43 replies to this topic

[swabs]

Hi everyone,

I don't know how many people can relate to this but just felt its something that needed highlighting and chatting about, also i would like to know other peoples experiences.

Now i know everyone struggles at first with mix cultural relationships, especially from friends and family worrying about you, but i find that sometimes this can go on too long. When we were first together I heard everything in the book about Turkish boys and how he will just use you for visas and for money etc., that he will cheat on you and use you. I found this usually goes away after being together for a while.

One time i had someone messaging me on Facebook, they were my friends boyfriend, telling me that im scum for being with a Turkish person and i should never be with a foreign terrorist and let them into this country, least to say i was not best pleased!!

Now my family really struggled at first and it took a long time before they took my relationship serious, but then they learnt that Haluk is a good guy and looks after me very well. We are great in our relationship and happy together. We always shared money when we moved in together and most of the time he was the earner and even borrowed money to give me to take back when i came back to England to help me before my first pay slip. He didn't even have any money to take with him to the army.

The reason why i say all this is because after two years and everyone accepting our relationship and looking forward to us getting married, today my best friend (and maid of honour) done the same thing as everyone else has done at the beginning, even tho she has never said anything about it before.

She had an argument with me and said he only wants me for my money and is just using me, once we have got married he will just leave me and take my money. That he has said he cant wait to marry me and leave with my money as well (although i know this is not true as she knows no one that we know in turkey). I mean she was fighting about it, and said she doesn't believe in him and that their is no point in her coming to the wedding. Now i have lost a bridesmaid and a best friend.

This obviously really hurt, after all i thought i had got through all the prejudged behaviour and moved on. I thought that i was pretty much in a normal relationship, and just get the strange looks from new people i meet and tell.

So my Question and topic to discuss is: Why do people think its ok to say such horrible things about another persons relationship just because of what they hear about others, and do you think it will ever go away?

Swabs xx

[scusi]

The magic word may be prejudice.

I understand you. Me and my family was struggling so much with that issue. Prejudices go only out of the heads if the person itself want it, and try to get informations about how the people are in that country etc.

When i meet a new person and they learn that my boyfriend is turk and living in turkey, its always the same reaction : +
In my opinion is every person different and that doesnt base on nationality.

Im german, but no im not a nazi, and take recently a shower and i am hygienic ( Some foreigners believe that germans are stinky and some other ugly stuff )

most of germans may be stingy in the money issue. but i am not.

THe fact that your best friend didn't act like one is so sad.
She was your best friend and it's so bad that she acts like that although you are marrying soon ! she doesnt know him, so she isn't allowed to talk like that. Don't refer it to you. She hopefully see how you will be happy with your husband xxx

[swabs]

The worst this is she hasnt said anything the whole time, and she has dated many Kurds and about 5 times a year goes to Turkey, but when she realises that one of her friends is def marrying one then she has decided to react like that.

I dont know what your talking about Scusi, I thought you smelt only joking lol! I agree, its with all cultures!

As they say - You shouldnt judge a book by its cover..... xx

[sunny]

I'm so sorry this has happened swabs.

Yes, there is prejudice, Brits are generally xenophobic and I think it is increasing in the UK in reaction to all the extra illegal immigrants and the open door policy of the EU, which is being regularly highlighted in the papers. Also the government seems hell bent on increasing animosity by handing out money to aid foreign nationals in preference to UK citizens.British people feel they are being swamped and are losing their country.
Some of those who have come to Britain don't help their cause by continuing to act as though they are in their home country and expect British people to change to accommodate them. Also the PC brigade do more harm than good by imagining slight on others behalf as in the banning of Christmas lights or celebrations in schools. Feelings are running high, especially in some areas and I get the impression that it is going to get a lot more ugly in the not too distant future.

When people get to know those from a different country then hopefully prejudice goes so it must have come as a great shock to you to learn of your best friends feelings. Can you remember how the discussion started and what turned it into a row?
How well does she know Haluk? Is she a genuine friend and only voicing her concern about you and your future, or is she a false friend who is jealous of your loving relationship?
I've asked these questions but I don't think it a good idea for you to answer on an open forum but if you want to send me a PM to continue a private discussion apart from the general discussion on prejudice.

[Ahududu]

Why do people think its ok to say such horrible things about another persons relationship just because of what they hear about others?

Jealousy.

[Abi]

Sad story Swabs, could it be that your ;friend' is actually just jealous that you are getting married?. If she was a good friend and was concerned for you i too would have thought she would have brought it up earlier. However, she didn't, but even though she has now spoken to you about her concerns she could have done in a nicer and more controlled way rather than fighting with you over it. I don't know what else to say

Susci, your post made me laugh, I've never heard of Germans being smelly before but then I lived in Germany when I was younger for a couple of years and know that isn't true.

[Cukurbagli]

It's a shame that people act like this. Years ago I was having a drink with one of my mates back in UK and told him that I had bought some land in Turkey and was going to build a house and move here. He was disappointed at the prospect of losing a friend but then suddenly looked horrified and said "You're not going to become a Muslim are you?" I just laughed it off and said no, it made me think though. We had been friends for a good few years and he had never made any mention of religion to me then the prospect of having a Muslim as a friend really upset him.

It is another person's prejudice and all you can do is let them live with it, I was never religious and still aren't.

[aine]

İ appreciate how hurtful this is. We have also had various comments from people who would never make such rude comments about others relationships but being with a 'Love Rat Turk' 'Visa Geezer' 'Lying Toyboy stole my money' the list is endless, seems to grant them the priviledge to say what they think. İn the main its people who are jealous and often have small mean lives (lets be honest if they have the time or inclination to read the 'Chat' 'Take a Break' kind of journalism they qualify)

Unfortunately we have also had negative feedback from Turks. 'She will smoke and drink' 'They can't be trusted with other men' 'Just wait she will appear in public half naked' Just enjoy your life have a successful relationship and hope that these people gain some education and common sense along their journey through life and find a real friend who will be happy for you as your bridesmaid.

[Aston]

I am sorry to hear your story and your friend is obviously very jealous. that you are happy and will be married, It hurts to know someone you thought was a friend could be so hateful and unkind.

So my Question and topic to discuss is: Why do people think its ok to say such horrible things about another persons relationship just because of what they hear about others, and do you think it will ever go away?

Swabs xx

Fortunately not everyone has difficulty with family and friends when they enter into a relationship with someone from another culture. You seem to have had quite a difficult time. To answer your question I have found in life that people feel that they can comment and say hurtful things to you about anything, not just relationships.
I don;t think prejudice will ever go away and people do prejudge. Whilst we love our families and friends we only have one life and we must live for ourselves not for others.

By the way Scusi, Never have I heard of stinky Germans in fact just the opposite, on my trips to Germany I thought you were all clean freaks but the son of a friend of mine was trying to find a nice away to ask his German girlfriend to shave her legs

[swabs]

Thanks for all the replies, yes i agree with everything that has been said, i just find it so hard no matter how many times you hear the same things, its people stereotypical outlook of life.

I mean i have never looked at it this way as im half Arabic any ways, and i know my dad suffered really badly with bullying at school purely for this fact.

I just don't understand how a multicultural country like England can have such a bad outlook on everyone, I mean when i was with my ex boyfriend who was English, i was the person that earn't a lot more, and for a year i supported him whilst he was at uni. That is deemed except able because he is the same culture, but because of storied heard about foreign relationships then its completely different.

With regards to the person it happened with, we were friends for 9 years, it wasnt what was said, it was the timing and the way it was handled. I mean off course i understand if im in a relationship with a foreign person off course i am going to have to explain certain things to people for them to understand, but 2 years is a long time to all of a sudden bring it up.

Anyway's, im lucky that i have the support of all my family, friends and his family and friends now as i am confident in the relationship i am in and know what is going on.

I just wish that people could learnt that its not all the same, yes you do hear all the horror stories, but people don't really shout out from the roof tops about good things! I think it is something that you have to expect going through but surely there should be a time when it should stop! xx

[Fil]

I just don't understand how a multicultural country like England can have such a bad outlook on everyone,

Certain sections of the UK media bear a lot of responsibility stirring people up against foreigners in general and muslims in particular, undermining people's confidence in their neighbours, spreading lies about Christmas being banned or unwelcome etc etc.

But I still believe most people in UK are fair-minded and keen to get on with everyone, it is only a vociferous minority that allow themselves to get wound up about foreigners and then sound off in the manner of that terrible woman on the tram in Croydon.

[scusi]

By the way Scusi, Never have I heard of stinky Germans in fact just the opposite, on my trips to Germany I thought you were all clean freaks but the son of a friend of mine was trying to find a nice away to ask his German girlfriend to shave her legs

Susci, your post made me laugh, I've never heard of Germans being smelly before but then I lived in Germany when I was younger for a couple of years and know that isn't true.

Hahah ! I swear there are so many people thinking like that. But I've heard that kind of questions mostly from turks : is it normal that germans are (sorry !) farting in public ?? (Hell no it isnt !),why do they have always halitosis, dont they brush their teeth ? and why do germans never shave their legs or armpit hairs ??

The worst this is she hasnt said anything the whole time, and she has dated many Kurds and about 5 times a year goes to Turkey, but when she realises that one of her friends is def marrying one then she has decided to react like that.

I dont know what your talking about Scusi, I thought you smelt only joking lol! I agree, its with all cultures!

As they say - You shouldnt judge a book by its cover..... xx

Swab that post shows that she must be really jealous. She's dating kurds and spend holidays in turkey, but when her best friend is going to live there and has a great husband, she could be mad because thats what she would want to have too !
I think she should be that one who has to be sad because she just lost a great friend.
she is a false friend and doesnt deserve to be your bridesmaid.

[aderb]

I can only agree with what the others have said ignorance, prejudice, jealousy, small lives etc. etc. but what is very obvious from your posts on this forum is how happy you are and how you love Haluk and I wish you both all that you wish for your future together, I can imagine how hurt you must feel but don't worry too much about false friends and just think better now than having to edit her out of your wedding photos xx

[miaaskx]

im really sorry to hear about this swabs, its really hurtful to hear how she could just suddenly turn on you like that .
i completely understand what you are saying about the multicultural relationship issue, the negative stereotypes of turks as love rats doesnt help the situation any more. when i explain to people that my boyfriend is turkish, they instantly think that he is some love-rat with several other girlfriends. i hate it when people jump to these conclusions before knowing the facts.
the main thing is that you and your fiancee love eachother, have a lovely wedding and lives to look forward to.
i've had my friends tell me similiar things and its not like i could supply my boyfriend financially, even if i wanted to! it's ridiculous, when people make such claims when the majority of them don't personally know any turks!
strangely, i have recently been shunned by some girls who were some of my bestfriends, but i am well rid of them as you are with her too.
clearly she is jealous of all that you have, and i agree with the others, she doesn't deserve to be a bridesmaid, never mind a friend to you! you have your other friends, family and your fiancee! what more could you want!
xxxx

[swabs]

Thanks for the reply mia, as my step mother said....you may have been friends with people for a long time, but you are on a different route in life, you live a different life and at the end of the day you will not agree on things, you know have other friends in your new life who understand and are their for you, just because you have known someone for x amount of time doesn't mean they will be your true friend forever xxx

[MutluKadin]

Just taking a guess, but was she drinking when she finally dropped the bomb? Perhaps she was holding it all in and then, with some liquid courage, she let it fly.

What I find even more perplexing are comments of other women who date/marry Turks who constantly complain about his Turkishness or the country!

I think general negativity -- be it racism, small mindedness or general ignornace -- stems from that person's inability to be happy with their own life and the need to look elsewhere to get some sense of satisfaction. In your case, this "friend" was not truly concerned with your welfare; otherwise, she would not have waited so long to tell you. Rather, she just wanted to rain on your parade, like so many bitter negative people.

It stinks, but sometimes, you just have to be the better, stronger person and do your own thing, knowing that the best revenge is living well.

And worst case scenario, if your situation did turn out poorly, a REAL friend would be there to support you, not judge or gloat. But, sadly, these type of people do more of the latter, rather than the former.

As one of my colleague says, "Life's tough; wear a helmet!"

[swabs]

No she wasnt drunk, i went and met her for luch on a day that i booked off to do some shopping.

Your right mutlukadin and i do not miss her, from realising after that there was many things wrong not just this. O and thats exactly what i and everyone of my friends said. I said to her aswell that its my buisness and my life, if it doesnt work then its my own problem end off!

Any ways im much happier without speaking to her so clearly no love lost.

Haha and i agree with you about the complaining people, at the end of the day everyone is different even in one country, i mean you will always miss something like i miss English things but i dont want to live their permanently. Plus Turkish ways/culture i find so interesting, sometimes deli as they say but i love the country and the culture for how it is xx

[Reyhan]

That's one of the reasons I am thankful the area I live in, in the US, is how it is. There is large populations of various ethnic groups, Hispanic, Latino, Indian, Asian, African, so most people are pretty well accustomed to other cultures being represented. For example no one even "bats an eyelash" when a man comes into the store wearing a traditional Indian Pagri

So when I tell people my BF is Turkish, they really don't react negatively.

[swabs]

Yes its the same in England but people can still be suspicious about it. I mean now whenever someone asks, they are so interested, the only time people get a bit funny (and i mean they debate and ask questions) and this is when i say he is Muslim, i mean i think it is more to do with people not understanding the religion. At the moment there is a lot of television programs trying to make different cultures come together such as Making Bradford Britain.

The one thing i am so happy about is that im strong minded, i believe what i believe and that is that no matter where you live or where you are from they have the same sorts of people in every country, a person is a person at the end of the day no matter what their race or religious views are and you should always judge someone on an individual basis, not just because they fit a stereotypical type xx

[MutluKadin]

Very true, Reyhan. The US is still so new as a country and has been going through SO many changes in the past two centuries that it's difficult to say what is "American." I think a lot of Americans have a cultural identity crisis. That's why I feel so lucky to have married into such a strong ethnic heritage and that my children (my second one is due in three months!) will have that benefit of knowing a strong culture.