40 replies to this topic

[chica]

Merhaba everyone I am new to the forums.

I am dating a man from Adana and we have been dating a little over a month. He seems very sweet, but he is also very hard-working....which makes talking to him kind of hard, at times (because he is always at work!). Sometimes we have communication problems because he speaks English fairly well, but oftentimes he comes across something that he doesn't know how to say. Unfortunately, I do not know Turkish. I have been trying to learn it but it is a lot more difficult because it is nothing like the languages I already know! (Spanish and English).

Anyway, I was wondering about cultural differences. This man has been a real gentleman. He always pays, he always drives, etc. But I feel bad for him paying; when I offer to pay he tells me, "I would feel so bad if you paid!". Also, my birthday passed, and he gave me some pretty elaborate gifts considering the short amount of time we were dating. He gave me a very elaborate Turkish shawl, an evil eye, and a shirt. I'm not used to someone spending that much money on me, and it makes me feel kind of guilty! But I do not want to offend him or make him think that his generosity is not appreciated. However, although I think this guy has good intentions, I worry that he is trying to "own" me by buying me so many things. However, he said that Turkish men are taught to impress a woman like this and that Turkish women expect this from them (I don't know if this is true!!

He seems pretty Westernized in some aspects. I was really worried about coming across as an easy, American girl, so I tried to not show a lot of skin in public, but he has traveled a lot outside of Turkey so I think that it doesn't really bother him. He is Muslim, but non-practicing.


Anyway, what can I expect in a relationship with a Turkish man? My guy seems very sweet and although he says that all Turkish men are jealous, I have never seen him get jealous or controlling. What do Turkish men want out of a relationship with an American girl? I am very independent and I worry if that is a problem. I just want to understand that cultural differences I can expect so that I can understand them and work through them.

Also, he plans on staying in the US to work. He is in the process of getting his PhD.

[Ahududu]

Hi chica
Welcome to the forum.
In all honesty, if you want to understand his culture, you would need to visit Turkey, and experience it with your own eyes, and then talk to him about things that don't sit right with you, to see where he's coming from. Obviously, it will depend on his upbringing and his family's expectations of him, which you might only really understand if you visit.
It was our 12 year wedding anniversary yesterday, I met my husband in Istanbul, and he visited my family in England before we got engaged.
Good luck.

[Abi]

Hi Chica and welcome from me too. It's hard to generalise really, some Turkish men will spoil their girl friends and some don't same as American men I guess.

What can you expect from him as a Turk, again, it hard to say and would say that Sue was spot on really. To understand your man more, should the relationship get more serious in time, before you commit you should visit and stay with his family in Turkey and see how they interact with one another as you will get an insight as to how they live and understand a different side to him.

Although it is far too early to think about a future together you can ask him about what he thinks about the lives of Turkish woman and the role they play, it would be a fair question to ask as an American woman you would be curious to know. Turkish men can be jealous and controlling by not all, but as your relationship is fairly new those signs may appear later but then they may not.

[chica]

Thanks for the feedback everyone! I have tried to learn a little bit about his culture. So far, most of the stuff has been pretty basic. I know most of the Turkish population is Muslim (but he is not practicing), he took me to a Turkish restaurant to show me the food, we've made Turkish tea together, I watched "My Father My Son" with him, and I understand that family is of extreme importance in Turkey.

Some of the aspects of Turkish culture (like the strong family unit) remind me of the Hispanic culture that I have studied!)

When it comes to relationships, he says that Turkish women expect more out of their men, but that it decreases over time. So a guy might go all out when he is trying to get a girl to be his girlfriend, but a few months in, he might not try as hard. I've asked him about the role of women in Turkey, and as far as I know, they are pretty liberated. They are Muslim, but have a lot more freedom than most Muslim women. While they are expected to take care of the kids and the house (like in the US), the majority of them work.

I think it is also a generational thing. This guy is in his 20's, and he said that in campuses, college kids are a lot more liberated. Lots more drinking/PDA/ smoking. Hookah is also really common in the culture, but he tried to stop smoking


And congrats on passing so many happy years with your Turkish husband! Do you speak Turkish as well?

If I spoke Turkish I would feel a little less out of the loop!

[Antelope]

My Turkish husband and I are in our 13th year of marriage, but I can't really offer any more than the excellent advice already given here. The only thing I would advise though, if the relationship appears to be getting serious, is for you both to set some groundrules based on the differences in both cultures...ie discuss your different attitudes towards everyday life, your expectations of each other, etc.

In my opinion communication is the key to a successful marriage...whatever your nationality.

Good Luck x

[Cukurbagli]

I've asked him about the role of women in Turkey, and as far as I know, they are pretty liberated. They are Muslim, but have a lot more freedom than most Muslim women. While they are expected to take care of the kids and the house (like in the US), the majority of them work.

Sorry Chica but I disagree, maybe in the cities a lot of women go out to work but in Turkey as a whole the majority do not. Their "liberation" is not the sort of liberation that you have in the U.S. and they are still very much under the rule of their husbands. Every now and then we hear a story about how a village has bucked the trend and started a womens' cooperative making or doing something but these sorts of stories are very few and far between.

As Antelope says you will have to set ground rules if your relationship is going to continue, particularly if you are going to come and live with him here in Turkey. It would be a good idea for you to read some of the posts in the Romantic Relationships and Marriage and Divorce forums to get more of an idea of the problems that crop up.

Having said all that I wish you well with your Turkish boyfriend and hope he will be all you want him to be.

[sunny]

I think that if you browse through the romantic relationship forum and the marriage forum you may get a better idea of the culture, especially if you look at this thread although it's rather long. http://www.turkeycen...h__1#entry11082

[chica]

Sorry Chica but I disagree, maybe in the cities a lot of women go out to work but in Turkey as a whole the majority do not. Their "liberation" is not the sort of liberation that you have in the U.S. and they are still very much under the rule of their husbands. Every now and then we hear a story about how a village has bucked the trend and started a womens' cooperative making or doing something but these sorts of stories are very few and far between.

I see. There isn't a generational difference though? I've read that there is a large difference between the older and younger generations. I've known several Turkish international students who are female and who are studying so that they can work. But you would know better than me, since you are Turkish

Also, I don't think we would live in Turkey, but it's really too soon to think that far into the future! He plans on staying here and working in the U.S., because (according to him), finding work with a PhD in Turkey is difficult sometimes because it is seen as being "overqualified" for the job.

[Vic801]

I agree with Cukurbagli about the situation of women and work. Many of the women with whom I have spoken do not see working for someone else as liberating. They are pleased that the little their husbands earn is enough for them to to able to spend time cleaing their own houses instead of cleaning someone else's. Apart from teachers who, unlike in most Western countries, are highly respected, working women are at best pitied and at worst looked down on.

As for relationships, part of the tingle of a new relationship is all that asking questions and sharing and finding out about each other. Take your time, you will definitely find good advice here but your boyfriend is the only one who is going to provide you to the answers to your questions.

[chica]

I agree with Cukurbagli about the situation of women and work. Many of the women with whom I have spoken do not see working for someone else as liberating. They are pleased that the little their husbands earn is enough for them to to able to spend time cleaing their own houses instead of cleaning someone else's. Apart from teachers who, unlike in most Western countries, are highly respected, working women are at best pitied and at worst looked down on.

As for relationships, part of the tingle of a new relationship is all that asking questions and sharing and finding out about each other. Take your time, you will definitely find good advice here but your boyfriend is the only one who is going to provide you to the answers to your questions.

Thank you Vic, that is good advice This guy gives me good vibes so far; he seems very sweet and gentlemanly. I can also talk to him about thinks, and even though we have a language barrier, we can talk to each other about deeper things.

Also, I am studying to be a Spanish teacher So maybe that changes things! hehe

Is it insulting for the woman to pay for the man, then? I don't really believe in splitting bills, but rather taking turns paying. But so far he has paid for everything, and I feel bad for not paying!

[Abi]

Also you could read these newspapers to give you idea of what happens in Turkey. You will find that one paper leans to the left and the other to the right of politics.


Hurriyet Daily News

Todays Zaman

[Reyhan]

Hello Chica, welcome.

American woman here, and also in a relationship with a Muslim Türk man. Though my situation is a little different. I met him online, (not a dating site) and at first we were just friends, then later became more. Now we’ve been a “couple” though long-distance, for over a year now.

He knows a fair amount of English from living in Kuşadası , a “resort town” as some call it. So he often met many tourist from the UK and other countries. Ive also been learning Turkish for him since then, even before we became a LDR couple. You’re right it is very different than English . İf he knows you are learning because you want to for him, he might appreciate that very much.

I have not yet gotten to visit my man in person yet and as we’re long distance, he can’t really dote on me and buy me gifts, but I think he gets the impression that I am understanding and don’t mind that he can’t really do anything for me from Turkey. And he would be right thinking that. Its really enough for me that he always comes “around” even if only on msn. (until I can meet hin in person)

As for the jealousy thing, maybe its generally common?, but not always true for every Türk man? My man has said he is and can be. Of course there are different ways of looking at jealousy. If a man is jealous (not just Turkish men), is it because one woman has come to mean everything to him, or is it insecurity issues? Which it is, depends on the man of course and maybe one of the things you will come to learn about your man in time after learning more about him.

The first possibility would seem to be okay, as long as it does not become a control issue on the man’s part. Others here have heard of that very situation that can and does happen.

But having said that, from reading your point of view, your Türk man does not sound that way at all. I suspect in you, he’s found someone he really adores and wants to show it. Also you can learn alot about the culture by watching Turkish news actually and to some extent TV shows. So many stories about people having very close ties to family, even after growing up and getting married themselves and learn about how they usually do ceramonies like weddings and funerals, etc. (sorry for the rant but hope this helps some)

[chica]

Thank you Reyhan! That was all very helpful!

I could kind of see family values in the movie "My Father My son" (I can't remember the name in Turkish!) It was interesting to see how incredibly close the family was and how important family is in Turkey. My boyfriend also told me that at Turkish weddings, the man has to drink a cup of coffee after the bride pours salt in it Supposedly it symbolizes how the man should respect the woman in the marriage and not complain. I quite liked that

Also, he said that Turkish men generally respect women for everything that they do: cooking, cleaning, and sometimes having a job.

I am crafty and take care of myself (laundry, cooking, etc.), but he knows that I am by no means an excellent home-maker hehe

Also, from a financial standpoint, things are a lot different. He said that he is expected to give a lot of gifts when he returns home to Turkey for a short vacation. He is also used to spending a lot of money. I, on the other hand, am frugal and save a lot. If I really want something, I buy it, but I think about it a lot first!

[Abi]

Where I live in Turkey the coffee isn't drunk at the wedding it happens before when the families meet to discuss a possible engagement. The girl will make coffee to impress the propective inlaws, she can sometimes put salt into the boyfriends coffee either to test him or to show that she isn't in agreement with the engagement. In some cases if the girl makes the coffee badly she can be turned down as a perspective bride.

Yes, family is very important in Turkey and I've found that the bond between mother and son is usually very strong.

Gifts, I often wonder if its just about showing how well they have done in their new country. Unfortunately, the giving of gifts can get out of hand but that is a whole different topic.

[Fil]

Oh my goodness. That coffeee we had. I thought it tasted strange. So mrs fil was trying to tell me something, perhaps subconsciously. She said it was because she is culinarily challenged. To find out after all these years....

[Abi]

I think in your case if it wasn't her culinarily skills at fault she was testing you to see if you were made of sterner stuff, You obviously passed the test

[Sirin]

Hi Chica

I'm a little late adding to your thread, as I just got back from Turkey (to Uk) last week, and have been settling back home and catching up.

I'm a relative newly wed to some of the others here - I've been married to my Turkish hubby for 5 years.

Giving you my take on 'Turkish Culture' would probably take ages, and probably be useless to you. In the end, you make your own culture in a relationship. To what degree it's influenced by Turkey and to what degree it's influenced by your American / Spanish culture will depend on the little decisions you make on a daily basis together.

If you have a future together and you visit / live in Turkey, you'll probably find that the life of a woman could vary vastly depending on where you go. The generational differences you wonder about are more apparent in some areas than others. There's a good chance that if you visit a village, you'll see that most girls move from their mother's house to their marital home - or maybe even to their mother-in-law's house - and they would expect to lead quite a domesticated life of housekeeping and visiting family.

Within a city, there will be more opportunities to work - but not within all families, as not all families will want their daughter / wife to work.

As someone has said already, there's no substitute for actually going over there for a visit when the time is right. Visiting your boyfriend's family may give you an insight into the sort of family roles that he envisages - but then again, having expanded his own horizons, he may choose to live differently to them! Still, it helps build the picture of what has made him the person he is.

A member of the forum I run for girls with Turkish partners (sorry for the blatant plug!) would probably be able to answer a lot of your questions from her experience as an American woman who met and married a Turkish man. She's over in Turkey at the moment, having just had their Turkish wedding and staying with the family for the first time.

You could either look out for her on the site (see the link below in my signature), or I could put you in touch with each other if you like. But don't feel obliged - just if you think it might help.

I wish you luck in your relationship. I know many girls who having met a Turkish man have a real thirst and curiosity for all things Turkish - but in the end, I think it's good to see faults and pitfalls as well as seeing the good things. Every culture has its good and bad aspects.

Hope everything works out well for you.

[sunny]

Personally I'd never go running after a man to do all things Turkish for him and I've never learnt how to make Turkish coffee although we do go to our neighbours most mornings during the summer for a cup.
Just be yourself and do things you're comfortable with.
Too many young women like to rush around and do all things for their man instead of sharing work and then later they are not happy when he has got used to this way of life being waited on hand and foot.

Anyway, as Strawberry says, it's early days so take it easy.

[samanthaozkara]

Hello Chica, after reading your post earlier this morning I have been thinking all day what other advise to give you but I cant think of anything as everybody have covered it all above. As Strawberry and many others have said dont go doing things for him that make you uncomfortable. I think he is doing all these things for you as he is comfortable with them and he is just being himself so you should do the same aswell and stop worrying about culture.

When I first met my husband 5 years ago I was the same as you and I was so worried about the culture and how would I cope to changes that it made the start of our relationship very stressful for me when I should have been enjoying the early days and taking each day as it came. You have only been seeing each other for a month, would you really worry about an american guy being to much of a gentleman if you were in a relationship with him? I dont think so.

This turk have clearly told you his plans are to stay in the US after he finishes his studies and he sounds pretty westernised to me, well he must be to survive in a country like America. The only thing I will say is to always communicate with each other, if you have a problem with him tell him and make sure he does the same with you. Even if there is a language barrier be patient and dont try finishing sentences for him or thinking they mean 1 thing when he means another. When I first met my husband he didnt speak alot of english and we had the same problem but slowly slowly we sorted that problem.

I hope it goes well for you, just relax and enjoy the relationship.

Lots of love Samantha