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Turkish Men - Can You Trust Them?

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dakar

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Sorry - I'll try and keep this brief but I will shortly be returning to Istanbul, where I may be meeting a guy I encountered when I was there earlier this year.

Since then he has been bombarding me with text and facebook messages - it's almost been embarrassing.

I've heard all the horror stories about Turkish guys, especially the ones that work the resorts, but everything I know about this bloke seems to suggest he is genuine.

He has a professional job, lovely flat in Istanbul, has a big loving family - they are Kurds - , doesnt practice Islam (not that I'd care) and EVERYONE seems to adore him - including some old British friends who describe him as one of the family.

He has lived in the States, is well travelled, two years younger than me and got divorced a couple of years ago.

Thoughts please?

I feel like I'm being paranoid but I cant afford another mistake and I'm not in the market for anymore pain and humiliation - I can get plenty of that at home!!

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Turkish Men - Can You Trust Them?

Sometimes, just like anywhere else, you've got to get to know them and they have to earn your trust.

It's the beginning of April now and if you met him earlier this year that makes it about three months at most that you have known him, would you trust anyone else after such a short time?

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Welcome to our forum Dakar, the only thing I would say to you is just take your time and get to know each other slowly as Cukur said and don't be rushed into anything. I know it's easier said than done especially when its a long distance relationship but you do need to spend time togeather and learn about each others ways. Is his aim to settle in the UK at some point in the future or if your relationship goes further would he expect you to live in Turkey as he has obviously got a job etc?

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Welcome to our forum Dakar. As Abi and Cukur have said, take your time. You need to spend more time with this man no matter how lovely he seems and not be rushed into anything no matter how overwhelming he is is. This, as you will have read is normal for a Turkish man.

Besides where you live and work and all the associated questions here are some more topics that need discussion. It's a quote from another member who is having problems.''He doesn't let me drink, he always criticizes what I wear and is worried about people looking at me. He won't eat meat that is not halal, he won't let me eat meat that is not halal. ''

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Welcome to our forum Dakar. As Abi and Cukur have said, take your time. You need to spend more time with this man no matter how lovely he seems and not be rushed into anything no matter how overwhelming he is is. This, as you will have read is normal for a Turkish man.

Besides where you live and work and all the associated questions here are some more topics that need discussion. It's a quote from another member who is having problems.''He doesn't let me drink, he always criticizes what I wear and is worried about people looking at me. He won't eat meat that is not halal, he won't let me eat meat that is not halal. ''

"This, as you will have read is normal for a Turkish man."....

So it seems! He was practically naming the kids on the second date. Why are they like this ? It's a bit frightening.

I'm sure this isnt going to go anywhere, but I am grateful for these responses. On the last point - we have been out for dinner and both ate meat and he has already seen me quite drunk and smoking a cigarette, and didnt seem bothered. I couldnt change for anyone else anyway. Sympathies to that other woman.

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I think topic title is a bit absurd. I don't think anyone's nationality or ethnic background make them more or less trustworthy - everything is up to person him/herself. Cukurbagli said it already but would you trust anyone else after such a short time?

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The topic title isn't absurd Fen as with your own nationality there aren't the possible hidden agendas that there might be with someone who wants to marry a foreigner a. because they might see them as a source of money and b. because they see them as a way to get a visa to allow them to go to Europe.

Also, Turks approach to friendship and more can be overwhelming as dakar says. Especially northern Europeans generally are much more reserved in our relationships until we know the person really well but dakar says that he was choosing childrens' names at their second meeting so she is wise to be checking if that type of behaviour is a one off or a national trait.

Far too many ladies come to Turkey and are swept off their feet by the romantic advances without questioning the sincerity of them.

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Hi Dakar, Welcome to the forum, as you have probably noticed, good advice is usually forthcoming.

I am of the mind that 'what the hell' dont think about 1-2 years down the line etc.. why dont you just see what happens and in the process have a good time and enjoy yourself.

If you find it isn't for you and you are not a match! what have you lost.

Turkish men are more foward and yes that would scare the pants off me, but that it just me and it doesn't mean he is not sincere.

I believe we all know (most of the time) when something is not right, so just have fun and trust YOUR inner feelings rather than relying on his!

Good luck Darak,PS life is short - dont sweat the small stuff.

Bev xx

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Thanks for these posts folks.

I've just been reading the thread "what makes marriage to a turk work".

Some of the stories there - particularly about the in-laws and the constant requests for moneyare enough to send you running for the hills. But I just dont understand why so many Turks are desperate to get Visas for the UK? I've travelled in Africa and I've encountered this "land of milk and honey" attitude often among Kenyans, Zimbabweans etc - but they have an excuse. They really dont know anything about the UK.

But Turks must surely realise that it's not as simple as that?

From what I've seen of it, the quality of life for many in Istanbul is the equal of that in most British cities, if not slightly better. What do they think they are going to get in Britain that they cant get in Turkey? I've lived in London for years now and I wouldnt say it's a struggle but easy it most certainly is not.

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Hi Dakar - a belated welcome to the forum :hos_geldiniz: and I agree with the others above about just seeing where this business goes, and to proceed with extreme caution. The thread you've been reading should help open your eyes too.

I think some Turks must see the UK from the same viewpoint as the South Africans you mention -- "a land flowing with milk & honey" --> freebies ! The benefits & services provided by the government for nearly all residents (and some visitors) are things not available in their home countries, or at least not nearly to that extent. Foreign workers somehow always seem able to send money home, while locals struggle to manage on the same wage. Or is it a case of the other man's grass being greener ?

Anyway, I wish you luck with the boyfriend ! :bye1[1]:

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Hi DakarWelcome from me too.

I would agree that life in the UK is not easy - and I do believe that many Turkish people (most obviously men working resorts)have an unrealistic idea about it. They see tourists coming with money in their pockets, they ask about what the wages are, and they get the impression that there is a lot of money to be made here. (I think many also see Hollywood movies and think England will look the same).

Buoyed by their popularity in their own environment, with the confidence that they will become highly successful, some men fixate on marrying a foreign woman and starting a new life. Many are not as successful as they believed they would be - but pride usually prevents them from telling their friends and family back home, and so the myth is perpetuated. Many will dip into the household budget to be able to send money back to Turkey...... it's very sad really, as while they are telling everyone how well they're doing, many end up in a state of genuine depression.

I wouldn't say that life in Turkey is easier as such - long hours, often exploitative employers (though that happens to immigrants to the UK also), the standard of living even in Istanbul varies greatly.

Personally, when I think of the kind of person who dreams of being a success in the UK, I don't so much think of this as a Turkish (Kenyan / Nigerian / Morroccan / etc...) trait - I see it as a particular 'type' of person. You could ask why some men want to live in the UK...... you could also ask why some men choose to work the resorts instead of working in an office / shop / industry.......

But to return to the original question 'can you trust turkish men'. Simply put - you can trust some, not all. Bear in mind that many visitors to Turkey are only meeting a narrow section of Turkish society. Can you trust a Turkish office worker? Can you trust a Turkish engineer? Can you trust a Turkish resort worker? Again, the answer is some but not all - but amongst those groups...... if you were a visa geezer, which job would you take ??!!

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Guest Strawberry

Hi Dakar,If you are already having doubts about the sincerity of this man, it could be your instincts telling you that something is amiss. Are you certain that everything he's told you about his life is true? From what you describe of him he doesn't sound like the typical visa geezer, but unless you know all his personal circumstances, it's something you can't discount. He may be totally genuine, but for someone who appears to be settled, professional, solvent and experienced, one would expect him to be a little more relaxed in his pursuing of you. His intensity and frequency of texts, phone calls etc; and how he is already discussing your future together, when you've hardly spent much time together, seems very pushy to me - and that's probably why alarm bells are ringing.

You obviously like him enough to want to see him again, so why don't you just take things slowly? Spend time getting to know him on your trips out there, and if he likes you as much as he says, I'm sure he'll make the trip to come and visit you, too. Relationships take a time to develop, and it's far too short a time for proper deep feelings to have developed between you both. Which again, makes one wonder why a mature, wordly man is chasing after you to such an extreme - and even discussing children on your second date.

If I were you I would just take things at a normal pace and allow the relationship to develop naturally. There's no rush is there?

I do understand you having doubts about him, but I think your doubts are more to do with his behaviour rather than the reputation some Turkish men have for wanting a visa to the UK, British Pssport, money etc. Yes, there are some Turkish men who will try to marry a British woman for all those things, but they're not all like that. May I ask how you actually met this man? Was it a chance meeting or an introduction? I do think if a couple meet face to face for the first time and there's an instant attraction there, a sparkle of chemistry, you're off to a jolly good start. But you would still want to take things slowly; have time to get to know one another, before commiting to each other. Most people (both men and women) take marriage seriously and certainly don't want to rush into a marriage with someone they barely know. So I can well understand your concerns.

You've obviously heard all the stories about resort workers who have scammed a British woman, and whilst that does indeed go on - not all resort workers lack morals or scruples. Remember, tourism is huge business in Turkey, and not all men who choose to work in tourism are loverats, by any means. You will get some, of course, but you'll find them in all working environments. Women are bound to encounter more men in resorts, so the chances of meeting a visa geezer will of course be higher. But that isn't to say that all resort workers are immoral. You've as much chance now of meeting a visa geezer through the Internet as you have in a resort. Scores of immoral men will hunt down British women through various websites - without even having to step into a resort - so you have to be on your guard in whatever way you first meet them.

I think what you're really saying is : if this man is all who he says he is - why is he chasing me so desperately? It's possible that everything he's told you is true, but don't forget that however successful he appears to be in Istanbul, he may not be earning the sort of money he could earn in the UK, and obviously, he'd never get a British Passport if he stayed in Istanbul. This is something you need to consider, and for that reason, I would definitely takes things at a slow and natural pace. It may be worth noting that some of the unscruple men out there are very clever, and will often pretend they have no desire to come to the UK, in order to lull you into a false sense of security.

But don't give up just yet - just see how things go. You're obviously intelligent and wordly - and realistic - so I doubt he'll be able to pull the wool over your eyes if that's what he's trying to do.

By the way, I'm afraid I can't agree with you about the quality of life being better in Istanbul compared to cities in the UK. I can only speak for London, but I would say the quality of life is better than that in Istanbul - generally, anyway. And the wages are higher in the UK, too.

Anyway, good luck - and remember to take things slowly.

Strawberry

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Chance meeting - I was sitting outside a bar and he says he saw me. Then later I was sitting on a step, having a fag, avoiding some blokes who were bothering me.

He just came up and asked if he could talk to me. I dont know all that he has told me is true at all - I can only assume it is and all the evidence seems to suggest it is. He is a pharmacist. I dont know what those guys earn in Turkey (it's a "protected" profession - no?) but in the UK it seems to be buckets. Also I'm sorry if I've caused offence re my comments on Turkey - I'm sure Istanbul has plenty of problems the same as anywhere. I know it's a flashpoint for people smugglers from Iraq, and for drugs and arms trafficking. Turkish/ Kurdish gangs in London have a pretty terrifying reputation and have just been implicated in the shooting of another black teenager here. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-11325134http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-12996621 RE "His intensity and frequency of texts, phone calls etc....makes one wonder why a mature, wordly man is chasing after you to such an extreme"I should probably point out, I am fantastically good looking and successful and also extremely rich. (LMAO!!!)

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Guest Strawberry

Hi Dakar,You're obviously very attracted to this man, and you clearly like him. You also sound a very experienced and intelligent lady; you're aware of some of these Turkish men's reputatons, so I don't see why you should feel worried. You're going back to Turkey with your eyes wide open, so the likelihood of him being able to deceive you seems very low I would have thought. You haven't really given much detail, so it's hard to guess whether you can trust him or not. When you say all the evidence suggests he is telling the truth, what do you mean by that? For example : how do you know the apartment belongs to him? He may live in it, but it may not be his. Then again - it could be! You won't really know if all what he's telling you is true until you get to know him properly, and the only way of doing that is by spending lots of time together. Has he asked if he can fly over and see you for the weekend? If he is as keen as he appears to be - and he's solvent, well-travelled and experienced - I would have thought he would want to do that. Have you mentioned that to him, or has he mentioned it at all?

Going back to how you first met, I personally think he sounds rather forward in approaching you in the street, asking if he could talk to you. However attracted he was to you, it's not really the done thing. I wonder why he didn't approach you when he first saw you sat outside the bar? He would have had a far better excuse to start chatting to you had he bought a drink and sat at a table near to you. It may seem trivial or petty, and maybe he was desperate to talk to you, so threw caution to the wind, but I wonder why he didn't approach you outside the bar when he first saw you?

The only way you're going to find out if he's genuine or not is by meeting up with him again, and spending time with him. Have you met his friends or family? You mentioned you have British friends who know him - do they live in England or Turkey? I didn't quite get the connection. I'm terribly dumb sometimes! lolRegarding the Turkish gangs in London, I know there are some in North London, but there's also Chinese, Bulgarian, Russian, Maltese etc.... and they've been operating for decades. But they remain very much underground; they fight between each other, and they don't usually make trouble outside of their community. But I don't see what relevance all that is as to whether or not you should trust this man you've met?

Anyway, whatever you do decide to do, as long as you take things slowly and don't rush into anything, you've got nothing to lose. When are you going over to Istanbul? I think deep down you're quite excited to see him again!:)Strawberry

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  • 2 months later...

Hi there.if i may i would tell you a story and please if someone can help me as well...my friend met this man last year while she was on holiday. she went there after a break up (6month) with another friend. on her last day she met the guy who was apparently trying to chat her up the whole week, but she wasnt interested. before they came back the last day she went out with him for dinner and they slept together. next they my friend and her friend had to fly back to UK> the guy asked her mobile number and he told her, u will be my wife one day....well, she came back so happy and excited that she convict me to go back with her the next month. i told her he wont call u, but she said i feel he will...he did, after 2 weeks. so i did go back with her and i met the guy. mmm..he is handsome, a gentleman, very intelligent...but...something i feel isnt right and i cannot keep telling her this. he said, he was married to an Irish girl 10years ago and he has got a son with her as well. but she disrespected her mum and when they came back to IR her family went against him so they divorced. he has not seen his son since then. he said he worked as export -import manager in Istanbul before and he traveled a lot in EU and UK. he said he had lots of money but when he got divorced he palyed away all...so now he is in a resort in a shop without money over 5years....well, while we were there he was looking after us, was really really nice to her and to me to. he treated me like her sister. but when we came back, he called her to ask for money. she stupidly send him money..then he called again and again...and then he asked her to take

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This story set all the alarm bells ringing. I'm afraid she needs to wake up. He is typical of the men that give Turkey a bad name. He's obviously just after money and he has probably disappeared because he is with some other gullible woman trying to get as much money as he can out of her. As soon as this woman leaves he will be back answering his phone again. He won't give up until he has bled her dry. Those of us who live here have seen a lot like this.

She is deluding herself if she thinks that there is any happy future with this man.

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I agree with Sunny there is no hope of a real relationship, he's not even trying to hide his true intentions. I also agree that he is probably with somewhere else with another woman. I would think his best friend know where he is just doesn't want to say.

You are obviously a good friend and she is lucky to have you around. Tell her to come onto the forum and read the various posts regarding this sort of man.

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  • 4 months later...
  • 1 year later...

Please help if somebody can give me information im maried with a kurdish men and were just 6 month be together and after that i left him while i left him the police check if we are together and im not living there they put in foreign central we are formality married now i want to divorce him but he doesnt want to divorce what should i do in this june 20 is our 3rd justice in court

and also the foreign doesnt wnat to give me a residence in turkey

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I'm sorry but I am afraid I don't understand what you are saying.

You are married to a Kurdish man who you left after 6 months and you want to divorce him, I understand but not the rest. What is this '3rd justice in court'?

What information do you want? You must give us more information so we can try to help you.

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Hi and welcome to our forum LuckylynRegodo. Which country are you from as I can see from your writing that you English is not your first language, Is it Spain?

Unfortunately, I can't really understand much more than Sunny. All I can understand is that you are married and were with him for 6 months and then you left. After you left the police came to check that you were still together and found that you had gone and put that information against your name on the system and now they won't give your a residency permit to live in Turkey. I don't understand what 3rd justice means, do you mean you have been married for 3 years?

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Did you get married in Turkey? If you did I suggest that you talk to a lawyer about getting a divorce in your own country.

Also it would be a good idea if you are seeking a residence permit in Turkey to talk to a Turkish lawyer who knows about these things as it is obviously a problem for you because you say the Turkish authorities won't let you have one, probably because you are married but not living with you husband. It is possible to get a divorce in Turkey even if your husband doesn't want one, but it can take a long time and you will need to talk to a Turkish lawyer about that.

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I've heard all the horror stories about Turkish guys, especially the ones that work the resorts

I like what Natalie Sayin has to say about this subject...

Turkish Men & Your Holiday RomanceTurkish Men are once again causing heartache all over the globe. Every year, thousands of foreign women enter Turkey and strike up a holiday romance. For some, the holiday romance does not work out and they move on. Others however can not accept the holiday romance for what it was. They join Turkish Love Rats and make it the focus of their Facebook page. They start free blogs slating off every Turkish man they know and then join numerous amounts of forums to declare to the world that all Turkish men are sleazeballs and should never be trusted.

Please read the rest of the story...

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