I hope you’re all well.
I’m completely new to the forum in terms of posting, but have been reading the really valuable and empathetic relationship advice people have been giving to those in intercultural Turkish relationships.
I would really be grateful for some of that objective, non-judgmental and supportive advice right now.
3 months ago, I met a Turkish girl at a university social event in Birmingham, UK, where I’m from. After two intercultural, long-distance and ultimately failed relationships, I was very cautious about getting involved in anything along the same lines and the last thing I went to this event for was to meet somebody. But we got talking, just hit it off from the first moment and had the most incredible 6 weeks together before she had to return to Istanbul to study. She had been in the UK for a work placement.
We have stayed in contact all day every day via SMS and Skype and are what you would describe as very “Loved-Up” and happy together.
I visited her 2 weeks ago in Ankara, where she was herself visiting friends, and we had an amazing week together. As a person, I can honestly say I have never been with anyone who is as kind, caring, warm and beautiful as her.
However, as I have found out more and more about the reality of our situation, I have been hit with immense doubts about whether we could have a future together.
Distance: Firstly, I now have an extremely busy job in London, for which I have to do several years of exams. I have gone to hell and back to get this opportunity and I can’t turn it down for someone I’ve only known for a few months, irrespective of how much I feel I love her, by moving to Turkey. She has a year of studying ahead still in Istanbul and the UK VISA system for Turkish people has now become near impossible, as many of you I’m sure already know. I am 27 years old, 5 years her senior, and keen to meet someone and settle down at some point. How can I stake my future on a girl that I can only see, at best, once every 5-6 weeks and with whom I could never live before marriage?
Religion: Whilst she drinks alcohol, doesn’t pray or go to the Mosque, dresses like a fashionable European girl, she is proud to say she is Muslim, and rightly so. I respect that and feel we should all be proud of our families and backgrounds. I, however, have been raised in a completely non-religious home and for all intents and purposes am an atheist. I feel very strongly that my children are not raised religiously, which is a belief I have held for a long time. That is nothing against religion. I have countless very good Muslim, Christian and Jewish friends. It is just a belief of mine, based on my life experiences, which I feel as strongly about as they do about their religious beliefs. I know that, given Turkish society, and her and her family’s proud identification with Islam, this would be near impossible if we had children and certainly a source of much discontentment on both sides.
And likewise for her, what if she gave up everything to come to England to be with me and our relationship just didn’t work out, as many don’t that began perfectly? Is that fair to her?
So, my situation is that I have a girlfriend, who I would, under different circumstances, happily spend the rest of my life with based on what I’ve seen. She is kind, warm, beautiful and you know the rest…
But I see so many issues that I just can’t see a solution to.
I don’t regret meeting her, even though it is going to cause both of us immense pain if I end it.
I don’t want to shatter her heart, nor mine, but I can’t see anything but difficulty, pain and uncertainty for us both in the future. I want to be fair and true to her, as well as myself.
To some of you, I probably sound like I’ve made up my mind, and maybe to an extent I have done.
But what I would really value is just some objective, non-judgemental advice for a guy who loves a girl, wants to do nothing but make her happy, but may ultimately have to shatter her… and himself.
I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and wish you great Christmas.
Thank you, really…