people grown out of "going to concerts, nightclubs, wine bars, pubs, parties" and whatever by the time they are 25?

I would find it very odd that someone who is looking to settle down and start a serious relationship would be trying to pick up girls in nightclubs.

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"I don't know about the Walmart emails, but in the UK we would think it odd that a young man didn't socilaise in the normal way ; going to play/watch sport at clubs, going to concerts, nightclubs, wine bars, pubs, parties, meet-ups, work functions etc etc etc.......nearly all young people usually have a wide network of single friends - from school, uni, work etc - which is why they don't usually search online for a girlfriend, as they don't really need to"

Whenever I'm in the UK the young people seem to be more and more into on line relationships and I've never heard any comments about people thinking it odd. Not everyone wants a girl who frequents wine bars etc especially if he doesn't drink. As he is working and doing an aviation course it's unlikely that he has a lot of free time.

'And what was that supposed to mean, 'living in the sticks'? Do you mean living in the country as opposed to a town?

Hi Sunny, most young people (and oldies too) communicate online. That's true. But you'll find that the majority of young people who do, communicate with the friends they've already made outside in the real world!Posted Image They'll communicate on Facebook - so maybe that's what you're referring to? It would be most unusual for the average youth to have no real friends in real life (only cyber ones) and to have to find a romantic interest on a dating site.

If you don't think that's true, then do some research on dating sites and you'll find that there are very few young people trying to find partners. They don't need to at that age, as they usually have a wide social network and a packed social life!Posted Image

It isn't just wine bars that young people frequent - they frequent a whole host of places - as I previously said. And you'll also find that some people who don't drink alcohol WILL still go to a wine bar with friends - they'll just order non-alcoholic drinks! Not everyone who goes to a bar or pub orders alcohol! Some peole go to see their friends.

The term 'living in the sticks' is an English term for living in a the countryside where it's remote. Is that an offensive term in America, then?Posted Image It certainly isn't in England!Posted Image

L x

Liza, haven't most people grown out of "going to concerts, nightclubs, wine bars, pubs, parties" and whatever by the time they are 25?

I would find it very odd that someone who is looking to settle down and start a serious relationship would be trying to pick up girls in nightclubs.

Hi Vic,

Wow! Do you mean to say that you think by 25 years of age you're too old to go to concerts, pubs, and parties etc?!!Posted Image So at what age should people stop frequenting pubs, then? And at what age should they stop listening to live music?

I don't think there's anything odd in a couple meeting in a wine bar!Posted Image What's wrong in that?!! Where would you suggest young men go to meet the opposite sex, then?

I think it's rather shortsighted of you to suggest young men go to wine bars to 'pick up' women! Young people go to wine bars to SOCIALISE and have a good time. Of course they're bound to meet someone they find attractive - that's one of the advantages of being young and single! Hence why they don't need to join dating sites on the Internet! Posted Image

I think it's perfectly natural and normal for young people to go to clubs, wine bars etc - there's nothing wrong or cheap in that! And why wouldn't a man be attracted to a woman in a nightclub? Why couldn't he become serious about her after dating in the normal way?Posted Image

I think it's far MORE normal, healthy and natural for a young couple to meet THAT way, than it is for a young man to have to join a dating site to find a partner - when he's got THOUSANDS of young girls living on his doorstep!Posted Image

L x

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Stop being so judgemental Liza suggesting that people who use dating sites are not normal and as I've said before, he might not have time to go to places on the off chance that some of the girls there might be without a fellah.

"Nearly one third of singles (29%) believe it’s a great way of finding love (as opposed to a casual fling), and nearly two thirds of singles (57%) say it’s socially acceptable, even if 25% of people in a relationship would beg to differ. "

The dating service industry in the United States is projected to be worth $2.1 billion in 2012

There is estimated to be 1,500 dating sites in the United States.

In the UK ' in the sticks,' is a derogatory term similar to 'in the boon-docks' which is used in the States.

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Stop being so judgemental Liza suggesting that people who use dating sites are not normal and as I've said before, he might not have time to go to places on the off chance that some of the girls there might be without a fellah.

"Nearly one third of singles (29%) believe it’s a great way of finding love (as opposed to a casual fling), and nearly two thirds of singles (57%) say it’s socially acceptable, even if 25% of people in a relationship would beg to differ. "

The dating service industry in the United States is projected to be worth $2.1 billion in 2012

There is estimated to be 1,500 dating sites in the United States.

In the UK ' in the sticks,' is a derogatory term similar to 'in the boon-docks' which is used in the States.

Hi Sunny, I never said people who use dating sites are not normal!Posted Image I actually said that dating sites are a fantastic tool for many people! However, I do think that they're unnecessary for young people in their prime, who lead an active social life and have a wide circle of friends. I believe that's true - and I'm as entitled to my opinion as you are yours.Posted Image Further, statistics prove beyond doubt that young people don't usually bother with dating sites, as they have no need to due to the reasons I've just given.Posted Image

Those figures you've quoted do not reflect what age-groups the participants are - so that's really insignificant information.

And if a 'fellah' - as you say - doesn't have time to go out with friends looking for a girlfriend - how's he going to find time to date one and take her out, if he finds one off the Internet?Posted Image

The term 'in the sticks' is most certainly NOT a derogatory term, Sunny! British people who live in the countryside will often say they live in the sticks! I thought with you being English you'd know that! Anyone can look the term up on Google and see it isn't derogatory at all! Why are you trying to imply that?

L x

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I don't think there's anything odd in a couple meeting in a wine bar!Posted Image What's wrong in that?!! Where would you suggest young men go to meet the opposite sex, then?

"I think it's rather shortsighted of you" (and a bit sad) if you think that there are only wine bars where young people can meet!

I think it's perfectly natural and normal for ...

I think it's far MORE normal, healthy and natural for ...

Well, "I think" that it is a bit demagogic to decide for everyone what is normal or not. Should we open a new thread on "what is the definition of normal?"

(By the way, I agree with Sunny abouts the "in the sticks" term as having negative connotations. Usually used by snooty townies who look down on country-folk. I don't think Google is the Bible and prefer using a dictionnary or thesauraus. Alternatives: "out in the middle of nowhere", "rural, area, boring place", "a long distance away from anywhere of importance" etc. etc.)

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Hi southerngal and welcome to the forum,

Ive been reading all the posts that everyones put and agree with taking things slowly, if you feel that he is moving too fast then just talk to him about it, say that you really like him and just to pace things a little bit.

To do with dating sites, i know so many people that use dating sites to meet their partners now days, its just a normal thing in sociaty. If you had met an American man on the dating site you would think nothing of it, its just because you have met a turkish one and you have read many bad experiences!

The way i look at it is, he already lives in america, alot of his family already live there, he works there, speaks good english and is settled. If he was living in Turkey then this would be a warning point, but he doesnt so just take it slowly like any other relationship that you would usually do! Turkish men do usually have a habbit of rushing things anyways and as sunny said parents are always keen to marry off their children to someone they like!

Look forward to reading what happens and keep us posted Posted Image

Swabs xx

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To do with dating sites, i know so many people that use dating sites to meet their partners now days, its just a normal thing in society.

I agree with you Swabs, I was looking on the internet to day to see what I could find on the subject and was amazed to see that there are loads of apps that you can get just to use just on an Iphone, one of them made me laugh as it was a 'just for flirting' app. I think these sites have became the norm because people are leading busy lives these days and these places open a whole new range of people you wouldn't have normally met. As Vic said not everyone goes to clubs and pubs so this the next option. Of course there are dangers in that you can meet a bad person with ulterior motives so people if they are sensible will need to be careful.

Fil thanks for posting that I really enjoyed it.

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Where do you find these????

From my childhood memories with the help of you tube.

I knew every song from the doughnut in Granny's greenhouse. Sad, eh?

We are normal and we dig Bert Weedon.

As this is in the relationships forum, I would add that my patent method for deciding if someone is suitable as a partner for a Brit is to check their reaction to Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, Some Mothers do ave em or Citizen Smith. Mrs Fil passed the test with flying colours. I am not sure whether this approach would be of much assistance to a southerngal from Georgia though.

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