23 replies to this topic

[nikemre]

my husband and i are worried about telling his parents about me. i am 40 he is 26. we have been together for over a year. he will tell them in august, im concerned of their reaction,and we are both muslim and married in islam.i look very young for my age. any info would be great thanks.

i pray some one can give me some advice on this.

[Abi]

Hi Nikemre and welcome to our forum. To be honest I'm not sure what advice we can give you as it will just be a case of his parents accepting the marriage or not. Obviously they will be very upset that he married you without telling them first and that is probably why he is worried. Whilst you may look very young for your age, I would also think his parents would be concerned about your ability to have his child in the future as it's very important to a Turkish family.

I hope it goes well and you let us know how it goes.

[Meral]

Hi Nikemre, welcome to our forum and congratulations on your recent marriage! Your husband should be more in a position to guess how his parents might react to your marriage, as Turkish families often plan and arrange marriages for their children.

I do hope they will look upon you with favour, but it wouldn't hurt to discuss with hubby what you can do to make the acceptance/approval process easier. And of course, as Abi mentioned, they'd be hoping for grandchildren ! I wish you luck, and hope you will share your experiences with our forum !

[Ahududu]

HI,
Was it a religious marriage or a civil one?
At 40 you're not too old to have kids.
But bear in mind he's going to tell his mum and dad that he's married a woman they don't know (and never met?) It's not going to be an easy time, he's going to need a strong commitment to your marriage to get through it.
Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

[sunny]

to our forum.

Are you in Australia and his parents in Turkey? Is August significant, will you or they be visiting the other? These things are often better when one is face to face as they would have the chance of getting to know you.
As the others have said, one of the parents concerns will be your ability/willingness to have children.
Good luck.

[Za99990]

the age is not very important... it so necessary to be on accord and to be sure that both of you dont see any problem in age matter ... let him to tell them mohammed prophet story with his wife khadiga ...she was older than of him despite the big age she had been good women and she is helped him during her a short life

[saffron]

Hi Nikemre, welcome to our forum..I'm a Turkish member, and would like to tell you something clearly: If your husband is a kind of person that needs the approval of his family for his marriage, you can expect objections to be brought. Those objections may be based on various concerns, age is only one of them. If the family of your husband is one of those families that are expected to say 'your choice, your happiness, make your own decision' then ok, age or whatever doesnt matter. A third possibility is that your husband doesn't need the approval his family, but for the sake of politeness or respect pretends that he needs their approval. In this case both of the parties know that this is only formality.
Shortly, not your age, only the cultural background of your husband matters here.

[nikemre]

thank you all so much for your comments, to make things clearer, the reason i said august as the the time he will tell his parents, is because he is waiting on his younger brothers exam results to be finalised, in august, which will determine if his brother gets into medical university, then his parents will be overjoyed and relaxed, hence a good time to tell them about us. also i am willing to have children still, but if my body cant medically do it, then my husband told me he is happy to adopt a turkish baby. we are in australia, his parents are in turkey. we are both working to save money for his master degree next year. he does not want residency here, just his masters and then a job in his field, but if cant find one here we go overseas. we married in the mosque in a religious ceremony, not government, he wants to wait till hes done his masters and we have enough money and stability to afford the perfect wedding with his family and friends there. i just want his parents to be happy for him, and to accept his choice in me as his wife. i am muslim, i am obedient, i cook very well, im clean, im loyal, im faithful, i wear hijab and abaya outside, ive changed so much of myself to serve allah, and to please my husband, i fear that any form of rejection from his parents will either make me give up islam completly, or go deeper into it with or without my husband. i think my future will be decided at the end of august. thank you.

[Abi]

Well I really hope for both of you that his parents will accept your marriage. It's a shame that both of you can't go over to Turkey to met them face to face so they can get to know you and you them.

When I spoke about children, whilst there isn't a big age difference between you, and I agree with Ahububu that you are certainly not to old to have a child I was thinking more of the pressure to have a child quickly whilst you can.

Just as a matter of interest do you come from an Islamic family or did you convert to Islam?

Good luck, please let us know how it goes

[nikemre]

well we finally got the partnership visa for my husband. he told his father that he has a muslim girlfriend,thats me, and his father said he was glad to hear that as he was worried his son was gay haha. he said that she must be good because this is the first time you have ever told me about a girl in your life. my husband wants to wait until he is doing his master degree next year before he tells them he married me in mosque. he says his parents are the type to overreact, so he needs to give them time and also wants to marry me in government marriage in turkey with his family and friends there. we hope they are going to be ok with it, and inshallah everything will turn out ok.

[sunny]

Welcome back nikemre. So he didn't get around to telling his parents that he's going to marry you,in August? What does he mean ,"He want's to give them time"? Time for what? They don't need time to get used to an idea that they've never heard!
I'm starting to feel that he's putting things off. Something doesn't feel right.
All right so he says he wants to get married in Turkey with HIS family and friends there. What about your family and friends, are they not important? You can get married in Australia and then have a second ceremony in Turkey, so there's no need for a delay.

[Aston]

Hi Nikemre, you refer to your partner as your husband but you are not legally married under Australian law. That is why your boyfriend was granted a partnership visa and not a marriage visa http://www.immi.gov....artner/820-801/.

You mention all your attributes as a good Muslim wife but in Turkey women do not wear the hijab and abaya ( this is Arabic dress)

Do you realise you are helping your boyfriend to obtain permanent residence in Australia ? What's to stop him leaving you after the two year probation period is over and he is granted permanent residence. He will have his masters degree and the right to live and work in Australia all thanks to you.

I agree with Sunny there is no reason not to get legally married.

[Meral]

Nikemre, I'm afraid I have to agree too (sorry). If your boyfriend/husband is aware of your age, he should know your body can't wait much longer if he wants to have a natural child of his own. The marriage in the Australian mosque holds no legal standing whatsoever, neither here in Turkey. To me, wanting a civil ceremony in Turkey isn't a good enough reason to put off your legal marriage. As Sunny says, there's nothing to stop you having 2 civil weddings, one in AU for all your friends & family to attend, and one in TR for his side...........or is there???? (It's what he wants?)

Are you an obedient wife because this is what he expects? Do you not have any expectations of him? Please consider carefully. Good luck.

BTW, just wondering if his younger brother succeeded in entering university ?

[nikemre]

thanks for your replys, but just to clarify a few things first. we are married in the eyes of ALLAH, which really is all that matters at the moment. we cannot afford a government wedding let alone two. there would not be many family members on my side that would warrant having one here. he did not apply for permanent visa, just temporary so he can work longer hours, as we both work to save for his masters degree next feb. we applied under defacto. his family know about me now and they are ok about it. he is going to tell them we married in mosque, but next year is a better time to tell them, when he is doing his masters degree. his father always told him not to marry before he got his masters or started his career. he doesnt want to anger his father just yet. his younger brother got into medical school so his father was happy, thats when he told him about me, and he was cool. there are women in turkey that wear abaya and hijab, i wouldnt always wear it, but most probably hijab to go outside. my husband loves me very much and he is not here to take advantage of me. we fell in love plain and simple. he will do his masters, find a job here or overseas if need be, save lots of money, then buy house in turkey and we will go there to live. i actually cant fall pregnant so i may be sterile. ill get treatments to fall pregnant but if all else fails he told me we can adopt in turkey. when i say his parents need time, i mean that they are very strict and conservative and want the best for their kids, education comes first then comes career, then marriage. but they seem to be ok that he is in a relationship so thats a very good sign. thank you for your help.

[sunny]

Well, I hope everything works out for you. Good luck!

[Ahududu]

You are married in the eyes of Allah.
You are in a partnership in the eyes of the government.
BUT he can't tell his parents?

Surely, being open and honest with his parents is something that he should be doing?
What does he stand to lose if he tells them?
That he went ahead and married you without telling them? Will they be happy about that?
If they are strict and conservative, won't they respect your religious marriage?

I'd want to know why he can't tell them. He is withholding information, an important part of his life from them.
Wouldn't Allah expect him to be honest? Don't you expect him to be honest about you? Again, what will he lose if he tells them?
I worry there may be more to this than meets the eye.

[Aston]

Nikemre, a partnership visa is NOT a temporary visa it is a two year visa with the opportunity to apply for permanent settlement. De Facto means a relationship as a couple living together on a genuine domestic basis, that is not a temporary visa

Ahududu is absolutely right, your partner is not being open and honest. Why do you have to save for his masters degree? How would he pay for it if you weren't around ?

As for adopting children in Turkey, I would take that with a pinch of salt, adopting children in Turkey is difficult and even more so if one of you is a foreigner.i.e. non Turkish. If your partners family are a conservative as you make out adopting a child may not be acceptable to them.

I am sorry to say that I think you are blinded by love and sadly we have seen the damage that can be wreaked by charming younger Turks and older women.

In saying that I wish you well and hope the scales drop off your eyes before its too late

[baykus]

I agree with Aston, there is something funny going on here.
Family is important to Turks and usually before doing anything they discuss it with their family, so him keeping your religious marriage from them doesn't ring true. Also, you not showing interest in your family will cause lack of respect.
The only reason for not having a civil marriage in Australia (which you can do cheaply) is that the Mosque marriage means nothing in the eyes of the law and you have no claim on him. He is using you to finance his degree and once he has finished it I wouldn't be at all surprised if he goes back to Turkey without you, probably with the excuse that he's going to talk to his parents face to face.
You say that the abaya and hijab are worn in Turkey. Certainly there are quite a lot of women who wear scarves but there are few who wear the abaya. The only ones I've seen are Arab Turks while visiting the east of Turkey and visitors from Arab countries but none in the western part and I've travelled to lots of places Which part of Turkey does he come from?.
As to children, there are no Turks who don't want their own children. Adopted children are not acceptable, especially to very traditional families. He is definitely not being honest with you.
It seems to me that you are being too accommodating, doing everything to please him while ignoring danger signs.

[lillemy]

Sorry to say, but a warning lamp lights up red.....been there, done that...

[Vic801]

Adopted children are not acceptable, especially to very traditional families.

I can agree on that. We know a couple from "our" village who adopted. They are now in their 70s and their adopted daughter has her own children but she is still referred to as the daughter they bought from Nevşehir.