Turkish Psychological Counselor If You Need Some Ideas

[LateinBurcu 3]

Hello,

I am a Turkish psychological counselor (MA) and life coach who is very interested in cultural differences. I was also trained as a relationship therapist. So I thought maybe I can help you if you have some issues with your relationships and other daily issues here.

It would also be a good experience for me to take your opinions. Just share and I will do my best to help.

[swabs 67]

its great you have offered your specialised field to help! i look forward to seeing this topic grow and what posts get put on x

[Sunny 779]

Welcome to the forum Bengu and thank you for your offer of help. I'm sure you will be able to contribute and give advice to the many people who come to us for help, especially with their relationships.

[LateinBurcu 3]

Thank you

[LateinBurcu 3]

I come to this topic to write every day since I have started. But the ocean feels so deep that I dont know where to start to be helpful. Instead maybe you can write whats in your mind and I can share my opinions on it. Expecially when you say its hard to understand Turkish people (man/woman) what situations are you talking about?

[Lizaliza 8]

I come to this topic to write every day since I have started. But the ocean feels so deep that I dont know where to start to be helpful. Instead maybe you can write whats in your mind and I can share my opinions on it. Expecially when you say its hard to understand Turkish people (man/woman) what situations are you talking about?

Hi Bengu, I'm not sure where to start! I do know that Professor Stephen Hawking (the cleverest man on the planet) has admitted he finds women a complete mystery and still hasn't been able to work them out! So I'm not really surprised that some people say they find it hard to understand Turkish people!

Which other nationalities have you studied to compare the differences between them and Turkish people? I personally believe people the world over are very complex, although people do tend to share similar traits according to their sex and how they were nurtured. Obviously, everyone has their own type of character (intoverts/extroverts for example) but as far as stereotyping Turkish people, yes, there are certain traits unique to them - clearly imbedded in them through nurture. Just the same as people from America, England, Scotland, France etc.....we're all products of our upbringing.

I believe a lot of behaviour is learnt, and that is why some Turkish people tend to be melodramatic - they've seen actors in films go all dramatic, and so think it's the norm. There's cultural differences between all nationalities, but within each nationality you get different types of characters, so I would say it's difficult to put your finger on why you can't understand a certain person. It can't all be down to culture, although obviously culture plays a big part in an individual's behaviour.

What differences would you say Turkish men (or women) have to other nationalities?

Interesting topic!

L x

[LateinBurcu 3]

Hello Liza, when I start studying counseling and human behaviour I have realised most of the literature source comes from western countries. Even they are very good ones I was thinking "well I am not sure if this suits everyone around me" Then I began to read about psychotherapy and counseling in different countries. Values are very important at that point, but also our cognitive function ways may differ. One of the most cliche experiment about this is about a fish tank. When they make people watch it for 5 minutes then asked to tell about the tank, western kids talk about the fish (colors, lenght etc) whereas eastern kids talk about the tank and the environment of tank. Basicly western cultures values being an individual and western ones value being a community. That is a very basic and important difference.

I think Turkey stands between mostly (western-eastern).

Religion has much to do about it as well. Not only what its written in Quran but also the practice. Sometimes traditional understanding of being a muslim has not got very strong roots in the book. Very practical example is having a dog. Do you know there are some strict believers who think " an angel would never get in a house if there is a dog in it"?. That is a creepy one to me. Caring about your neighbors is another one. So it consists some good and bad qualities together.

Lets move to raising a child. Attachment is very different here. When I was translating an article years ago I couldnt find a Turkish word for "enmeshment, enmeshed families". I cant tell you how many times when I am working with a yound adult his/her parents pop in the way. Except a few rate, dating is not ok for most of the parents. I sometimes have a hard time telling them dating is healty for their adolescent kid (of course thats mostly for daughters) I dont mean sexual intercourse . The only real way to know ourselves and opposite sex better is to spend time with them. It is possible if you are a girl who wants to know the world, by your 20 you become master of lying. They have to lie bc parents dont let them do anything. Most of the time they only want to talk with a special boy and spend time with him. And parents sometimes feel the situation but doesnt want exposure. Fathers are very hard on this issue.

Thinking "having kids is insurance for your future" is very very common. They tell me I have to have kids to look after me when I am older. So sometimes parents literally stick on the kid.

On the other hand I was very suprised that there maybe parents who wants rent from their child (if he/she is adult), or asking them to move out in Europen countries. I have never heard something like that in Turkey.

Will continue in half hour...

Personality traits are very important, no questions about that. But a trait is like having a specific tool set. You can do many things with the same tool set. Lets say being ambitious. We can say thats a trait. When we look at world history I can tell you 2 very ambitous persons as an example. Hitler and Sister Theresa. Same tool yet very different usage. They both did something very hard to achieve. What I am basicly saying is how to use a trait tool set may differ a lot, and culture/environment is a very dominant director.

I am telling all these before I come to romantic relationships because I believe these basis are important in our acts. Wow I talk a lot don't I? Lol

[aderb 23]

Bengu

this is really interesting, thank you for posting, I am looking forward to the next instalment.

[Sunny 779]

A very interesting start Bengu.

If you start at the beginning with bringing up a child, generally in UK and Germany (can't say for the others) the aim is to make the child independent so we let the child do things for itself although they might make a mess. Little ones are given the spoon to feed themselves when they are sitting in a high chair or at the table. Usually, parents let them get on with it and they are not allowed to run around with food (safety factor). Certainly you don't get mother feeding 4 or 5 year olds and running after them with a dish and spoon.

They are taught that there are some things they are not allowed to do, maybe not use the TV commander or telephones. They have a routine where they are bathed, have a story read to them and are in bed by about 7.30 -8.00 and not left to run around until late at night.

Gradually they learn to help in the house, both boys and girls and mother doesn't act as their slave, running to find out what they want if they shout for her.

They learn how to look after themselves so that when they leave home they know how to cook or operate a washing machine etc.

Mothers here seem to want the children, especially boys to rely solely on her. The boys then expect their wives to act the same!

[MutluKadin 16]

Very true, Sunny.

My husband thinks it very odd how in the States, kids are raised by parents who want to be their friends, rather than discipline them and then when the kids get older, they turn around and leave home at 18 and only visit on holidays. He'd rather a child respect the parent and then be close when they become an adult.

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive, but I do see his perspective!

[Sunny 779]

I think respect has to be earned, not be expected solely because of age, ie deferring to oldest brother. I don't think, for example,not smoking in front of parents and doing it secretly is showing respect.

I do think children need to be disciplined so that they learn what is socially acceptable and not so. If they throw a tantrum they should NEVER be given in to as they learn that is the way to get their on way. If a two year old throws a tantrum just ignore him/her until s/he stops, if you don't s/he will continue using that tactic for the rest of their lives.

I don't think that because children leave home at 18 that they are showing lack of respect.

A lot go to university or get jobs to allow them to stand on their own two feet and not have to be supported by their parents. Is it right for children to stay at home and not get a job and expect parents to provide for them when they are adults? That is certainly not showing respect as far as I'm concerned.

[LateinBurcu 3]

Thereeee we go yo another very important topic...what do we understand from words/concepts culturally?

Take respect...

I totally understand Sunny's point of view. But if she told this to a typical Turkish parent I don't think they would have understand easily. Because leaving parents house at such a young age is somehow may mean rejecting them. But also you know they cant rent a flat easily. Because they are too young and single. When I was renting this place I live, my landlady wanted to meet my parents and I was 34 )). I dont think there is a way for a 18 year old to earn enough money to live alone. So take the system as whole.

I am certainly not saying one of systems is better than the other. What I am saying is its different.

I think its very important to check if you and the other person understand the same thing from a particular word."Mothers here seem to want the children, especially boys to rely solely on her. The boys then expect their wives to act the same!" Right. But on the other hand some women think thats how you become a real woman! You have to cook, clean...etc for your husband. Thats what a real woman can and should do. A typical traditional Turkish woman can feel insufficient if the husband do the housework, or worse, husband can lose credit in her eyes.

And man has to be the provider. If the family is very traditional he has to be the only provider.

These are traditional point of views but if you consider all Turkish population they are not rare at all

[Sunny 779]

"Because leaving parents house at such a young age is somehow may mean rejecting them"

But students go to university at 18 which often means leaving home even if it is financed by the parents and then once they finish their degree and hopefully find employment isn't it unlikely that young people want to return to the restrictions of living with their parents unless forced to because of financial problems?

[LateinBurcu 3]

Thats right. But financial problems plus their parents doesnt let them to live alone they usually come back home.

Financial problem is a big issue though. When you gradute from university its still not likely to earn enough money to live alone right away.

You know what, there are a lot marriages just bc young people want to leave the family. Marriage is a valid way to leave parents house. Thats sad.

But still I have to say there are people even around me (not much) who doesnt understand why I am not living with my parents and I am doing wrong.

[Vic801 630]

They have a routine where they are bathed, have a story read to them and are in bed by about 7.30 -8.00 and not left to run around until late at night.

That would be so nice if it were still true. That was the way I was brought up and the way some of my friends do still try to bring up their offspring but unfortunately I do not think this is a general rule these days.

[LateinBurcu 3]

That would be so nice if it were still true. That was the way I was brought up and the way some of my friends do still try to bring up their offspring but unfortunately I do not think this is a general rule these days.

I think the world is changing. There are different kind of parents and kids now. Nothing is like it was before.

Parenting is another deep subject.

So I am going back to cultural differences and romance.

[Vic801 630]

Of course the world is changing. It is not just different types of parents but different economic factors. Parents are working longer hours and commuting and sometimes just being home at 7:30 is an achievement for some parents. Then the guilt factor kicks in and they feel they should be spending "quality time" with their children instead of sending them off to bed.

[LateinBurcu 3]

Remember I was talking about the meaning of words. I think purity, virtue are understood different, expecially in the eastern side of Turkey. A good girl should have no boy friends, of course no physical contact. In rural areas a girl can even be murdered if she does otherwise (by from her own family).

In western sides boyfriends are ok only if you are serious (going to marry).

A boy can date as he likes, can do sex but if his sister does something like that, well no good things would happen usually.

Of course the world is changing. It is not just different types of parents but different economic factors. Parents are working longer hours and commuting and sometimes just being home at 7:30 is an achievement for some parents. Then the guilt factor kicks in and they feel they should be spending "quality time" with their children instead of sending them off to bed.

Right.

Tv and internet all changed us as well. Parents used to know everything but now with a little online search kids find answers to all their questions.

But also there are lots of mothers who think kid is the boss. Helicopter families they are called.

My intention is not discussing about parenting styles. I just want to build a base for the problems raise in Turkish/Foreign romantic relationships providing a different point of view.

[Vic801 630]

My intention is not discussing about parenting styles. I just want to build a base for the problems raise in Turkish/Foreign romantic relationships providing a different point of view.

I am sure this will be very useful. But don't you think that parenting styles and the values we are taught as we are growing up play an important part of who we are and what we expect from romantic relationships?

[LateinBurcu 3]

I am sure this will be very useful. But don't you think that parenting styles and the values we are taught as we are growing up play an important part of who we are and what we expect from romantic relationships?

Very much indeed. Thats why I brought up the subject. But as far as the topic is romantic relationships I just didnt want it to become the main subject of the thread. But we can open another title for that.

[Sunny 779]

Vic,all my grand children have/had a story at bedtime and are/were in bed for 7.30-800. The eldest two are 13 and 10 so they read in bed now and the youngest are 8 and 4 so they still get stories before lights out.

Bengu that's fine. You lead and we'll follow.

[Abi 666]

.

But also there are lots of mothers who think kid is the boss. Helicopter families they are called.

'helicopter familes', I've never heard that phrase before.

[LateinBurcu 3]

) Some proffesors of mine were using the phrase.

Mother flying over the kid like a helicopter, pırpırpır

[Petunia846 1]

Yes, helicopter parents is a common term in the US, especially among teachers.

[Sunny 779]

I read about it a while ago when university people were complaining about parents hanging about after bringing their offspring to uni and sometimes even sleeping a night or two on the floor in their rooms instead of leaving them to get on with their new lives.