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American Woman And Turkish Man

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Sue, Sunny, & Sam--Yeah, I hear you ladies, you have open-minded guys who probabaly come from easy-going, open families!! But having lived with his parents for about a month, and having lived here in Turkey for almost three, I can assure you that his family is amongst the traditional and conservative...and yeah, I have reasoned all of these seemingly "controlling" things to a point.

Of course, me going to Vienna is something that I will definitely do whether he likes it or not. But its obvious to me that I put a lot of strain on his relationship with his family, and even my being here (i.e. living with him in Istanbul) is causing serious problems. What I'm trying to say, I guess at the bottom line, is that his "rules" are more or less what his parents/family expect from one of his girlfriends, and I'm past him telling me what is okay/what is not...

I've moved on to "how are we going to get around this?"So, so. Thanks for the comments though. In short, Chica will have to spend some time getting to know the family before she knows what her guy is really about, I bet. :D

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Yeah, atayavie, as long as you 2 are on the same page then it will be fine.

My husband has lied to his family about things we've done, and at first I always said I don't get it, just do it and tell them after. But he decided to do it that way, and he knows them better than me! Now I know them better I can see more why he does it. They like to get very involved in minute details and they ALL know better!!! It just hurts your head to listen to them all!!!

Dealing with a Turkish family is a bit like dealing with toddlers - you have to choose your battles!

Maybe let the occasional doily on a coffee table, or let them take over your kitchen for a while - but don't get them involved in big decisions...that's between you and your man!!!!!

Good luck.

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They like to get very involved in minute details and they ALL know better!!! It just hurts your head to listen to them all!!!........but don't get them involved in big decisions...that's between you and your man!!!!!

I know exactly what you mean Sue and yes it does make your head hurt.
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Yes, I agree they like to have their say about everything and if there is something to discuss distance doesn't matter, at least now with special tariffs our phone bills aren't so big.

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Oh, they don't discuss things with me, it's Mr Sunny who spends hours discussing family problems with other members on the phone. He then gives me the gist of them later. :hysterical[1]:

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living with my in-laws for over 3 years we have had some ups and downs where they wanted to have their say about things and were we disagreed on many things but if they didnt like something tough, if I didnt like something tough. Before me and Harun got married I was told by somebody that marrying a turk you also marry the family, I thought that was a joke but after 3 years of a strong marriage I have started to realise nope its certainly not a joke haha. Atayavie, Im glad you have a good head on your shoulders and you can see his ways and you know that you being there maybe causing problems within the family, but just becareful he dont use his family as an excuse too much to keep telling you what to do ok. Love Sam xxx

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  • 1 year later...

All -Like you, Chica, I'm in the VERY early stages of a relationship with a Turkish guy. It's funny, because you're story and the way your boyfriend seems to act with you sounds so parallel to my experience! My friend (I'm not calling him my boyfriend yet) is incredibly sweet, caring, genuine-seeming, family-oriented, and always pays for meals and opens the door for me. These, unfortunately, are things I'm not very used to. It has been refreshing to be with someone that wants to take care of me. :)I'm new to this site and to forums, but I did want to reply to some comments that Strawberry had made regarding acting too quickly on learning more about Turkey, etc. I believe much of the reason Americans are viewed the way they are abroad is because they do NOT show enough interest in learning a bit of the language and culture before they travel. It is ESSENTIAL to learn as much as you can! The people of any country, especially people as friendly and welcoming as those you'll find in Turkey (I've visited Turkey and have studied one year of the language in college), will appreciate you trying to speak their language and emerse yourself in their culture. That being said, you can only gain from learning as much as you can about Turkey and its fascinating history ... If things don't work out between you and your boyfriend, you'll be a wiser woman. And if they do - and I wish you all the best - you can spend the rest of your lives getting to know each other's cultures. This will only enrich and strengthen your relationship.

Gorusuruz -MPNYPDFBI

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  • 8 months later...

Get out now please. I met and fell in love with a Turkish man. Followed him to Turkey, where we married. He didnt practise Muslim religion either. But once we came back to USA, he changed. He became controlling and abusive. He used me to get his citizenship, then left me, even after crying in my arms about how much he loved me. Turkish men do not understand real love. Hell, they still are nursed by their moms, even as adults. I lived there, i lived with him for three years, this is the truth. Get out now, before you get hurt.

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Welcome to the forum Jennie. I'm sorry that you had that upsetting experience with a Turkish man. Too many women get swept off their feet by the romantic ways of Turkish men only to have dreams dashed but all to often, in-spite of warnings from others who have had bad experiences, many think their man is different but unfortunately, all too often he's not. I thought your comment " they still are nursed by their moms, even as adults", very apt.

I hope that you have now managed to get your life sorted and have put the bad experience behind you.

Good luck with your future.

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Its very sad that you had a bad experience Jennie.but not all Turkish men are the same,

Whenever a man or woman from a more developed country i.e USA, UK, Australia EU countries etc enters into a long term relationship or marries a person from a poorer country they take a very big chance. Marriages where the woman is older than the man are quite common and are far more likely to end in tears

I have heard many stories like yours not only about Turks but about lots of different nationalities , Tunisians, Jamaicans, Nigerians, Haitians, Pakistani's, the list is long. Most of these countries have the type of culture where mothers mollycoddle their sons even as grown men.

Jennie I do hope you can find peace in your life. I wish you all the very best for the future

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I agree with Cukurbagli about the situation of women and work. Many of the women with whom I have spoken do not see working for someone else as liberating. They are pleased that the little their husbands earn is enough for them to to able to spend time cleaing their own houses instead of cleaning someone else's. Apart from teachers who, unlike in most Western countries, are highly respected, working women are at best pitied and at worst looked down on.

Hmmm, couldn't you say this is a class thing? Posted Image The family and friends of many Turkish people I know are middle-class, educated, multi-lingual and often have two incomes, that of Mr & Mrs. Often the wife has a business of her own. These folks do not pity nor look down upon working women in their class. For lesser educated people in cities, perhaps recent immigrants from a village, working outside the home is not only hard work (house cleaning for example) but low pay, low status, and probably not what was expected when they moved to, for instance, Istanbul where the streets are "paved with gold." Turkey is a very diverse country and it is risky to make generalisations or assumptions. Posted Image

IF the man in question is educated, sophisticated, and wants to stay in the US, then give him the "when in Rome..." speech. Tell him he is no longer in Turkey, remind him that you are not his mother and he may have to occasionally cook for himself or wash some dishes! Posted Image Also remind him that you are not Turkish and if he cannot take you for who and what you are then he should go looking elsewhere. Posted Image

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No matter how long I live here, I still get surprised by people's attitudes and ideas. Only yesterday, when Mr S and I were talking to a neighbour's, friend's daughter from Ankara. The daughter wants to work and Mr S told her that he thought he could help her get a job with the local Belediye but the girl said her father wouldn't let her work here. I asked how old she was, 29 was the reply. They are middle class!

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