Doubts About My Future Muslim Husband
Posted 28 July 2012 - 01:34 PM
We recently got engaged and met one anothers families. My family are fine with our relationship however his family wanted him to marry a muslim girl, he declined and explained that he loved me and would marry me with or without their blessing.
I presume they have agreed to our marriage because they were very hospitable to my family and I.
Gokhan (my future husband) bought me an engagement ring and wears 1 himself, he speaks of us getting married in 1 or 2 years time and has also mentioned us having children and would like me to move to Turkey. He has not asked me to change my religion nor have I asked him, nor have we discussed our future childrens religion.
There is a lot of talk about Turkish men wanting to marry with British women for passports/visas. I am sure he is serious but this is always at the back of my mind. So the question is, how do I know if he is serious about our engagement/marriage?
Thank you in advance for you answers/help/and support.
Posted 28 July 2012 - 02:10 PM
The non European husband or wife must also pass an English language test which is a mandatory requirement of the settlement visa application. On top of this you have to have suitable accommodation, prove contact and intent.
If you and your husband to be can meet the stringent requirements laid down by the British government for the initial settlement visa , then he would be granted a visa for thirty three months to enable him to live with you and work in the UK.
After the thirty three months you and your husband must pay again and meet the requirements of the next stage and you will then be granted a second visa for thirty months. You must then meet the rules again and pay for your husbands indefinite leave to remain ( permanent stay in the UK) As the law is at the moment your husband will have to wait another year (six years in total) before he became entitled to apply for a British passport.
That is what you and your partner must do to meet the UK immigration rules.. Can you meet those requirements? We are talking about thousands of pounds in fees to the British government as well as the minimum salary of £18600.
As for your fiancés intentions I don;t believe any one can give you the answer as to whether or not his intentions are serious/honourable, this is something you must judge for yourself. I would mention how difficult it is to obtain a UK visa and see what he says. Other than that you and only you can judge his feelings and luckily he does not want to rush in to marriage..
Posted 28 July 2012 - 03:13 PM
Turkish people are well known for their hospitality, but curious that you said you 'presume' they are in agreement with because of this. Did Gokhan not tell you what they said?
If you did come to Turkey to live after you marry which part of Turkey would you be living in, would you be living in a small village or a large town or city. If you live in a small Turkish village or a town where few foreigners leave you may feel very lonely. The sun doesn't always shine in Turkey and the winters can be very cold and damp.
I don't know how old either of you are or what either of you do for work but it may be difficult for you to find a job that comes with a work permit and even if you are married to a Turk you will need a WP until you have been married for 3 years and can then apply for Turkish Citizenship which will allow you to work.
If you are living in the UK and he in Turkey you should meet up as often as you can to really get to known him properly in his own surroundings.
As said already it's impossible to say whether his intentions are good or bad, only time will tell I'm afraid. If you feel at any time that something is not right, trust you feelings and don't ignore them.
i would advise you to take things slowly and discuss the differences in your culture, things like how your children would be brought up, is he happy about the way you dress.
i wish you luck and hope all goes well and that you keep in touch and let us know how things are going. We have a couple of members who have recently married Turks, one has moved over here recently and the other will be moving here at the beginning of next year.
Posted 28 July 2012 - 04:45 PM
Gokhan and his family live in Turkey, Gokhan in a resort and his family in a village about 5 hours away. I met him whilst on holiday last year, he works in a restaurant in a resort. I have been back 7 times since. When we get married he talked about us living in the resort all year as his job remains open and we have also discussed me finding summer work there next year. I think this will be a good idea and if all doesnt go well I can come back to Scotland.
I have been doing my research recently and I must add that Gokhan comes across very westernised, I think he prefers our ways than the turkish ways.
Posted 28 July 2012 - 07:51 PM
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Posted 28 July 2012 - 08:07 PM
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Posted 30 July 2012 - 01:11 PM
In my experience many Turkish/European marriages end in disaster, be very careful.
Posted 30 July 2012 - 06:38 PM
We have had members on here that . . . When they met their husbands who they considered to very westernised, but when they married that changed slowly and objected to the way the girls dressed and I remember one who's husband who wasn't a practising Muslim suddenly embracing . . . So whilst it doesn't happen in all marriages it does happen in some and should be thought about.
So true. My husband was as secular as they come--his father was an atheist, his family is old-school military, he himself was agnostic and raised in the west, went to college in California (where we met) So I was really surprised when he objected to me wearing a tank top shortly after we got married! It's a small thing and I don't find him over-controlling, so I go along with it. But it's also true that over the years he developed spiritually, and converted to Islam around 12 years ago. And now he prays 5 times a day, fasts, etc. I myself, after my own long and protracted study and inquiry decided to convert about 7 years ago, so in our case, we both changed and also grew together. (It's also true that I'm more of a Muslim-lite: don't cover, pray only once a day, managed so far this year to fast 10 days, which is a record.)
I think people do change as they get older, as they move out of their 20's. Many people's 20's are about having fun, exploring, getting settled in adult life with a job and one's own place, etc. But then as one enters one's 30's, thoughts turn to creating a family, and with that, I think, people start turning their attention to what they believe and what lessons they want to teach their children. Sometimes people pull away from the beliefs they grew up with--like my husband did. More often, I think, they embrace them, especially if they have happy memories of being taking to church/mosque/synagog. You don't mention your ages, but I'm guessing late 20's. I do think it's likely that he will become more conservative as he get older. Happily, many customs between the two religions are amenable to one another, i.e. Islam teaches reverance for Jesus (peace be upon him). Both religions believe in one God, which, for a Muslim, is the most important thing. It gets hairier with baptism, and the one thing that is rejected is the Trinity, or that Jesus IS God. So it also depends on how religious you are, what traditions are important to you, as well as where his family falls on the religious spectrum (i.e. do the women cover themselves? If so, then you may be in for more of a rough road, although not necessarily.)
I think the long engagement is a good sign, actually. But if you still have "doubts" a year or two from now, I would advise not getting married. The last thing you want when you pledge your life with someone is to have "doubts" in the back of your mind. This is not the foundation you want for a life together with someone.
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Posted 30 July 2012 - 10:02 PM
The others have already given you some good advice. I would just like to add that you said your prepared to give it a go over here but if it doesn't work out, return to Scotland but what are the chances of getting another job (assuming you are working now) in the present economic climate? Also. as a resort worker he's not likely to have very good prospects. It's OK while you are young but what about when you get older? You are likely to have to lead a very basic life on the wages of a waiter/barman or similar.
Posted 01 August 2012 - 07:32 PM
I can't really add to the great advice here but wish you luck and happiness with whatever you decide
Posted 05 August 2012 - 01:05 AM
Posted 05 August 2012 - 08:13 AM
The only other thing I can think of and is more likely I'm sorry to say, is that he want's the red marriage book so that he can divorce her. Having said that he could of course get a copy of their marriage but i guess it will be easier to deal with if he has the red book.
The only other thing, and I don't want to cause alarm, but should be said, is that as the child whether it is registered or not with the Turkish Consulate, will be regarded as a Turkish citizen by the Turkish authorities. Also to add that even though the child is dual national and will be travelling on a British passport, if her husband wants to keep the child in Turkey she could have trouble when she and the child try to return to the UK. He may actually have no interest in the child especially if it's a girl, and just want a divorce. Personally I wouldn't take the child to Turkey at the moment just to be on the safe side.
How long has her husband been living in the UK and what is his immigration status?
Sorry if the reply isn't want she will want to hear but it is only a guess on my part but the only one that seems logical from what you have written.
I hope you will update us at some point after she has been to Turkey as it may help others.
Good luck to your friend
Just to add an extra bit after writing the above, He could also need the wedding book if he needs to update his kimlik from single to married if he didn't do it before.
Posted 05 August 2012 - 11:43 AM
Posted 05 August 2012 - 11:51 AM
Posted 05 August 2012 - 12:03 PM
Posted 05 August 2012 - 12:31 PM
I'm sorry if I scared you about her son as it wasn't meant to, but just meant as a word of warning. If we can help about anything else please don't be afraid to ask, we will do our best to help you.
I hope you friend will be alright
Posted 05 August 2012 - 12:37 PM
Posted 05 August 2012 - 12:42 PM
Posted 05 August 2012 - 12:45 PM