Confused Woman Married To A Turkish Man
Posted 23 December 2010 - 04:51 PM
I am an American woman recently married to a Turkish man. We met on facebook and I am not sure how he found me to begin with. I was not looking. We began a internet relationship; seeing each other every minute we could on the webcam even the the time difference. He didn't know any english but because he loved me he began to take classes. He devoted himself many times openly on his facebook and even deleted all the woman. We talked about everything. What we wanted and marriage and headship and respect. We talked about children and even decided on how many and their names. I have been in love with the country before I met him. I even wanted to move there one day. He had no problem with me being an American because even though he is muslim he is not practicing it completely. He did say he would like me to become a muslim wife and I agreed; but without wearing the head scarf. I believe in God and he was very happy with this. He lives in Istanbul and has been there since he was a teenager. His father died in 2006 and his mother lives 9 hours away near Izmir. I don't know turkish well and one time I was able to speak to his mother and sister on the phone while he watched on the webcam. He was so happy. He was so much in love with me. Always telling me he wanted us to be happy and make me happy. I thought finally I found a man for me. He wanted me to move to Istanbul but since the economy was not good we talked and finally after much back and forth; he agreed to move here. I have a house and good stable job and he could finish his english and go to school maybe get a trade for a good job while I worked. I wanted him to succed in life. I also never wanted him to give up his family. He loves his mother and is the oldest son; so he takes on responsibility to help her with money. I agreed to be a part to that because I know how things are in their culture. I had not issues. I have much love for her. I want to be a part of the family. After we married in Istanbul we agreed I would fill out forms for his immigration petitions and work toward a k3 visa. I had no idea how long it would take for the processing with homeland security. The waiting was killing and me. We continued our connection online and with phone calls of love and missing each other. At first I had to change all my info like my name and get out marriage petition translated before I could start the process; and also pay a fee. I thought it would only be a few months; but ended up being 5 for the petitions to be approved. I thought this was all I needed. I was wrong. The next thing was to send the petitions to the National Visa Center. This just started on October. It was very close to being final but my husband continued to complain about the waiting and being bored. It was something out of my control. All the sudden he stopped communication with me. The last time he told me he loved me was in October on Facebook. After that he wouldn't answer my calls and he was never on the computer. One day I finally talked to him; he said he was not happy and didn't want to come here. I begged him to please finish this it would be worth it. He didn't want it. He said he was happy in turkey and he would leave his family. But in Turkey my husband has a job that does not pay good; no health insurance and he only has one year of high school education. I don't think he is stupid; I know he is not his english learning is very good. In the mean time I helped pay for school, sent money for his mother and he even bought a car but had an accident and I sent him money to get it fixed. I have always told him my love for him and never lied to him; only wanting the best.
So now he tells me he loves another woman. I didn't believe it because I knew he loved me; many times he proved that to me. he even told one of my friends to tell me this. then I later confirmed it with a message from his brother. I am confused why he would give up on our marriage before it started. I am think this girl is an ex-girlfriend. I have been told that he has know her for over a year and once lived with her. So this indicates it is her. He told her before we were married that he was getting married and she as very angry. So now that I am not with him for all these months I feel has worked herself back in his life. He has become very angry with me even saying hurtful things to me without warrant. I don't understand why he would do this to me if he ever cared about me or loved me. He has mentioned divorce but not pursued it. I don't want a divorce. I love him. He hasn't given our marriage a chance. I am not sure he wants to marry her but only have her as a girlfriend. I don't know much because when I have talked to him on the phone he has gotten angry with me and says he doesn't want to come here. I have texted him and told him I will move there for him. I wanted him to finish the visa at least. If not it would have to start all over. But he is unwilling. Most recently he has not called me or email me and I have not done so either; he still kept his facebook with me as his wife. Then last Sunday he deactivated it. I called him about it. before we married I knew my husband was a jealous man. I deleted many men friends off my facebook for him. I only wanted him and they were not important. Well I decided to add some of his friends ( as a suggestion) to my facebook to see if he was conversing with them and not me. He was this and when I asked why he deactivated his account he became very angry asked me about adding his friends; said he was single. I stated not you are not. I said you are angry and you tell me that you love another; he arrogantly said yes. I said I must come to turkey for a divorce; this is what I have read on the embassy website. I explained I only was looking for him when I added the friends. He didn't believe me; then he kept saying I dont' want you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I divorce you. Don't call me. I believe he knew I was going to call him. I am confused at his reaction. If he loved another then why did he act so childishly. If he wanted a divorce then he needs to find out how to divorce me. I have not choice but to got to Turkey in February again. I must see him face to face. How does a man stop loving his wife after over one year of devotion? I have tried to make him happy. because his english is limited his knows what will hurt me; divorce; no love from him; being with another woman while we are married and the simple words of hate.
Some people believe this girl has created this in him. They also believe once he sees me he will remember the love he has for me. either way it is hurting me.
I am much older than my husband; he is early twenties; everyone who sees me thinks I am much younger. I like all the same things he does;I still feel young inside. He knew my age before so that shouldn't be the issue and when came to turkey he is the one that initiated our marriage. I told him I we didnt' have to get married.
I fear that when I arrive (alone with no help) he will not talk with me to settle things. What do you think about this situation... Please advise.
Posted 23 December 2010 - 05:42 PM
Also, of course, his mother would have been unhappy that he was going to the States as he is the eldest son and especially with his father being dead.
How long were you physically together before you got married, as knowing someone online is not the same as being in each others company? He may have decided that he didn't really know you enough and got scared at the idea of leaving his home and family to move to the States. How good/bad is his English as this might have added to his reluctance to move?
Perhaps he didn't know how to back out when you arrived in Turkey and so went through with the marriage?
There is a web site run by one of our members where ladies married to Turks can discuss their problems.
Posted 23 December 2010 - 07:40 PM
Posted 23 December 2010 - 07:44 PM
You says he has to send his family money, which is normal in Turkey, so maybe he thought it would be easier to marry someone like you and once established in the US he would then divorce you and bring his girlfriend over. His brother sending you a message means nothing really as he probably thought if his brother got settled in American he too could go and live there at some point in time.
You should really listen to what he is telling you he obviously doesn't want you in his life and he probably thinks by saying horrible things to you that you will go away. The reason why he hasn't divorced you if you have been married for a over a year is that he probably can't afford to. You can actually divorce him in American and then get the divorce recognised in Turkey by giving Power of Attorney to a Turkish lawywer who will present it to the Turkish courts.
I also think your friends are giving you false hope by saying that when he see you again he will remember his love for you. You have to ask yourself how much he really loved you by the fact that he is back with his ex who I suspect was always in the picture. If you love someone as much as he said he loved you why is he with her now.
I'm sorry that what I have said may have been hurtful, I can imagine this whole thing is causing you alot of heartache but there really isn't anyway to sugar coat this and I don't think you will thank me if I did really.
Posted 23 December 2010 - 08:04 PM
I don't believe my husband did anything to take advantage of me. His school was for english and it was to benefit him if he were to come here. I told him several months before that he could finish here without payment in the us. Otherwise I didn't provide him with anything. So as far as taking advantage for to come here, he only did it for me.
Like I indicated before; nothing had changed until this girl entered the picture. I feel she it taking the place of me.
Since this post he has reactivated his facebook account; he still has me on as his facebook friend. I never thought he would do that. It tells me that he was jealous and angry when he did that.
I know my husband still has feelings for me. We had a relationship 5 months before we ever started talking about marriage. At first I was not even interested like that.
Everyone who knows him in turkey said he loved me and that was apparent when I arrived. He spoke about me all the time and continued this way after. He would wear his wedding ring like I wanted so other women knew he was married.
Thank you for you opinion I will check out the website you listed.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard 'my husband is much younger than me but everyone tells me I look much younger'' I'd have a nice little nest egg by now! It sounds as if I'm making light of this lady and so many others' predicaments but this sad situation has become SO much of a cliche. These guys are just looking for lonely old women to prey on and use and then dump either when they get what they want or when they don't get what they want....
For the person making a remark about my looks you can see my profile photo. And this will end that whole age issue. I really do look younger.
here are a few photos or me and my husband for all those who think I am an olddddd lady..
Posted 23 December 2010 - 08:04 PM
Btw Kader nice pix of you! You can do so much better I think, what a shame, I'm sorry and hope you can sort out this mess.
Edited by benhalterci, 23 December 2010 - 08:09 PM.
Posted 23 December 2010 - 08:32 PM
Reading between the lines, I feel there's something he's not telling you. And he's avoiding you so as not to have to explain whatever it is, and maybe doesn't want to hurt you more than he already has (???)
The advice given by Sunny & Abi above is very good, and let's hope Sirin comes along soon to add hers. I wish you the best of luck for a hopeful outcome, but you should also be prepared for anything. Chin up girl !
Posted 25 December 2010 - 05:37 PM
Posted 27 December 2010 - 07:29 PM
Welcome to the site - I'm sorry that you've joined under such sad circumstances for you. As some of the members have mentioned, I run a website for ladies with Turkish partners. If you think you'd find it useful, you'd be very welcome. The link is in my signature section below.
I wrote a huge long reply to you, but when I re-read it I was worried that you might feel I was judging your relationship and not want to stick around. That's not what I would want, so I'll try again!
My fear for you is that this guy may not have been genuine with you. Approaching someone on facebook whom you don't know, and who is clearly living in another country is at odds with telling you that he actually wants to live in Turkey. It's actually pretty common for guys wanting visas to other countries to say this, so that the woman does not suspect his motives.
However, this is only speculation on my part - and although from what you've written, I feel angry on your behalf at the way he's treated you, I can't know for sure that his intentions at the start were wrong (although I fear that they may have been).
But even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he chose you as opposed to choosing any foreign woman, I would still say that his treatment of you is not exactly what dream marriages are made of.
He's encouraged you to say you'll behave like a muslim wife, even at a distance he's wanted control of your friendships, and he's made you feel insecure by mentioning another woman. Even if he knew her before starting a relationship with you, and even if he was frustrated at not being able to be with you, getting married means promising to make a lifelong commitment, no matter what comes along. It's not exactly unexpected that if you start a relationship with someone in another country that you're going to need to spend time apart.
You've mentioned that some people think that the other girl may be at fault - but I don't believe that is fair. It sounds like you're making excuses for him. No matter what his intentions were at the start, he HAS treated you badly, and he's making it pretty clear now that he doesn't want the relationship to continue.
From what I can gather, you're pinning your hopes that when you see him in February, having the chance to talk might put the relationship right.
Firstly, I feel you're selling yourself short to put up with this behaviour and want him back regardless of how he's treated you and may treat you in future. Secondly, if he's clearly telling you that he wants a divorce and 'using words of hate', maybe all you're going to do is cause yourself more pain.
If your relationship is to have any sort of happy ending, being with him won't be enough. You can only be happy if he actually loves you.
My advice would be to back off and give him space. Don't contact him. Certainly don't give him any further financial help. If he doesn't get in contact, then how can he be in love with you? If he does get in contact, don't let him back into your life just based on words. You say that he's proved his love for you - but I don't see that. He has created some major problems, and he has to be the one to put them right. But if you let him back into your life easily, I think you'll always have that doubt in the back of your mind about his feelings for you, and that's not a nice way to live.
Stop contacting him, give him space and start protecting yourself. If you love him so much that you will accept any treatment, unfortunately you are highly likely to end up being treated badly - because he can.
You have time before February to cut contact entirely and give yourself some thinking time, and time to get stronger. Then you can make a decision about whether to still go - but don't hurt yourself further by pursuing someone who has broken all your trust.
Posted 27 December 2010 - 09:14 PM
I am going back to Turkey only for two reasons. One I miss the country and I want to see it more; second to finish and have closure so I can move on with my life. I know if he does not want me then there is some other man that will and it will be his loss and an opportunity to better himself will never come along again.
I am not sure what to expect but at least I will have a chance to talk with him and finish this on going drama. I feel like I am living in a soap opera.
Posted 28 December 2010 - 02:22 AM
If going back will give you closure, go for it. And no reason that you can't go back to Turkey whenever you want - it's a big enough country not to have to go back to where he is.
I take it you've pulled his visa application???!
Posted 28 December 2010 - 02:52 AM
He truly never wanted to come here. He loves his country like most Turkish. He only was going to come here for me. He wanted me to move to Turkey when we were married but I convinced him that I had more stability. I have a home and a good job with insurance and retirement; he would have to come here and finish his English and be able to go to school get more education and succeed. Where he is now, he may never get that opportunity working at a job that does not pay well and provides no future for him.
I feel another reason is because he would leave his family; his widowed mother with two teenagers behind. I wanted to help out with that, I knew it was his responsibility to take the place of his father after he died. I wanted to be a part of that. I know she never wanted him to leave her; she didn't understand that this would benefit her. This is probably because she doesn't know much about America; she probably thinks he would never come back and abandon her. She has diabetes and is ill a lot.
His impulsive decision making and impatience and inexperience how to be in a marriage has hindered him. Of course a lot of young men act this way. If he came here and was unhappy with our life together then he could go back to Turkey. I always told him this was an option.
The whole time I have been married to him he has dealt with many different people saying things to him about american woman and that he would not like it here etc. It was very hard because people would continue to tell him he was never coming here and that he was lying about coming here. I could do only so much to make him trust me and put his heart at ease. If everything would have finished after the 5 month period with immigration; then I think maybe he would have come.
Posted 13 February 2011 - 05:37 PM
3 things could happen with this:
1: He tells u he is sorry, and tries to win you back.
2: He acts like a complete idiot and tells u he hates u.
3: He pretends like nothing went wrong and tries to re-date you again.
1 thing you should do:
Tell him to get lost on all accounts and divorce him, find a man that values you and treats you like a queen.
Posted 07 March 2011 - 01:28 PM
Posted 07 March 2011 - 05:16 PM
Posted 12 May 2011 - 11:07 PM
We got divorced. He has run into to major finanical problems in the year we were seperated. He told me we needed to divorce so I granted it. It took three days and he paid for my notary and the lawyer. He still loves me very much but since I live in American he feels things would not work out in our marriage because of his mistakes. Like I said before he is very young,impulsive and impatient. So now he is working in a small business trying to pay off his debt. In the mean time he is not happy. I could see that the day we divorced. He looked at me with love in his eyes but he looked tired and stressed and he softly begged me not to cry. He knows me well. I still talk to him and I know he still loves me and has told his friends. His family didn't want him to divorce me because they know I am a good woman he loved me. But his own personal reasons led to this decision. I suppose he figured he couldn't be the husband and father I needed and be able to support his family the way he wanted so we divorced. Also, I am sure part of it could be that he is still young. I think he needs to be single for a while longer. He said he will never marry again. And personally I still think of him as my husband because I promised God to love him and divorce is just paper to me. the feelings are still there between us. We are just in different countries. I think if I would have moved there after we married then things would have been better. I also think he had a fear of leaving turkey. For now I am managing being alone again. working on my finances and maybe one day in the future I will move to Istanbul for a year to see how things go. Maybe later things might change again. I am not surei about marriage.
I have often wondered it would be legal to remarry your ex-husband again in Turkey. I have not came across anyone who has any advice. But at this point my name is not changed I am keeping my married name. And Memet will always be my heart. Of course he is the first man I ever wanted to marry so he is the most special to me.
But I know I will fine.
Thanks for all your advice.
Posted 13 May 2011 - 08:18 AM
I will say although it is none of my business is that as he is in financial difficulties that you don't send any money to him. I know it's hard when you love someone to see them in that situation but for what ever reason he got in that situation he is up to him to get himself out of it. I know it sounds hard and it will be a difficult road for him to travel but it will be a valuable lesson that he has to learn. Whilst I'm sure he will never ask you for money I can see that it be tempting for you to want to help him out.
Yes, you can remarry an ex-spouse in Turkey and is not unusual for it to happen. Although you are divorced in Turkey, and as we never know what the future holds for us, should you want to remarry in the US you would first have to get your Turkish divorce recognised in a US court of law.
I wish you all the best for the future Karder.
Posted 13 May 2011 - 02:49 PM
I also agree with what she says about sending him money. Don't.
You should put this episode of your life behind you and get on with your future for which I wish you all the best.
Posted 13 May 2011 - 07:55 PM
Just so you know.. he has not asked me for a dime and I wouldn't send it anyhow. He is working on his own in his own small restaurant business and is making it all on his own.
I was married and divorce in Istanbul. In order to be married there I had to get permission from the US embassy before it could be reconized as legal. If I ever married again then it would probably be in Turkey again. But I will have all my paperwork showing my legal divorce since I actually had a lawyer and it notarized and met in court in front of the judge. So no problem there if that were the case. Most likely my paperwork would have to be translated to english which is not a problem since I had my marriage certificate translated in order to get my name changed and new drivers license etc.
He knows he made a mistake. At first I did feel like helping him, but he refused my help. But now I realize it is his own problem to deal with. And besides I am not a rich woman myself working two jobs to have my own home and he knows that. He was upset that I spent the money to come to turkey in the first place because he knew it was expensive. I think he initially didn't want a divorce, but he said he thought it was best because of his situation. So I allowed it.
One thing to remember, my ex husband is very young. And we all know that impulsive young men make hasty decisions but hopefully he has already learned a lesson. I have been told by other who know him that he is very sad because of the debt and because he lost his wife. He has told many people he still loves me very much. That is the most difficult for me because I would have given him the support he needs. But then again if he had consulted with me while I was here in american then he would not be in such a pickle now. It is a huge lesson learned on his part.
Posted 13 May 2011 - 08:03 PM