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About Virtue7

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  1. Hi everyone. Can anyone recommend an English speaking property lawyer preferably close to Pendik, Istanbul ? Has anyone had dealings with such a lawyer ? Any help greatly appreciated.
  2. Hi Kys Glad to hear you are making sensible decisions and not falling for this stupidity and immaturity. Sunny i was never a patient man but i'm slowly learning. I think i have learn't just as much about myself as i have for this strange behaviour from my partner. In the end i will be a better person and be able to apply my learnings to another relationship should that eventuate. Kys as far as your husband (if i can call him that) goes asking you to come to him in this absurd place is ridiculous. Good on you for not falling for that. It seems that what has happened is his brother and sister in law who will always have sympathy and side with family have now asked him to make up his mind and make a move. He doesn't have the guts to get on a plane and go home. He knows this and i hope you know this. He might not have the money but i know a ticket on Pegasus from Stansted to Istanbul is about 100 pound so if he really wanted to go his brother would shout him the ticket. If he is actually looking for work then that's great. He has finally realised that the world doesn't fall at your feet. This will be good for him holed up in some dim and dodgy spare room at a strangers place. It will push him to get off ones laurels. My advice is let him fester and make no contact. Carry on as if life for you is normal and enjoying. Be strong and like Aston said each day the hurt will become less. If you have contacted UKBA and by the sounds of it it takes a long time for them to catch this guy then at least he maybe paying tax and his own way until that happens. But let them send him home as i believe he has used you. Not the first time this has happened and it won't be the last unfortunately. It happens here in NZ and everywhere. I still believe that one day he'll hit rock bottom and see the error of his ways and come running back to you. He'll be waiting for you on the doorstep when you come home from work but by then you'll be a stronger person and will be thinking clearly and you'll know what to do and say. Which reminds me to tell you to change your locks!! Turks aren't violent people by any means but any man scorned and fighting jealousy is not a pretty mixture. Good luck and a little bit of Maori for you KIA KAHA. (stay strong) Virtue
  3. I would love for her to see someone but absolutely in her opinion she believes she is acting normally!
  4. 50/50 thanks Sunny. I had nothing to loose and brought her out here. Sometimes great sometimes hell. I guess only time will tell. Regards
  5. Hi Kys Sorry to hear of your troubles. I would be interested to know how you are getting on. I have a Turkish wife who is acting very similar to your husband. I was a bit stupid as i brought her out to my home country but we were married already and i had to give it a shot just to satisfy myself that it wasn't my doing that she acts like she does. As you are probably know already some Turks are very good at sulking if they don't get their own way. Quite often my wife demands the most outrageous things from me. Like selling my house and moving to another city!! Away from my family and friends. All because she doesn't make an effort to find work or meet people she blames it on me and the city or my family or whatever she can think of!! She even wants me to leave my well paid job that keeps us living the life that only she could dream of in Turkey. I've learnt that this kind of behaviour is quite normal for her and she seems to think nothing she has said or done is wrong. I'm pretty sure i've never ever heard her aplogise for anything. Last week she had a rant about nothing. She will accuse me of all kinds of things and bring up any tiny little thing i've done in the past that in her eyes was bad. I just ignore her. Let her rant and go about my day to day business. This pisses her off even more to the point she said she wanted to go home and i was to book her tickets. She slept in the spare room and then in the morning was all set with bags packed. I wanted to call her bluff so took her to the airport and left her sitting for an hour on her own. She said on the drive there nothing except that she wanted a divorce as soon as she gets home. I said she can go to the lawyers and organise all that but i'm not signing anything. I told her marriage is for life so if she wants to get married and play these games then she should suffer 4 years of waiting for an annulment. I think that woke her up a bit. I gave her what looked like a booking reference and told her to check in in an hour and left!! I came back an hour later. She was crying and sitting in the same spot. She saw me and gave me a big hug and i told her i won't put up with this behaviour any more. It was last chance. We came home and she was all over me. This behaviour unfortunately won't stop. This is what some Turks are like. They have had minimal experience in relationships previously. So what i ask you is are you ready to put up with this for the rest of your life? Every time the child within comes out and behaves like this my love for her slowly gets chipped away. One day either one of two will happen. I'll loose interest and send her home or she'll grow up and the great times we have 60% of the time will be more like 90%!! If you want your husband home just ignore him and don't contact him. Carry on like nothing has changed in your life and if you do see him tell him you've been approached by some men for dates. Say you've had some notes left under your car wiper asking for a date. You'll have him back in no time. But really what i believe is that in the end you will drive yourself mental putting up with this behaviour for the rest of your life. You sound like a wonderful person and deserve much better. It may seem so scary to be own your own for a while but believe me you'll look back in 6 months or so and smile to yourself and say why the hell didn't i give this guy the boot sooner. As far as the money is concerned. It's not the end of the world. You could've lost a lot more! But let him do all the divorce paper work and wait the 4 years it will take to get the marriage annulled. You might get lucky and he meets someone and wants to remarry sooner and then you can say "sure i'll sign the papers for you, for 4000 pound" All the best
  6. Ok thats all great but for 7 days she hasn't talked to me so until she does i cant tell her any of these things. I tell her i love her and how much she means to me every single day we are together. (and talking)Yes i don't go out of my way to tell her that i have met an old school friend but when i am asked directly i cannot lie. I had to say yes. If i lied which i just couldn't do then she would've heard the hesitation in my voice and would've known anyway and distrust me even more.What about the time i went swimming with everyone else on the boat on our honeymoon. I didn't say or do anything. It just purely happened to be that two other girls in the water swimming to were single and somehow she couldn't perceive that although i am in the water in view she thought that somehow something was or could go on. On that same trip she didn't speak to me for a day because one of these single girls was asking me about my job right in front of my wife. My wife couldn't understand why i was talking to her. She said i shouldve just ignored her and/or stopped the conversation. I mean really that's impossible. But again it's not just insecurity to an extreme it's other things. Like what wife would not talk to their husband on their honeymoon because i took too long taking a photo of her?? Would any wife out there leave the honeymoon altogether because i said something that was taken the wrong way? That day she didn't speak to me for the whole day and didn't want to even be near me at night then the next day didn't speak to me at all then left me with her friend that we met for lunch and didn't even say goodbye to me. Can you imagine how much that hurt me?? The questions i had in my mind.Another time in NZ i flew her with me to our capital city and took her sightseeing. I took her to a Turkish restaurant for dinner then some shoping afterwards. I bought her some dresses and shoes then when we left the shop she said i made her feel bad when i bought the things for her like i didn't really want to. She didn't talk to me for a day after that. When i went the other day to my best friends 30th birthday party she didnt speak to me for 3 days because my wife doesn't like her. That's not insecurity. Whats that. ?Another time i was staying at a hotel for the night because of work. She messaged me earlier in the evening but for some reason i didn't get the message on my phone until 5hrs later at 1am. It woke me up and so i called her to say her message had only just come. She didn't talk to me for 2 days that time because she thought i was up to something and ignored her message. And whenever i go to this town 4 hours away where my friends funeral was she gets so suspicious and asks me why i go there so much. I have a house there and i have a property business there. She has been there twice before and seen my property. I have to go there once a month for my business. But i can't go there without the fear from her suspicions. This town has just 2000 people so of course i'm going to bump into friends every day. Guys and girls. I lived there for quite a few years i still have many friends there.Its got to the point i can't live my life normally because every which way i turn i am trapped with having to tell a lie or to hide something or at the very least try to not be myself and judge every single thing i do. Sinking to new depths
  7. Aston you mean to tell me that its my fault i bumped into a friend from school on the street who was in town for my friends funeral?? NZ is a small place this happens probably once a week here. I didnt even know she was coming to the funeral i don't have her number and i'm not friends with her on FB. I told my wife because when she rang me she asked if i was alone and rather than lie and i knew i was doign nothing wrong i said i had just bumped into my friend from school and she has asked for a ride to the funeral. This friend from school is happily married and lives in a town far from mine. I haven't seen her for about 5 years. You think i should've lied and then in 3 years time im with my wife and we bump into her again and she says something about last time we met in the town for our friends funeral. Then what am i supposed to do??My wife has FB and has far more male friends on her FB than i do. I have work colleagues, school friends, family friends. You mean to tell me i'm supposed to cut all of the female ones? I have only become friends with one female friend in the last few months and my wife has become friends with maybe 10 male friends. ?? I'm friends with her sisters and her female cousin on Fb is this not allowed? Can you tell me where i'm supposed to find the FB rules to a Turkish marriage?From what i have learn't over the years the friends that stick by you in times like this are the ones that will stick by me in the future. Whether it be male or female. My wife has not stuck by me one bit in the last 3 months. "or drive around women I did not know when I was thousands of miles away." I knew this girl from school. Infact we were actually born in the same hospital one day apart and are mothers were nurses together!!! You mean to tell me if your husband was at a funeral and someone like this asked him for a ride your their friends funeral you wouldn't let him????? JeshAre you sure you're not insecure??
  8. Nope she has gone crazy again and isn't talking. I bumped into an old school friend in a town 4hrs from my home town. I was there for my friends funeral who had committed suicide 5 days earlier. My school friend had also flown to this town to go to the funeral. She asked if she could get a ride to the funeral as she didn't have a rental car. I said yes. My wife rang me 20mins later to say goodnight before she slept. She asked what i was doing and i said i had met an old school friend who had come for the funeral also and i would give her a ride to the funeral. She yelled at me called me all kinds of names as well as being a liar and a cheat then wouldnt talk to me. I messaged and tried to call her many times. She wont answer or if she does answer she just calls me terrible things. She said she doesn't want to talk to me again ever and that was 5 days ago.I give up. I deserve better. Actually much much better
  9. Well after 3 days of not talking i manned up and rung her. I was determined not to give in but i missed my wife so much.I said why didn't you call me and she said because she was angry about the FB message. She even turned it around and said i had been a bad husband for not talking to her for three days even though it was her that stopped talking to me.I took some of Ken's advice and decided to be dominant and see what happened but in a low, caring and polite way. I said honey you have added 3 males to your FB recently but you're angry at me for adding 1? She said but yes i added my female friend but she only accepted the three male friends??? I didn't know there was a big difference. Anyway i didn't let her stop and think to much i said Ok tell me who each of these three men are and how do you know them? She told me about all three and i quizzed her on some details and then thought i would notch it up a step as she didn't seem offended with the quizzing. I said is there anything going on with any of these guys? Are you being faithful to me? She said yes of course. She would never cheat on me. I said ok you have these guys in your lectures but do you ever catch up with them outside of university. She said no never. She asked why i ask these things. I thought right i'm really going to step it up another level now. I said well when someone doesn't trust their partner it can often be because they don't trust themselves. I said have you been 100% honest with me and been faithful? She said yes yes yes. I love you so much i would never even look at another man. I said that's good because you are my wife and i love you and you are all mine.She loved this. Straight away she said she had missed me not talking to her. She said she was thinking of me every minute of the day and was really sad not hearing from me.We have had three great days now and even when we are talking i say to her what i expect from her when she comes to NZ to show some dominance. I say things like when i come home from work can you have dinner ready for me please and then after dinner we will have time to go for a walk. She loves this. She says of course i will do that. I will do your washing and ironing to. I am your wife this is my job. But she loves that i say i will reward her with a walk around the park or tell her i'll take her to the movies. In NZ if you said that to your NZ wife she would call you a chauvinistic pig and you would be off to the fish and chip shop for your own dinner!!! Not to mention no cuddles that night or probably for a week!!I really think you are right Ken with Southern European and that includes Turkish woman and i don't like to generalize but i would say many like to have a man that is dominant. When a woman is insecure this is what they want. They want the man to make the decisions and to take control. it's not my nature to be like this but i will try for the sake of our marriage until things improve. When i remember seeing my wifes parents this is what happens. Her mother comes home from a long day at work and then starts cooking and cleaning. She never rests. But the father does work long hours all night and if the mother needs to go anywhere he will gladly take her in the car and drive her and wait for her while she does the shopping. We have never got her out of the house on her own. So hopefully long may this last. I know there will be many more stumbling blocks but when she is here things i hope will be easier and she can learn slowly that in NZ culture woman (and men) in a relationship have a free will to do as they please and be free and independent but this doesn't mean unfaithful. But we share duties/housework and cooking, woman drive, and we go out with groups of friends and have some drinks and enjoy each others company.(even woman separately with their friends at night!!) But we still always come home to our loved ones and tell them our love for them and give them a cuddle. Men will go fishing with their mates and hunting for 3 days in the mountains but it doesn't mean we love our wives any less.My wive is young and this is her first real relationship and i really feel she is just behaving the only way she knows how. Arguments seem to not be so bad. They are for venting and getting off your chest what has been building. Some strong words are said but really they aren't meant. Otherwise i would be divorced 3 times by now!!!But for me I will have to be very careful for a while and gain my wifes trust and slowly let her evolve within herself and within our relationship.I never thought it would be easy marrying a girl from a very different culture to mine but i also didn't think it would be this hard either. But i love my wife very much and always will. I will continue to analyse myself and see from her perspective if what i'm doing could be taken the wrong way. I will stumble i'm sure but in time i will unxderstand just like she will understand my culture. Fingers crossed eh!!!Many thanks to all contributors
  10. Thank you KenYou have raised some very valid and interesting thoughts/observations. I agree with many of your comments and think there is a lot of this.The problem is that my wife really doesn't have any past experience with real relationships. Sorry to keep bringing up our past arguments but each time someone says something it triggers my memory. There have been times when we have argued over petty things. I have got quite angry after a while as the insults and personal attacks increase. When i finally blow my top and say i've had enough and yelled at her and told her to stop this stupid behaviour, she sometimes and often does become controllable and settles down and after I apologise (i emphasize I) all is ok. It's not how i want our relationship to be as i'm not used to this and i have observed my parents in my lifetime have maybe less than 10 arguments. But my wives friends and family i am constantly hearing or seeing petty arguments and insults and what i would call "tall stories, made up"About 9 months ago when she was at uni and myself back here she said there was a TV and film premier on in town with many stars attending. She said she had met one of the stars and he had asked her if she would like to catch up with her friends at a bar. She asked if she could go. I was a little taken back but thought well she's asked me and not tried to hide anything and is going with her friends and i trust her. So i said yes. She got really angry at me and said i can't love her if i say this. How could i let her go if i really loved her. So in the space of 1 min i was taken back twice!! I said well i trust you but ok don't go then. She said no to late i said she could!!! So she went. It was a big test. But a sucked badly at that game because i'd never played it before.I am still left with questions like her sudden moods like getting so angry and not talking to me for hours because i took 5 secs to take a photo instead of 3 secs. Another time i got lost trying to find a hotel on our honeymoon and couldnt find it and no taxi driver would take us so we walked for ages. In the end i gave up and she started asking locals who sent us in the wrong direction and we got even more lost. It was our last day together and once again she didn't talk to me as it was my mistake. (I DON'T SPEAK TURKISH!!!!!)She does get incredibly jealous i know that. I should've be more careful adding a female friend. She has been through my whole computer and even stole my phone off me to check all my Facebook messages. But it is her that wants Facebook. I hate it. Also our friends don't have anything else that is so universal so they all want to see our photos together and we both show them. if i went off facebook i'm sure she would be even more suspicious. I just checked her Facebook and funny thing is she has added 3 male friends recently. But i'm not allowed to add 1 female friend. I'm sorry but that is double standards no matter which way you look at it. Oh and by the way she still isn't talking to me after 3 days now.So what do you recommend i do. Stick with this? And alter my behaviour to one of obedience, forcefulness and not backing down? Or be myself, the guy she fell in love with?So confused
  11. many thanks mouse64. I'm really trying to do that. I'm thinking ahead and asking myself if this could be taken the wrong way or seen as being unfaithful.I am only human though and not perfect so i do make mistakes.These moods/fits can start from something so innocent and she will just keep attacking me and turning my story around and changing it and making it sound worse, then bring up something from the past. So as of 36 hrs now when i made my friend on FB mistake she stopped talking to me and still isn't. I just left the attack straight away and haven't made any contact or explanations since.I hope this works.What i'm finding is this is 14yr first boyfriend kind of stuff. I guess for her it is kind of like this because i am the only real relationship she has ever had.I'm keeping patient and thinking empathy, being stable and my lips are sealed. Wish me luck. Many thanks
  12. Many thanks AbiYes i guess i just keep forgetting i just cant be my usual self. I continuously have to keep thinking ahead and ask myself will this anger her. Remember i haven't been in this situation before so i seem to learn by feel. I remembered on our honeymoon she got really angry after i took too long taking a photo of her on the beach. She didn't talk to me after that for 4 hours and went and sat by herself for the rest of the boat cruise.I did read about the BPD and i really am living a life of walking on egg shells around her and every so often i slip up. Because i just have never been anywhere near this kind of situation before. I thought rather than talking to my friend via email or text and her wanting to see wedding photos its best to have it all out in the open on FB rather than behind her back. I don't want to pretend or lie that i'm not friends with her and we never chat. My wife also has many male friends who she becomes friends with on FB that she meets at university and even has beers with them sometimes. But i can't become friends with my friend of 5yrs on FB?It's going to be a real tough relationship in the future. Even being together i think won't help or fix many of these things. I work for an airline so she can go back to Turkey very often easily. I have told her i would like to see her visit her family once or twice a year and i would like to live in Turkey for a little when or if we have a family so our children can embrace their heritage and language.
  13. No not at all. I want my friends to be able to see our wedding photos that i proudly display on FB. I haven't explained anything more than she is a friend of 4 years and she wanted to see our photos. After i said this she stopped talking to me.
  14. OMG so all was on track last couple of days. She has said many lovely things and told me how much she loves me and all was back to normal. Until this morning. I became friends with a 5yr old friend on FB. It's a SHE. She lives in a city far away and we have been friends for 5yrs. Met through another friend. No history whatsoever between us. She asked to see our wedding photos so i said go on FB and friend me and you will see them all. My wife saw that we were friends this morning and asked who she was. I told her the story about wedding photos and that we have been friends 5 yrs. I even told my wife about her when she was visiting NZ. But my wife has gone again. She said she doesn't trust me (i aksed her a week ago if she really trusts me)(she said she did). She says that's the answer to my question now. She doesn't trust me. I explained the friendship that i have with this girl and that its purely platonic. she would even like to come to our NZ wedding (if there is one!). There was no reply. I messaged her and said are you talking to me? Still no reply. That's where it's finished? Now begins 2, 3 or maybe 4 days of no talking. This is doing my head in something wicked.I'll keep you posted to the FB name change and photo change. It must be only a matter of hours away.
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